There's no coincidence that Gemini season is one of the busiest, social times of the year. The month starts off with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, making this the perfect time to set intentions for new ways to share your truth.
Mercury, the planet of communication, moves into sentimental Cancer on the 4th, bringing a softness to our interactions this month. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini, amping up the flirtatious energy. During this transit, it's common to attract more eccentric, carefree connections that bring out your inner wild child. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius encourages you to not only be optimistic about your goals but to also take bold action (think of the Knight of Wands in the Tarot).
It's one thing to hope for a better tomorrow but what actions are you taking in the now to align yourself with where (and who) you'd like to be?
Neptune goes retrograde on the 21st for the next several months making this an ideal time to take your spiritual development even further. When Neptune is direct, we tend to take a more idealistic approach to life but when the planet of illusion goes retrograde, our perspective becomes that much more clear. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day, bringing the collective focus to family, home, and our roots (and also getting us ready for Eclipse season next month). On the 26th, Mercury moves into fierce Leo, making our conversations even more lively and passionate with a side of drama.
Check out your zodiac sign's monthly horoscope below to see what June has in store for you:
Aries
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The month begins with a New Moon on the 3rd encouraging you to try something new when it comes to communicating your truth. This is a great time to start a new blog, initiate that YouTube channel, or share your thoughts from a more authentic space. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making family matters the topic of discussion, whether you're squashing beef with your loved ones or planning to start your own family with your partner. Venus moves into adventurous Gemini on the 8th, which could bring an opportunity to travel with bae or meet someone different than your usual type. Social media dating is favorable during this transit as well as meeting someone at a seminar or conference.
Enjoying what you love is a good way to attract someone on the same wave as you.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sister sign, Sagittarius, gives you a much-needed boost of energy as well as a defining breakthrough moment as it pertains to higher learning, publishing, and your spiritual beliefs. This is an opportune time to reveal that project you've been working on. Full Moons can also result in endings, like parting ways with an old spiritual path, philosophy, or mentor that no longer resonates with you. Neptune goes retro on the 21st, encouraging you to dive deeper into your wealth of spiritual wisdom. Your dreams will be even more enhanced providing you with the guidance you seek. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day making home and family top priority for the next month. June wraps up with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, adding even more passion, romance, and adventure to your world.
Taurus
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June blossoms open with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, inviting you to set intentions for the material gain you'd like to make over the next lunar cycle. Your gift of gab will be a defining factor in your prosperity this month. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, which softens your connections with siblings, close friends, and neighbors. Taking a trip home is favorable under this transit. Venus, your ruling planet, moves into quirky Gemini on the 8th, which is attracting some unusual romantic candidates into your life. Keeping an open mind can actually land you in a connection, whether romantic or platonic, that brings out your own unique qualities that can give you more of an edge to help advance you financially. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius helps you release any unresolved emotional blockages that hinder you from feeling deeply connected to the people in your life.
You may often feel like no one really knows you. Well, here's your chance to finally be seen, heard, and known for all of your beauty and scars.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, clearing out any illusions you've held around your social circle. This energy can manifest as someone being outed for some shady business but be grateful for revelations that come during this transit that will show you who your real friends are. During this transit, you'll also receive a wake up call about a long-term dream of yours that needs less wishful thinking and more hard work. The Sun moves into empathic Cancer the same day. Much of your interests and conversations over the next month will be about motherhood and your roots. Exploring your ancestry with your siblings can be a great way to bond at this time. The month closes out with Mercury moving into vivacious Leo on the 26th, enlivening your interactions with family making this a perfect time for a summer vacay with the ones you love.
Gemini
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Happy birthday, Gemmie! Your season has finally arrived and the month kicks off with a New Moon in your sign. You only get one New Moon a year so make the best of this by setting intentions for what you want to experience during this next year around the Sun. Mercury moves into Cancer on the 4th, bringing your focus to money and the practical matters of life. This is also a good time to nurture a new hobby that could potentially bring in additional revenue. On the 8th, Venus moves into your sign, making you the hottest hottie of the zodiac.
The road ahead is paved with good fortune and an overflow of love. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius highlights your closest relationships, whether it be your significant other or business partner. This time can mark a completion within one of your connections or simply the need to readjust your boundaries. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months, clearing the fog around your career path.
If you've been feeling lost when it comes to your life purpose, this transit can help you connect with the deeper truth of who you are and the work that you can do to make the world a better place.
Any issues with authority figures can be squashed during this transit thanks to a change in perspective that offers a clearer view of the dynamic. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day, which brings your focus to finances and how you make your money. This is a time to reassess how nurturing your work truly is. The month comes to a close with Mercury, planet of communication, moving into Leo on the 26th, making you super popular amongst your local scene. Writing, blogging, and anything that allows you to verbally express your star power is favored at this time.
Cancer
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The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd bringing your attention to your subconscious, dreams, and endings. Use the energy to release stagnant mental patterns and emotions that are likely tied to past life karma. It's time to reset before your b-day season so leave the baggage behind. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sign, making you quite the busy bee. As popular as you are during this transit, you may prefer to retreat in the comfort of your home. Venus, planet of love, moves into Gemini on the 8th urging you to take a more private approach to love, making this the perfect "Netflix and Chill" transit. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius puts a spotlight on your daily routines, habits, and health. This is an opportune time to ditch bad habits with a fire ritual. Simply write down what you want to release and burn it under the light of the moon.
Neptune goes retro on the 21st up through November giving you the chance to dive deeper into study to refine your personal philosophies and spiritual development. During this transit, connecting with your Higher Self and spirit squad is easier than usual. The Sun moves into your sign on the same day making you the star of the show. Around this time, it's a good idea to start thinking about what you want to accomplish in the year ahead. If you're into rituals, wait until your New Moon in July as this energy is extremely supportive for you. The month closes out with Mercury, planet of communication, moving into Leo on the 26th. Conversation surrounding your finances are likely during this transit. This is a great time to bring hidden talents to the forefront.
Stop sleeping on yourself and resolve those issues surrounding your self-esteem to help you tap into the momentum of this transit. You have the ability to make a strong impression on those around you if you believe in yourself.
Leo
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Happy June, lioness! The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, making you even more popular than you already are amongst your friends. You may even consider collaborating towards a common goal with your social circle. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making you more aware of subconscious patterns that inhibit you from experiencing the nurturing that you need. Mommy issues are likely to surface. Using your dreams and past life regression can help you get to the root of the issue. Venus moves into charming Gemini on the 8th and one of your friends wants to take things to the next level with you. Of course, it's up to you if you grant them the privilege of exiting the friend zone. On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sister sign, Sagittarius, lights up your dating life. This is a perfect night to get out there if you're open to love.
Your creativity is heightened at this time as well. If you've been working on a project behind the scenes, this is a great moment to release it to the world.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde in your house of shadows, making the next several months all about understanding the hidden parts of your personality. Any traumatic experiences you've endured can be seen through a more enlightened perspective that helps you release the binds within your psyche. The Sun moves into Cancer the same day, slowing down your momentum to get you ready for your birthday season. Don't get ahead of yourself! Enjoy this time to rest, replenish, and reconnect with yourself on a deeper level. The month closes out with Mercury moving into your sign on the 26th. You've got the gift of gab and you're open to sharing your knowledge with others. Keep in mind that with great power comes great responsibility.
Virgo
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The month begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, bringing your focus to career and achievements.
This is the perfect time to set intentions for what the success you want to achieve in the next moon cycle. Honoring your uniqueness will get you further than blending in with the crowd.
On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer and you're all about supporting social causes that hit home for you that tie into your long-term vision for your life. Venus, planet of love and money, moves into Gemini on the 8th which can have you eyeing someone in the workplace (or they can be eyeing you). Proceed with caution when mixing business with pleasure. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius brings a resolution to family quarrels. You may also consider ending a lease or moving around this time. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, helping you reassess your relationships with others with more clarity.
Any illusions you've built up around a particular partnership will likely dissolve, helping you see the truth of the situation and not just your projections of what you want it to be. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're more interested in connecting with those that make you feel emotionally safe. You'll likely be in the mood to play the role of nurturer for friends. This is great energy for volunteering with organizations that serve disenfranchised children and women. The month closes with Mercury, your ruling planet, moving into Leo giving you tons of energy but in a more quiet part of your chart associated with the subconscious. Keep a dream journal around this time to help you understand blockages that keep you from shining your star power.
Libra
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The month begins with a New Moon in your sister sign on the 3rd which is opening up doors for you in areas of travel and higher learning. Get your passport ready, jet-setter! Mercury, planet of communication, moves into Cancer on the 4th, bringing your focus to career and climbing the social ladder. As motivated as you are, it's important to keep your work-life balance in check. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini, making you super magnetic. If you're traveling around this time, love is definitely following you wherever you go.
The Full Moon in Sagittarius on the 17th highlights an important conversation that will transform the way you communicate your truth. If you work with the media or writing, this is the perfect time to share what you've been cooking up behind the scenes.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde and the next several months will be spent transforming your inner world as it's related to your health and well-being. This transit is supportive of kicking any bad habits, especially those that affect you mentally and/or physically. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day giving you the boost that you need to boss up. You're feeling more goal-oriented at this time, so use the energy to check off some things on your to-do list. The month closes out with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, making you the center of attention amongst your friends. You could even be in the works of collaborating with your soul tribe to make your impact in the world.
Scorpio
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Summer is nearing and the month begins with a chatty New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd. Even the most private sign of the zodiac needs to express itself from time to time. Opt for a session with your therapist (or a trusted friend) instead of that bottle of booze. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sister sign, Cancer, and you're feeling the wanderlust. A trip to the beach can be soothing for your spirit during this transit. This is also a good time to dive deep into research when it comes to spirituality and philosophy. Connecting with a mentor, or teaching others what you know, is favored at this time. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and you're feeling more open when it comes to sharing some of your well-kept secrets. Talking about your trauma, whether with a professional or loved one, can be extremely transformational.
The Full Moon in Sagittarius on the 17th provides a spiritual catharsis surrounding a longstanding issue about your self-worth.
You may decide to sever ties with an employer if your time, effort, and skills aren't being valued. On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde, helping you gain clarity to areas of romance and dating. Exploring your attachment style and early childhood can refine you spiritually. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're open to learning through new experiences, places, and cultures. Traveling abroad is favored but just make sure to plan thoroughly as we gear up towards another Mercury retrograde in July. The month closes out with Mercury, planet of travel and communication, bringing your full attention to career matters. You've got potential to make some major moves during this transit. Believe in yourself and turn on your charm!
Sagittarius
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There's lots of action taking place with the Sun in your opposite sign this month. June begins with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd welcoming fresh beginnings when it comes to relationships. You may be meeting someone very special who could play a significant role in your life, whether romantic or platonic. Mercury moves into Cancer on the 4th and you're diving deep into your psyche, possibly with the assistance of a therapist or a trusted friend. Take a nurturing approach to the skeletons that hide in your closet instead of pretending they don't exist. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and love matters are getting serious. This energy could bring in a serious soulmate and some of you may even be tying the knot during this transit.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in your sign frees you up from the chains that bind you in mind, body, and spirit. You are feeling renewed and energized especially if you've been processing some heavy relationship karma.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months. You're encouraged to take this time to explore your roots and unravel any generational patterns that are hindering you from evolving into a better version of yourself. We transition into Cancer season on the same day. You're focused on nurturing your closest connections with little to no interest in anything surface-level. Any fears or unresolved emotions surfacing at this time are best dealt with with a compassionate, gentle approach. Oftentimes, what we refer to as our inner demons are simply pieces of us that have gone forgotten and are waiting to be seen and heard.
Capricorn
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Happy June, Cappie! The month starts off with a sociable New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd encouraging you to start new habits and routines that support your well-being (particularly your nervous system). Mercury moves into your opposite sign on the 4th which can highlight some important conversations with key players in your life. You may find yourself readjusting your boundaries if you're not receiving the nurturing you desire from one of your close connections. On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and a potential workplace romance is possible. Just be cautious when mixing business with pleasure. On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius illuminates the mental and emotional patterns that have been keeping you stuck from expressing your truth.
This energy can be very revealing and if you have any hidden enemies in your midst, you'll know who they are around this time. Pay close attention to your dreams for insight at this time.
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde and you'll be undergoing a deep metamorphosis in relation to your communication (not only with others but primarily with self). This is an opportune time to unpack your own personal narrative that doesn't allow you to see the truth of who you are at a soul level. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and your relationships take front and center stage during this transit. As we gear up towards eclipse season in July, you'll likely be weeding out connections that are no longer growing you. On the 26th, Mercury moves into Leo, activating a deep craving for soul-stirring connections that embrace all of what you are—both beauty and scars.
Aquarius
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The month begins with a flirtatious New Moon in your sister sign, Gemini, bringing in fresh beginnings in your dating life. Whether you're single or already coupled, romance is heating up this month as well as your creativity. Starting a new project is favorable at this time. On the 4th, Mercury moves into Cancer, making you super busy at work. Just make sure you don't burn yourself out especially if you work in a care provider or healing profession. You can't pour from an empty cup! On the 8th, Venus moves into Gemini and your personal magnetism is out of the world. But, hey, you're an Aquarius, so if anyone can draw people in with their unique, quirky ways, it's you.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius lights up your social circle, making this a great night to connect with new and old friends alike. Sometimes this energy can result in severed ties if a connection to a group no longer aligns with your path. Let go with grace and love knowing that your tribe awaits you!
On the 21st, Neptune goes retrograde for the next several months. This is an opportune time to explore your beliefs related to money and material possessions. It's time to transform that lack consciousness into one of abundance. If you haven't been seeing your worth very clearly, this transit can help clear out emotional residue that's tampering with your self-esteem. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day with your health and well-being taking precedence. Get that annual check up, try a detox, or get back to your fitness routine to keep yourself balanced. The month closes out with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th, bringing up important conversations with key players in your life. Expect your relationships to be nothing less than entertaining during this transit. Easy on the drama though!
Pisces
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Welcome to June, Pisces! The month takes off with a New Moon in Gemini on the 3rd, bringing your focus to family and home. You may be moving to a new place at this time or expanding your family. On the 4th, Mercury moves into your sister sign, Cancer, making things steamy in the romance department. The cosmos is brewing with fertility for you, so if you want to have a child, this is a great time to start planning. If you're not interested in kids, connecting with your inner child is equally as important for your creative expression and healing at this time.
Venus, the planet of love and money, moves into Gemini on the 8th. New opportunities that allow you to work from home can come about. When it comes to love, you may be more interested in pillow talk than date nights.
On the 17th, the Full Moon in Sagittarius brings a peak experience related to career. Good news worth celebrating may be revealed around this time. Get ready to take things up a notch with this newfound success and leadership you're coming in to. If you're in a dead-end job, this energy can mark the finale as you venture off towards a better opportunity. Neptune goes retrograde on the 21st, which clears up a lot of shit for you. Whether you've been aimlessly wandering through life or skeptical about a relationship, this transit will help you get to the truth of the matter. The Sun moves into Cancer on the same day and you're feeling charged up. You've spent enough time indoors so get out there and engage with the world again. Many adventures await you if you're open to them.
The month winds down with Mercury moving into Leo on the 26th making you super busy at work. Your hard work will not go unnoticed during this transit so don't be afraid to shine!
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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