One of my favorite things about being a relationships writer is that I meet all types of people with all kinds of different perspectives; sometimes ones who totally challenge the status quo. Take the assumption about marriage, for instance (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?"). What I mean specifically is the fact that a lot of people seem to believe that most women want to be married.
Hmm. First, did you know that the divorce rate is currently on the decline because less people are strolling down the aisle — and a good amount of those people are indeed women? Second, contrary to what some of these male relationship coaches are saying out here, the reason why many ladies aren't exactly thrilled about marriage isn't as black and white as they like to presume and promote. There are indeed many reasons why some women have cold feet at the mere thought of taking a stroll towards forever.
They deserve to speak for themselves. So, I asked 15 of them (middle names were used) to do just that. One, so that we'll stop seeing views on marriage as one-dimensional, and two, because if you're a woman who is basically terrified of marriage yourself…you won't feel so alone. Because you absolutely aren't.
Why Am I Scared Of Marriage? 15 Women Sound Off
Jocelyn. 37. Haven't Been in a Relationship in Three Years.
"I come from a long line of people who didn't know what the hell they were doing when it came to marriage. While oddly, there is very little divorce on either side of my family, a lot of folks are together and totally miserable. It's like they would rather have the bragging rights of staying together than being happy."
"I think that's what scares me the most — getting with someone and staying, even if I don't like it. Is it really something to be proud of to stay until death if you're miserable?"
Hadassah. 29. Been Exclusive for 10 Months.
"My boyfriend wants to get married. He wants to marry me, more specifically. He said he knew it about three months ago. I'm the one who's been dragging my feet because people change. It's not fair to expect him not to but I want to be with the person I know now. If he switches up on me, I can't guarantee that I'll stick it out. I like consistency and hate surprises too much to sign up for that. I haven't told him any of this. Should I?"
Alexe. 40. Divorced for Five Years.
"Shellie, I know. I can't tell you how many times you saying that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women rings in my head; especially since I was one of them. No, it wasn't because my husband abused me or cheated on me. He's still a good guy. I just like love with space in it. I don't want to share my house. I don't want to sleep on only one side of my bed. I don't want to deal with someone else when I don't feel like it. I'm selfish and I own that. I think it's more selfish to get married when you know you don't want to be what marriage requires. I talked myself into doing it the first time. How stupid of me would I be to do that all over again? No ma'am."
Kiran. 33. Been Casually Dating for Three Years.
"I'll watch a movie if I want to be moved by marriage. I dunno. It's just so serious…and predictable…and needy. Whenever this topic comes up with people, they assume I come from a broken or single-parent home or something. My parents have been together for almost 40 years and they love each other to death. I've just always been a free bird. Like I respect their relationship. I even like watching them. But do I want it? No thanks. I like getting to know different guys, learning from different people and not having any pressure or expectations on me. Marriage nixes all of that and the thought of intentionally signing up for that kind of lifestyle is worse than any horror flick I've seen before."
Alyssa. 42. In a Sexually Exclusive Situation.
"It might sound strange, but I have no problem with sexual monogamy. It's emotional monogamy that I struggle with. I want the option to be able to reach back out to an ex, flirt with someone on Instagram or go out on a date with a man I just met."
"A lot of times, when people talk about being scared to get married, the focus is on never having sex with someone new. There's too much going on out here for me to want to care about that. I just want the option to have new experiences with new men. Marriage prevents that from happening and yeah, that's pretty scary."
Rachele. 48. Divorced for 10 Years.
"Taking care of a man. That's what I did for seven years when I was married. I'm not talking about money. He made that. I mean, cleaning the bathroom. Cooking meals. Running errands all of the time. It wasn't that he expected me to do those things. I was raised that being a wife comes with taking care of a man. Once I no longer had to do that anymore, I can't imagine going back to that. Submission isn't a bad thing. You've just gotta really want to do it. I don't. I doubt I ever will."
Maya. 25. Interested in a Relationship — Not Marriage.
"I'm not sure how much of the minority I am but I think marriage should be for couples who want to have kids so that their children are in a structured environment — the kind that comes with some serious consequences if you just decide to up and walk out one day. Since I am fine being the 'play auntie' to all of my friends' kids, I want to be with someone who feels the same way about being an uncle and we just take it one day at a time.
"Signing on a dotted line feels like a contract that comes with some loopholes that I'm not interested in. Let's just love each other and leave it at that."
Imani. 34. Recently Ended a Two-Year Relationship.
"I just got out of a relationship with a mama's boy. Don't ever do that s — t. He's a good man. He also needs to cut those apron strings because when it comes to his money and his time, he thinks that his mother should get first dibs. Who wants to get married and be the second priority to a woman who has her own husband? I'm afraid that I'll get married and realize that I married a man's family more than him. Been there, done that. Hated it."
Natalie. 44. Been Exclusive for Six Years.
"I'm about to lose the love of my life, if I'm gonna be real about it. [Name withheld] has asked me to marry him twice now. I didn't say 'no'. I said that I would accept his ring if we could stay engaged indefinitely. What I'm scared of is marriage automatically changing our relationship like it has for so many of my friends. It's like, when they were dating, it was all good. Traveling. Lots of sex. Fun. Then they got married and it's watching movies at home, sex on the weekends and fighting all of the time. Why would any sane person choose to be miserable? I'm not saying it's marriage's fault. I'm just saying that a lot of people don't make marriage appear all that attractive to me."
Helen. 31. Divorced for Almost a Year.
"I cheated on my husband…with an ex. He was willing to stick it out, but I was so conflicted that I ended it. To this day, I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not but I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't get married if you're in love with two people. The crazy thing is, I don't want to be with my ex either because how can you trust someone who will help you cheat? I might not be the right person for this question because my divorce is still pretty fresh. What I will say is if you're not totally loving with your whole heart, you shouldn't get married. I've never just loved one person at a time. There's always been some 'residue' from someone else. I've just now accepted that as my reality. So, the thought of getting married again… 'terrified' is the right word."
Kendele. 28. In a Very New Relationship (Less than Three Months).
"Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is spiritual. Marriage is awesome. I'm just not sure if it's for me. It's like there's this assumption that all women want to be married and if they don't, they've got some sort of 'issue'."
"I'm not so much 'terrified' about the idea of marriage as I am reflective on if it serves a real purpose in my life. Can't you respect the institution without wanting to participate in it? I think so."
Lanelle. 39. Been Exclusive for Two Years.
"I'm afraid that my man's sex drive is gonna be too low. It damn near already is. Since college, I can easily have sex every day and in my 30s, that hasn't changed. So, if I sign up to only have sex with him for the rest of my life, that's already freaking me the f — k out. But then he's gonna not be in the mood when I want it? It might sound shallow, but I'll leave a man for that and never look back. Why take the risk? Why not just stay single?"
Perri. 27. Never Been in a Serious Relationship Before.
"How do you say at 25 that you'll stay with someone until you die when you don't know who you'll be at 40? What kind of arrangement is that?"
"The married people in my life tell me that I only feel this way because I've never been in a long-term relationship. Maybe. But predicting the future when you don't know what the future holds sounds pretty crazy in my book."
Brecala. 40. Recently Engaged.
"Yep. I'm engaged and yes, I am terrified of getting married. I think it's because I watch too many Lifetime movies because although my fiancé is the best man I've ever met, a part of me wonders how long you should really know someone before pledging to spend the rest of your life with them. Pray for us, y'all!"
Danyele. 36. Been Exclusive for Five Years.
"Losing my man. Losing him is what terrifies me. I'm not talking about to another woman or even getting a divorce. I'm talking about death. I love my man so much that I think I've been holding off on the marriage thing because that means I'm all in and if he beat me to the punch [died first], I have no idea how I would take that. For me, staying dating is kind of like a wall to protect myself. I know some widows and losing their husbands close to destroyed them. Death is inevitable but I'm still not sure I want to take that risk."
Like I said, marriage — and the hesitations about marriage — are vast. Hopefully, this confirmed that, gave you some things to think about and maybe will even give you the "push" to share some of your own insights in the comments. Marriage is beautiful. It's also OK to have some real concerns or not want to do it. It really is.
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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With Thanksgiving vastly approaching and Christmas a little under a month away, there is still time to ditch the traditional Christmas home to visit family or friends. Whether you’re looking to put a new stamp on your passport and keep things domestic with a destination in the States, xoNecole has you covered with a few hotspots for those itching to go somewhere cold (but with cozy vibes) this holiday season.
Aspen, Colorado
Our Christmas queen, Mariah Carey, has been taking an annual trip to this snowy destination since 1997, just three years after dropping the track that would make her the unofficial (but official to us) ambassador of the winter holiday.
Aside from being a key vacation spot for one of the culture’s greatest musicians, Aspen also offers travelers access to world-class skiing and snowboarding and four distinct mountains that provide the perfect backdrop for a winter vacation.
Whistler, British Columbia, Canada
Alex Ratson/ Getty Images
Home to the largest ski resort in North America, Whistler Blackcomb, this destination is located in the Coast Mountain Range and is about 75 miles north of Vancouver.
From luxury spas like Scandinave Spa Whistler to Olympic Park, this is another top winter vacation spot that offers a unique experience for people who love snow and the thrill of a good adventure.
Western Massachusetts
Dubbed the place for a magical holiday escape, Springfield, Massachusetts, blends the warmth of small-town charm with unforgettable experiences like Grinchmas at Springfield Museums, Winterlights at Naumkeag in Stockbridge, Historic Deerfield’s Winter Frolic, and many others.
This destination offers something for all ages, and it’s close to home, making it all the more reason to place on your radar for a winter getaway.
Rovaniemi, Finland
Elena Liseykina/ Getty Images
If you want to really get into the Christmas spirit, this just may be the place for you. As the official home to Saint Nick himself, Rovaniemi, Finland offers reindeer sleigh rides, the opportunity to stay in a glass igloo, as well as an opportunity to experience the Santa Claus Village.
Lake Tahoe, California/Nevada
Who says that visits to the lake house are only reserved for summer vacation? A winter trip to Lake Tahoe is equipped with stunning lake views and top-notch ski resorts, including Heavenly and Northstar.
Chamonix, France
Walter Bibikow/ Getty Images
Sitting at the base of Mont Blanc, Chamonix, France, is known for its skiing and mountaineering. This destination is home to the Aiguille du Midi cable car, the charming Alpine village, and is also close to various other European ski destinations.
Northeastern Pennsylvania
This area of the U.S. state is home to the Poconos Mountains, whose renowned ski resorts include Camelback Mountain, Blue Mountain, and Jack Frost Big Boulder. Whether you’re a ski expert, a beginner, or just there for the vibes, this destination makes for a winter vacation that balances fun adventures and cozy getaways. Additionally, Pennsylvania is home to the Christmas Tree Capital of the world.
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