While it's not often that I'll write a marriage-related article that is specific to a particular year, after the ride that 2020 has been, I thought it was absolutely necessary to do so. One of the main reasons why is because, I can't tell you how many times I've read articles with headlines like, "US divorce rates skyrocket amid COVID-19 pandemic". The reasons why vary. Some folks aren't used to spending so much time, day after day, with their partner. Other couples are struggling because of the financial stress and strain that the pandemic has caused. Then there are those who are only looking to love to keep them together, when a marriage needs the manifestation of that love to look a lot different than romantic comedies or novels portray.
That's where today's article comes in. Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is beneficial. And, despite what the media may say, marriage is still relevant. But when you're being constantly tried and tested, like this year is relentlessly doing, it's important to know what things you may need to prioritize in your marriage—not just so it will last, but so it can remain really healthy too. You ready to read what makes my top six list?
1. Empathy
2020 has been nothing short of a trip times one billion. Yet, out of all of the things that I've seen that has really caused me to pause, it has to be the lack of empathy that, let's be honest, masses of people have shown. Not wearing masks to protect others? Apathy. Acting like social justice is nothing more than an annoyingly passing trend? Apathy. Misusing Scripture to serve some twisted racist agenda? Apathy. Shoot, overlooking the needs of others when they know that they can do something to help them out? APATHY. Hmph. And don't even get me started on my sessions with couples. While I do most certainly agree with the late Ruth Bell Graham when she once said, "A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers" (single folks, if you are a grudge holder, stay single. You're not a realistic candidate for marriage if you're not good at forgiving others. Marriage requires A LOT of it. Just ask a married person), something that I think doesn't get nearly enough of a "marriage shout-out" is empathy.
An empathetic person is a really dope individual, to me. The reason why I say that is because, they go beyond merely feeling bad for someone (like a sympathetic person tends to do); they actually are intentional about trying to identify with someone's thoughts and feelings.
Some signs that someone is empathetic? They care deeply about others. They are very proactive about solving problems (because they loathe conflict). Their intuition is pretty on point. No pun intended but, for better or for worse, they are very sensitive. And they listen in order to really and truly understand what is going on.
If you really let all of those traits sink in, I'm pretty sure you can get why I said that husbands and wives need buckets and buckets of empathy in order to make their marriage, not just "work", but last and thrive. That's why, in a year that is filled with so much loss, mayhem and even confusion, I wholeheartedly believe that if there's one way to keep a marriage intact, it's when both individuals are committed to being empathetic towards one another. Not just when they "feel" like it—consistently so.
2. Intimacy
I once read a quote that said, "Intimacy is not who you let touch you. Intimacy is who you let text you at 3am about your dreams and fears. Intimacy is giving someone your attention, when 10 other people are asking for it. Intimacy is about the person who is always in the back of your mind, no matter how distracted you are." OK, let me just say that, while I dig this quote, I TOTALLY disagree with the first line. Well, let me actually put it this way—if a word was added to it, I'd be down with it. "Intimacy is not JUST about who you let touch you." I've written way too many articles on marriage and sex (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life", "7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It", "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex", "What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex" and "Bible Verses That Remind Married Couples To Explore Their Erotic Sides"…for starters) to act like physical intimacy, including sex, shouldn't be a very top priority in a marital union. Because, after all, who else are you having sex with if you've got a spouse? (A layered question, I know but y'all get my point.)
However, the reason why this particular point isn't a shout-out to just sex alone is because, what I adore about the quote, is it defines intimacy as putting your partner on the very top of your favorite person and to-do list, on a daily basis. It speaks to the fact that, no matter what else may be going on, when your spouse hits you up, has a need, seems disconnected in some way—everything else needs to be put on pause until they are addressed. This kind of intimacy speaks to your spouse being your bestie. This kind of intimacy speaks to cultivating quality time. This kind of intimacy speaks to them feeling safe, comforted and reassured whenever they are in your presence. When two people are truly intimate with one another, especially when the outside world is so disheveled and uncertain, it brings a true peace that passes all understanding into the relational dynamic. An intimate couple is pretty close to unshakable. That's why intimacy—both physical and emotional—is oh so very important; especially in times like these.
3. Humor
I like me a (super) tall, dark and handsome man, just as much as the next sistah. Yet two things that have always been equal turn-ons is intellect (whew, a smart man is sexy AF) and humor—matter of fact, for me, it's more like wit because wit is brilliance with a sense of humor. A funny man can make you smile. A funny man can get your mind off of whatever is stressing you out. A funny man tends to see the silver linings in things. All of that is needed in a marriage, don't you think?
Matter of fact, there is a particular married couple I know who struggles quite a bit. I've observed them enough to know that a huge part of their problem is the husband is hilarious while the wife is a killjoy in basically every sense of the word. There is a substantial age difference between the two (she's older) and so, the things that he finds to be really funny, she patronizes him over (kind of like how Stella was in the movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back). When there are trying times and he tries to shed some light on it with humor, she chalks it up to him not caring. The entertainment that he finds fun and funny, she berates him over. Who wants to live like that?
An indie Black film that I find really cute (partly because Jason Weaver is in it and I've pretty much always been a fan of his, plus I have a bit of a girl crush on Caryn Ward) isHe's Mine Not Yours. In the movie, Gabrielle Dennis plays his girlfriend while Carl Payne plays his bestie. When Gabrielle's character realizes that she's at risk of losing her man, Carl Payne's character tells her to "lighten the hell up". AMEN. There are plenty of medical studies which support the fact that humor helps to relieve stress. Not only that but it helps to combat feelings of fear and anxiety and even reduces the physical feelings of pain while boosting one's immune system.
While you can't control all of the mayhem that might be happening right outside of your front door, what you can do is control the energy inside of your own home. Watch some comedies together. Tell— and listen to—some jokes. Avoid always having to have "deep and serious" conversations all the damn time. Like Carl Payne's character said, LIGHTEN UP. Humor is not only a beautiful trait in a relationship, in many ways, it can be a real lifesaver. Again, there is plenty of science to prove it.
4. Spirituality
While I don't have any social media accounts, sometimes I will tiptoe in to see what people are talking about. I think it was on xoNecole's Instagram where someone gave me a compliment that really made me smile. In reference to an article that I wrote earlier this year entitled, "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone", someone said (paraphrased), "I'm not a religious person and I thought this was gonna be really preachy, but it was actually great."
Do I think that God should be a part of every marriage? I am a Bible follower, so yes, I do. Genesis 2, Ephesians 5 and I Corinthians 11:1-16 are just three places in the Word that speak to that very fact. However, even if you're not "big on the Bible" or religion (of any kind because hopefully we all know there is more than Christianity out here), reportedly 87 percent of Americans still believe in God—a higher power who controls things that we simply cannot. The reason why this mindset is so vital in a marriage is because there are gonna be days, weeks, seasons even, when your marriage is gonna try and test you like nothing else. During those moments, if you're solely relying on yourself and/or your partner, at the very least, you're gonna end up being severely disappointed because you're human (which makes you flawed) and your partner is human (which also makes them flawed). If you add to that the fact that, even when both of you strive to do your best, there are still gonna be time when you both are going to miss the mark—there has to be room made for spirituality. Mediation (including orgasmic meditation). Prayer. Devotional time together. Spending time in nature. Both of you mutually deciding to release what is putting pressure onto the relationship, so that you both can put your trust and faith in God.
2020 has thrown us some real doozies and the year ain't over yet. Take some pressure off of yourself, as well as your spouse, by letting spirituality remind you that all you can do is what you can do. A higher power has to take over after that.
5. Accountability
Man, if any year has revealed the true colors and tendencies of folks, 2020 would have to be it. And when you learn how some folks really are vs. how you thought that they were, the disappointment—if not flat-out shock—can shake you to your very core. If you're not careful, it can also cause you to question if you can truly trust anyone; including—and perhaps especially—your spouse. That's why, when it comes to the list of what marriages need more than ever, I thought it was imperative to put accountability on the list.
Accountability is simply about giving an account for what you say and do. While, in the marriage context, it's certainly not about your partner feeling like they should police or parent you, they should definitely feel like they can ask questions and you will give an honest answer, that you will do what you say you are going to do and, that you both can fully rely on one another to celebrate each other's strengths and challenge areas of weakness so that your characters can become better and your relationship can ultimately thrive.
I've shared before that I've got an ex-boyfriend who used to say that marriage should be a sanctuary, a place of refuge—and I totally agree. A part of what comes with feeling safe within a marital union is knowing that, not only does your partner totally have your back, but they are your biggest fan in the sense that they want to see you become your best self—and so, they will hold you totally accountable so that you can be just that. In a world that is currently filled with so much disingenuousness, while accountability doesn't get a lot of credit, it really is a blessing to know there is someone who wants you to be…a wonderful you. Other than yourself, your spouse should be that person. Without question.
6. Endurance
If you've been reading my stuff long enough, you know that, while I am not even remotely the "average kind of Christian" when it comes to how I see things and move about (check out "What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?"), something that I am a HUGE fan of is the Bible. That's why, whenever I go to a wedding and a couple is looking all googly-eyed at each other as they recite the Love Chapter (I Corinthians 13:4-8), there are usually two things that come to my mind. One, love says NOTHING about being happy all of the time; still, a leading reason for why a lot of couples end their marriage is because "they're not happy anymore" (we'll have to really unpack that on another day). And two, when they state that love is patient and love endures, I always wonder if they looked those words up, just to make sure that they really mean what they are saying. Hear me when I say that neither of those words are for the weak. Not by a country mile.
I've actually broken down the word "patience" on this site quite a bit. A patient person isn't just someone who knows how to wait; they are also an individual who "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". According to the Good Book, LOVE IS PATIENT, so if you don't know how to deal with hardship, pain or even annoyances without remaining calm, not complaining (that's a big one) or not popping off all the time—are you as "in love" as you think? (Ouch and amen, right?)
As far as endurance goes, it's a "big boy and big girl word" too. Endurance means "the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions". Another way to look at this is, someone who endures has stamina and, according to the Bible, love "…bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (I Corinthians 13:7-8—NKJV) Does this mean that you're called to endure abuse? Absolutely not. Yet I'll tell you this. In my over a decade of counseling couples, when physical abuse has come into play, it's actually been the wives hitting on their husbands (also another topic for another time) and when it came to affairs, those happened in both directions. Other than that, couples have wanted to end things for a lot less than abuse or affairs. It's been because they are bored, they feel like they've outgrown their partner (or felt like they chose the wrong one) or marriage simply wasn't what they thought it was going to be. In those cases, sometimes the word "endurance" needs to be brought into the equation more than it usually is.
No one said that marriage was easy. Sometimes, it's going to try you like nothing else ever could. Yet when you make the choice to endure because you love your partner, you adore your relationship and you know that seasons come and go—that kind of strength is what matures you, what benefits you and what equips you to handle things like this year in a way that you wouldn't be able to otherwise.
2020 has been something. It continues to be. But I really do believe, with everything in me, that if you and your spouse put these six things into daily—shoot, sometimes hourly—practice, your marriage will make it to 2021…and beyond. Hold each other close, OK? Your partner needs you. You need them too.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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