xoMan: Keith Powers On His Growth As An Actor & What Qualifies As His 'Perfect Find'
With a smile that could light up the darkest room, soulful eyes that possess depth you can get lost within, and a charm that’s utterly irresistible, Keith Powers had me captivated way before his greeting on our Zoom call in late June. Upon introduction, Keith flashed his mega-watt grin and said my name in a deep honeyed tone that almost made me forget how to speak.
It’s a spell he casts without even trying and one that he shares with his character Eric in his latest film, Netflix’s The Perfect Find. The 30-year-old California native plays opposite Gabrielle Union as her younger love interest in the movie. Based on the novel by Tia Williams, the film is a romantic comedy helmed by Numa Perrier and follows the love story between a 40-year-old recently-single Jenna Jones (Gabrielle Union) who finds her spark one night unexpectedly in the form of a much younger man (Keith Powers).
Eric and Jenna share a kiss in a moment of meet-cute passion, but she soon learns that he is the son of her rival Darcy (Gina Torres), who also happens to be her new boss. Being on the verge of a career comeback while being faced with an unexpected romance with a guy 15 years her junior lays the groundwork for a potential mess but also a potentially perfect find.
During our conversation, I found the budding Hollywood heartthrob to be both an open book and a breath of fresh air with a shyness and humility you might not expect. It's a powerful alchemy that is perhaps the secret to the actor's sauce. It could also be why the many TikToks occupying my For You page from ladies ready to risk it all with clips of Keith in The Perfect Find edited fittingly to R&B sounds and captions of "my man my man my man" that further punctuate the infatuation.
Candidly with xoNecole, Keith discusses his growth as an actor, prioritizing his mental health, leaning into love, and what makes a woman his perfect find.
*Some responses have been edited for length and clarity.
Courtesy of Netflix
xoNecole: Hi, Keith, I'm so sorry that there might be a soundtrack of Mexico in the background.
Keith Powers: Nah, that's cool. You're in Mexico?
xoNecole: Yes.
Keith Powers: That's cool. Dope, dope, dope. I'm jealous.
xoNecole: I'm jealous of you! You're out here starring in films and whatnot. How are you doing?
Keith Powers: I'm doing really good. You know, just trying to remain present during this whole process. I've had times in the past where I've had all these expectations for stuff. And then it makes you feel like, Meh, what was that? But I have to know to remain present and just appreciate everything about having a project drop and just take it all in.
That's why it's important to really love to do this (laughs). Because you know, you just want to find a place to become content in the best way when you still [reaching] your potential.
xoNecole: That was powerful. Do you feel like you're living your potential right now? Or do you feel like there are parts of you that don't feel like you're quite there yet?
Keith Powers: I think I am. To a certain extent, I do feel like I do have some days where I'm just like I feel like there's something out there missing that I love, that would just complete life. But I think that just comes from not remaining present, and I think when you're not present, you always try to find things, or you chase things, and then you'll never become content. So I'm just trying to take in the stuff that's already around me that I love.
But [I] always feel like there's something else out there. I don't know what it is, but I'm always like, Man, am I living my full potential? I just have that question. I think we all have that question, though. We all like, "What's our purpose?" You really start asking yourself that. I see it in movies all the time, and it's easy to look at that question and be like, "That question is so cliche." But it's a real question. "What is my purpose?"
xoNecole: I feel that. You mentioned that you do your best to remain present. What are some things that you do to remember to be mindful and aware of the present and even grateful for what's happening now?
Keith Powers: I think the best thing to do is to put down your phone and just really take in stuff around you, like literally being present. Right? And I see me now versus me when I used to visit back home. I think I really lived in the present in my early twenties but sometimes in a real naive way. But that was okay because I was still present. And now, like, I'm around my family, I'm always thinking about ways to like to try to help my family when I'm around them so I could come off like very in my head sometimes because you just look at your family and you're like, "Damn! I love you all so much. I wish I could do more for you."
And I think when I'm around my family now, I just put my phone down and just take them in and really talk to them and just love on them in that moment. And it really helps you get your mind off of stuff that is really not in the present, and it feels really good when you look back on it like I really had a great time [with] my family because [I'm] really just taking them in. So I would say, like putting down the phone. That's the start, and then life will happen.
Courtesy of Netflix
xoNecole: Thank you for that. I have to say that when I was watching 'The Perfect Find,' I found it to be more of a complex version of the more run-of-the-mill rom-coms that I'm used to. Even your role as Eric just felt a lot more layered in a sense than I'm used to seeing you portray in your love interest roles that you take. I was wondering, how did you go about approaching the character work for this role?
xoNecole: It was really powerful, though, especially that scene in the fast-forward that you guys had where she revealed her big reveal. I just remember thinking, 'Oh, wow! He's done some work here.' Your reaction felt very palpable. It felt like something that could happen in real life.
Keith Powers: Yeah, I've been trying.
Courtesy of Netflix
xoNecole: And in 'The Perfect Find,' you kind of step to Gabrielle's character real strong-like (laughs), and I was wondering if that was more of a Keith approach to things or an Eric approach to things? I feel like I'm getting a bit of the answer based off of your last answer though...
Keith Powers: (Laughs) Nah, that was Eric. I ain't never came off that strong. I don't know if I ever came off that strong. Even when I'm not all the way sober. I feel like when I'm not sober, I'm really confident [or] I'm way more confident than when I am sober, but I ain't never came off that strong. Numa really wanted it to be this thing where they meet, and they get lost in each other at this party.
And I feel like some people have had those moments where you just kind of have that, you just meet someone in a party, and it feels like the party is not there no more. You just really wanted it to feel like these two people getting lost in each other because you need Jenna (Gabrielle's character) to still remember him after. But yeah, that was Eric. That's not me. I'm weirdly shy sometimes, and I don't have the most confidence. And sometimes I think when I act, when I get to play characters is when I really get to dive into my confidence. It's crazy because I feel like I have to do it.
"I'm weirdly shy sometimes, and I don't have the most confidence. And sometimes I think when I act, when I get to play characters is when I really get to dive into my confidence."
And I was just watching that scene too, like people just posting it and just seeing me like locked into Gabby's character, and I was just thinking like, Bro, what the hell? I'm so not like that in real life. Well, I am, I am. But I have to be really comfortable with you, and for him to do that just [after] meeting her is crazy (laughs).
xoNecole: (Laughs) That's good to know! It speaks to your acting, yet again. So that's good to know. And do you happen to have a favorite rom-com of all time?
Keith Powers: Favorite rom-com of all time? Yeah, I say, Coming to America is. I think we look at Coming to America either [as] a comedy or just a romance, but it's literally a romantic comedy. Coming to America is so good that I feel like it's multiple genres in one. But that is a romantic comedy to me. I felt like I liked his love, you know, Eddie [Murphy]'s love and that love story. And it was really funny. But Coming to America is my number one. I think I could watch that movie so many times. That movie never gets old to me.
And then another one, I would say, is No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman. I really love that one.
xoNecole: I know Gabrielle voiced hand-picking you to play the role [of Eric] because of how you treat or treated Ryan Destiny. How does it feel to be vouched for in that way as an actor? And did that influence your decision at all to take the role?
Keith Powers: I think all the stars aligned, too, right? Because I think Numa told me that I was always in the pitch deck [for the film]. And I believed her. And she sent it to me. I was in that pitch deck, the first pitch that they made, I was always her choice. She just sees him in me. And then, Tommy, I met Tommy Oliver, one of our producers at James Lopez's party, and I was introduced to him through a lady [that] worked on PR for [The New Edition Story], and me and him connected a couple of times. And the third time I talked to him, he sent this role to me. And then I had already met Gabby. And I guess all the stars aligned.
And hearing Gabby say that was cool, you know? It's crazy how it also just shows, like us as people, our character, and even our brands of course, but our character really as actors to really help us in this world, I guess? I'm not saying I got the best character in the world, but I just think like she [saw] something in me from that [his relationship with Ryan Destiny], right? I think, as an actor, sometimes you always auditioning, even when you're not.
You know, just hearing her say that was cool, you know, it makes me feel like, I just got a big deal of responsibility when I'm in a relationship, or I'm with someone to just really set an example, you know. Because love is like I feel like what we all want. But you know, it's tough. It's hard (laughs). And I didn't have the best examples of love growing up. I've seen a lot of stuff, and I think it gave me a lot of trauma in it.
Then I started realizing and becoming self-aware and [learned] I'm not as romantic and as affectionate as I thought, but I think just seeing her recognize that [respect for that relationship] was really cool to me. I thought that was really dope and also put a lot of pressure on me. I mean, it was already pressure on me before because I was just like, "Oh, y'all sent me an offer, like I never got a offer. I gotta show up. This is crazy." It's flattering, though, I really appreciate that.
Courtesy of Netflix
xoNecole: Why is it so important to you that you are uplifting to Black women, both in your work and in the way you lead your life?
Keith Powers: I think growing up, naturally, my mom has always put Black women on a pedestal, like forever. She always would tell us when we were young, "I want to see y'all with Black women." But we didn't really understand, me and my little brother, we were just like, "Okay, Mom. Yeah..." You know, we dated outside our race, of course, but she always would instill that, right? And my mom would always go out her way to make sure that she would show love to Black women, especially dark-skinned Black women, and my mom is a light-skinned woman.
She would just always express her love for a Black woman's beauty, even when I was young, and it was just the default to me, and as I got older, and you know, dating Black women and my little sister getting older, and having talks with her, and hearing about what Black women go through, and then seeing it online... Of course, I know as people, you know, we're an oppressed group of people, but we're extraordinary.
I think now, knowing these Black women's stories and hearing what they go through, I'm like, "Damn, I gotta set an example." I don't think that us as people should look at celebrities, especially celebrity Black men as like what we do is like the staple [or] the standard. Just because you see this actor or this athlete not dating Black women, it [doesn't] mean that's all Black men, you know what I'm saying. We shouldn't generalize that.
But we should have examples of Black love. That's one thing I love about Gab (Union) and (Dwyane) Wade. They're Black love. Their love is just super unapologetic and loud in the most beautiful way. My parents weren't really like that. They would be sometimes, but not all the time, right? [The way] they love (Gabrielle and Dwyane) makes you feel uncomfortable in the best way, you're like, "Damn, that PDA, that's a lot." But that's beautiful, like I want that, you know what I'm saying? (Laughs) I haven't been the most romantic, but I do like to love on my woman. Seeing that is just really inspiring.
"That's one thing I love about Gab and Wade. They're Black love. Their love is just super unapologetic and loud in the most beautiful way. I haven't been the most romantic, but I do like to love on my woman. Seeing that is just really inspiring."
I just really think it's just important for us to just uplift our women. I mean, my mom is Black. My sister's Black, both my sisters, my family, I got so many Black women in my family. And when I do express my love for Black women, just seeing their reaction to it, and just seeing how they'll just send me messages, my aunties and stuff, and just telling me like how much that means to them, it really touched me. I'm just like, damn. When I am around people who might feel different [about Black women,] it really turns me off and makes me not even want to talk to them or even want to argue or debate (laughs).
But I think it is a big deal of [responsibility]. And some guys, I'm rambling now, but some guys might feel like, you know, "You could date outside your race," and I'm like, do whatever you want. I just feel like we should never disrespect our women, regardless, and we should uplift them.
xoNecole: That's beautiful. Gabrielle included, you've worked with quite a few industry titans in your career. Who has been the most influential to your process, and where do you see yourself in your career journey?
Keith Powers: I think Straight Outta Compton and New Edition were the two biggest influences. I mean, working on New Edition and working with, you know, my cast and everyone involved just really made me be like, "Damn, bruh, I really just want to keep being an actor and dive into these roles and these different stories and see it be on the screen." You know? Whether it's at home or big screen like, I just wanna watch it after we work on it and just see the end product and keep watching it whenever I'm bored. And hear other people talk about watching it.
And Straight Outta Compton on the big stage, I'll never forget that time. I had a small part in that, but like being at that premiere and stuff, I was like, "Man, this is crazy. This is the real deal." And then, being around all these legends, I'm from the West Coast, so being around all these rappers and stuff and producers, Dre, Ice Cube, and everybody, it was just inspiring. I remember just being on TV shows before that, they weren't Black TV shows. And I remember getting love from people and Black people showing me love.
I used to be on a show called Faking It, and I used to get a lot on MTV, a lot of love from people, but it wasn't a lot of like Black people showing me love. And I remember just feeling like something was missing. I was like, "Damn, I want my people to show me love." And then I got Straight Outta Compton, and then I got New Edition, and to see our people show love. I was like, "Damn, that's just the love." Especially when you Black, [that's the love] that you just can't explain. It just inspires you to want to do more, and that's what Straight Outta Compton and New Edition did for me.
xoNecole: That's so dope. I love a full circle moment.
Keith Powers: It's crazy. I remember watching the BET performance New Edition did that we did in the movie. I remember watching it in the front room with my family [as a kid]. I think I was in the fourth or fifth grade, and I just remember my dad just going crazy over it. (Laughs) So I always was a New Edition fan because of my parents. And [the fact that] we redo that whole thing in the film, it was just crazy to me.
When you said "full circle moment," that's what I thought of.
xoNecole: Have you had your "Mama, I made it" moment in your career yet, would you say?
Keith Powers: I don't know, I don't think I have. But I feel like other people will say, "Yes, you have. What? You trippin." (Laughs) I don't feel like I've had it just yet. I feel like The Perfect Find is one of those moments. It's definitely [one of] those moments like, "Okay, I'm here." And I'm still waiting for that one that's like, "I made it." But The Perfect Find, I'm very happy with [that moment]. It gives me that "I've arrived" moment.
I just feel like it's still something missing. But I try not to minimize these moments because these are great moments man, and I know there's a lot of actors out there that just would love to be in this position that [are] still, you know, trying to get in the game and stuff, so I don't take it for granted at all. And it's a lot of great actors who we don't even get to see on-screen. You know what I'm saying? I've been in so many different acting classes where [there are] some dope actors in those classes, and the industry is just a whole different game, so I don't take it for granted.
I would say, not quite yet, but almost. I just have big expectations for myself. And I just try to, what they say, 'Shoot for the stars, land on the moon.' (Laughs)
Courtesy of Netflix
xoNecole: I listened to a podcast [interview] of yours recently. And you're talking about the need to kind of protect yourself mentally from kind of internalizing others' expectations or feeling the pressure to feel 'challenged' as an actor. What inspired you to get more in touch with your mental and self-preservation in that way?
Keith Powers: I think in 2018, I went through a deep depression, and I didn't know what I was going through. So once I realized that I was going through something, I did a lot of research, and I realized that I was just putting a lot of pressure on myself. I was in a public relationship [with Ryan Destiny], and I just got off New Edition. And I felt like I had lost the movie because of my TV show. And I felt like I was racing against the clock, and it was fans kind of just asking me, what am I doing next? And I just [saw] people like talking smack, and you know, I was letting comments get to me, and I was letting this idea that I had to be successful by a certain time get to me. It was just crazy. I couldn't... I found out I was depressed because I went to therapy.
When I was depressed, I couldn't wake up in the morning, like I wanted to stay in bed, and I got really skinny. I didn't realize how skinny I had gotten 'till I went to the BET Awards, and I remember I took a picture with Ryan, and I remember seeing some comments and people like, "Yo, what's wrong with Keith?" I didn't realize, I was just like, "What are you talking about?" Like, what are they talking about? And then I looked at older pictures, and I was like, "Whoa," and I really stepped on the scale, and I was like, "Whoa, hold on," and that's when I was like, "Hold on, what's going on?" And then I did a bunch of research. I read books, went to therapy, and it made me realize, like, I was just like, "Yeah, nah, I can't go through that no more."
"In 2018, I went through a deep depression, and I didn't know what I was going through. I realized that I was just putting a lot of pressure on myself. I was in a public relationship, and I just got off New Edition. And I felt like I had lost the movie because of my TV show. And I felt like I was racing against the clock, and it was fans kind of just asking me, what am I doing next?"
I gotta have tunnel vision, right? I can't go through trying to play "keep up" with my peers. I get inspired sometimes, but then sometimes that inspiration turns into pressure on myself. I'm such [a fan] of my peers, you'll see them do something great, right? And now you put that pressure on yourself. "I gotta do something on that level..." And then now you'll never be content because you just chasing your whole career. I just told myself I can't do that, so I always just try to come back to being present.
Whether I got a journal, whether I gotta meditate, whether I gotta read or just do something or lean into the love. Lately, I've just really focused on leaning into the love around you, the people around you, the people who want to work with you, the people who believe in you, your family, lean into all those people, lean into your tribe, your community. So that's why I'm really into that now, because [that's] one of the biggest fears, just chasing your whole life. [And you] never actually get to live because you [were] just chasing.
So I'm really big on just making sure you remain present and take care of yourself mentally.
@keithpowers This little life of mine. • vol. 4
xoNecole: I love that. I always love how vocal you are about mental health and keeping your mental health in check. You mentioned leaning on your tribe, leaning on community, and it made me think about how much I love your recurring series of your TikTok, "This little life of mine" and the different volumes, and I was wondering, what's the recipe for a good life to Keith Powers?
Keith Powers: Man, I do a lot with my friends. We just go [to] so many places and have so much fun. I think just self-love, really leaning into self-love rather than doing stuff to impress people or feeling like you want them to like you or doing it for them, really do it for yourself. I mean, I think I'm still figuring it out, right? You know, I lost my uncle in 2021, and that was huge to me.
What I wish I could get back was just like hitting him up. You know what I'm saying, just really talking to him more, loving on him more. So now I just focus on that. It's like love on everything around you. My siblings, my parents, everything like the craft, acting, and just appreciating everything and also showing love, you know, giving love to other people. I'm really trying to work on that more, like really hitting them up and letting them know that I really appreciate what [work] they did, whether [it's] different actors or musicians, and expressing that love to them because I know when people do that for me, it touches me.
I had one of my homies call me. We not super cool, we peers. We've known each other, we both from Northern California. And I think I posted my trailer [on set] around that time, and he had hit me. He was like, "Keith, bro, what's up?" and I wasn't... (Laughs) I don't like talking on the phone, really, so I was like, "What up? What are you about to say?" And he was just like, "I just want to tell you now, really, I'm really happy for you, man, that's all. I ain't want nothing. I'm just happy for you. And I appreciate you, man, and I'm rooting for you." I just remember after getting off the phone, I was like, "Damn! That felt really good." (Laughs) I had to text him like, "Bro. Thank you."
It's the simple things, the simple expressions of love, I think is really the key and just appreciating, [having] gratitude. It's crazy, like, really, just appreciate where you're at. I know it sounds cliche, and there's a lot of people out there that go through a lot. But, I think really just being grateful, present, and just loving on your loved ones, that's all you can do, right? Everything else is out of your control for real, like this acting and stuff.
I could work as hard as I want to work as an actor and be in the films I think [are] the best films, but once the curtains close and I'm back home, what does that look like? You know what I'm saying? People watch [the project], and they go back to their regular lives. That can't just be everything for you.
I'm still figuring it out. I still go through my stuff (laughs).
xoNecole: It's a work in progress. Well, we're a work in practice. And what qualifies as a perfect find for you in love and relationships?
Keith Powers: I think just authenticity. I think just somebody being real. Somebody just loving everything about you without putting these... You know, lately, there's been a lot of like those conversations on podcasts about what a man needs to bring to the table, what a woman needs to bring to the table, gender roles, bills splitting and all this, all this stuff. I'm just like man, whatever works for y'all is the perfect find, bro. Like, love shouldn't look a certain way.
We get so caught up in what we think something should look like, we ain't never gonna enjoy people, man. We all got something. We all got pros and cons. There's not one person that got all [the boxes]. They don't check all the boxes. I know they say that a lot on Love Island. "She check all my boxes. She's 100% my type on paper." Yo! (Laughs)
You'll know when y'all really there. Everything is just clicking. The chemistry, the vibe. And then, you find stuff you don't like, and then you find a way to, like, express what you don't like, but if you know they can't change that, I think you also find a way to love it, right? Because you also understand you may have stuff that they don't like. So I just think the perfect find is just whatever works for y'all. And I love people like that, where it's like, "Now, this is what we do. Y'all do what y'all do, but this is what we do, and it's working for us." You know what I'm saying. I really respect relationships like that because, oh my God, you'll go crazy trying to go by this, whatever you think [love] should look like. I don't know how people do that.
I'll be telling people I ain't the handiest man, right? If you date me, I could fix something. It's gonna take me some time though, [but] I'm gonna do it for my woman, though. You give me the instructions, if it's something you gotta build from Ikea, I'm a figure this out. It ain't gonna be the best, but I'm gonna figure it out, right? (Laughs) But then, I'm a make up for it in other parts, right? You know what I'm saying like, and if she got stuff that I think she lack in, it's cool, like we gon' figure it out together. It's a team effort, you know what I'm saying, we both put in a hunnit. I just think that's what a relationship should be.
Those things aren't deal-breakers for me. Little stuff like that. Deal-breakers for me is personality stuff, like really about you. What is your character? How are you as a human? When you come around my family, do they want to be around you? How are you as a person? All the other stuff we could figure out together.
So I think the perfect find is whatever works for y'all.
The Perfect Find is streaming on Netflix.
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Featured image by Noam Galai/Getty Images for Netflix
'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Years ago, I interviewed a Jewish woman who was married to a Christian man about how they make the holiday season work in their household. As someone who personally doesn’t observe holidays, a particular thing that she said has always stayed with me: “I don’t observe Christmas, but I can support the spirit of the season.”
Yeah, that resolve is something that I can get down with — and since sex is something that I write about, quite often, on this platform, I must admit that I do look forward to sharing some holiday-themed tips and hacks. For instance, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, check out “Here's How You And Your Partner Can Engage In Some 'Gratitude Sex'” from a few years back.
Or, if Christmas is your favorite time of the year, “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?” may provide you with some holiday inspiration (speaking of Christmas, instead of rose petals, how about putting some poinsettia leaves on your bed? If you heard somewhere that they can be toxic, you’d have to eat like 500 of them for that to be the case, so no worries).
This year, along these same lines, I decided to share 12 creative things that you can do starting now through Christmastime. Each idea is festive, fun, and has its own aphrodisiac element to it that very well could turn this holiday season into some of the best sex that you’ve ever had. Ready?
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1. Snowstorm Sound Effects
Charge it to my mother being a New Yorker and/or me being born in Nebraska, but whenever I think of a romantic getaway, being in a log cabin that’s surrounded by nothing but pine trees and tons of snow is my idea of a really good time. Hmph, meanwhile, I’m writing this while Nashville is currently in the 60s-70s during the day. SMDH.
If you can currently feel my pain and you wish that you had a bit of snow around to get into the holiday season spirit, there are plenty of ASMR videos on YouTube that mimic snowstorms (like these here, here, and here) for you and your bae to cuddle up and listen or, umm, do other stuff to.
I mean, since science says that fall and winter are the best times for sex anyway (check out “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?”), why not do what you can to create as much of the ambiance as possible?
2. Paper Snowflakes (with Sexy Messages on Them)
Speaking of snow, when’s the last time that you’ve made some paper snowflakes? As a child, you may have created them for decoration. Now that you’re grown, though, put a bit of a twist to them by writing sexy messages on the back — you know, things like your favorite sex memory with your partner, a fantasy that you’d like to explore, or what you enjoy most about your man as far as intimacy goes.
You can put the snowflakes in your partner’s briefcase, underneath their pillow, or even hang them over your bed. If you’ve forgotten how to make them, no problem; click here for some instructions.
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3. Portable Fireplaces (or Flameless LED Candles)
Last year, I purchased something that I think is too cute for a friend of mine: tiny reusable bonfires. If you don’t happen to have a fireplace in your home, on some levels, they are the next best thing because they can create a romantic mood on a smaller level. I especially like tabletop firepits (like this one here) and even portable mid-century LED fireplaces (like this one here). Or, if you want something a bit larger, there are indoor tabletop fireplaces that are smokeless and odorless (like this one here).
Speaking of fires, if you and your partner plan on some R&B (meaning all night long) sex, I’d feel better if you went with some LED candles or something. You can put dozens of them all over your bedroom, have sex, fall asleep, and not have to worry about them one bit.
4. DIY Sex Gratitude Journal
How fitting is it that writer William Arthur Ward once said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it?" Since Thanksgiving is the holiday when all are encouraged to express thanks for what they are truly grateful for, purchase a fresh journal, decorate it, and then fill it with things about intimacy with your man that truly moves you.
Then, read some of the entries out loud to him. Learning how to incorporate all five senses (in this case, hearing) into sexual activity (check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever”) is how to make the experiences better than they’ve ever been.
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5. Homemade Candied Pecans
Pecan pie is pretty popular around this time of year. Well, did you know that pecans are considered to be aphrodisiacs? The main reason is that they are a fairly good source of zinc and zinc increases blood circulation, boosts your libido, and can even help with erectile dysfunction (if that’s something that your partner happens to deal with). So, why not curl up and snack on some homemade candied pecans (easy recipe here) while watching a movie or listening to some holiday music together? You never know how delicious the night may turn out to be because of it. Literally.
6. Cranberry (or Gingerbread) Syrup
A few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious.” In it, I shouted out chocolate syrup; however, today, I’m gonna go with something that is a little less…predictable. Chile, we already know that cranberry sauce is gonna be sitting on somebody’s Thanksgiving table, and there’s a pretty good chance that a gingerbread house (or at least some gingersnaps) is going to be available over Christmas, so why not pick up some cranberry or gingerbread syrup?
Since cranberries and ginger are both considered to be aphrodisiacs, it can be a super sexy move to dab a bit of syrup on some of your favorite sex pressure points (and his).
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7. A Lil' “Sex Christmas Tree”
Whether you plan on putting a (real, right?) Christmas tree in your living room or not, again, in the spirit of the holiday, get a small artificial one for a nightstand or the top of your dresser in your bedroom. Then you can hang a few sex-related items like flavored condoms, Santa hat nipple pasties, sex position ornaments, edible penis wraps, and picture strips — and whatever else your freaky lil’ mind can think of!
8. Edible Bows
Red velvet lingerie is definitely a nice touch during the holiday season. And although whether men prefer lingerie or nudity is really up to which guy you ask, I can’t think of one who is gonna have a problem with you wrapping your birthday suit up in a bow — especially if it’s an edible one. Yep, I actually came across a YouTube video (here) that walks you through how to make one of those. And although it’s not something that you can do in 10 minutes or less, I do think the end result will make it far worth the time investment. Don’t you?
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9. Pumpkin-Flavored Whipped Cream
Another sex condiment that I shared in the article that I referred to earlier is whipped cream. Since pumpkins are currently in season, acknowledge them by bringing some pumpkin-flavored whipped cream into the mix. You can always purchase the kind that’s already made (like this brand here), or you can even make a batch of your own (via a recipe like this here). That way, you can customize how sweet and thick you want the cream to be in order to stand up to your…plans. #wink
10. Bourbon Eggnog
Eggnog is definitely a signature holiday drink, and a few years back, I shouted it out in the article “12 Traditional Christmas Items That Are Low-Key Aphrodisiacs Too.” Why? Well, the vanilla, honey, and nutmeg that’s in it are all considered to be aphrodisiacs. If you add a bit of bourbon (which is a type of whiskey) to it, that can help to calm your nerves, which can ultimately make climaxing so much easier to do. A recipe for homemade bourbon eggnog is right here.
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11. Peppermint Chocolate Bath Bombs
Peppermint and chocolate will also be in abundance around the holidays, and, as life would have it, they are considered to be aphrodisiacs,too. So, whether you plan on soaking in the bath to prepare for what the night has to offer or you and your boo thang are going to hang out in the tub together (even better!), why not throw a few DIY peppermint chocolate bath bombs (recipe here) in there? The scent alone will make you want to turn each other into your desserts after you get up outta there.
12. Sexy Homemade Holiday Lip Balm
Even though I am well aware of the fact that some people hate to kiss (check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”), I also know that science says that kissing can help you find your ideal partner, and it can definitely make your sexual experiences better (check out “Wanna Climax More? KISS MORE.”). And although things like shea butter and batana oil (a personal favorite of mine) can give you some super smooth lips (after exfoliating them, of course), kissing will be even more scrumptious if you’ve got some flavored lip balm on.
A peppermint lip balm recipe is here (add a bit of Stevia, honey, or date sugar for flavoring), a chocolate lip balm recipe is here, and a vanilla lip balm recipe is here. Your man won’t be able to get enough of you — all holiday season long! ‘Tis the season, chile.
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