When I finished my MBA years ago, the reality of the economy I had graduated in chin-checked me like nobody's business. Everyone told me, "Go to school, get good grades. You'll be making no less than $50,000 out of grad school." Life had other plans entirely.
I did what I was told. I was supposed to be on Easy Street but no one would hire me. Adding insult to injury, though I had two degrees, I hadn't bolstered my experience the way many of my classmates had with internships, fellowships, and part-time work in the field of their choice. I was ill-prepared.
To say that I grew bitter would be an understatement. I stayed in bed, shutting everything out but Netflix and Twitter - ensconced in misery, terrified of what would (or wouldn't) come next. I resigned myself to pout over what my college experience didn't give me. I pointed the finger at lack of opportunities and ill-equipped mentors. Jealousy grew for those around me who were pressing forward, living in ways I knew I wanted to.
I wallowed with half-cocked ideas but no plan of follow-through for almost a year. There wasn't one particular moment that changed everything, I just got sick of myself. I got tired of fruitlessness. I got tired of seeing everyone advancing while I ate Golden Oreos and watched Saving Grace.
Truth? Until I decided to check myself and do the inner work (peace to #blkcreatives), I was going to continue to be miserable. So, I did the emotional, mental, and spiritual self-surgery. Don't get me wrong -- it hurt like what I imagine removing a bullet feels like. But it grew me up. It made me better.
Being honest with yourself about yourself is always hard if you're not used to it - but once you give it a go, it becomes cake. Here are the three steps I took to Debo'ing myself up out of a terrible attitude and ensuring that if I did fall into a rut in the future, I'd never stay too long:
I Acknowledged My Part
The main question (and most painful at times) I asked myself was, "How did I get here?" I thought about all the decisions I made - or didn't make - that directly influenced where I was. I was the common denominator. There were plenty of decisions I didn't think through. There were choices I made out of fear or hurt or anger. I had to own every twist and turn.
It's fruitless and foolish to remain in the same spot simply because we're angry at being in said spot.
Yes, factors outside of us play a part but the part we play is the principle role.
I rattled off questions like, "Have you been proactive or only ever reactive to what's going on in your life? Do you fly by the seat of your pants or do you plan? Do you live from a purely emotional place or do you use wisdom?" Once I answered honestly and humbly, I could see my pathology, where I needed to grow, what steps I could take to start, and who I needed to enlist for support.
I Made A Different Choice
I know that opinions on life coach and spiritual teacher, Iyanla Vanzant, are mixed to say the least but one piece of advice that she gives has stuck with me like soul food to the ribs:
"Make a different choice."
It's profound in its simplicity and it's so easily applicable. I didn't have to go get a third degree or wait on someone else to scoop me up and change my life. All I had to do was assess what I had been doing up to that point and decide differently. No one was holding me back or making me miserable but myself.
I had every bit of power it took to do something completely different and all I had to do was choose to.
All I had to do was make up my mind to do so.
I Fed Myself Good Things
Yes, I put away the Golden Oreos and picked up a healthier lifestyle. I even committed to vegetarianism for a few months. But feeding myself good things traveled further than food. Playlists had to change. Music with a positive, forward-thinking message began to rule the airwaves for me. I began to study and practice mindfulness - noticing what I was thinking (not judging myself - just noticing), and shifting my thoughts to something else. For every negative thought, I had a roster of positive ones to combat them - like guerilla warfare.
For example: If I was feeling particularly bummed about finances, thinking, "Dang, I'm broke." I would notice what I was thinking and immediately combat that with, "Where there was once lack, better financial decisions are now preparing the way for abundance." To avoid slipping back into bitterness and anger, you have to arrest and reverse the thoughts that do the most damage to your will and your spirit.
Curate your life in a way that nudges you into the mindset and lifestyle you desire.
This is a day-to-day practice and battle against everything that wants to keep you stuck. Choose to be better everyday by inundating your life with the good. Mute the gossip on the timeline. Unfollow accounts that stir up impostor syndrome. There is no shame in positive life modification to help build your self-esteem, focus, and spirit.
I Came Clean With My People
Isolation is one of the number of ways we develop all sorts of terrible behaviors and thought processes. Though not easy, I stopped shutting everyone else out. At first I felt weak for needing to talk through things. Over time, I recognized that no one can survive - sane - without leaning on others for help, guidance, and encouragement from time to time.
I started hanging out with girlfriends whose lives reflected the positive spirit I craved. I sat down with my family and let them know I was going through it. They told me about myself and then they embraced me with all the love I needed to continue to turn things around.
Related: In My Feelings: Why You Can't Let Your Emotions Control You
We're human. God wouldn't have given us the ability to feel if we weren't meant to. But when we allow our emotions to rule us and change us into people who can't hear, can't receive, and refuse to do better, we pull the plug on an impactful future.
I periodically remind myself that my disposition and state in life are wholly and completely my own choice. At some point, your perpetual anger isn't about what others have done to you or taken from you, it's just your choice of disposition. How you move forward rests solely at your own feet.
So, what's your choice?
Featured image by Getty Images
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Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert