We've finally made it to one of the most anticipated, or dreaded depending on your perspective, time of year. Eclipse (and retrograde) season is upon us ready to bring about sweeping changes in at least one area of our lives.
The month begins with Mars moving into Leo on the 1st granting our mojo back after the planet of action painstakingly drudged its way through Cancer over the past month and a half. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse in Cancer invites us to create new foundations for ourselves specifically related to emotions, home, and family. Venus, planet of love, moves into cozy Cancer on the 3rd making you more inclined to cuddle up at home with bae. On the 7th, Mercury officially goes retrograde for the 2nd time this year. This time the planet of communication is backpedaling through Leo. Watch out for temper tantrums and find a more productive way to channel your inner diva.
Excessive amounts of energy are best utilized for getting into the details of old projects that you've placed on the back burner.
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde for the next several months opening up old wounds related to the "lone wolf syndrome" while providing a new perspective that serves as the healing balm needed to mend our hearts and open us up to connection. The emotional intensity kicks up a notch on the 16th, thanks to a Full Moon lunar eclipse in Capricorn forcing us to purge old narratives that perpetuate the belief that we are unworthy of being accepted due to our achievements and social status (or lack thereof) in the world. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and you may have to revisit an important conversation or agreement made in June. The month closes out with a bang as the Sun and Venus move into feisty Leo heating up matters of love and putting the spotlight on your talents. The New Moon on the 31st represents a defining new beginning with Mercury direct supporting your progression towards fame and fortune or at least more popularity amongst others.
Check out what the month of July has in store for each of your zodiac signs below:
Aries
Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
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The month starts on a high note with your ruling planet, Mars, moving into Leo. Over the next month and a half, your energy will be exerted towards adventure, romance, and creativity. The New Moon solar eclipse on the 2nd has you reassessing your needs for security. This is a good time to begin your house hunt or start your fertility plan. Venus moves into Cancer on the 3rd, making you more inclined to enjoy the comfort of your home with bae. If you're in a commitment, you may consider moving in with your significant other. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, giving you a chance to revise creative projects and revisit hobbies that help you connect with your inner child. On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde until December inviting you to heal any core wounding related to the "lone wolf syndrome".
Instead of succumbing to the isolation, reach out instead. Even the most independent sign of the zodiac needs a pack to call their own.
The Full Moon lunar eclipse on the 16th opens up a new portal for you that requires you to release self-sabotaging beliefs that block your success. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and the rest of the retrograde is best spent reviewing your budget or refining your knowledge about your source(s) of income. July closes out with the Sun and Venus moving into Leo, making you even more popular than usual. Your creativity hits a peak at this time of the year so use the energy wisely. The New Moon on the 31st signifies a promising, new opportunity that gives you a chance to step into the spotlight. Get ready for your big debut, Aries!
Taurus
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)
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On the 1st, Mars moves into Leo for the next month and a half which can make you a little more short-tempered than usual. Breathe and count to ten before unleashing the wrath of the bull. Exercise is your best friend during this transit. The New Moon solar eclipse and Venus in Cancer invites you to take on a new approach to communicating your needs to others. Instead of lashing out, try taking on a more vulnerable approach instead. On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde reminding you to be mindful of any short-distance travel. Chiron, the wounded healer, goes retrograde on the 8th and the next several months will be spent healing emotional wounds related to feeling separate from God.
Your dreams will be quite revealing, potentially providing insight into past life karma that you're working out in this lifetime.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse supports your desire to dissolve into the oneness of the Universe. Profound spiritual insight is likely and learning through your travels can help you make sense of your place in the grand scheme of things. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th, bringing your focus to nurturing your relationships with your siblings and close friends. You're quite poetic under this influence so finding a creative outlet to express your sentimental feels in beneficial at this time. The month closes out with a bang with the Sun, Venus, and New Moon in Leo lighting up your home and family life. Connecting with your roots can help you tap into your gifts and Mercury going direct on the 31st will help you recognize the healing power of sharing your talents with the world.
Gemini
Gemini (5/21 - 6/20)
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The month begins with Mars moving into your house of learning and communication. You can get a lot done over the next month and a half, especially if you work in the media. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse encourages you to flex your hidden gifts and talents for financial gain. Venus moves into the same part of your sky the following day, making you a magnet for people and opportunities that are attracted to your compassionate, big heart. On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde, giving you a chance to review that blog post or book you've been working on. On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde and the next several months brings your attention to resolving emotional wounds related to friends and feeling connected to the collective.
This transit is meant to align you with a more authentic tribe that celebrates your eccentricity and acknowledges the value that you bring to the group.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse serves as a breakthrough in your personal narrative that helps you see your power more clearly. This can also be a time in which you, or someone around you, is exposed for manipulating their power. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th, encouraging you to make peace with a situation that damaged your self-esteem. Self-validation is the remedy, Gemmie. Short-distance travel is favored over the next month and Mercury going direct on the 31st supports a smooth process in reaching your destination. The month closes out with a New Moon on the 31st, making this the perfect time to start that YouTube channel! It's time to get your message out there!
Cancer
Cancer (6/21 - 7/22)
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Your birthday season begins in extravagant fashion with Mars leaving your sign and entering into Leo on the 1st, making you extremely motivated to get in your bag this month. If you're in the midst of a job hunt, Mars is working in your favor to help you overcome any obstacles in this realm. On the 2nd, there's a powerful New Moon eclipse in your sign. Make a wish for what you'd like to experience in the year ahead! Venus, planet of love + money, also moves into your sign on the 3rd, making you even more alluring and fortune. The cosmos fully supports you getting the big chop or revamping your wardrobe to represent the new and improved you. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, making this the perfect time to review your budget and salary.
Are you selling yourself short? It's time to start charging what you're worth!
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde, helping you to resolve any emotional wounds related to your father (or the masculine as a whole). Unpacking your own internalized patriarchy can be beneficial for healing the distorted expression of the masculine energy. The Full Moon lunar eclipse highlights your key relationships. This may be a time in which you consider tying the knot. However, this celestial event can make or break energy in your relationships as well. If there's been a toxic person lingering in your energy, this Full Moon will help you make a clean break. On the 19th, Mercury dips back into your sign and you may be experiencing some deja vu when it comes to an important conversation that was initiated last month. July closes out with a finale as the Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd with Venus following shortly behind bring you popularity and good luck if you're willing to come out of your cozy shell. The New Moon on the 31st can brings good news about an opportunity that will allow you to express your unique personality. Don't be shy, babe! You were made for this!
Leo
Leo (7/23 - 8/22)
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Hey, there, gorgeous! The month debuts with Mars moving into your sign which graciously returns your mojo after a slow-paced month in June. The next month and a half is setting you up for major breakthroughs particularly regarding the way that others view you. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse encourages you to surrender old beliefs about yourself to make way for the newer, more empowered version of yourself. Venus moves into this same part of your chart on the 3rd which makes love matters a little more hush-hush.
Your dreams hold the key to who your next romantic prospect or even some past-life, relationship karma that you need to address.
Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th and will be backtracking through your sign, just pay attention to the fine print if you have to sign any contracts during the retrograde. On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde in Aries and for the next several months you're focused on resolving outdated spiritual beliefs that have made you feel shamed or outcast. The Full Moon lunar eclipse on the 16th may bring a finality to your existing routines. On the 19th, Mercury dips into Cancer, making you sleepier and more introverted than usual. Don't push yourself too hard during this last leg of Mercury retrograde. On the 22nd, the Sun moves into your sign along with Venus on the 27th which will be showering you with blessings over the next month to come. The New Moon in your sign on the 31st is the perfect time to make a wish for what you want to experience in the year ahead with Mercury direct pushing your plans full steam ahead.
Virgo
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)
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The month begins with Mars moving into a quieter part of your chart, stirring up inner conflict between you getting shit done and you sleeping the month away. Don't fret if you're lacking energy this month. Your drive is bound to pick up again once we transition into your birthday season. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse welcomes new friendships along with a revived sense of connection to the collective. Venus quickly follows behind on the 3rd and for the next month and a half, you're aligning with your soul tribe who will play a role in your mission over the next year.
On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde amplifying your dream state with reminders of past-life talents and self-sabotaging beliefs that hinder you from expressing them.
Chiron, the wounded healer, goes retrograde on the 8th drawing you deeper into your psyche to help you heal from any traumatic experiences that made you feel like an outcast. On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse lights up your life with adventure and romance. If you're dealing with a fickle connection, you may decide to end it in the pursuit of something more stable. This is the perfect time to release any creative projects you've been working on. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and your focus in nurturing old connections that you've been neglecting. On the 22nd, the Sun moves into Le,o with Venus following on the 27th, encouraging you to rest up for a busy birthday month. The New Moon on the 31st, supported by Mercury direct, helps you recognize what beliefs and habits you need to release to step into a more expanded, fearless version of yourself.
Libra
Libra (9/23 - 10/22)
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The month begins with Mars directing most of your energy towards your social networks and your long-term vision for your life. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse, followed by Venus entering in Cancer on the 3rd, brings in new career opportunities and increased social status. When it comes to taking on a leadership role, a softer approach works more effectively. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, giving you the chance to catch up with friends you haven't heard from in a while. This is also a good time to revise your plans regarding your long-term goals that have the potential to change the world.
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde which helps you resolve painful emotions related to a significant relationship or your experience with relationships as a whole.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse stirs up some tension in the home or with family. You may decide to move out of an overbearing environment around this time. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and this time is best spent re-strategizing your approach to leveling up in your career. Be mindful of power struggles with your boss during this time. Remember to breathe and count to 10 before sending that angry email. The New Moon on the 31st invites you to let yourself be seen in all of your glory. Making new friends that truly embrace all of you—diva included—is favored. Mercury goes direct the same day, encouraging more vulnerable expression that could land you in the public eye.
Scorpio
Scorpio (10/23 - 11/21)
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Career matters take precedence this month with Mars transiting through Leo for the next month and a half. If you've been struggling with gaining traction towards your goals, Mars is here to help push you forward. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse invites you to embark on a spiritual journey that could involve international travel and foreign affairs. Venus moves into the same part of your chart on the 3rd, attracting opportunities for expansion. You may find yourself taking on the role of teacher or spiritual guide for those seeking guidance and comfort. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, giving you a chance to re-strategize your path to success. Just be mindful of miscommunications with your boss.
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde, encouraging you to resolve any health issues (mental and emotional included).
The Full Moon lunar eclipse on the 19th can bring a project to completion, making this an opportune time to share your creation with the world. Increased social media engagement is favorable. This lunation can also help you break through limited beliefs and bad communication (self-talk included) that undermines your personal power. On the 19th, Mercury dips back into Cancer, giving you a chance to revise any written work you plan on releasing to the public. The Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd, making you a force to be reckoned with when it comes to climbing up the social ladder. Venus shortly follows behind and you may find yourself attracting (or attracted to) someone with a whole lot of power and influence. The month comes to a close with a New Moon blessing you with a new job or promotion. Mercury goes direct on the same day pushing your travel and publishing plans ahead.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21)
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July begins with Mars moving into your sister sign on the 1st over the next month and a half, most of your energy will be exerted towards higher learning and spiritual evolution. As the philosopher of the zodiac, you may find yourself taking on the role of guru in the lives of others. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse invites you to embrace more intimate connections which will require some vulnerability on your part. Venus moving into the same part of your chart on the 3rd has you attracting people that can help you face your fear of letting others see the more sensitive side of the wise sage.
Chiron goes retrograde on the 8th, encouraging you to clean up house when it comes to any unresolved emotions inhibiting your authentic self-expression.
Connecting with your inner child is an important part of this process. On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse can bring in some long-awaited good fortune while also encouraging you to reassess whether you're getting paid what you're worth. Mercury dips back into Cancer on the 19th and your feels are running deep. It may be time to finally tie up some loose ends by revisiting that important conversation. The Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd with Venus following behind. Over the next month, your online presence is undeniable. People can't help but be attracted to the wisdom you share. On the 31st, the New Moon, supported by Mercury direct, encourages you to go back to school or plan for a pilgrimage that will empower you spiritually to help others level up. It's time to step into your role of light worker!
Capricorn
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19)
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The month begins with Mars moving into your house of intimacy, the psyche, and transformation pushing you to break through any barriers that prevent you from emotionally connecting with others. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse closes out a cycle of not-so-fulfilling relationships and invites you to reevaluate what matters to you most in partnership. Venus, planet of love and money, has the potential to align you with a significant new connection that brings out your softer side. Mercury goes retrograde on the 7th, which will force you to come face-to-face with the skeletons in your closet. Therapy is suggested if this process is too intense to go at it alone. Chiron goes retrograde on the 8th, stirring up mommy issues and bringing generational patterns to the forefront that need to be resolved.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse in your sign supports you in freeing yourself from an old identity that no longer empowers you (if it ever did). It's time to ditch the underdog complex and step into the winner's circle.
On the 19th, Mercury dips back into Cancer for the remainder of the retrograde which has you feeling nostalgic about an old partnership (romantic or business). Don't be surprised if an ex pops up around this time. The Sun moves into Leo on the 22nd, along with Venus trailing behind on the 27th. This is a deeply transformative time for you, but it may feel like your process is on full display. Sharing your heartache and struggles can be just what others need to see from you for you to experience more closeness in your bonds. On the 31st, the New Moon encourages you to put your best foot forward when it comes to embracing the trials that have grown you into a wiser, more authentic, and more empowered version of yourself. Mercury goes direct on the same day, helping you get clear about what you will and won't stand for in relationships moving forward.
Aquarius
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18)
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This month's focus is primarily on your relationships with Mars directing your energy towards connecting with others in a more authentic way. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse encourages you to make some changes to your daily routines, diet, and fitness regimen. Venus moves into this part of your chart the next day which could have you receiving a lot of attention in the workplace from people that feel drawn to your caring spirit. On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde and you'll be revisiting conversations that took place last month with your significant other or business partner. This is also a favorable time to work out kinks in an existing contract.
Chiron goes retrograde on the 8th and the next several months will be spent finding your own voice within the conditioning imposed upon on you by others. Healing long-standing issues with siblings is also favored during this transit.
On the 16th, the Full Moon lunar eclipse closes out a major chapter of your life regarding your experience with your father or the masculine energy as whole. This is a good time to release any distorted beliefs associated with masculine energy. On the 19th, Mercury dips back into Cancer inviting you to revisit an old routine that benefitted your emotional well-being. This can be as simple as writing in your journal every morning or night. On the 22nd, the Sun moves into your opposite sign with Venus in hot pursuit on the 27th. Get ready for that summer romance of a lifetime. The New Moon on the 31st represents the start of a beautiful, new partnership. If you're looking for a business contact, you'll likely meet a charismatic person to join forces with during this transit. July closes out with Mercury going direct, helping you find the flow in your new and improved lifestyle.
Pisces
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20)
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July begins with Mars moving into Leo on the 1st and for the next month and a half, your energy is exerted towards improving your health. On the 2nd, the New Moon solar eclipse invites you to nurture your inner child and your creativity. Venus moves into this part of your sky on the 3rd, bringing in an influx of dating prospects or reviving the romance between you and bae. On the 7th, Mercury goes retrograde encouraging you to revisit an old routine that benefitted your health and well-being. This is the perfect time to start working out again or trying that plant-based lifestyle you've veered away from.
On the 8th, Chiron goes retrograde for the next several months helping you resolve emotional wounds related to your self-esteem and body image.
The Full Moon lunar eclipse on the 16th highlights your social network. This could be a time in which you part ways with an old friend group to create space for people that are more in alignment with you and your mission. If you're not interested in revisiting the past, this is a good time to wrap up a creative project you've put on the back burner. You've got all the inspiration to create a masterpiece. On the 22nd, the Sun moves into Leo with Venus following behind. You're on the receiving end of good vibes and fortune in the workplace. If you're open to love, the gym and health and wellness conferences may be your best bet for meeting someone. The month ends with a New Moon on the 31st inviting you to commit to your vitality by implementing better habits that benefit you holistically.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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