Upon first glance of Raye Raye's Instagram, one might mistakenly conclude the obvious--that she's just another pretty face who also happens to be really good at doing makeup, and that those two popular facts alone are the foundation of her Insta-fame. And then, more than likely, you'd find yourself scrolling down as far as 16 weeks deep into flawless selfies and product promos before dismissing Raye as “just another beauty blogger" whose 800K followers helped land herself at the heart of your Explorer page.
But trust us, you'd be wrong. Well, not about the pretty and popular part.
Raye Raye is not just another MUA. Take away the makeup and she'd still more than likely be able to sell you off her heart and humor alone. Which in all honestly, has probably helped with branding herself in a now saturated industry as “beauty blogging."
“It's funny and probably no one believes me, but before all this Youtube stuff, or before people knew my name, I didn't like to be the forefront. I'm shy."
I believe it. The humble ones usually are. When I had the pleasure of speaking with 25-year-old makeup maven Raye Boyce, I'd already did my research. Between her Instagram clips of infectious laughter and cutesy pranks on her husband and manager Eric, to her 500,000+ viewed video decoding the secrets behind a “flawless selfie" (hint: it takes like 50 filters and five apps), I knew Raye was different from her fellow beauty peers. She was refreshingly personable and unapologetically honest.
"My first time dabbling in makeup was when I was a junior [in high school]. I always played with it but never wore it out. It wasn't until senior year of high school that I started wearing a little bit of mascara, eye shadow and lip gloss.
I was always a tomboy. And it's funny because growing up, I don't know if my mom wanted a boy and that just never happened, but she used to give me cornrows like Queen Latifah in Set it Off and I'd have sneakers on. It was crazy. I didn't start becoming a girly-girl until senior year."
That might explain a few things. But Raye, real name Raytifa — “My father's name is Ray. My mothers's name is Tiffany. They like to make up names!" — doesn't just have another “ugly ducking" story to tell or sell (although ironically, she admits she was made fun of for her "duck lips" growing up).
Nope. She actually confessed that her success in the beauty industry, which has now afforded Raye the luxury of self-employment by way of huge advertising bucks, sponsorships, and even features in Elle Magazine, didn't come without tons of doubt and was indeed by way of accident. The Boston native, who moved to New York in an attempt to find herself while most of her friends were off to college, admits that her bad anxiety kept her indoors most of the time and, as a result, on social media.
"I would post pictures [on Facebook] like, 'Hey I got this $1 lipstick from the beauty supply store in New York,' etc. So another YouTuber- she was already in the game and she's an OG- she approached me like, 'Have you ever been interested in doing Youtube?' And I was like, 'Well, that sounds kind of stupid!' Why would I sit there and be all into myself on camera, putting make up on?' She was like, 'Just give it a try. Just do one video and if you don't like it, whatever!'
So I gave it a try and posted it. It was my 'Everyday Makeup' video and people liked it. And it got a lot of views for how small my following was. Then from there, it just blew up and people kept watching and I just kept posting. I didn't intend on becoming a [beauty] 'YouTuber,' I didn't even know what the heck that was.
Raye Raye Nicki Minaj Inspired 'Feeling Myself' Make Up Tutorial
And as the followers continued to amass, Raye would continue to post videos in her free time, steadily picking up traffic as she found herself flourishing in the online beauty industry. However, with the mini-fame also came the price to pay for it- the negative comments. Which was almost enough to drive a zen-like, carefree Raye Raye to call to log off for good! The biggest obstacle for me was putting myself out there.
"When I first got my little group of negative comments, I wanted to quit. I was like, 'I don't have to deal with this. This [doing make up] is a choice that I have. I don't have to put up with crap like this when I can be around people who love me and respect me and not deal with negativity from people that I don't even know.'
But at the end of the day, that's what [naysayers] want you to do. They want you to quit. And it's just not going to happen. (Mimics Mary J. Blige) 'Don't need your hateration and holleration' over here."
And thank God she didn't stop. Raye-Raye, who admits that she got into the online beauty business while it was still transitioning into the lucrative industry that it is today, has now moved to L.A. and lives entirely off her profession as a makeup guru. She also humbly broke down how one is able to bank off beauty.
"I realized I could do this full time like a year and a half ago because I started getting sponsors. It's funny because now and days, the girls that are coming into the YouTube game and blowing up, they are getting sponsors immediately. So like me, I wasn't part of the beginning era, but I was somewhere in the middle, and I didn't start really getting big sponsors that I could actually make a living off of until I had about 300,000 subscribers. So it had to get to that point for me to actually be full-time and make a living and be able to take care of myself.
At first, you would bank off of your "Ad Sense." Google allows companies to buy ad space on your videos so when you click it, you're able to make money, but (the pay) can vary in range depending on your followers. It can range anywhere from a few dollars to $100,000 [in ads] and that's if you have like, a million subscribers. And then comes the sponsorships from the brands. Makeup brands, if they have a new lipstick or palette coming out, they'll contact you, they will give you 'X' amount of money for YouTube placement in your videos. So that is where most of the money comes from too!"
So to put it humbly, she's living. With a combined social media following that ranges in the millions, as well as over an impressive 40,000,000+ YouTube views, the young makeup maven has not only been sponsored by some of the top beauty brands (Makeup Forever, MAC and Smashbox just to name a few), she has also been featured in a Pantene Pro-V hair commercial for her luscious curly locks as well. All of this thanks to makeup and of course, her fanbase of loyalists who Raye-Raye affectionately refers to as her "Bay-Bays" (Babies!), who she is 110% loyal right back to. So loyal that the makeup expert recently decided to get deeper than skin-deep when she revealed she had anxiety, in hopes of helping others deal with it.
“I would bring it up in my previous videos but it would be more like a joking matter. Like I'd say, 'Oh, I could never do that, with my anxiety, I'd go nuts…' But people actually caught on to it. They were tweeting me and emailing me like, 'I have anxiety and I have depression too- can you talk about it?'
Raye admits that the pressures of keeping up with social media, a huge following and a demanding posting schedule can be the source of her anxiety and spurts of depression, and it times she feels guilty for letting her 'blessings' get her down:
[Being in the public can] trigger it. And that's why anxiety, it's like a funny little thing. Because sometimes you'll think you're fine, until months and months pass, and time passed, and then you realize you were suppressing your feelings. And that whole time you thought you were fine, you were actually ignoring [depression] while still dealing with it.
It was like, every time I got a break from [anxiety] it was like, 'Nope! Here is another trigger!' And it was getting worse. But then I thought, 'I have some nerve to be complaining when I have all these things. I could be on the street right now in the rain, sleeping on the concrete and not have any food…I have health, I have a roof over my head, I have a husband, I have food and my family.' But it gets to the point where you keep suppressing it and you keep ignoring it and you help other people with their issues while ignoring yours, until you get to your breaking point. And that's what happened!
Luckily though, Raye admits that she has sought some self-help through plenty of prayer, self-awareness and the advice from trusted loved ones, which just so happens to be her mother in law as well as that of her boyfriend of eight years and husband of three years, Eric Boyce --“He was my first real boyfriend." After meeting on Myspace, the two decided to do the long distance thing for a while (Eric lived in New York while Raye was still in Boston), before finally meeting in person and as the fairytales go, "it was love at first sight."
“When we finally first met, there were a lot of laughs… I am such an awkward person! I'm that person that leans in to give you a hug and they head-butt you. That's me! But there was no awkwardness. We just had a lot of laughs and we ate a lot. I just knew from there he was the one.
[Tweet "We just had a lot of laughs and ate a lot. I knew from there he was the one."]
Raye humorously refers to Eric as the "Martin" to her "Gina," and it's clear to see why. All over her Instagram and YouTube, when the two aren't cracking jokes on one another, the adventurists are riding four-wheelers, helicopters and even recently, sky-diving.
So what could possibly be next for the girl who at 18 felt hopeless but by 25, managed to seemingly figure it all out?
"In 5 years, speaking it into existence as a business woman, I will have my own make up brand and it will be sold in stores and it will be successful. As well as other brands. And I also hope to get into real estate so hopefully I'll own some property. And as far as my personal life, probably some little kiddies running around. Some little Raye-Raye's playing in makeup, just a good future with my husband, with [our little] family. Me and my husband have spoken about moving out of the country. We really like Thailand… Maybe Japan or Hong Kong. We'll see!"
She came. She saw. She contoured!
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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