Why The Backlash On Instagram Star Essena O'Neill Misses The Bigger Picture On Social Media
If we remove the filters from our pictures, do without the skin-smoothing apps, and untag the designers that dress our appearance up on Instagram, what would be left and who would we see?
For many of us, social media provides audiences with an illusion of what life is like. Throw on a smile and find a caption-worthy lyric to pizzazz the images and voila! We have what appears to be a happy, fulfilled individual, free of flaws and living a life of perfection–or so we think.
I’m sure for many of you reading, this movement of hearts and likes has brought about a new, unhealthy wave of validation, with many of us living dual lives, on and off the screen. But what happens when the same person who is looked at as the influencer feels insignificant because of a façade? Social media is the new makeup line on the market and some of us are trying to remove what you think you see.
Up until this week, Essena O’Neill was a 19-year-old Aussie with a colossal following of 500,000 on Instagram, 200,000 on YouTube and 60,000 on SnapChat. That's until she woke up one day and decided to unveil the facade she was selling her followers. Spilling the beans on the real behind her most liked photos, and even deleting a few that didn’t mirror who she was off the web, O’Neill stunned thousands when she decided it was time to live more authentically. Her messages have been one of building a dedicated following and yet finding yourself lost in the masses.
Want the story? It's simple. I spent 12-16 [hours a day] wishing I could receive validation from numbers on a screen. I spent majority of my teen years being self absorbed, trying desperately to please others and feel 'enough'. Spent 16-19[hours a day] editing myself and life to be that beautiful, fitspo, positive, bright girl online. I didn't talk about topics and interests of me, nor did I pursue my childhood talent for writing. I didn't find happiness in social approval, constantly edited and shooting my life. So I decided to quit [and left] educational captions meant to raise awareness, now I want to start something important.
Noted as an Insta-celeb, the teen gave new meaning to the term "behind-the-scenes" when she made the decision to rename her Instagram account, Social Media Is Not Real Life. Shedding light on popular pics–like the one where she amassed 30,000 likes for simply showing off her same frame and a white dress–Essena O’Neill did something courageous when she edited previous captions to reflect her honest thoughts on each photo. In the aforementioned post, O’Neill revealed that she didn’t even pay for the dress and unnecessarily took numerous photos to get the right shot, feeling empty in the end.
Other edited captions unveiled how much she got paid to promote items and called for followers to evaluate just what we consider #goals, when we don’t know the intentions of doing so.
“Took over 100 in similar poses trying to make my stomach look good. Would have hardly eaten that day. Would have yelled at my sister to keep taking them until I was somewhat proud of this. Yep so totally #goals.”“Edit: I put on makeup, curled my hair, tight dress, big uncomfortable jewelry...Took over 50 shots until I got one I thought you might like. Then I edited this one selfie for ages on several apps just so I could feel some social approval from you." THERE IS NOTHING REAL ABOUT THIS. #celebrityconstruct
One heartbreaking post delves into what many mainstream supermodels have to go through, like not eating in order to maintain a flawless look in shoots, and the pressures of trying to paint life as utopia. Essena also described her life as a photo shoot every day, to paint a perfect picture for her followers–Welcome to the life of some of your favorite IG models.
Without realizing, I've spent majority of my teenage life being addicted to social media, social approval, social status, and my physical appearance. Social media, especially how I use it, isn't real. It is a system based on social approval, likes, validation in views, success in followers. It's perfectly orchestrated, self-absorbed judgement.Standing there and looking pretty, is what I once aspired to do as a young girl. In our society, if you are pretty, people give you attention. So I made my appearance my worth.
It’s through the personal revelations and honesty in her revamped move that spawned a her new site, Let’s Be Game Changers. Her aim is powerful and to go from promoting major brands, to messages that need to be heard and heeded to, O’Neill is doing something bigger than what she did before.
“...Why aren't we seeing rapid positive changes? Why isn't our youth waking up each day with a sense of undeniable empowerment to help the world or even a slight interest in global issues? It's simple, it's because we are stuck living in distractions. A 2D world. An addiction to screen life. We believe and obsess over contrived ideas, images and personalities. We live in a celebrity obsessed culture. We walk out into a shopping mall, watch a movie, turn on the TV, search the most popular people on YouTube, and what do we see? We see luxurious living, genetically blessed people, we see new clothes, sexy workout wear, tight abs, toned thighs, perfectly styled hair, painted masks, spray painted bodies. We don't see real life. This celebrity culture based largely on aesthetics has taken over our own individual lives. We talk about these people like we know them, when in reality we know next to nothing about them, their fears, their dreams, their regrets. We put them on a pedestal and enjoy throwing rocks. We like watching them struggle, we mock them, humour ourselves... yet in the same breathe we complain about how we aren't up there with them.”
It is through the thousands of comments of women wanting to be like her that she felt the need to free herself of the suffocating and increasing demand to actively share on social media. The things we give light to and endorse on our pages is one we should check ourselves on from time to time. I, for one, have been swallowed by the need to always be on Twitter, averaging over 10 hours a day last year and forgetting about what matters most in reality. For me, it wasn’t a subconscious need for approval from others, but the desire to build a brand even at the cost of losing human connection. But for millions of men and women, retweets are endorsements, likes are signs of love, and faves are signifiers of validation. O’Neill opens a door where she lets it be known that these aren’t similar sentiments for those in the spotlight. She also highlights a major factor in her success–her skin color.
[Tweet "Retweets are not endorsements and faves are not signifiers of validation"]
“Before I made myself well-known, I studied it relentlessly. My parents argue I would have spent at least 50 hours a week at this so-called hobby...My success was largely in the hands of my white privilege and genetics. I was thin, tanned, toned, blonde, with a big smile and a push-up bra.”
We live in a world where people are catapulted to stardom for “doing nothing,” and Essena is on journey to be more than just a pretty face, citing some of her photos have no substance. What message are we portraying?
For others, Essena O'Neill's recent message isn't resonating and is coated in fraudulence. A family of YouTubers–Nina, Randa, and Willie–have vocalized their thoughts on the Aussie's revelation on Insta-celebs. In their videos, “Essena O'Neill Quitting Social Media Is A Hoax” and “Essena O'Neill Is Fake,” the pair and their brother paint a picture of O'Neill as a liar and says she's doing it all for publicity. And in true social media fashion, others have followed suit, weighing in on how they don't believe any of it, seeing that she's now asking for donations to help pay rent.
Essena's response to the recent and unfortunate backlash was, “I wish they would have come to me personally, not share intimate details of my life. But this is my exact point about social media. People say gossip and rumors to avoid the real problems.” Bingo.
She was also slammed by many who built their careers off of social media, including the CEO of a company called Rise9, which specializes in helping young people and businesses build their following. In a scathing Facebook post, he wrote:
Essena O’Neill is wrong; Social Media isn't a lie.Social Media can be whatever the user desires it to be. Allowing yourself to become pressured into a false life that you're uncomfortable with is the result of your own actions and intent. The inability to define yourself, your life, your own sense of confidence comes from a lack of trying to understand yourself.
Blaming Social Media, calling it a lie, further shows your lack of attempt to understand yourself. Yes, deleting your Social Media is a step in the right direction. Disowning personal responsibility for your own happiness and shifting the blame is a step backwards.
[...]You decide to take money for a dress? That's your choice. You decide to spend hours taking the right photo? That's your choice. You decide to live a life that you feel is a lie? That is absolutely your choice.
Deciding to use Social Media as a tool to tell people Social Media is a lie contradicts that very same notion. Social Media is there to be used for the truth or for the lies. Essena O'Neil needs to find real help instead of redirecting personal responsibility towards mankind's greatest communication tool. I truly hope you do, because Social Media isn't a lie, you were the lie.
Maybe we'll find out if this is all just come big scheme to get more followers as some are arguing (but I can't see how since she's deleted all of her social media accounts including Youtube, Instagram and Snapchat). Maybe others will fall in line and realize that what she said is what's actually important. She could be doing it for the Vine or doing it for numbers, but it won't take away from the validity behind her viral messages these last few days–social media is a craze that manipulates a lot of people's minds. But folks won't admit or double-tap that.
Her message echoes one that a lot of us preach–positivity and living in our truths. It’s easy to like fantasies, but are we loving our realities? “I want to create a site with a community sense of collaboration and desire to help action change; this heavily involves individuals submitting their own game-changing work and ideas, for all of us to share and learn.”
[Tweet "It’s easy to "like" fantasies, but are we loving our realities?"]
Be the change you want to see. There are enough beautiful lies being double-tapped.
Why I think social media sucks from Essena O'Neill on Vimeo.
Share your thoughts with me and the xoTeam in the comment section below! Was Instagram star, Essena O'Neill's social media makeover necessary?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images