Women have been programmed for generations to look, act, speak, heal and not heal a certain way. Sadly, most of this has been passed down from the women in our families growing up. Our mothers, grandmothers, and aunts sometimes projected traditional beliefs or acted in ways we didn't always agree with. Continuing to love them, but consciously knowing the pain behind their lessons and actions.
I grew up in a household where both my mother and father worked. My father was bringing in most of the money and covering the bills from his mechanic business. My mother was working for minimum wage and providing her children with what they needed. As their marriage began to strain, so did the finances. My father (the breadwinner) eventually left home and started a new life. At the same time, my mother held the financial responsibility. As the bills began to pile, so did her stress. Food was now minimal, and cable was a privilege. One day, it all became too much. My mother grabbed me in frustration and said, "Don't you ever rely on a man!"
The pain in her eyes still haunts me to this day.
As an adult, I have struggled with financial roles in relationships. I find myself cringing when a man wants to pay for date night, cover living expenses, or even buy me a cup of coffee. The idea of a partner providing financial security is frightening. I know this fear comes from my childhood experience. I carry the narrative of being a strong independent woman because of the pain my mother endured. I'm learning through therapy that it's OK to be a strong independent woman and be cared for by your partner. A common factor many women of color struggle with today.
I believe I am the woman I am today because of my mom. I have inherited so much (both good and bad) from watching her as a little girl. As I learned this about myself, I began to wonder if other women felt the same way. Here are a few women on their experience with generational curses.
Khristina Williams
Courtesy of Khristina Williams
"As a little girl watching other women in my life, my experience was seeing women who constantly put others before themselves. The women I saw growing up were independent and strong. My mother always sacrificed so that my siblings and I could have a better life. My mother constantly worked, so we spent most of our time with my grandmothers and sitters. I have some strong women in my family, but the man was the head of the household.
"My great-grandmother, Ernestine, was a nurturer. Growing up, I observed her taking care of my great-grandfather, a former WWII vet. They stayed in separate rooms due to him being ill. Her entire day revolved around taking care of her husband until his demise. All of the women in my family leaned on one another in good and bad times.
"In terms of gender roles, the women in my family defied those expectations."
"The women (my mom's generation) were able to pursue careers. However, my grandmothers and great-grandmothers were housewives. So, it's interesting to see the changes through generations. Gender expression and gender roles are societal constructs. I was never raised to feel I couldn't do something because of my gender. My family has always encouraged me to be the best version of myself and do what I want to do."
For more of Khristina, follow her on Instagram.
Anisa Benitez
Courtesy of Anisa Benitez
"I don't believe in 'curses', but there are infidelity patterns and scarcity in my family. I grew up around others who felt and expressed a lack of prosperity, time, money, and love in their lives. Meanwhile, they weren't expressing appreciation for the abundance in their present moment; for example, gratitude for good health, the love of friends, and the money to always make ends meet somehow.
"In regards to breaking a scarcity mindset, I've learned that the present moment is abundant. Our clinging to the past or fixation on the future is the root of most suffering. When we can enjoy where we are and all we have, the more good opportunities we see in the present."
"Loving myself has been healing. I practice living mindfully and mind my thoughts most of all. 'What is the story I am telling myself?' is a common question I ask myself. I go to therapy, meditate, take care of my body, eat well, sleep, practice creative wellness, make time to laugh, enjoy this life, and take holistic care of my health. I make more love-based decisions than fear-based. It's a better time to be ourselves openly. It means more room to self-express, heal, liberate yourself and others."
"Women in my family are compelling and nurturing. However, taking on caregiving roles left them with little bandwidth to care for themselves. They didn't know how to enjoy their alone time. We need to normalize breakthroughs. It would be great to see enough women of color liberated, successful, and being themselves. This way of living shouldn't be considered a 'breakthrough'."
For more of Anisa, follow her on Instagram.
Britney Turner
Courtesy of Britney Turner
"When it came to my mom, I observed something that I would rarely see on TV shows and movies at that time--a woman who was knowledgeable in finances and accounting. You always heard that men handled the finances and were the breadwinners, and women just didn't ask questions. Seeing her crunch numbers and budget gave me a different outlook on financial literacy and its accessibility to women. Not only did I learn about financial literacy from her, but I also observed the way she carried herself.
"In the media, women are often sexualized and exploited for their bodies - but I'm thankful that my mother and grandmothers rooted us in the church and taught us the importance of respecting yourself and demanding respect as a woman. Watching their mannerisms and how they were vocal about their needs helped set the tone of how I would present myself in the workplace, friendships, and relationships.
"As a little girl, watching the women in my life was a great experience. I took away so many different perspectives from each of them about being a woman, and more importantly, being a black woman."
"We still have so much work to do, but seeing the women I admire live life unapologetically and speak their minds is such a liberating feeling. Seeing women of color embrace their skin, natural hair, and features without shrinking themselves has made me want to cry. I think back to being in elementary school and feeling like straight hair was more 'appropriate' or more 'professional'. I remember being scared to embody what it means to be a black woman fully. Generational curses sometimes come from the stigma and stereotypes that society has placed on us as well."
For more of Britney, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image courtesy of Britney Nicole
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak