One of my favorite things about being a relationships writer is that I meet all types of people with all kinds of different perspectives; sometimes ones who totally challenge the status quo. Take the assumption about marriage, for instance (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?"). What I mean specifically is the fact that a lot of people seem to believe that most women want to be married.
Hmm. First, did you know that the divorce rate is currently on the decline because less people are strolling down the aisle — and a good amount of those people are indeed women? Second, contrary to what some of these male relationship coaches are saying out here, the reason why many ladies aren't exactly thrilled about marriage isn't as black and white as they like to presume and promote. There are indeed many reasons why some women have cold feet at the mere thought of taking a stroll towards forever.
They deserve to speak for themselves. So, I asked 15 of them (middle names were used) to do just that. One, so that we'll stop seeing views on marriage as one-dimensional, and two, because if you're a woman who is basically terrified of marriage yourself…you won't feel so alone. Because you absolutely aren't.
Why Am I Scared Of Marriage? 15 Women Sound Off
Jocelyn. 37. Haven't Been in a Relationship in Three Years.
"I come from a long line of people who didn't know what the hell they were doing when it came to marriage. While oddly, there is very little divorce on either side of my family, a lot of folks are together and totally miserable. It's like they would rather have the bragging rights of staying together than being happy."
"I think that's what scares me the most — getting with someone and staying, even if I don't like it. Is it really something to be proud of to stay until death if you're miserable?"
Hadassah. 29. Been Exclusive for 10 Months.
"My boyfriend wants to get married. He wants to marry me, more specifically. He said he knew it about three months ago. I'm the one who's been dragging my feet because people change. It's not fair to expect him not to but I want to be with the person I know now. If he switches up on me, I can't guarantee that I'll stick it out. I like consistency and hate surprises too much to sign up for that. I haven't told him any of this. Should I?"
Alexe. 40. Divorced for Five Years.
"Shellie, I know. I can't tell you how many times you saying that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women rings in my head; especially since I was one of them. No, it wasn't because my husband abused me or cheated on me. He's still a good guy. I just like love with space in it. I don't want to share my house. I don't want to sleep on only one side of my bed. I don't want to deal with someone else when I don't feel like it. I'm selfish and I own that. I think it's more selfish to get married when you know you don't want to be what marriage requires. I talked myself into doing it the first time. How stupid of me would I be to do that all over again? No ma'am."
Kiran. 33. Been Casually Dating for Three Years.
"I'll watch a movie if I want to be moved by marriage. I dunno. It's just so serious…and predictable…and needy. Whenever this topic comes up with people, they assume I come from a broken or single-parent home or something. My parents have been together for almost 40 years and they love each other to death. I've just always been a free bird. Like I respect their relationship. I even like watching them. But do I want it? No thanks. I like getting to know different guys, learning from different people and not having any pressure or expectations on me. Marriage nixes all of that and the thought of intentionally signing up for that kind of lifestyle is worse than any horror flick I've seen before."
Alyssa. 42. In a Sexually Exclusive Situation.
"It might sound strange, but I have no problem with sexual monogamy. It's emotional monogamy that I struggle with. I want the option to be able to reach back out to an ex, flirt with someone on Instagram or go out on a date with a man I just met."
"A lot of times, when people talk about being scared to get married, the focus is on never having sex with someone new. There's too much going on out here for me to want to care about that. I just want the option to have new experiences with new men. Marriage prevents that from happening and yeah, that's pretty scary."
Rachele. 48. Divorced for 10 Years.
"Taking care of a man. That's what I did for seven years when I was married. I'm not talking about money. He made that. I mean, cleaning the bathroom. Cooking meals. Running errands all of the time. It wasn't that he expected me to do those things. I was raised that being a wife comes with taking care of a man. Once I no longer had to do that anymore, I can't imagine going back to that. Submission isn't a bad thing. You've just gotta really want to do it. I don't. I doubt I ever will."
Maya. 25. Interested in a Relationship — Not Marriage.
"I'm not sure how much of the minority I am but I think marriage should be for couples who want to have kids so that their children are in a structured environment — the kind that comes with some serious consequences if you just decide to up and walk out one day. Since I am fine being the 'play auntie' to all of my friends' kids, I want to be with someone who feels the same way about being an uncle and we just take it one day at a time.
"Signing on a dotted line feels like a contract that comes with some loopholes that I'm not interested in. Let's just love each other and leave it at that."
Imani. 34. Recently Ended a Two-Year Relationship.
"I just got out of a relationship with a mama's boy. Don't ever do that s — t. He's a good man. He also needs to cut those apron strings because when it comes to his money and his time, he thinks that his mother should get first dibs. Who wants to get married and be the second priority to a woman who has her own husband? I'm afraid that I'll get married and realize that I married a man's family more than him. Been there, done that. Hated it."
Natalie. 44. Been Exclusive for Six Years.
"I'm about to lose the love of my life, if I'm gonna be real about it. [Name withheld] has asked me to marry him twice now. I didn't say 'no'. I said that I would accept his ring if we could stay engaged indefinitely. What I'm scared of is marriage automatically changing our relationship like it has for so many of my friends. It's like, when they were dating, it was all good. Traveling. Lots of sex. Fun. Then they got married and it's watching movies at home, sex on the weekends and fighting all of the time. Why would any sane person choose to be miserable? I'm not saying it's marriage's fault. I'm just saying that a lot of people don't make marriage appear all that attractive to me."
Helen. 31. Divorced for Almost a Year.
"I cheated on my husband…with an ex. He was willing to stick it out, but I was so conflicted that I ended it. To this day, I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not but I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't get married if you're in love with two people. The crazy thing is, I don't want to be with my ex either because how can you trust someone who will help you cheat? I might not be the right person for this question because my divorce is still pretty fresh. What I will say is if you're not totally loving with your whole heart, you shouldn't get married. I've never just loved one person at a time. There's always been some 'residue' from someone else. I've just now accepted that as my reality. So, the thought of getting married again… 'terrified' is the right word."
Kendele. 28. In a Very New Relationship (Less than Three Months).
"Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is spiritual. Marriage is awesome. I'm just not sure if it's for me. It's like there's this assumption that all women want to be married and if they don't, they've got some sort of 'issue'."
"I'm not so much 'terrified' about the idea of marriage as I am reflective on if it serves a real purpose in my life. Can't you respect the institution without wanting to participate in it? I think so."
Lanelle. 39. Been Exclusive for Two Years.
"I'm afraid that my man's sex drive is gonna be too low. It damn near already is. Since college, I can easily have sex every day and in my 30s, that hasn't changed. So, if I sign up to only have sex with him for the rest of my life, that's already freaking me the f — k out. But then he's gonna not be in the mood when I want it? It might sound shallow, but I'll leave a man for that and never look back. Why take the risk? Why not just stay single?"
Perri. 27. Never Been in a Serious Relationship Before.
"How do you say at 25 that you'll stay with someone until you die when you don't know who you'll be at 40? What kind of arrangement is that?"
"The married people in my life tell me that I only feel this way because I've never been in a long-term relationship. Maybe. But predicting the future when you don't know what the future holds sounds pretty crazy in my book."
Brecala. 40. Recently Engaged.
"Yep. I'm engaged and yes, I am terrified of getting married. I think it's because I watch too many Lifetime movies because although my fiancé is the best man I've ever met, a part of me wonders how long you should really know someone before pledging to spend the rest of your life with them. Pray for us, y'all!"
Danyele. 36. Been Exclusive for Five Years.
"Losing my man. Losing him is what terrifies me. I'm not talking about to another woman or even getting a divorce. I'm talking about death. I love my man so much that I think I've been holding off on the marriage thing because that means I'm all in and if he beat me to the punch [died first], I have no idea how I would take that. For me, staying dating is kind of like a wall to protect myself. I know some widows and losing their husbands close to destroyed them. Death is inevitable but I'm still not sure I want to take that risk."
Like I said, marriage — and the hesitations about marriage — are vast. Hopefully, this confirmed that, gave you some things to think about and maybe will even give you the "push" to share some of your own insights in the comments. Marriage is beautiful. It's also OK to have some real concerns or not want to do it. It really is.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 8 Signs To Call Off An Engagement - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Men On How They Feel About Marriage Pressured - xoNecole ... ›
- Sherri Shepherd Admits To Settling In Her Marriage: "I Was In My ... ›
- Getting Over The Fear Of Losing Myself In Marriage - xoNecole ... ›
- Russell Wilson Ciara On Fears Marriage - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- Feeling Alone In Marriage, What To Do - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
RELATED
What do I personally think about cuffing season? I think it’s more than a notion and you should proceed with caution. As far as the subset of it that is known as winter coating, though — well, as you’re about to see, if you’re going to try to take it on, you absolutely need to know what you are getting yourself into because if you lie to yourself, it may not exactly give you the results that you were looking for.
Read on to see what I mean by that…
What Is the Science Behind Cuffing Season?
GiphyOkay, so first let’s get into if cuffing season is a “real thing” or not. Well, from what I’ve read and researched, apparently, someone should send an artist by the name of Musa Murchison a Cash App because, although she isn’t the originator of the phrase, she does seem to be the one who made it popular by shouting it out back in 2008 on her campus radio show. And yes, beyond the term being something that comes up on social media, like clockwork, right around this time every year, there does seem to be some real science behind it all — even if you want to chalk what I’m about to say up to being nothing more than mere coincidence.
What do I mean specifically? Well, being that cuffing season is (generally) all about finding someone to boo/bae up with before the weather drops below freezing, only to potentially break up with said-person once the temperatures start to rise again — did you know that dating apps tend to pick up on traffic between October and December (although the most popular dating app day is Dating Sunday which is in January)?
Did you also know that dating, in general, tends to happen the most between November and February? And, if you do decide to take what I just said seriously, it also shouldn’t surprise you that most children (in the US) are conceived during the fall and winter seasons as well. So yeah, at the very least, it does seem like people want to get “closer than close” the colder it gets outdoors.
And exactly why is that? Chile, you can read an article that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?” to put two and two together on that tip.
Cooler (and even rainier) weather. Pumpkins (which are a bona fide aphrodisiac; especially for men) being in abundance. Being indoors more often. The romance of the holiday season. Shifts in our DNA making us hornier (not to mention the fact that men find women more attractive during the colder months — no joke). All of these things literally help to create the perfect storm as far as cuffing season is concerned.
8 Interesting Straight-Up Facts About Cuffing Season
GiphyI’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned in one of these articles on here before that a web series I enjoyed watching last year is called Cuddle Season. You can currently watch it on — yep, you guessed it — Tubi; it’s all about some not-so-slim fellas adoring what the cooler weather brings them as far as female company is concerned. LOL. As I thought about it and all of the other intel that I just provided, I decided to further solidify the impact that cuffing season provides by bullet pointing a few other semi-fascinating facts.
1. 1 in 3 individuals find cuffing season to be a real phenomenon, although more millennials are caught up in the hype than those who are older than they are (by the way, 54 percent of Gen Zers find the holiday season to be the perfect time for finding a potential partner too).
2. Although around 30 percent of individuals think that cuffing season is mostly about staying warm, about 45 percent think it’s more about avoiding loneliness.
3. 60 percent of people who tend to feel lonely during the fall and winter will rely on dating apps to bring about some sort of mental and emotional relief.
4. Getting “cuffed up” has actually been proven to reduce anxiety and stress.
5. Not everyone thinks that cuffing season is (potentially) selfish or shallow. In fact, the most engagements transpire between November and January.
6. Know all of those holiday movies where single people fake being in a relationship during the holiday season in order to avoid any pressure from family members and friends? Apparently, it’s art imitating real life because one popular study revealed that a whopping 40 percent of singles have asked a friend to pretend to be their date during the holiday season.
7. Testosterone levels are higher in men during cooler months while being lower in hotter seasons. Women’s eggs are apparently in optimal condition during the fall and wintertime too.
8. Some researchers actually finding “cuffing” to be a means of literal survival due to the fact that (affectionate) touch lowers stress and, since stress is attached to health-related issues like digestive issues, a lower libido, irregular cycles, heart disease, headaches, depression and shortened longevity — well, yes, cuffing season could potentially be a lifesaver.
Okay, So What Is Winter Coating All About?
GiphyAight, so now that you know more about cuffing season than you possibly ever thought that you would, what in the world does the dating term “winter coating” come from? Well, the long-short of it is…what some of y’all call “spinning the block?” How I oftentimes see it is “hitting a cul-de-sac.” LOL. Yes chile, if you decide to participate in winter coating activities during cuffing season, what you’re essentially doing is making the intentional decision to either reach out to an ex or — respond to one who decides to call, text, DM or email you, seemingly out of the blue.
Now the interesting thing about winter coating is it’s not really something that dating experts are thrilled about. One reason is because if someone is in your past, you’ve got to remember that it got to that point for a purpose. Another issue is because, well, why did you/they wait until cuffing season to try and reach out/rekindle something?
Usually, the motive for that is because, oftentimes, the combination of nostalgia mixed with the feeling that love bombing is easier to do on an ex than anyone else. And while that indeed may be true, does that sound healthy and long-term beneficial to you? Yeah, me neither.
Yeah honestly, when you really stop to think about it, winter coating seems a lot like what we do with our actually winter gear — we cram it somewhere where we don’t have to deal with it until it gets cold outside and then we pull it out from a closet, hope chest or under our bed to use it all (and up) for a couple of months — until we don’t need it anymore…and then we discard it all over again. SMDH.
So, if you’re someone who is an avid fan or big-time participant of cuffing season, before you decide to bring winter coating into the mix, really ponder if it’s a good idea or wise decision — because doing something that keeps you warm for a few weeks only for it to turn you cold afterwards…that typically turns out to be more counterproductive than anything else.
5 Tips for Guarding Your Heart (and Perhaps Genitalia) During Cuffing Season
GiphyMatter of fact, while we’re on the topic of cuffing season overall, let me share a few tips to keep you as unscathed as possible, period:
1. To thine own self be true. It’s a French philosopher by the name of Jean de La Bruyère who once said, “It's motive alone which gives character to the actions of men.” You know, the reason why a lot of people trip their own selves up in life is because they aren’t being honest with themselves about WHY they do the things that they do. That said, if you’re going into cuffing season just to have someone to cuddle up and watch Hallmark movies with until spring — have at it.
However, if you’re using cuffing season in hopes of getting something more out of it, SAY THAT. The more honest you are with yourself about your intentions, the less disappointed, disillusioned or hurt you will be…regardless of how things may play out in the end. You were genuine. Karma has taken note.
2. Think about your short and long-term (relational) goals. Let’s be real — for most people, cuffing season is a short-term goal. So, if you want something that is fleeting, do you. On the other hand, if you’re looking for something more meaningful, playing all of the games that come with cuffing season is not going to be your best bet — especially when it comes to the whole winter coating thing.
Yeah, please keep that in mind as you and your ex are taking a walk down memory lane because, more times than not? It’s probably going to lead to (another) dead end. If not immediately…eventually. Bottom line with this one: cuffing season only thinks about the present. Make sure that you also factor in your future.
3. If he’s your ex, don’t sugarcoat why. I’m not the person who thinks that an ex can’t be upcycled — just make sure that you aren’t merely recycling him. The difference? Recycling is using something old (or used) all over again. Upcycling is taking something old (or used) and making it better. That said, sometimes time gives people the opportunity to grow and that can make the “take two” of a relationship better.
Just make sure that if you are entertaining getting back with an ex that you are real with yourself about why the relationship ended to begin with. If you see signs of that mess/drama/ridiculousness still hovering around — cuffing season or not, you should probably take a pass. Why let him infiltrate your holiday season with some bullshishery that you will carry with you for years to come? Girl, uh-uh.
4. DO NOT follow your heart. If you’ve read enough of my relational content, you know that I can’t stand the motto, “Follow your heart”. The fact that it’s not biblical should be reason enough — and it’s not because Jeremiah 17:9-10 says that the heart is deceitful and that’s because emotions can indeed cause you to think/believe that something is one way when it may indeed be something else. And so, as you go into cuffing season this year, follow facts and reality.
That is biblical too: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” (Ecclesiastes 7:18 — Message) In other words, if how you feel is conflicting with what you see — pause, ponder and reflect.
5. Avoid peer (and social media) pressure as best you can. I don’t even know if people would give a damn (at least so much) about cuffing season if social media didn’t talk about it so much. And don’t even get me started on just like peer pressure can get kids and teens to go against their core values and/or participate in risky behavior, it can impact adults in a similar fashion.
Bottom line with this point: Don’t engage in cuffing season or winter coating just because you see other people doing it. If your mind, body and spirit are telling you that it’s not what’s best for you — TAP OUT. You’ll be just fine.
____
Winter coating. Hmph.
Your best bet: Buy one to wear and avoid this dating trend.
The former is an investment. Chances are the latter is a complete waste (of time).
Just sayin’.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Shutterstock