It's Finals week in the NBA and Alicia Jay Smith, Game Operations Manager for the Golden State Warriors, is team no sleep.
She slips her 6'6" frame into a sleek pair of black Alloy Apparel pants with a matching black boatneck tee––one of her go-to outfits for days when she lacks the time or energy to throw on something jazzier––and steps into her four-inch metallic pumps, bringing her towering frame just shy of seven feet.
Yeah. She's tall.
And if that isn't enough to make her stand out in a crowd, try throwing being a virgin into the mix. A 35-year-old virgin, that is. Not that she's boasting about it, nor is she pretending like she hasn't considered giving someone access to her cookie jar.
“I'll be honest with you. One of the reasons why I'm still a virgin is because I know once I start, it's going to happen constantly," she confesses.
“I want it to be with one person because personally I don't want to be with multiple people, but I know if I had started, that would be the case."
Today, Alicia speaks confidently about her decision to save herself until marriage. She openly shares her story and her struggles on her site Tall Swag, a fashion and lifestyle blog dedicated to her fellow long-limbed ladies. She even shot a pilot for Lifetime titled The Tallest Virgin in the World that dives into the real life of being a tall, single woman. But confidence isn't something that is developed in times of triumph, it's built in moments of struggle, and that's something that Alicia knows all too well.
Growing up in Portland, Oregon where the African-American population for the state hovers around 2 percent, Alicia's light skin and curly 'fro often became the source of ridicule from both childhood peers and adults alike. “I was called the N-word walking down the street in my neighborhood, and my PE teacher called me a black B-word," Alicia recalls. “My teacher used to bring me up in front of the class and tell people that I was terrible at spelling."
The racism didn't end at school, either. At home she was not only the darkest person on her block, but also on her mother's side of the family. When her father remarried, she caught heat for being too light. “Within some of my step-family specifically, [they thought] I was better than everybody else because I was whiter. So, I got [ridiculed] from both angles."
While her mom couldn't shield her from harsh criticisms, she could pour into her self-worth. The Smith household was Christian but not religious, and instead of forcing Alicia to attend church and practice abstinence, she taught her the value of being a woman and gave her the option to choose the path that she wanted to take in regards to her spiritual beliefs. "She laid them out and she said I can do this or I can do that," she recalls. "But when she talked about virginity and she talked about waiting for your husband, it was just something that I said, you know what, I do want to wait for my husband. I believe that whoever I marry deserves all of me and to share in all of that. So the church had an impact, but my mom really was the one that sparked this journey of virginity for me. I will always thank her, because I think when you force something on someone they rebel against it. And for her to give me the freedom to choose is the thing that was invaluable in my life."
Deciding that she was worth the wait was only half the battle. Taking a vow of purity not only cost her relationships, but also friendships from those unwarrantedly offended by her lifestyle choices to not have sex. She also doesn't drink, a decision she made after her older brother was killed in a drunk driving accident and watching her father battle with alcoholism. “There have been people that I thought were friends that could not handle the fact that I chose not to do certain things. When it comes to something like virginity or not drinking, I am not a judge of anyone. I want people to choose whatever they want to do and personal choice is a beautiful thing. But if you don't want to be my friend because of the choices that I make, I can't really complain about it because you weren't really a friend in the first place."
In high school being tall and being a virgin in a society where neither were positively embraced left Alicia with bouts of depression. To this day, parts of her past are still blacked out. It wasn't until attending college and joining the basketball team where she was surrounded by women striding securely in who they were that she began to view her height as a blessing instead of a curse. "I realized I'm not alone in this and it's actually an amazing thing to be tall. Over time I just looked around and said what am I doing? Why am I believing these lies that these people are telling me? Going forward, I grew in my confidence."
Finding power in her differences allowed her to embrace those who shared her commonalities. In 2007, she started her fashion blog for the tall in hopes to help others who struggled to find stylish threads. “Growing up, I wore boys' hand-me-down clothes because there was nothing for me. And to go from that to the resources that we have now is amazing."
As the site and positive responses grew, so did her voice and the courage to take the blog to new heights by speaking out on the more personal elements to her story, including the struggle with dating as a tall virgin. While her commitment to virginity is admirable, to some men, it's not necessarily desirable. “They think [virgins] aren't sexual people at all and that we don't like sex and that is not true at all. I just want to do it with one person."
Working in the NBA means that the players are off-limits, too, leaving her with those who approach her the wrong way or scaring off those who can't handle a tall woman who's comfortable in four-inch heels.
Despite the odds, Alicia is confident that it'll all play out in her favor. “It's another filter to find who he is," she says. "If someone can't handle confidence and they can't handle me waiting for them, they're not the person that I'm supposed to be with. I'm a firm believer that God leads him to you."
"If someone can't handle confidence and they can't handle me waiting for them, they're not the person that I'm supposed to be with."
But to keep it real, it gets hard. There are moments of impatience and questioning as to when her Boaz will come, especially since motherhood is something that she desires. "I'm imperfect, but at the end of the day, God does have everything planned out even before we're thought of. So all of these tests and trials are there to prepare me for what He has planned for me in the future."
She's not sitting around idly, though. When she's not beasting it on the sidelines at the games, she's walking in her purpose as a voice for those who need to be reminded of the beauty in their individuality, regardless of body type, race, or religious beliefs.
“It is okay to show the world who you are. It is okay to want to be something that isn't the societal norm. Overcoming the fear of being bold, you have to say no that insecure voice. That has helped me become the strong woman that I am."
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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