A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the site entitled, "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP". I'm pretty sure that you can tell from the title that I'm not particularly a fan of faking it. In fact, back in my "getting it in" days, I would have no problem letting a guy know that if he needed more motivation (cue Kelly Rowland) to get me to where I wanted to go. I was down for that more than acting like he was doing what needed to be done.
Still, between all of the counseling that I do, the conversations that I've had and the research that I've done, I am more than just a little bit aware that a whopping 80 percent of women have faked orgasms and 1 out of 4 guys do it too (just because a man ejaculates, that doesn't mean he climaxed; that's another topic for another time, though).
Taking all of this intel into account, I figured that now would be just a good of a time as any to ask some women why they opt to fake it because, as you're about to see, as with most things in life, faking orgasms isn't really a simple black-and-white or cut-and-dried issue. Not by a long shot.
(By the way, I didn't go by middle names this time. The women chose the names themselves. Due to the sensitivity of the topic, I'm pretty sure you can understand why.)
Why Do Women Fake Orgasms?
Gayle, 33. Single.
"I'm gonna be real with you — I fake most of the time because while the men I'm having sex with tell me how good my stuff is, I'm usually not all that impressed with their performance. So, the quickest and easiest way to bring intercourse to a close is to fake it. Otherwise, they'll get to the point of releasing, only to pull out and the cycle starts all over again. Who has time for that?"
Mya. 24. Engaged.
"My issue is there's only one man who has made me cum and it's not my fiancé. And when I cum, girl? It is loud, long, and ugly! Not only that but it takes some pretty, let's go with unconventional thinking, to really get me there and I'm uncomfortable sharing what those acts are with my man. I think it's just easier to fake it than to fully expose myself like that. Also, I've been faking for this long that if my man knew that, I'd be in for some long discussions that I don't want to have. At least not yet."
Leeyah. 28. Married.
"My deal is that I cum, every time, with oral sex. My hubby is the master at that. His stroke? Not so much. He's kind of sensitive about his sexual performance overall and so I figure, so long as I gets mine one way or another, faking can't hurt. Can it?"
Bethaney. 40. Divorced.
"What's crazy is a part of the reason why I'm divorced now is because I used to fake it with my husband. For years, I would, and then, one vacation, he hit my spot…girl, he hit my spot! Because I hadn't reacted quite that way before, he was like, 'Hold up. Have you been faking it all this time?' which led to conversations about trust which opened up Pandora's box about a whole lot of issues. Faking it is a complicated thing."
Angelia. 27. Dating.
"I've been faking it, pretty much ever since I lost my virginity. With the first guy, I didn't know what the hell was going on; all I knew was my friends were always talking about how great orgasms felt and so I thought there would be something wrong with me if I didn't 'play the role.' Then, it just kinda stuck. I do enjoy sex a lot but to this day, I'm not sure if I've ever had an orgasm before. I'm so used to faking it that it's just…a part of who I am."
Jasmina. 45. Married.
"Chile, fake it until you make it — that's my motto! See, I have a system. My husband gets off on me getting off and so, the more I fake having an orgasm from intercourse, the more he'll give me head, and [the] head is what actually gets me there. So, technically, do I even qualify for this interview? Anyway, if any of your readers find themselves in the same boat, I highly recommend my strategy. Faking one way can get you just what you want in other ways."
Eryn. 36. Divorced.
"My reason is probably not a very surprising one. I don't really have sex for the orgasms. I like the intimacy and closeness. I actually can go months without having sex and be just fine with it. But I know men like to feel like they've 'shook the floor,' so I'll fake it so that I can cuddle once it's over. Might sound sad but it's fine with me."
Gem. 35. Dating.
"This is gonna sound weird but it's my truth. There is a man who I've been having sex with for over a decade now. We're long-distance. We don't really want the same things out of life. Real talk, we're not all that compatible except for in the bedroom. There, he's my soulmate. I've been used to having great sex with him for so long that I think there's a 'block' when it comes to me and other men because no matter how hard they try — we both try — I just can't seem to get there with anyone but him. So, I fake it because I don't want to share what I just told you with anyone. I've gotten so used to it that it doesn't even bother me anymore."
Zen. 47. Married.
"OK, I don't fake it all of the time. Well, yes and no. I fake quickies. When you're married and parenting and busy, you don't always have 30 minutes for real foreplay and intercourse. To keep my husband satisfied, I'll oblige a couple of quickies a week to boost his confidence and yes, I'll act like he's blowing my entire back out. Then, when we have time to really get it in, I'll have real orgasms. I'm not sure if he can tell the difference and I sure as hell ain't gonna ask him."
Nina. 39. Dating.
"I don't fake having orgasms; I fake having multiple orgasms. If a man thinks that he can give you those from the start, girl, you will have his ego soaring so much that he'll be down to do whatever you want to do — in and out of the bedroom. So, the first round, I'll shake, yell 'n everything and then when I'm like 'lick my ass,' he's down for it because he wants to see me cum again and again. Faking has some real upsides. You've just gotta know how to work the program." (She literally winked at me after she said it.)
Like I said, faking it has layers and while it's still not something that I'm personally down to do, I get the method behind the madness and the psyche of some. That said, if you've got some other reasons for why you think faking orgasms can work in a woman's favor, please drop it into the comments. The more we all hear each other out, the more we can learn how to be more honest — at least with ourselves. Right?
Featured image by Giphy
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert