Some of the best life experiences happen when you let go of fear and embrace spontaneous change.
Planning gives way to simply living, and questioning is quieted by a go-with-the-flow mentality. For Lauren Miller, founder of the lifestyle brand Can't Stay Put, the most memorable moments occur when she's hitting the road.
“I have this fearlessness and I am an extroverted person and I know how to connect with people very well, and the connections lead to these awesome experiences that you cant really plan—that aren't commercial," says Lauren.
And she's not lying. Her jaunts have led her to the hoods of Brazil, tobacco farms of Cuba, hot springs in the deserts of Chile, and to classrooms of South Africa—and those are just the moments she chooses to share.
But Lauren's journey starts not with her worldwide excursions, it starts three years ago on the top floor of her California apartment, where after 12-hour days working as the Event and Marketing Manager of a fine-dining restaurant she would come home and record videos voicing her frustration with working in an industry that she had no interest in. Sure, she made good money. But what good are dollars when the lifestyle that you're living doesn't make sense? Lauren got tired of asking that question, and even more fatigued with faking that this was a life that she desired.
“I knew I wasn't living or walking in my purpose," says Lauren. “I wasn't doing what God put me on earth to do, and I was just at a point where I was very frustrated just trying to figure it out."
On her 25th birthday, Lauren took a trip to Maui and prayed that God would reveal her purpose, promising that she would run 100mph even if it came at the expense of her own comfort. The answer didn't come that day, but when she returned to the states she put in her notice at work anyway—no plan, no direction, but also nothing to hold her back.
In celebration of her transition from the job that was no longer fulfilling, she returned to the place that inspired her leap of faith. This time, she got the answer that she was looking for just three months prior in the bamboo forests of Maui.
Maui, Hawaii
“God was like, 'you need to figure out how to do this. You need to figure out how to inspire people through your experiences'," says Lauren.
“This" turned out to be the thing that Lauren had been doing all of her life, but failed to realize that her purpose was rooted in her passion. Since the age of five, she had been jetsetting across the world. There were the monthly trips back and forth between Atlanta, where she lived with her father, and D.C. to visit her mother, who at the time was appointed to a position under the Bill Clinton administration. There was the fact that she bought her first Delta SkyMiles ticket at the age of 11, and that she had a passport before she could even fully comprehend what having access to the world and to different cultures truly meant.
But like many, Lauren didn't imagine that something that was her norm would one day become the platform to help others embrace their true selves. At Howard University, she studied Biology and minored in Chemistry, believing that being a doctor was what she was supposed to do simply because she was good at it. But by senior year, she could no longer ignore her instinct. “You have to really have a heart to want to become a doctor. It's not a profession that you do because you want to make a lot of money."
Iceland
After graduating, she took a year off and moved to Nebraska—following a boy, of course—before attending a master's program in business at Wake Forest University, and then moved to California to work at a family-owned restaurant. Even then, the travel bug didn't die. “I would always incorporate [travel] into my life because it was just my life. And the year I turned 25 is when I got that itch; 'Yo you've got to figure this out!' Because I was yearning for more purpose."
After quitting her job she broke her lease, moved her items into a friend's basement, and promised to cook and clean during the times she was in town in exchange for a place to sleep. She had the passion, but no plan. Later that same week she ran into a life coach, but with no money in her pocket, the only thing she had to offer was her commitment. “He said a lot of people say they want to change their life, but they don't want to put in the effort and the work and I would much rather you not waste my time than pay me," says Lauren. “I was like well I don't have no choice. I quit; I'm out here."
"A lot of people say they want to change their life, but they don't want to put in the effort and the work."
It was one thing to confess her dreams, but to put action behind it would take a greater level of sacrifice. After coming up with the name Can't Stay Put, Lauren had her first big hurdle—funding her launch trip to Southeast Asia. “I changed my screensaver on my computer and my phone, everything and I was just engulfed in it and I put together a proposal and sent it out to people trying to raise money or trying to get some type of intelle on how to really make this work."
She was hit with countless no's from friends and family who questioned her decision to abruptly quit her job before receiving a $2,500 yes from a former client who saw her vision just as much as her diligence. “It was one of the best days of my life because at that point I had never really worked on something that I didn't know was going to work," says Lauren. “I think for a lot of young people, there's no guarantee. We all want to be a boss and growing up, you hear about whatever you put your mind to you can do, but you don't really test that."
She also had the commitment of a former colleague and high school friend, who passed up three job offers in order to travel as Lauren's photographer. Seven thousand dollars later, Lauren took her first Can't Stay Put trip through Thailand, Hong Kong, South Korea, and Cambodia, and hasn't stayed put since.
Lauren will be the first to tell you that that answers aren't always in the plan, but in the process, and that too much planning can impede action. Since launching Can't Stay Put she's discovered that the brand isn't solely about travel, but about encouraging others to create the life that they want to live against all odds. As a self-proclaimed inspirational explorer, travel is just the umbrella under which she spreads her gospel.
“When I first started this money wasn't on my mind. It was like I know I can help people, and that's been the overarching theme: How can I use this to help people? How can I speak life into other people's dreams and make them feel just as fulfilled as I did just to get out here and do some shit?"
"How can I speak life into other people's dreams and make them feel just as fulfilled as I did just to get out there and do some shit?"
Of course money did come and so did new opportunities. Brand partnerships, life coaching sessions, speaking engagements—Lauren has become a voice for those wishing to live fully, but afraid to leave comfort behind. “For a lot of people our age, we don't really understand what sacrifice is; we don't really understand what real work is. When you give something up it's going to be uncomfortable, and you have to be okay with that and know that you're doing it for a reason. I knew that if I didn't want to have a regular life I was going to have to do some irregular shit."
By no means is Lauren sugarcoating the journey. It's a lonely road to being an entrepreneur, and even more isolating when you're always on a plane heading to the next destination. Seeking solace with fellow travel entrepreneurs like long-time friend Zim Ugochukwu of Travel Noire, helps to remind her to embrace every part of the journey.
Great Sand Dunes, Colorado
“Before I set out I knew there were going to be times where it was going to be hard as hell. God is not picking on you. This down time is not specific to you, that's just a part of it. All of the things that you want God is going to give it to you, but you need to prove that you deserve it and that you're worthy of it. If you don't let it deter you or break you, you're really worthy of these amazing things that you said that you want."
It also helps to know that her sacrifice—moving from couch to couch and sometimes not knowing if she'll get more than one meal a day—is touching the lives of those who she inspires. “I'll get an email from somebody saying how I've changed their life, and I'll end up crying like thank you, you don't understand that you were sent. You think that you were just telling me how grateful you are but you were sent because I needed to read this at this very moment because I was just in a bad space."
“I have pity parties," she admits. “But you may have one or two drinks at the party and then you have to go. You can't stay. You can't stay at the party."
To live a Can't Stay Put lifestyle isn't easy, but it's worth it. With each destination—each new adventure—the traveler is planting the seeds of success in the minds of those who desire to make the impossible possible, and that's an experience that can't be captured on camera.
For more on Lauren, follow her on Instagram.
RELATED
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Feature image courtesy
Now, the interesting thing about quiet quitting is, while some employees do it because they are lazy (I mean, let’s be real), there are other things that can lead to this approach/tactic, too. They may not put in extra effort because their employer’s expectations aren’t clear (or they are ever-changing; bookmark that, please); they feel like they are doing most of the work without very little reward or even appreciation; they might see the job as having no opportunity for real growth, and/or, it could be that, if they feel as if their employee is basically “running everything,” they may do as little as possible as a bit of a power play — as a way to earn some self-respect until/unless they decide to move on.
On some levels, y’all, quiet quitters are quite the strategists. Kind of in a passive-aggressive type of way.
You know, when I first told someone that I was going to be comparing quiet quitting in the workplace to a man who quiet quits in a relationship, they thought that I was going to be coming from the angle of a guy who low-key ghosts his partner. NOPE. Today, we’re gonna tackle what happens when a man feels a lot like these undervalued employees out here, and so he takes a simple, quiet quitting approach.
That way, you will know what to do if you happen to notice some low-key quiet quitting happening in your own relationship — or, umm, situation.
First, Why Would a Person “Quiet Quit” in a Relationship to Begin With?
GiphyI can just about guess what some of you are already wondering: if a guy is going to go through all of the trouble of doing what a quiet quitter does, why doesn’t he simply end the relationship? Well, sometimes, it’s not that simple. Think about jobs. Even though it’s been reported that over 60 percent of people say that they are emotionally detached at work, while 19 percent go as far as to say that they are completely miserable at their office, what they don’t do is quit. Why? Because jobs provide money for their services, money pays bills, and bills are something that all grown people have to deal with.
In other words, no matter how unhappy some individuals may be, they will find a way to make it work because there is still some sort of “payoff” going on. Sometimes, a relationship is no different.
And, if you pause and ponder long enough, I bet that you can either recall a relationship you’ve been in or you know of someone who’s in a relationship where they are emotionally detached (or sexually unfulfilled or mentally bored or…or…or) and yet they remain because 1) there’s a lot of history between them and their partner; and/or 2) they love their partner yet they’re not sure if they’re “in love” anymore, and/or 3) they are telling themselves, year after year, that what they are going through is seasonal and eventually things will change for the better.
And so, in the meantime, what do they do? THEY QUIET QUIT because, even though they aren’t exactly thrilled with the current state of their relationship right now, they are still getting something (or things) that they need out of it — yes, there is still a payoff.
Now remember, when it comes to professional quiet quitting, it oftentimes happens when folks feel like they are doing most of the work, and/or they don’t feel appreciated and/or they feel disrespected, and/or they feel like their partner is trying to run things all of the time. Lawd…LAWD.
Now, when a guy feels this way in his relationship, how might quiet quitting manifest itself?
6 Ways a Man May Quiet Quit in His Relationship
Giphy1. The two of you spend less time together. Say that you really like someone, yet it seems like every time you’re around them, some sort of argument goes down, or you don’t feel like you can fully be yourself. The good times are good enough that you don’t want to end things, however, at the same time, the bad times are annoying enough that you can’t be around them constantly. So, what do you do? You spend less time in their presence. In a dating dynamic, dates are fewer, conversations are shorter, and less and less future plans are made. This is one way a person who is quiet quitting a relationship may choose to handle things.
2. He’s not as readily accessible as he used to be. My male circle? I’m hella proud of them. One reason is that they all are pretty successful in their prospective fields; so much, in fact, that one of them just told me while we were on a lunch date a few days ago that he almost always answers my calls as opposed to so many people who get pushed straight to voicemail: “You rarely want anything. You just want to know how I am, so I enjoy talking to you.”
That said, I have some clients who nitpick and nag their spouses incessantly. Then they complain about them not immediately answering their calls or replying to their texts. The reason is obvious: who wants to choose to be berated 24/7? Yeah, if your partner used to be readily accessible and that seems to be shifting for some reason, before complaining about it, ask yourself why that might be the case — what you may be doing that has resulted in that type of reaction (or lack of reaction).
3. He’s far more REACTIVE than PROACTIVE. People do what they wanna do. That is so true. And although some folks need to accept that it’s no one’s job to be at their beck and call (entitlement ruins so many relationships), when someone is truly into another person, a clear indication of that is they tend to be far more proactive (doing things without being asked or prompted) than reactive (doing things because they were asked or prompted to do it). When it comes to what’s transpiring in your relationship right now…which is it?
4. The intimacy is lagging. Whenever a physically capable married person tries to tell me that sex isn’t a big deal in their relationship, all I see is one huge human red flag. At least when it comes to the traditional type of marriage, one of the main things that makes it different from any other type of relationship IS that there is a committed-to-one-partner type of physical intimacy between two people. So, if a husband and wife are each other’s only sexual “outlet” — hell yeah, sex needs to be prioritized.
That said, when sex isn’t (as) present in a long-term dynamic, 8 times outta 10, without question, it’s revealing issues within the relationship — and oftentimes, no matter how attractive a person is or even how good the sex may have been with them in the past, when a person doesn’t feel seen or esteemed, they can/will start losing interest. This can also happen when they feel disrespected by their partner, and so they start to put up walls — including in the bedroom.
5. When you bring up the future, he deflects. Relationships are designed to move forward. If they remain stagnant, more times than not, they will eventually come to an end. And so, if it seems like your relationship is currently in a rut or you can’t remember the last time that any real future plans were discussed and/or made, this also could be an indication that your man is a quiet quitter.
The relationship may be cool enough to not end it (for now) — at the same time, though, he may be kinda sorta keeping his eyes open for other “opportunities”…if you know what I mean. And that’s why he doesn’t want to commit to anything more than what he is already in.
6. At the end of the day, he basically does what he “has” to do. The bare minimum. Who wants to be in a relationship where that is transpiring, and yet a lot of people are right there? And why would someone take a bare minimum approach? They might prefer to dodge confrontation. They might not be sure how to please their partner (because their partner keeps changing their mind about what their wants and needs are). They might be running on fumes. They might no longer feel enthusiasm in the dynamic.
To them, there might not be enough of a reason to feel inspired or motivated to do more — and so, they do just enough to keep the relationship going and not much more than that.
How to Address a Relational Quiet Quitter
GiphyThe interesting thing about all six of those potential quiet quitting scenarios is many folks are right in them, and yet, they think that the way to handle the matter is to gripe, criticize, and/or toss out ultimatums left and right when really, there are far more effective ways to get things back on track.
Figure out what you really want. Remember how I already said that some employees quiet quit because their employers either don’t have clear expectations or they are constantly changing them? Geeze, who wouldn’t be frustrated in that type of environment? In fact, I was recently talking to a client who said that they have been on their job for well over two decades with no official title. SMDH. Talk about corporate gaslighting.
Anyway, if your guy isn’t giving you what you want, it might be because you’re putting more pressure on him to read your mind or figure out what those things are when really…you need to find clarity within yourself and then articulate your expectations — not as demands either. Grandma used to say that you can always catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Same thing goes for getting your needs met. If you feel like some low-key quiet quitting is going on, ask yourself what you want and then make your requests clearly known. Clarity fixes a lot of relationship issues. Trust me.
Address the issue head-on. I don’t know why people think that hinting around is effective — especially with men. Chile, I can’t tell you how many times a woman has said to me that her man has asked if she’s okay, she has responded with an abrupt “I’m fine,” and then she thought he was being “insensitive” by then dropping the subject and going on about his business. If things aren’t fine, it’s up TO YOU to say it, not up to him to ask you 20 questions before you finally state what is really going on. SMDH.
That said, now that you know how quiet quitting can play out in relationships, if you sense that it is happening between you and your guy, bring it up. Not in an accusatory way but in an “I’ve noticed lately that this and this have [or haven’t] been happening. Am I right? Is there something that you want to talk about?” Even guys who don’t like confrontation tend to open up more when they feel like their partner genuinely cares about what they think and how they feel.
Come to an agreement on how both needs can be met. If someone leaves a job, it’s oftentimes because their needs aren’t being met, they found an opportunity that will help them to grow better/faster, or they have been offered more elsewhere. On the other hand, when someone is released from a position, they weren’t meeting their employer’s expectations, they aren’t sticking to the arrangements that were made at the time that they were hired for the position, they “false advertised” when they took the job (meaning, they said that they could fulfill the requirements and then reneged in some way) and/or they are so out-of-pocket with their actions, that their employer simply can’t rationalize keeping them around any longer.
In other words, an employer/employee situation has to be a give-and-take — relationships are no different. So, if after talking to your partner about what is going on, the next step is not for both of you to go back and forth about whose needs or expectations aren’t being met more — no, the next step is to see if you both care about and value one another enough to “meet in the middle,” so that both people feel valued and appreciated.
Mutually agree to be patient with the adjustments that need to be made. When someone is a quiet quitter, it also usually means that trust has been fractionated on some level. And so, if you both decide to try and make things, not just “work” but work for the better, you need to extend a grace period between the two of you. It takes time to break old habits, execute new approaches, and see things (more) from your partner’s perspective. Care enough about each other to be patient with one another.
___
A lot of relationships have quiet quitters in them (both directions). A lot of relationships can also be saved if people realized that quiet quitting is the root problem. If you see your situation in all of this, hopefully, you can now approach it in a way that will breathe new life into your dynamic.
After all, life is too short to be out here quiet quitting. Make it work, or move on.
(If you see some real good, try to make it work first, though. We are too grown to be “quick quitting” too.)
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by izusek/Getty Images