All right ladies, let's make a pact right now that before we go any further into this new year, we're going to be explicitly honest with ourselves in every area of our lives.
That means, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. While we're being honest, let's get super intentional about pinpointing, accepting, and actively dealing with the root of our own issues. Not just the symptoms. One of the areas where we could all probably afford to take another look at is our relationships. In the modern age of hookups and situationships, I'll be the first to admit that I've been somewhat unlucky in love. It seems as if I'm always running into men who either: Say they see me as their girlfriend but then don't put forth any action behind it or approach me only wanting one thing (and you can take a guess at what that is).
The latter of which I'm not necessarily mad at because I'd rather know upfront what they're after and reject their advances than to be emotionally manipulated only to be hoodwinked down the line.
What this has taught me is that sometimes the light we innately carry attracts drainers as well as sustainers.
But whether or not we entertain them, meaning enter into a relationship, is totally up to us. To put it plainly, it's one thing to ATTRACT wrong whether knowingly or unknowingly, but it's another to actually CHOOSE IT. It's one thing to respond back to that DM from the guy you know is no good. But it's another to know he's no good, dive headfirst into a relationship, and act surprised when he does you like the last girl.
It's time out for finding out that your man is your man and hers too. It's time out for consistently being with someone who always withdraws but never deposits. And it's more than time out for unrequited effort, love, and consistency in 2019 as a result of picking the wrong partner. So, to help you break the cycle, check out these underlying sources that may be at the root of your problems.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Have Fixer/Savior Syndrome
One reason why you may find yourself consistently meeting a less than stellar match, is because you lowkey thrive on having a partner you can either save from themselves or one that you view as a project. Being the person that your partner "changed for" speaks to the unspoken longing to feel needed and validated in love. When this particular partner exhibits unsavory behaviors, all of sudden you either take up your cross or become Iyanla 2.0. But what happens when and if your partner doesn't feel the need to change or just downright refuses?
The long-term complications can result in low self-esteem and resentment because you ascribed your value to who you could fix. I'm not saying that you shouldn't ever improve on yourself for the benefit of the relationship, but what I am saying is that you can't change someone who doesn't see a problem in what they're doing. Save yourself the time and energy, sis. It's not your job to "fix" a man, that's what therapy, prayer, and alkaline water is for. It's also not your job to save him from his own worst behaviors. Jesus did that over 2,000 years ago and for you non-religious folks, heed the warning of J. Cole: Don't save him. He don't want to be saved, love.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Take Potential at Face Value
Another reason that may stand in the way of finding your forever partner is the fact that you're constantly persuaded by potential. I feel like I could write a whole book on this alone. The fact of the matter is, we ALL were born with potential. Like seriously. No man (or woman, for that matter) should get props or special access to you just because they have the potential to be somebody or do something great. That ability is built in us all and has been since the day we took our first breath.
The thing that matters most though, is what we do with it. And the same goes for your significant other. Are they harnessing that potential into something tangible or is every big idea just an idea with no follow-through? Don't excuse his behavior or lack thereof because of who he might be. We all have potential, you ain't special, boo.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re Lonely
Hey, I get it. Cuffing season is a big deal for many of us and there's nothing like being cozied up with that special someone. The feeling of knowing you have somebody who makes your hotline bling can be very addicting. And if you've been experiencing a drought in your dating life, loneliness can drive you to choosing and getting with someone you otherwise would not.
Never forget that while you may be alone, you have a choice on whether or not to feel lonely. Call up your friends to see if you can hang out or go out for and if they're boo'd up, get out that planner and vision board. Start manifesting some stuff. Your life and love life can change in an instant, but you can't attract #BetterBae if you're caught up being #LonelyBae. I know it might be tough right now, but remember seasons always change.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You’re a People-Pleaser
Let's do a quick poll: If you've ever gotten with somebody based off the suggestion of your friends, put one finger in the air. If that endeavor turned out badly yet they insisted you give it another shot and you did, add another finger. If you've dated someone just because they looked good on paper, add one more. If you've ever gotten with someone based off the suggestion of your parents, let another finger rise. If you've ever gotten with someone for the sake of looking good on the 'Gram, raise yet another. Now if you're holding a high-five, I have five words for you: DON'T. EVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN.
It's time to dead the practice of getting with somebody in order to appease other people's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. People are going to talk, whether you're doing good or bad. Whether you're in a happy relationship or not. Whether you're dating someone who actually complements you or not. People are fickle, that's just how we're made. In 2019, we've got to stop living for people who aren't even checking for us. And that's that on that.
You Choose the Wrong Partner Because You Don’t Trust Your Intuition
The older I get, the more I realize the importance of listening to that small voice on the inside. You know, the voice that's often the voice of reason and sometimes reckoning. When it comes to figuring out why you keep choosing lousy lovers, it may be as simple as ignorance of your intuition. Defined by Webster as an "immediate apprehension or cognition without reasoning or inferring," doubting this sense can lead to detrimental effects.
You know when you should take a step back to look at things for what they really are. You know that if your partner's words and actions don't line up, something in the milk isn't clean. You know when something feels a lot more like hurt and less like love. But you should also know that when you've been doing the inner work towards leveling up, your spirit will never steer you wrong. You've just gotta have the faith, confidence, and the audacity to fully walk in it. Trust yo' self, sis.
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Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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For instance, people who have only had sex with their spouse reportedly have a 45 percent greater chance of having a really stable marriage. Another study says that 71 percent of men who have only had one partner are very happy in their marriage as opposed to 65 percent of men who’ve had two or more partners. And still, another report has stated that women with 10 or more partners are most likely to divorce while women with only one partner are the least likely to.
It's another article for another time about why this all may be the case. For now, I just thought it was important to remind cyberspace that virgins are not obsolete (check out Newsweek’s “Number of Virgins in America Hits Record High” that came out just this past January) and there are some former virgins in this world who not only waited until their wedding night — but, for their own special reasons, are oh so very glad that they did.
Giphy1. Lynn. 28. Married for Three Years.
“I come from a generation of virgins and I’m proud of that. My mom was a virgin when she got married. So was my grandmother. I was raised that my body is a wedding present and so I’ve always seen myself that way. I’m officially out of my newlywed years and while it took about a year for me to really get the hang of things, I like that my husband is the only man that I’ve known. I don’t have anyone to compare him to. I’m not wondering if I’m missing out. He was a virgin too, so we’re not worried about mystery babies or incubated diseases. Sex is peaceful in my home. I’m glad that I waited.”
2. Adina. 35. Married for Eight Years.
“I’ll be real — I was a virgin on a technicality. I think a lot of virgins are because I didn’t have intercourse until marriage — but there was some oral action going on up in here for years. That’s just the truth! It’s not that I don’t think that oral sex is sex — I just liked that I could have the pleasure without worrying about pregnancy…and yes, not wanting to get pregnant is the main reason why I waited until marriage. I will say that giving my husband something that no other man had before did make the wedding night special — awkward, kind of uncomfortable and funny as hell at times but really special. I don’t regret it.”
Giphy3. Marie. 29. Married for Two Years.
“I didn’t plan on being a virgin until marriage. My goal was just to not give it up unless I loved someone — and that didn’t happen until my husband. When he found out that I was a virgin, he didn’t want to risk us dating, having sex, and breaking up. He said that it would have been on his conscience for the rest of his life. So…we waited. I didn’t expect that to make me love and trust him more but it did. If he could guard my heart while dating me, I’m sure he can protect me well now that we’re married. Waiting made me feel safer in my relationship. That is probably the best thing about it.”
4. Eliana. 30. Married for Six Years.
“People like to act like sex isn’t a big deal and that’s a damn lie. Anything that can give you a child or a disease that could end your life isn’t something that you should not care about. It’s not that I wasn’t curious or tempted or that there weren’t times when I didn’t come close, but so many of my friends had regrets about…not really the sex but who they chose to have sex with that I didn’t think it was worth the stress. I do think that if you are going to wait until your wedding night that you should find some wives to talk to because, baby, I was not prepared. I think that is a part of what marriage is about, though — having some things that you learn about, only with your spouse, knowing that it’s not a performance but an experience and since you’re married, you have all of the time in the world. There was a learning curve but we’ve got it down now, ma’am. Thank you very much.”
Giphy5. Krystal. 27. Married for Four Years.
“I’ve always thought it was weird that people think that virginity is only tied to religion. I’m agnostic and I was a virgin until I was 23 because I watched how the college years went for most of my friends and I decided to pass on STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and being caught up in guys who I didn’t see a future with. Life was easier for me not having sex and now I can enjoy my husband without the drama that my friends went through. You don’t need religion to use discernment.”
6. Michelle. 24. Married for One Year.
“I don’t know why people think that being a virgin means that you don’t think a lot about sex or have valid things to say about sex. For me, staying a virgin was hard but the reason was simple: I have a vivid imagination and I didn’t feel like having to think about what I should try or hold back from when it came time to do it. I know women who are like, ‘I’ll have sex with you but won’t suck your d-ck’ or ‘I’ll have sex with you but not in these positions.’ Girl, that man is in your body. What are all of these rules about? If your first time is something that you will never forget, I wanted mine to be no rules, no boundaries — we in this bitch! And that’s just how my wedding night was. I love him. He loves me. We’re gonna do whatever, whenever, however, for the rest of our lives. To me, that’s how sex should be.”
Giphy7. Francine. 33. Married for Four Years.
“I was too busy for sex. Call it strange but I just had too much on my plate. I think some people go to college and lose it because they didn’t have a real plan. College is something you do and so you go — and then you get distracted. That wasn’t me. I knew what I wanted to do, so, as fine as some of the men were, I wasn’t going to waste my time or my scholarship. Then, once I got my master’s, I was focused on getting a job and buying a house, so I didn’t do a lot of dating then either. I guess the universe didn’t want me out in these streets for too long because once I was ready to have a dating life, after three flop dates, thanks to a set-up, I met my husband, we dated for six months, and got married. It’s weird because I didn’t put much thought into being a virgin until my wedding night while I was living my life but now that you ask, I’m glad that I waited because, since I am such a planner, it’s nice that I don’t see sex as something that wrecked, ruined or even delayed all of the other things that I wanted to do. I never want to see sex as problematic. I think that waiting kept that from happening.”
8. Nya. 31. Married for Six Years.
“I’ll never forget you telling me about that husband who said that the thing that he loved the most about his wife’s body is he believed that when God made her, he had her in mind. When you told me that she wasn’t a Coke bottle shape, that made me feel like I didn’t need to change who I was while waiting for the right man. In all honesty, a part of the reason why I was a virgin for so long is because I had body image issues that I was dealing with. In college, I learned that men talk just as much as women when it comes to stuff like that and I didn’t want different guys ‘sizing me up.’ When I met my husband, he always made me feel not just like I was attractive but that my body was stunning to him — and that made me want to share myself with him. Honestly, the only reason why we waited until our wedding was because we were in a long-distance relationship and didn’t date for long, but it did feel good to know that he didn’t want to ‘test anything out’ before to make sure that he would be happy in that way. He was satisfied with me without sex and that made the wedding night pretty incredible."
Giphy9. Berry. 38. Married for 20 Years.
“It might be weird to hear that, although I was a virgin on my wedding night, I was also ‘abstinent’ when I dated my husband. What I’m saying is that no man had penetrated me before him, but I did mess around quite a bit with guys and it always made things messy — one way or another. When my husband came along, he wasn’t a virgin by any stretch, but he had been abstinent too for a few months. When we saw that this was going somewhere, we made the decision to not do anything sexual until we got engaged and then to not have actual sex until our wedding night. It gave us time to learn intimacy in other ways. It also helped out our relationship because we both travel for work. People think that you don’t need self-control sometimes after marriage and that’s just not true. Anyway, something that I respect about waiting is it ‘programmed’ me to see sex as something that is only for marriage — not due to religion but because I don’t know what intercourse is like without having a husband. I kinda like it.”
10. Chadae. 43. Married for 18 Years.
“It might sound crazy but one of my favorite celebrities has always been Lisa Bonet. I thought she was so pretty on The Cosby Show and I remembered watching a rerun of when Cliff asked her husband if they had sex before marriage and he said that Denise was a virgin on their wedding day. Even though a lot of my friends were having sex, something about that stood out to me — that you can be a beautiful woman, go on dates, have a full life and there doesn’t have to be sex on the table. I also liked how proud Cliff was as a father because, when my husband asked for permission to marry me, my dad didn’t ask if I was still a virgin, but I told him and my mom that I was and he teared up. He said it was because he wanted a man to value me enough to vow himself to me before I gave him my body — and he trusted my husband because he did. It might sound old-fashioned but some things that are ‘old-school’ prevent you from learning things the hard way.”
____
Two of my favorite married couples have been together for over 20 years and the thing that they have in common is both the husbands and wives were virgins on their wedding day. Something that one of the wives has told me is she likes that all she knows is her husband and something that one of the husbands has said is he’s never wondered if he’s missing out on anything because he’s never had anyone to compare his wife to. How sweet is that?
If you are a virgin who is reading this, all of these resolves can definitely provide you with some food for thought before making any decisions about what to do about your own sex life. Because while the power of your sexuality is certainly your choice, should you want to wait — not only should you not feel bad, embarrassed, or even hesitant about that, there are benefits that can come with making such a sober-minded decision.
Virgins still exist. And, like most things in life, virginity has its own rewards. Salute.
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