

Try to escape a conversation about money. Whether it's a new poll showing that blacks aren't prepared for retirement, actress Kerry Washington urging women to be "financially literate," or Jay-Z rapping about generational wealth - conversations about money are all around us.
Honestly, these are topics that I've avoided like Trump speeches for years based on bad financial choices from the past. But burying my head in the sand won't change anything and, the truth is, black women are winning in business. It can't be said enough that we're the fastest growing group of entrepreneurs in this country and our businesses generate $51.4 billion in revenues. Those are the kind of numbers that motivate a girl to get it together.
That and my kids.
I want to give them a better life than I had and enough money to never have to struggle when I'm gone. So, how do I get there? According to financial advisor Lola C. West, who has been educating people about money for over 20 years, building the type of wealth that can be passed down to future generations is easier than we might think. In fact, a lot of it has to do with awareness and the right mindset.
The key to generational wealth is having awareness and the right mindset.
Fortunately, she's broken down some gems about building generational wealth that can strengthen our financial literacy IQ exponentially, whether we're new to the conversation or just brushing up. So, in the spirit of sharing, here's the Woke Woman's Guide To Building Generational Wealth!
It Never Too Late To Start Saving
It's never too late to start building wealth. First, you have to know how much it costs to be you. If you spend more than you make, then you have to look at your daily habits and create a budget. At least, 10% or more of your income should go into savings that you don't touch, and it's critical to have at least six months of living expenses saved up in case you lose your job.
Also, the first day you start a job, take out the max (in 2017, $18,000 per year, and $24,000 for 50 years of age and over) for your retirement account. By taking out the maximum amount, it could put you into a lower tax bracket, which could save you more money.
If you're self-employed, put at least 30% of what you earn away for taxes.
You could also speak to a financial advisor about setting up an SEP IRA. A Simplified Employee Pension Individual Retirement Account allows entrepreneurs or anyone with freelance income to open an account and make tax-deductible contributions. Like a traditional IRA, the money in a SEP IRA is not taxable until withdrawal and business owners can contribute up to 25% of income, or $53,000, whichever is less.
Educate Your Kids About Budgeting and Good Money Habits
We have to look at the conversations we have at home about money and what we are teaching our children. For example: giving a child as young as five years old a $5 weekly allowance can build their understanding of money. 1/3 of that money could go to a savings account, 1/3 could be for philanthropy, and 1/3 for spending....NO CANDY!
By taking a child into the bank, they understand this is an institution. An ATM does not leave that impression. Explain that if you buy something with a credit card today, a bill will be at your doorstep in 30 days, and if you don't pay on time there are late fees. You can also give them things to budget. For example: give them the amount of money you plan to use for back-to-school clothes and let them help make the list based on how much you have to spend.
Invest In Your Child's Future
Also, establish a 529 College Fund account when your child is born, and every birthday, Christmas, and holiday that your child gets money - at least 50% of it should go into a savings vehicle. If you have significant assets or a child with special needs, establishing a trust with the support of a qualified estate attorney can be a powerful way to foster the longevity of assets and/or protect the welfare of your child throughout their lifetime.
Multiple Streams of Income and Diversifying Investments
I always use the analogy that if you're in an elevator that has three cables and one of them breaks, the other two will still hold it up. It's the same with multiple streams of income. If one stream doesn't work, the others should help balance. It's also the strategy behind diversifying investments between three asset classes: stocks, bonds, and cash.
Stocks are the equity that you buy when a company is selling shares. You can buy one, two, or many. Bonds are considered fixed income. For instance, a company says if you give me $1,000, I will pay you 4 percent interest for the year. At the end of the year, I will give you back your $1,000 and you will have received $40 for letting us use your money.
Cash is the money you put in a bank that they pay you interest on. Interest rates for savings accounts are low now, but save anyway! You continue to earn because of the compounding effect of interest, which is interest on top of interest earned when you don't withdraw your money.
Property Investment
People often ask if buying a house is still a good investment. Yes. Because it allows you to build equity. You build equity in a house as you pay down your mortgage. The less you owe on the property, the more equity you have. When you have equity in your home, you can "borrow" money against it - we call that refinancing your home. The danger is mortgaging your home to its market value. You will then have no equity in your home. Property is one of the main assets that are passed from generation to generation.
Deeds And Setting Up A Will
A deed and a will are very important. A deed establishes ownership of a piece of property. If you and your partner buy a house, it's important that both names be on the deed so there are no issues when transferring the property to someone else. Because of the complexity of federal and state laws, we recommend working with a qualified estate attorney to draft your will to lessen the possibility of family conflict. Be specific in terms of what you want each child to have, even children you don't wish to leave anything so that your will won't be contested. For example: each child should be mentioned by name and left something, even if that sum is $1, so it is clear that the child was not forgotten, and he or she can't contest your will.
Study Wealth Building
One of the best ways to build the wealth you desire is research. Attend workshops, study online, find a mentor, etc. There's a great book called 50 Billion Dollar Boss: African American Women Sharing Stories of Success in Entrepreneurship and Leadershipthat I strongly recommend because it highlights how successful black women worked through the challenges of creating their businesses. When you look at generational wealth beyond dollars and cents, it's also our stories of resilience that we want to pass down to future generations.
Lola C. West is a co-founder and managing director at WestFuller Advisors.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Lawd. Out Of All The Current Dating Trends, 'Floodlighting' Is One Of The Biggest Red Flags.
I remember when I went on my first official date with an ex of mine from back in the day.
Before I decided to do it, I knew that I was attracted to him and that we both had things like poetry, music, and pretty much all things Black culture in common (I also semi-vetted him beforehand because we had some friends in common) — beyond that, though, I didn’t know much. And so, after about 30 minutes into that date, he asked me a particular question, and at the time, I thought that it was beyond thoughtful: “Shellie, what do you look for in a man?”
As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
Best-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
Ask pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
Once I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
So, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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