I don't know about you, but with every passing birthday, it seems like 24-hour days get shorter and shorter. It's almost like once noon rolls around, it's a wrap for the day, because 7 p.m. is gonna come at me quick, fast, and in a hurry. Since I barely have time to do what I need to get done on my mental checklist, it can be even harder to squeeze in a "What's up, fam?" convo with one of my peeps, no matter how much they might cross my mind throughout the day. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'm over here single with no kids. Most of my friends are married and/or parents which makes scheduling quality time that much more difficult for them to do.
The solution? Dates. Literally going out on dates with my homies because, no matter how many good vibes, texts, or emails I may send their way, in order to properly nurture my connection with them, quality time is required; in many ways, just like a romantic relationship needs it. Because when you think about the purpose of dating overall, isn't getting some quality time what it's all about?
If you're reading this and saying, "I feel you, Shellie, but I'm not sure it takes all that", do yourself and your friendships a favor. At least skim the five reasons why I think it's important to schedule some date time with your girls (and guys), at least one day a month (if you can). I think you'll see why I wholeheartedly believe that your friendships will remain so much healthier if you do.
Dating Is About Scheduling “Intentional Time”
GiphyOne of my closest girlfriends has a crazy schedule. She is married with a child, has a full-time job and is a part of a billion different clubs and organizations. When it comes to my married friends, it's a personal rule of mine to not do much nighttime calling; I feel that should be reserved for them and their family. This leaves maybe talking to her on her way to work or during her lunch break. Needless to say, trying to get some quality time in is a big time challenge. That's why we try and schedule dates.
Whenever we get together for dinner and/or a movie, it's kinda cute how giddy we are. She lets her household know what she's doing so that she can set her phone to vibrate. That way, we can catch up without interruptions. It really is like making up for lost time. Plus, when we get a couple of hours in, it can "tie us over" for six weeks or so. It's a great way to reconnect so that neither one of us ends up feeling neglected in between hectic schedules and busy lives.
You Can Learn More of Each Other’s Likes/Dislikes
Earlier this year, I penned an article entitled "This Is How to Apply Love Languages to Your Friendships". I think it's an important thing to do because even friends need to learn how to express love for one another in a way that they are able to feel it the most. Well, one of the ways that you and your friends can tap into one another's love languages is going on dates that specifically center around them. For instance, if you are a quality time person, one date can focus on the two of you meeting for drinks at a rooftop bar or restaurant. Or, if your friend is primarily a gifts person, the two of you can go to a place that teaches you both how to make pottery or jewelry.
Something that I've personally learned while dating some of my friends is doing so encourages me to not be so passive when it comes to them. It reminds me that they deserve a little creativity and forethought. By trying out new restaurants or venues, we're both able to learn more about what we like and what we don't. By doing that, we are able to learn more about one another's personalities overall. Being proactive, in this way, always brings us closer.
You’re Both Able to Get “Off of the Clock”
When's the last time you were on the phone with, pretty much anyone, and you did absolutely nothing else? The last time I was able to do that was on my birthday, and it was totally on purpose. Where I'm going with this is, contrary to the popular belief that a lot of us women have, NO ONE is able to do more than two things at once and do them extremely well. This means that even when we're chatting with our friends and washing dishes or cleaning our room, we're not able to give them the full attention that they truly deserve.
Another benefit that comes from going on a date with your friends is you can get away from the demands of your hectic lifestyle. The two of you can chill out, relax and really listen to what you're saying and where you're coming from.
This point is a reminder that dating your friends is not only good for the friendship, it can do wonders for your stress levels as well.
It’s the Opportunity to Treat One Another
GiphyAlthough it took me a while to get there, I have some pretty stellar friends in this season of my life. One example is a friend of mine who, when I lost one of my main paying gigs, out of nowhere, he PayPal'ed me $400. No, he didn't loan it; he gave it (and without me asking for it). Life comes at you fast. About three months later, he lost his job. His anniversary was coming up and so I offered to get him and his wife a really nice room at a vineyard. I was more than happy to do it because when he had it, he gave; when I had it, I returned the favor. That's what friends do.
I get that none of us always have hundreds of bucks lying around to lavish our friends with. But a date is another way to treat them—to show them how much you love and appreciate them. It can consist of treating them to dinner, hanging out at a local museum, going to a concert, spending time at a local coffeehouse or bookstore, paying for you both to get a pedicure—idea-wise, the sky is the limit! Whatever it is, without even knowing your friends, I can tell you that by calling them up and saying, "Let's meet up for a bit", it will warm their soul. Just by the mere (proactive) thought alone.
You Can Do Signature “Y’all Stuff”
A lot of us are familiar with the C.S. Lewis quote, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" When I think about all of my friends, each of us like to do things together that no one else really "gets". I get with one of my friends to eat chicken wings and ice cream (not necessarily in that order). One of my other friends and I watch period films and The Little House on the Prairie reruns (Michael Landon as Charles Ingalls was fine; you betta ask somebody!). Another friend of mine, we can discuss politics, music and gossip blogs until the cows come home. One of my closest male friends, we like to try new random stuff.
If I got all of these folks together, they would probably only tolerate the things that I like to do with only one of them. And that's my point.
Another beautiful benefit of dating your friends is you both can do the kind of stuff that no one else would appreciate but y'all. You don't have to explain, justify, or rush. You can just celebrate the fact that you've got someone who "gets you" in the way that they do and spend a couple of hours together relishing in that very fact.
So yeah, date your friends, y'all. It's one of the best things that you can do to keep your friendship healthy, thriving, and long-lasting. I can certainly vouch for that.
Featured image by Giphy.
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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