While it's not often that I'll write a marriage-related article that is specific to a particular year, after the ride that 2020 has been, I thought it was absolutely necessary to do so. One of the main reasons why is because, I can't tell you how many times I've read articles with headlines like, "US divorce rates skyrocket amid COVID-19 pandemic". The reasons why vary. Some folks aren't used to spending so much time, day after day, with their partner. Other couples are struggling because of the financial stress and strain that the pandemic has caused. Then there are those who are only looking to love to keep them together, when a marriage needs the manifestation of that love to look a lot different than romantic comedies or novels portray.
That's where today's article comes in. Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is beneficial. And, despite what the media may say, marriage is still relevant. But when you're being constantly tried and tested, like this year is relentlessly doing, it's important to know what things you may need to prioritize in your marriage—not just so it will last, but so it can remain really healthy too. You ready to read what makes my top six list?
1. Empathy
2020 has been nothing short of a trip times one billion. Yet, out of all of the things that I've seen that has really caused me to pause, it has to be the lack of empathy that, let's be honest, masses of people have shown. Not wearing masks to protect others? Apathy. Acting like social justice is nothing more than an annoyingly passing trend? Apathy. Misusing Scripture to serve some twisted racist agenda? Apathy. Shoot, overlooking the needs of others when they know that they can do something to help them out? APATHY. Hmph. And don't even get me started on my sessions with couples. While I do most certainly agree with the late Ruth Bell Graham when she once said, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers" (single folks, if you are a grudge holder, stay single. You're not a realistic candidate for marriage if you're not good at forgiving others. Marriage requires A LOT of it. Just ask a married person), something that I think doesn't get nearly enough of a "marriage shout-out" is empathy.
An empathetic person is a really dope individual, to me. The reason why I say that is because, they go beyond merely feeling bad for someone (like a sympathetic person tends to do); they actually are intentional about trying to identify with someone's thoughts and feelings.
Some signs that someone is empathetic? They care deeply about others. They are very proactive about solving problems (because they loathe conflict). Their intuition is pretty on point. No pun intended but, for better or for worse, they are very sensitive. And they listen in order to really and truly understand what is going on.
If you really let all of those traits sink in, I'm pretty sure you can get why I said that husbands and wives need buckets and buckets of empathy in order to make their marriage, not just "work", but last and thrive. That's why, in a year that is filled with so much loss, mayhem and even confusion, I wholeheartedly believe that if there's one way to keep a marriage intact, it's when both individuals are committed to being empathetic towards one another. Not just when they "feel" like it—consistently so.
2. Intimacy
I once read a quote that said, "Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you let text you at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when 10 other people are asking for it. Intimacy is about the person who is always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are." OK, let me just say that, while I dig this quote, I TOTALLY disagree with the first line. Well, let me actually put it this way—if a word was added to it, I'd be down with it. "Intimacy is not JUST about who you let touch you." I've written way too many articles on marriage and sex (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life", "7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It", "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex", "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex" and "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides"…for starters) to act like physical intimacy, including sex, shouldn't be a very top priority in a marital union. Because, after all, who else are you having sex with if you've got a spouse? (A layered question, I know but y'all get my point.)
However, the reason why this particular point isn't a shout-out to just sex alone is because, what I adore about the quote, is it defines intimacy as putting your partner on the very top of your favorite person and to-do list, on a daily basis. It speaks to the fact that, no matter what else may be going on, when your spouse hits you up, has a need, seems disconnected in some way—everything else needs to be put on pause until they are addressed. This kind of intimacy speaks to your spouse being your bestie. This kind of intimacy speaks to cultivating quality time. This kind of intimacy speaks to them feeling safe, comforted and reassured whenever they are in your presence. When two people are truly intimate with one another, especially when the outside world is so disheveled and uncertain, it brings a true peace that passes all understanding into the relational dynamic. An intimate couple is pretty close to unshakable. That's why intimacy—both physical and emotional—is oh so very important; especially in times like these.
3. Humor
I like me a (super) tall, dark and handsome man, just as much as the next sistah. Yet two things that have always been equal turn-ons is intellect (whew, a smart man is sexy AF) and humor—matter of fact, for me, it's more like wit because wit is brilliance with a sense of humor. A funny man can make you smile. A funny man can get your mind off of whatever is stressing you out. A funny man tends to see the silver linings in things. All of that is needed in a marriage, don't you think?
Matter of fact, there is a particular married couple I know who struggles quite a bit. I've observed them enough to know that a huge part of their problem is the husband is hilarious while the wife is a killjoy in basically every sense of the word. There is a substantial age difference between the two (she's older) and so, the things that he finds to be really funny, she patronizes him over (kind of like how Stella was in the movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back). When there are trying times and he tries to shed some light on it with humor, she chalks it up to him not caring. The entertainment that he finds fun and funny, she berates him over. Who wants to live like that?
An indie Black film that I find really cute (partly because Jason Weaver is in it and I've pretty much always been a fan of his, plus I have a bit of a girl crush on Caryn Ward) isHe's Mine Not Yours. In the movie, Gabrielle Dennis plays his girlfriend while Carl Payne plays his bestie. When Gabrielle's character realizes that she's at risk of losing her man, Carl Payne's character tells her to "lighten the hell up". AMEN. There are plenty of medical studies which support the fact that humor helps to relieve stress. Not only that but it helps to combat feelings of fear and anxiety and even reduces the physical feelings of pain while boosting one's immune system.
While you can't control all of the mayhem that might be happening right outside of your front door, what you can do is control the energy inside of your own home. Watch some comedies together. Tell— and listen to—some jokes. Avoid always having to have "deep and serious" conversations all the damn time. Like Carl Payne's character said, LIGHTEN UP. Humor is not only a beautiful trait in a relationship, in many ways, it can be a real lifesaver. Again, there is plenty of science to prove it.
4. Spirituality
While I don't have any social media accounts, sometimes I will tiptoe in to see what people are talking about. I think it was on xoNecole's Instagram where someone gave me a compliment that really made me smile. In reference to an article that I wrote earlier this year entitled, "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone", someone said (paraphrased), "I'm not a religious person and I thought this was gonna be really preachy, but it was actually great."
Do I think that God should be a part of every marriage? I am a Bible follower, so yes, I do. Genesis 2, Ephesians 5 and I Corinthians 11:1-16 are just three places in the Word that speak to that very fact. However, even if you're not "big on the Bible" or religion (of any kind because hopefully we all know there is more than Christianity out here), reportedly 87 percent of Americans still believe in God—a higher power who controls things that we simply cannot. The reason why this mindset is so vital in a marriage is because there are gonna be days, weeks, seasons even, when your marriage is gonna try and test you like nothing else. During those moments, if you're solely relying on yourself and/or your partner, at the very least, you're gonna end up being severely disappointed because you're human (which makes you flawed) and your partner is human (which also makes them flawed). If you add to that the fact that, even when both of you strive to do your best, there are still gonna be time when you both are going to miss the mark—there has to be room made for spirituality. Mediation (including orgasmic meditation). Prayer. Devotional time together. Spending time in nature. Both of you mutually deciding to release what is putting pressure onto the relationship, so that you both can put your trust and faith in God.
2020 has thrown us some real doozies and the year ain't over yet. Take some pressure off of yourself, as well as your spouse, by letting spirituality remind you that all you can do is what you can do. A higher power has to take over after that.
5. Accountability
Man, if any year has revealed the true colors and tendencies of folks, 2020 would have to be it. And when you learn how some folks really are vs. how you thought that they were, the disappointment—if not flat-out shock—can shake you to your very core. If you're not careful, it can also cause you to question if you can truly trust anyone; including—and perhaps especially—your spouse. That's why, when it comes to the list of what marriages need more than ever, I thought it was imperative to put accountability on the list.
Accountability is simply about giving an account for what you say and do. While, in the marriage context, it's certainly not about your partner feeling like they should police or parent you, they should definitely feel like they can ask questions and you will give an honest answer, that you will do what you say you are going to do and, that you both can fully rely on one another to celebrate each other's strengths and challenge areas of weakness so that your characters can become better and your relationship can ultimately thrive.
I've shared before that I've got an ex-boyfriend who used to say that marriage should be a sanctuary, a place of refuge—and I totally agree. A part of what comes with feeling safe within a marital union is knowing that, not only does your partner totally have your back, but they are your biggest fan in the sense that they want to see you become your best self—and so, they will hold you totally accountable so that you can be just that. In a world that is currently filled with so much disingenuousness, while accountability doesn't get a lot of credit, it really is a blessing to know there is someone who wants you to be…a wonderful you. Other than yourself, your spouse should be that person. Without question.
6. Endurance
If you've been reading my stuff long enough, you know that, while I am not even remotely the "average kind of Christian" when it comes to how I see things and move about (check out "What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?"), something that I am a HUGE fan of is the Bible. That's why, whenever I go to a wedding and a couple is looking all googly-eyed at each other as they recite the Love Chapter (I Corinthians 13:4-8), there are usually two things that come to my mind. One, love says NOTHING about being happy all of the time; still, a leading reason for why a lot of couples end their marriage is because "they're not happy anymore" (we'll have to really unpack that on another day). And two, when they state that love is patient and love endures, I always wonder if they looked those words up, just to make sure that they really mean what they are saying. Hear me when I say that neither of those words are for the weak. Not by a country mile.
I've actually broken down the word "patience" on this site quite a bit. A patient person isn't just someone who knows how to wait; they are also an individual who "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". According to the Good Book, LOVE IS PATIENT, so if you don't know how to deal with hardship, pain or even annoyances without remaining calm, not complaining (that's a big one) or not popping off all the time—are you as "in love" as you think? (Ouch and amen, right?)
As far as endurance goes, it's a "big boy and big girl word" too. Endurance means "the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions". Another way to look at this is, someone who endures has stamina and, according to the Bible, love "…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (I Corinthians 13:7-8—NKJV) Does this mean that you're called to endure abuse? Absolutely not. Yet I'll tell you this. In my over a decade of counseling couples, when physical abuse has come into play, it's actually been the wives hitting on their husbands (also another topic for another time) and when it came to affairs, those happened in both directions. Other than that, couples have wanted to end things for a lot less than abuse or affairs. It's been because they are bored, they feel like they've outgrown their partner (or felt like they chose the wrong one) or marriage simply wasn't what they thought it was going to be. In those cases, sometimes the word "endurance" needs to be brought into the equation more than it usually is.
No one said that marriage was easy. Sometimes, it's going to try you like nothing else ever could. Yet when you make the choice to endure because you love your partner, you adore your relationship and you know that seasons come and go—that kind of strength is what matures you, what benefits you and what equips you to handle things like this year in a way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise.
2020 has been something. It continues to be. But I really do believe, with everything in me, that if you and your spouse put these six things into daily—shoot, sometimes hourly—practice, your marriage will make it to 2021…and beyond. Hold each other close, OK? Your partner needs you. You need them too.
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
____
Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
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