Quantcast

Chasing the elusive orgasm. That's what sex has become for many of us, but I'm here to tell you that sex in the absence of orgasm can still be pleasurable. I'm trying not to raise my voice too loud so as not to let the anxious men hear me, but I do want you to hear me, ladies.

My personal theory is that most of the hype around orgasm is really our collective dismay with the fact that we give them to men so freely only for them (in far too many instances) to do the bare minimum to reciprocate.

Shutterstock

Couple this with the fact that so many men are illiterate about sex, that they can barely find the clitoris, much less understand that it needs attention to up the odds of achieving orgasm...and it's truly misused of a masterpiece.

And, while I don't think an orgasm is necessary to enjoy sex to the fullest -- which we will get back to shortly -- I will remain on and die on this hill, maintaining that there's no space in our life for men who don't care to make the effort. I'm not a fan of consolation prizes, usually, but in this case: A for effort, always. At least on a decent human-being level, that has nothing at all to do with your sex.

Women are conditioned to please men...period.

While (new age) men are (re)conditioned to care about the pleasure of partners with who they want to grow with and that shows amongst us single women. The old heads? I can't speak much on it, but I've heard too many stories of women just lying there during sex while being rammed at. Eck. And sorry to that woman! Admittedly, there's been growth---growth that I would love to see continue. But, when you're with a person who you trust to ebb and flow with you throughout the process of pleasure, every sexual encounter doesn't have to end in orgasm, and that goes for both of you.

Shutterstock

The notion that sex isn't pleasurable if there's no orgasm is an ableist notion. Not all people have the ability to achieve orgasm for a number of reasons, and this pressure from society to always perform to the point of orgasms can be a bit terrifying for those people.

And, even if you're able-bodied, goal-oriented sex creates so much unnecessary pressure that the goal in and of itself makes it more difficult for you to orgasm. As I mentioned earlier, women are already at a disadvantage in this game! Our orgasms don't come with the simplicity of a penis, which had all the ribbing of a deflated pool floaty just 30 seconds prior to the soft graze of a tongue.

Many of us require clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and that ain't no thing. It should certainly be arranged---the clitoral stimulation---in any well-rounded "sexperience". But, again, the pressure. It's so unnecessary. As a whole, it's probably best to stop looking at sex as a three-part series and just lump everything together.

Foreplay isn't foreplay. It's sex.

Featured image by Shutterstock

 

RELATED

 
ALSO ON XONECOLE
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love

At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.

KEEP READINGShow less
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?

Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.

When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.

KEEP READINGShow less
LATEST POSTS