A few weeks ago, while in a session with some clients, the wife asked me if I had any tips on how she and her husband could make foreplay more exciting. The first thing that came out of my mouth was that she and her man should get into giving each other massages more often.
After she looked at me like, “No, I mean something sexy that we can do,” I proceeded to explain to her that, when done with a specific intention and goal in mind, sex massages can be something that will lead to some of the most intense and pleasurable sex two people have ever had.
Yeah, I know a lot of times that, when the topic of massages comes up, it’s from a more “functional” space, such as relieving pain or reducing anxiety; however, as you’re about to see, if you and your man added sex massages into your sex life more often, “boring” is probably the last thing that you will ever use to describe what happens up in your bedroom ever again.
Here’s why I believe that to absolutely be the case…
First, Let’s Recap (Some of) the Benefits of a Massage
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A few years ago, I wrote an article entitled, “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.” for the platform. When you get a second, check it out because not only can it help you to figure out what specific type of massage you should get the next time that you schedule one, but it can also provide some proven health benefits that come with each one.
As far as massages overall, according to the American Massage Therapy Association, massages can do everything from reducing stress and anxiety to soothing lower back pain, releasing muscle tension, and improving your quality of sleep — and that really is just the tip of the iceberg! And since those things alone can play a direct role in not just how much sex you have but how great the sex will be while you’re having it, automatically, massages should become a part of your self-care regimen if you’re serious about getting the absolute most, in the best way possible, when it comes to your sex life (along with the quality of your health overall but we’re talking about sex right now…#wink).
Now, Let’s Talk About the Power of Physical Touch
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Back when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit, once I developed a certain level of trust with my “daughters,” they would oftentimes bring their boyfriends (or, umm, situations) in for me to low-key vet them. Even though, these days, you have to be extra careful when it comes to extending any kind of physical contact with folks, does it surprise y’all that I am totally unconventional? I would hug my girls and their guys. Why? Because I get that a big part of the reason why so many young people are so hypersexed is that they don’t really get much physical affection at home (you can always tell); so, sex is what they resort to in order to get some sort of touch from another human being. They’re not alone either; I’ve actually read that the United States tops the places in the world where people are extremely “touch deprived.”
That said, at this point, who doesn’t know about the five love languages (check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?”)? At the very least, everyone is aware that they are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and, yes, physical touch. Yet even if physical touch isn’t the top way that you’d prefer to receive love, it’s still a foundational need for you, whether you realize it or not. There are studies to support the fact that when teachers pat their students on the back, those individuals are three times more likely to engage in class, that children with autism (who oftentimes prefer no touch at all) feel soothed whenever they are massaged by a parent or their therapist; that massage therapy is quite effective with moms who are going through postpartum depression, and that touch can make those with Alzheimer’s disease feel less stressed out.
When it comes to touch on a romantic level, there’s also research that cites that physical touch helps to activate the part of our brains that helps us to make wiser decisions. And, when it comes to kissing, we as women choose our partners, in part, by “messages” that we receive through a man’s saliva (no joke!). Plus, if you want to feel supported and empathized with, physical touch can convey that message, too. Not to mention good ole’ oxytocin and the role that it plays in bonding us to other people whenever we’re holding their hand, cuddling up with them, or engaging in sex with them.
I really could go on and on, yet I’m hoping what you’re getting is revelation, understanding, and/or confirmation that physical touch is extremely important and, when it comes to interacting with your partner, it goes well beyond what goes down in the bedroom. Physical touch is literally life-altering.
Okay, So What Makes a ‘Sex Massage’ Different?
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So, what makes a sex (or sexual) massage different from any other kind of one? That’s a good question. A sex massage is pretty much what it sounds like: a massage that has the ultimate intention of sexually exciting or arousing one’s partner.
If the first thing that comes to your mind is a “happy ending,” I won’t lie — there is some merit to that. In fact, full disclosure, a part of what inspired me to even pen this was rewatching the Lifetime series The Client List (Jennifer Love Hewitt) on Tubi (did you know that they’ve got Degrassi High: The Next Generation [yep with Drake] on there now? Dammit man! LOL). If you’ve never seen it or the movie that resulted in the spinoff, long story short, a spa was giving happy endings on the low. The women there would dress up in sexy outfits, start off with a “regular” massage, and between personal requests for certain fetishes, touching “those” spots, and umm, doing some other things — I’m pretty sure that you get the drift. So yes, all of that would technically qualify as a sex massage.
However, when it comes to its core definition, the objective of a sex massage is to use massage to bring some peace, serenity, and stimulation to the mind, body, and spirit.
When you do this for men, it can help to treat erectile dysfunction and help them to last longer in bed. When you do this for women, it can reduce stress levels and make it easier to climax. For both, it can lead to intensified orgasms, which is always a good thing. And that’s why incorporating sex massages into your foreplay activities can always be a super wise move.
What Are the Different Types of Sexual Massages?
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Okay, so now that you know a little bit more about sex massages, you might be wondering if you should just put a lace teddy on, pull out some massage oil, and get to rubbing (or rubbing one out). I mean, that’s one approach — and I’m pretty sure that your partner won’t mind one bit. LOL. Technically, though, there are some specific types of sex massages that you can do.
Tantric Massage. This is a massage that incorporates the principles of tantra. You can read more about tantric sex principles here. As far as the massage itself goes, you pretty much start by massaging the entire body (preferably while your partner is on their back) as you slowly move towards their various erogenous zones. Peep that I didn’t say genitalia only; erogenous zones are various places throughout the body that sexually stimulate a person (check out “7 Erogenous Zones You and Your Partner Should Explore During Sex,” “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life” and “So, What If ‘Typical Erogenous Zones’ Annoy TF Outta You?”). Anyway, you can read more about how to give a stellar tantric massage here.
Tantric Breast Massage. Aside from the fact that breast massages can help to remove toxins from your body, if they happen to be an erogenous zone for you, they can feel pretty damn amazing, too, especially since nipple orgasms are definitely a thing and starting your night off with one could make for a super wild evening (in the best way possible, of course). Learn more about breast massages here.
Lingam Massage. Still, a part of the “tantric family,” lingam massages focus on the penis solely. I would go into more depth here, but there’s no need. A few years back, I wrote all about it. Check out “Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage.”
Yoni Massage. Pretty sure you can guess what this one is all about, right? Yes, a yoni massage is when your partner hones in on your vaginal region — first on your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) and then on your vagina (the inner tube). If you’d like to experience one, shoot your man the article that Men’s Health wrote on how to give one; it’s right here.
Nuru Massage. I’m someone who likes to read up on the origin of things. From what I’ve discovered about this type of massage, “nuru” is Japanese for slippery. What takes place here is you and your partner are both naked and (massage) oiled up. Then one of you lays on top of the other and rubs against the other person. How you can do this and it not immediately lead to sex? Your guess is as good as mine, chile. Read more up on it here.
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If reading about all of this doesn’t get you all hot ‘n bothered, just at the mere thought of giving and receiving a sex massage, I don’t know what to tell you, sis. Hell, I wrote it and I feel a bit of a tingle! All I can say is that a sex massage is something that you shouldn’t knock until you’ve tried (all five, in my opinion). And once you have, report back if all of that rubbing doesn’t cause a spark! Straight up.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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