“I’ve always felt opportunity is available for everyone, so why compete?” - Altrichia Lekay Cook
We live in a time where some women are intimidated by a woman who may look beautiful, have a great career, an amazing relationship, or all of the above. Instead of taking the time to learn from them we speak negatively against them, and fail to talk or seek to build positive relationships because we are too busy hating on other women and on their success. In the age of #BlackGirlMagic where many of us are winning in our respective industries, we should empower others and strive to leave a positive impact, and use our lives as platforms to inspire others.
See how Altrichia empowers women and helps women recognize and celebrate their inner and outer beauty.
Name: Altrichia Lekay Cook
Age: 28
Occupation(s): CEO & Founder of Allusions by A.Lekay Swimwear & motivational speaker
Website: Allusionsbyalekay.com
Twitter: Allusionsbabe
Instagram: AllusionsbyAlekay
LinkedIn: Altrichia Cook
Her business:
Altrichia is the owner behind a luxury swimwear line that features retro-inspired high-waisted bikinis so that women can look banging on the beach without feeling as if they need to compete with the gal next to her.
Her inspiration:
Wanting to cover up the abdominal imperfections that she personally received after the birth of her first child, Altrichia set out to create her swimwear line in 2013 for women with similar struggles. Since she couldn't find a swimsuit that would fit her needs and wants, she designed her own, and since then, this mom-turned-entrepreneur has made a name for herself and her brand.
Her journey:
One month before she graduated from high school, she found out she was pregnant, and she felt so scared. She grew up having parents as ministers and was really involved in school. She was captain of the cheer squad, homecoming queen, class president, so she was embarrassed when she got pregnant because she was like a role model to her peers.
Before she graduated, she was already accepted into Florida State University so she immediately started her college classes in June. Just a few months after that she gave birth to her son Anthony in December of 2005. At the early age of 17, she had to learn how to balance being a mother, student, and employee. She worked hard and graduated within four years, and then continued her education by obtaining a graduate degree from Florida A&M University. After college, she began work as a probation officer and had the same occupation even after she started her swimwear business.
The sacrifice:
During the beginning stages of her business, Altrichia had to make a lot of sacrifices and couldn’t go out all of the time or shop like most young women in their 20s.
For Altrichia, there were sleepless nights. There were times when she literally wouldn’t go to sleep. She would get home from work, make dinner, help her son with homework, prepare for the next day, respond to emails, package orders, and more. Altrichia's work ethic was on a special level - she was running a full-time legitimate business while working full-time. Yes, it was hectic but she made it happen. She was too focused and determined to do nothing but succeed.
Altrichia reveals: "Although a journey is never smooth sailing, you have to know that you are going to have bumps, dips, and detours along the way but it is up to you to make it to your destination. So with a good mindset and being among people that can lift you higher, you can definitely achieve success and thrive. You have to understand that success is not an overnight process. You have to grind, and make sacrifices."
[Tweet ""There will be bumps, dips, and detours along the way but it is up to you to make it to your destination." "]
The beginnings of the business
By utilizing social media as a millennial, Altrichia was able to find her niche and learned how to start a business. Her business idea stemmed from the reaction from a photo that she posted in March of 2013 wearing a high-waisted swimsuit on a trip with friends. Altrichia told me she was wearing the high-waisted swimsuit because she was uncomfortable from the abdominal imperfections–aka stretch marks–that she got from having her baby.
When Altrichia posted the photo, the reaction from women were insane - everyone just had to know what she was wearing and where it came from. The reaction that she got from the photo inspired her to turn her love for designing and fashion into a business.
Her big break
In just two short years after launching, Altrichia's swimwear line grew in popularity and her fearless attitude grew. Because of her own fearless personality and her sought-after swimwear, she was given the opportunity to style Nicki Minaj on the July 2015 cover of Cosmopolitan magazine. On this cover, Nicki Minaj wore a custom design by Altrichia herself and that magazine cover brought even more positive attention to her swimwear brand.
As an entrepreneur in the saturated field of fashion, you can probably imagine how hard it can be for a new designer to get celebrity clients like Nicki Minaj in their clothing. When asked about how she was awarded this amazing opportunity, Altrichia reveals, "I was invited to a conference in New York where I met the fashion editor of Cosmo! Of course, I was intentional and fearless and reached out to her. I simply followed up and she was responded with pieces she loved and requested! Like that, magic happened! She loved my pieces and believe in what my brand stands for as Cosmo is truly a #GirlBoss medium that empowers women! Many times designers and entrepreneurs are fearful in their quest to simply reach out or feel as though they shouldn't follow up. In the process, I have learned that 'pride' is the enemy of success. Pride will keep you from just going for it. I always look at it as, 'the worse they can say is no.' But I am always positive!"
[Tweet "Pride is the enemy of success. Pride will keep you from just going for it."]
What she thinks about female empowerment
People say it is lonely at the top, but Altrichia doesn't believe that. She believes that you can take people with you–people that have the same ambitions as you. As Altrichia told me, "You have to know that it is never a contest or competition. It is over 7 billion people in the world and only those who think scarcity think of competition. Why fight over crumbs when we can just go in the kitchen and cook something in a bigger pot? My brand is my brand so I’m never in competition with anyone. I am more focused on making myself better. What is meant for me will never pass me by so I am not worried about fighting over opportunities with others.”
As Altrichia told me, "We need more women that want to support other women. Through my brand, I really want to break the whole barrier of this “competing thing.” Sonia Jackson Miles, one of my mentors, has been so amazing and a very intricate part of my entrepreneur journey. She has a movement called the Sister Accord and it is all about spreading the love of sisters and uplifting others. Sonia believes that mean girls become mean women if there isn’t an intervention and that is so true. Instead of competing, let’s collaborate. I’m not in competition with you and will never be. I’m always trying to help people and connect people."
[Tweet "Don't compete - learn how to collaborate."]
How she picks her girl squad
Altrichia believes that as women, we don’t need to have the mindset of “you can’t sit with us.” We should have people in our lives that we can grow from. On the same note, Altrichia believes that it is very important to be mindful of the type of people that you surround yourself with. As she said, "Your circle of friends should depend on your preference and ambitions. For example, everyone I know is not going to be in my circle and that is okay because everyone doesn’t have the same mindset as me."
Mentors vs. friendtors
As Altrichia told me, "I have plenty of mentors, but I also have friendtors. I think it is important to have friendtors–those friends that have the same mindset as you and that uplift you. You have to understand that as a woman, no one will ever understand us like us. As women, we have menstrual cycles, some of us have children, and we typically go through the same things. So why not be there for your sister? One of my friendtors, Alicia Reese, was actually one of my customers and now we do a lot of business together. This is because we have been there to support each other and we celebrate each other successes. Even though we live in two different states, we still uplift each other and support each other in any way that we can. It is crazy how women can be so catty and don’t want to support one another."
[Tweet "We all should have "friendtors" is our lives to uplift us and take us higher."]
Tips for Self-Empowerment
In her interview, Altrichia told me, "While there are a lot of platforms like xoNecole and others, you have to have a higher level of self-encouragement and confidence. Because what happens after you read an inspiring article and it is all over? You have to find that motivation within and harness it.You have to be encouraged and learn how to encourage yourself. I also learned early on that you have to learn how to celebrate your own success and accomplishments. You can’t downsize what makes you great. By celebrating your accomplishments you will inspire others to do the same."
By learning how to empower ourselves and others, we can find the confidence and motivation that we need to be successful. There is opportunity available for anyone that is determined enough to hustle hard for it, so there is no point in wasting energy competing with others. Instead of competing with others, we should start collaborating with others, and joining forces to grow ourselves and accomplish our goals.
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Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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Featured image by Jasper Cole/Getty Images
