“And you're okay with your role as an unwed baby mama?"
The pressures that come with becoming a Mrs. in America weigh heavily on a woman. The nitpicking begins from day one, and the need to be on the inside of someone's relationships starts at “so what are y'all?" You and the person you've been dating stamp labels on one another, finally becoming boyfriend and girlfriend. It's pretty serious at this point. Time passes–two years, three years–and you're faced with inquiries of when marriage will come into play because time is ticking. What have you two been doing all these years? It's only right you get married right now.
“When is he putting a ring on it?"
“So y'all started ring shopping yet?"
You both feel it's not time and criticism from the left and the right pour in. You hear breakdowns of the statistics within Black communities on marriage and are encouraged to break the cycle.
“Don't you two go off and have babies now without committing before the Lord."
Years go by and a baby makes its way into the picture before the bling on your finger, going against that children's song “K-I-S-S-I-N-G" you used to recite. You're both comfortable where you're at in life, and marriage doesn't take precedence in your list of priorities right now.
“Why buy the cow, when you get the milk free?"
You'll hear that often. Your title in the eyes of other people has now shifted, too, as you're now the baby mother and not the girlfriend. The ring will get you back into society's good graces, and you're not saying it won't ever happen, but satisfying society's standards on relationships is outside of your realm right now–no matter how long you may have been with someone. Some people go knee-deep into years with a partner without marrying (myself included), while others never wed at all. Some want to play house with real life babies before deciding if spending their lives legally attached to someone is the way to go. Others strongly believe the source of happiness isn't found before a minister and through the exchange of rings. Why aren't people okay with the
decisions other people make and have to live with? If someone is happy, why are others judgmental about that person's lifestyle?
In a recent interview with Vogue, Oprah Winfrey opened up about her long time relationship with her partner Stedman Graham. The topic of why they never decided to get married came up and this is what she said:
“Live life on your own terms. Nobody believes it, but it's true. The only time I brought it up was when I said to Stedman, 'What would have happened if we had actually gotten married?' And the answer is: 'We wouldn't be together.' We would not have stayed together, because marriage requires a different way of being in this world. His interpretation of what it means to be a husband and what it would mean for me to be a wife would have been pretty traditional, and I would not have been able to fit into that."
[Tweet ""Live life on your own terms." - @Oprah"]
Related: Not Every Woman Feels a Husband is Part of the “Having it All" Plan
Jennifer Hudson also has explained why she and her fiance Daniel Otunga Jr. haven't rushed to tie the knot. The pair have a 7-year-old son together and have been engaged for 10 years.
"I feel like everything is about timing, and he ain't going nowhere. He's still there. Everyone has married us off anyway and we're still a family but there's no difference. I'm a believer in you do well and better in what you want to do rather than what you have to do. If you have to be somewhere, you don't want to do it no more."
[Tweet "Everything is about timing. We're still a family. - Jennifer Hudson"]
Before model turned actress Nazanin Mandi announced her engagement to R&B singer Miguel, the Persian beauty faced a ton of critiques on her relationship after Miguel revealed during a radio interview why he hadn't proposed to her after 10 years of dating:
“I think it's more about working–thing is, you got to know who you are as a person, first of all. I think I've come so far as a man, and I'm just starting to feel solid, where I can be like, 'You know what? I think I can hold this down legitimately.' I think now people throw things around, like marriage. I just wasn't raised like that.
I don't feel the pressure because I know that when I commit, I really commit. Now it's just thrown around because it's so easy to break up. And I'm just not that kind of person. I'm just not gonna do that. I wouldn't do that to her, and that's just not how I was raised. I just don't feel like that would be honorable.
I think because of society and how people view everything, and how everything is just so run-of-the-mill and very–what is that called? Everything is like fast food. It's just like fast food. 'Okay, you wanna get married? Cool! Get married!' 'You wanna get divorced? Get divorced.' There's no thought or substance behind it. I think the pressure comes from outside because people are like, 'Why not?!'
I think more than anything, [friendship] is the most important [thing]. I really am wildhearted. I'm wild at heart. It just means that I follow my instincts, and that's what this album is about. I think she's learned that, and she's had to adjust, and had to learn, and also embrace. And I love her more for that."
And while many can't fathom what else there is to know about a person after a decade of dating, the truth is, there's always something to learn about your significant other, especially if it's during your twenties as you're attempting to navigate and figure out your own life at this time. I was five years into dating my partner at the age of 22. With that amount of time in, should I have married him knowing all that I did about him? I was still trying to understand myself and feel comfortable in my own skin about who I was. I wanted to make myself happy instead of handing that power over to someone else who would be juggling my joy in their hands.
Instead of acknowledging the reality that marriage is not the end goal and most women are quite content not being legally bound to someone, people assume that unwed women are being strung along and it's foolish. It's not about entertaining a game of mental manipulation and falling snug in my role as a “baby mother," but it is about me having the freedom to do what's right for my future and honoring what I feel is right for me, right now. I wish we would rid ourselves of these socially conservative views where we're attacked by people who aggressively advise we marry someone because of scripture or because of the number of years put in. We've gone from "So, what are you two?" to “When are you getting married?" or “Y'all thinking about bringing a baby into the picture?" and then “Are you having more children to add to the family?"
It's an incessant interrogation into the lives of others.
In a great piece on The Root, matchmaker Gee Sanders explains why some are choosing parenthood over the idea of marriage. “Biology forces you to be connected. In a romantic relationship, there's always a choice. Your status with [a significant other] is not permanent."
Even wife and mom La La Anthony, who is married to hubby Carmelo Anthony, weighed in on her long engagement and why it's necessary to enjoy the moment during an interview with xoNecole:
Enjoy the moment. Enjoy what's happening and live in the moment…We're always running and so busy and thinking about the next thing that you don't enjoy the moment. So take your time and enjoy the engagement and the moment. And there is no rush! I was engaged for a very long time and people put me through the ringer for it. [They said] that I was going to be engaged forever and never get married but guess what? I did it my way and my marriage has lasted longer than half those people that were talking all of that stuff before. So do it your way and enjoy it.
Related: 'Don't Be A Wife To A Boyfriend': 10 Lessons I Learned When I Was Single
xoNecole staff Ashleigh and Sheriden also weighed in on being in a long-term relationship and the external stress that comes from outsiders who feel they know best:
“While I do, however, really want to get married, I want to be a wedding event designer in the far future, so I live for a wedding, but the father of my child and I just aren't there financially due to spend the first five years of our lives together as a family, pursuing school, and now trying to really get on our feet. We both each want a wedding and don't want to do just a court ceremony. I've been to one it's just not me at all. I love him to death, but I want my wedding.
And it's not even about it being glamorous because I plan to do mine mostly DIY. The creative process is enjoyable for me. It's annoying when the first thing we hear is 'you don't need a wedding,' so I'm over people trying to tell us what we need. It's okay for it to be about what you WANT versus what you NEED sometimes. We're happy and while it's a bit discouraging that it might be 5-10 years before it happens. He tells me, that title doesn't change our dynamic. Our love will still be just as strong as it is now and no matter how long it takes, we are still a family." – Ashleigh
[Tweet "It's okay for it to be about what you WANT versus what you NEED sometimes."]
“I would love to be married one day, but it kills me how we pick at relationships that might otherwise be healthy and working because a ring isn't on someone's finger. My world does not revolve around whether or not the man I love will one day decide to marry me and you can't tell me about my relationship based off of that. It's not about 'settling' or 'holding yourself up to the highest standard.' Are we only valuable as women if we're someone's wife?" – Sheriden
The fact that women have to thoroughly spell out their decisions for people to understand is frustrating, to say the very least. In a conversation with a close friend, I was reminded me of the fluidity of life and how as life changes, so do we and our choices. It's not that marriage is completely out of the question, but it also doesn't take precedence over other things in life, like getting finances in order, purchasing a home, or settling comfortably into a career. Sometimes that takes two years, for others, two decades. We need to be okay with that.
Whether you believe unwed couples who are raising happy children in happy homes are setting a bad example to those very children on family principles, the point remains that we need to be more understanding of a couple's decision.
If it's not your household, man, or woman, why does it bother you?
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
Anyway, one of them was recently expressing in the chat that, although, according to her doctor, her hormone levels seemed to be fine, she felt like certain perimenopause symptoms were telling her otherwise. She’s probably right because the reality is you can be in a state of perimenopause — the transitional phase that comes right before menopause — anywhere from 4-10 years (keep in mind that the average age for entering menopause is 51).
And so, after hearing about some of what she was experiencing and recommending things like evening primrose oil and raspberry leaf tea, it reminded me that I should also pen an article on seed cycling — a practice that is gaining more traction when it comes to all-natural ways of keeping certain hormones in balance.
If you’re curious about what seed cycling is all about, I’ve got a few details that may interest you — and might provide you with some perimenopausal relief — below.
What Is Seed Cycling and Why Is It Becoming More Popular?
GiphyProbably the easiest way to define seed cycling is it’s all about consuming certain seeds during certain times of the month in order to balance out your hormones — well, not only balance hormones but boost fertility and also decrease symptoms that are directly related to menopause.
The thought process of seed cycling is if you consume certain seeds during the first half of your menstrual cycle, it will help to balance out your estrogen levels; then if you consume certain seeds during the other half of your menstrual cycle, it will balance out your progesterone levels.
So, which seeds are you supposed to take?
Flax and pumpkin seeds during the first 14 days of your cycle and then sesame and sunflower seeds during the last 14 days. And what if your period isn’t on a 28-day cycle? Well, then what you would do is take flax and pumpkin seeds during your follicular phase (the first day that you start your period through the day that you ovulate) and sesame and sunflower seeds during your luteal phase (the time that happens right after your ovulate and ends once your period starts). And why these seeds in particular? Were they just pulled out of thin air? Nope.
Flaxseeds contain phytoestrogenswhich is a form of plant-based estrogen. Estrogen is low at the beginning of your menstrual cycle, so phytoestrogens can help your body build up your uterine lining. When you are going through the latter stages of perimenopause/menopause, estrogen levels can significantly decrease; phytoestrogens can help to bring your levels back up. That said, as far as periods are concerned, flaxseeds can help to regulate your cycle (which can also make it easier for you to conceive, if that is something that you are trying to do). As far as perimenopause and menopause are concerned, they can help to make their symptoms more bearable.
Pumpkin seeds are a rich source of magnesium and manganese which help to ease PMS symptoms and reduce menstrual discomfort. When it comes to perimenopause and menopause, magnesium can reduce anxiety and depression and help you to sleep better which can reduce symptoms that are associated with both conditions. And manganese? Manganese helps to regulate blood levels and improve bone density. Pumpkin seeds also contain a considerable amount of zinc that helps to regulate hormones. Fertility-wise, pumpkin seeds can increase testosterone levels and they can help you to have a healthier pregnancy.
Sesame seeds also have phytoestrogens in them; however, the reason why sesame seeds are recommended for seed cycling is because the zinc, selenium, vitamin E, and fatty acids in them are what help to give your progesterone levels a boost during the second half of your menstrual cycle. Progesterone not only creates a healthy uterine lining, if an egg isn’t fertilized, but it also helps your body to shed the lining. When it comes to perimenopause/menopause, progesterone is needed because it can help reduce the impact of hot flashes and menopause-related insomnia. When it comes to conceiving, sesame seeds can help to reduce inflammation and boost your immunity — making it easier for your body to get pregnant.
Sunflower seeds are loaded with vitamin Eand that alone makes them great when it comes to your menstrual cycle and dealing with perimenopause and menopause-related symptoms. That’s because vitamin E helps to reduce period discomfort and, if you happen to have heavy cycles, it can help to decrease the amount of blood that you lose during your cycle as well. For those dealing with perimenopause and menopause, vitamin E helps to bring relief to symptoms like hot flashes and vaginal dryness. Sunflower seeds can also aid in fertility, thanks to the fatty acids in them that can make it easier to conceive.
So, as you can see, there is a method to the madness when it comes to the seeds that are selected for seed cycling. Okay, but how do you actually incorporate seed cycling into your lifestyle? Good question.
How to Do Seed Cycling in Order to Receive the Most Optimal Results
GiphyIf you want to try seed cycling in order to see if it helps you and your hormones out, this is what you will need to do:
During days 1-14 (again, your follicular phase), you will need to take one tablespoon of ground flaxseeds and one tablespoon of ground pumpkin seeds.
During days 15-28 (again, your luteal phase), you will need to take one tablespoon of ground sesame seeds and one tablespoon of ground sunflower seeds.
The strategy here is if you do this consistently for 3-4 months, you should start to see an improvement when it comes to the imbalance of your hormones. It should also go on record that some health experts recommend adding 1200-1500 mg EPA/DHA to the follicular phase of seed cycling and evening primrose oil to the luteal phase. That’s because EPA/DHA are fatty acids that help to reduce bodily inflammation and evening primrose oil helps to decrease PMS symptoms as well as hot flashes.
As far as side effects go, there currently aren’t any drastic ones that have been reported. The main thing to keep in mind is that you may experience some gas, bloating, or changes in your bowel movement patterns for a moment. That’s because certain seeds are filled with fiber.
How These Seeds Will Benefit Your Health Regardless
GiphyNow that you know more of what seed cycling is all about, you might be wondering if it’s truly worth your while. The truth is that research is still being conducted which means that there are articles out in cyberspace that tend to Elmo shrug seed cycling more than anything else. My two cents? I mean, the fact that the four seeds listed have other health benefits, if you’re someone who prefers to take all-natural approaches to your health, it can’t hurt to up your intake of flaxseeds, pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, and sunflower seeds anyway. Here are a few (additional) reasons why.
Flaxseeds. Aside from the fact that flaxseeds are a beneficial source of fiber and protein, they are also good for you because they are rich in omega-3s (which reduce inflammation and decrease cholesterol levels), they can help to keep your blood sugar levels in check, they are good at assisting with weight management and they can strengthen your digestive system.
Pumpkin seeds. If you’re currently trying to eat less meat yet you don’t want to do it at the sacrifice of your daily protein needs, pumpkin seeds are the answer to your prayers. They are off-the-charts when it comes to how much protein is in them (almost nine grams per serving), plus they contain a solid amount of copper, magnesium, manganese, phosphorus, zinc, and antioxidants. If you want to improve your bladder health, pumpkin seeds can help to make that happen. If you want a stronger heart, pumpkin seeds offer support in that department.
Something else to keep in mind is, that since pumpkin seeds have antimicrobial, anti-inflammatory, antioxidative, and anti-ulcerative properties in them, they can also help your body to heal from minor issues and wounds faster — which is always a good thing.
Sesame seeds. If you are looking to get more fiber and protein in, lower your cholesterol and blood pressure levels, keep your bones in good shape, uptick your vitamin B intake, and/or strengthen your immune system, these are the areas where sesame seeds can be of great assistance. Something else that’s cool about sesame seeds is they have a reputation for helping to keep your liver and kidneys in peak condition as well.
Sunflower seeds. As far as snacking goes, probably the most popular seeds (on this list, anyway) are sunflower seeds. If they are something that you enjoy indulging in, you can feel good about that since they contain properties that fight cancer, help to regulate your thyroid, assist with preventing muscle cramps, provide you an energy boost, reduce your blood sugar levels, and make your gut (where 80 percent of your immunity resides) healthier.
Hmph. Looks to me that if you take these seeds in, your health is only going to improve — if that includes when it comes to your hormones, then that is just a bonus.
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Now that you know more about seed cycling, of course, it is totally up to you if you want to give it a shot. Again, though — since all of these seeds are good for you, what do you have to lose in trying it?
I don’t see one damn thing, y’all. Not one.
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