This week's episode of Insecure gave us all the Memorial Day weekend feels with Molly and Andrew's tropical baecation. It was just the boost we needed after Issa's failed attempts at "getting over" their friend fight that left off with her walking away from a Molly confrontation.
But back to Sunday's episode, "Lowkey Trippin'" that gave us palm trees, mile-high club, bikinis, balcony sex, umbrella drinks, a 50 Shades-level bedroom scene (Thank you, HBO) and made me miss catching flights and feelings.
Here's what you need to know…
After a week-long wait, we finally got Molly's POV who seemed to be "getting over" the friend fight a bit better than Issa because, hello, baecation. Things got HOT between Molly and Andrew in Mexico, like sex-toys-and-tossing-the-salad HOT. Their bedroom playtime got off to an awkward start since Molly and Andrew had very different ideas of how to spice things up. Eventually, though they got on the same page.
When discussing these sexy scenes with my friends, the overall consensus was that communication is key. Andrew and Molly clearly had very different ideas what "spicing things up" meant. Although short-lived, the awkwardness could have been completely avoided with a quick convo. I know I'd want to be warned if my travel buddy was walking around with a secret sex arsenal that included butt stuff and handcuffs before we get to the bedroom. I'm all for spontaneity, but not when it comes to butt stuff. Let's have a conversation. As for a time frame, I don't do anything by a specific schedule. If it feels, it feels right.
But that's just me and everyone approaches butt stuff and other kinks on their own terms. So, I asked Insecure fans this:
At what point in a relationship do you spice things up in the bedroom? How do you do it?
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
"I think when it comes to 'spicing things up', you have to first communicate if there is anything that is lacking or if both parties' needs are being met. Especially if the relationship is new, why isn't it exciting anymore? After that, I think it's fair game to introduce toys that will add to the experience. It's all about what people are comfortable with." –Sherryll Morton
Keep The Toys Charged For Go Time
"Well, I think there should always be a healthy dialogue about each other's sexual desires. After years of being with the same woman you got to be honest in what you want. The things you watch in private, the thoughts etc. Try to recreate them. There is no specific time where it should be spiced up.
"However, places out of the norm usually gives a thrilling sensation. Why do the same things over and over?
"The bedroom is always going to be there but how often are you on a boat ride, or in a crowded store or in another country with a background only seen in screen savers? Tie me up, spank her, make sure the toys are charged and blow her back out." –James Cameau, Patient Advocate
Have The Sex Conversation BEFORE Sex
"Oh boy, oh boy! You should always be spicy in the bedroom. I think we should be having the sex conversation BEFORE we have sex. Talking about the things we like sexually allows us to decide what's too much for us or what piques our interest.
"In the past I've simply bought toys or games to enhance the sexual experience between me and my partner. It could be something as simple as warming lubricant oil or something more kinky like rope. Either way you have to create a safe space for your partner, set a sexy mood and create a stimulating experience. Get some sex dice, light some candles, roll and go." –AmiyahDeziire, Author, Midnight Confessions
Keep It Spicy From Day One
"From day one, gotta keep 'em guessing. If you start doing extra shit later you're admitting that the relationship has gone stale and need to be shook up. You can't fix it when the thrill is gone." –Michael Gordon, Freelance Videographer
Don’t Wait For Things To Get Stale
"I don't think there is a specific time frame or a certain relationship level. I think that if you are comfortable with the person that you are with, there's always room to try new things.
"There's always this 'Oh, I'm not doing that until I'm married' or 'That's reserved for my man'. When having a deep sexual connection with someone (no matter their title), there's nothing but space and opportunity.
"But if we are speaking in terms of a relationship, I think that you should always feel free to try new things. Don't wait for things to get stale." –Ashlee Graham, Senior Producer, BET Digital
Don't Be Scurred
"This episode was very interesting, yes, but not as kinky as the writers were making it seem. From my point of view, I would say that those items that Andrew had with him on the trip with Molly are definitely the basics and a necessity for sure in any bedroom. That's just me, of course, everyone has different styles, but I like the direction Andrew was headed in [laughs].
"If I had to put a time stamp on when to introduce my style and kink level, I would have to say in the first three months for sure. Again, that's just me. It may sound too fast to some, but I think it's more so about not wasting time and being progressive. It's based on the person you're with, yes, and once y'all reach that point where sex is involved, soon after the talk about preferences can be introduced. Why wait? I think being pleased is the main goal, and what better way to get more satisfied than expressing what you like and don't like with your person. Don't be scared. Tell them what you want and save yourself wasted time with the same old routine." –Sgt. Simone Victor, U.S. Army
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Featured image by Insecure/HBO
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Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
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LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
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VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
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LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
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ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
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SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
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CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
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AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
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PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
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You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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You know, back when I wrote the article, “7 Signs You Have A Toxic Relationship...With Yourself,” one of the things that I said (and wholeheartedly believe) is people who refuse to take accountability for the things that they say and do can be quite dangerous — unhealthy, unsafe, unstable — to be around. Because if you refuse to own your ish, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll repeat it — and others will have to keep suffering (or enduring or tolerating), one way or another, as a direct result.
A business broker by the name of Steven Denn once said, “You can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice.” And although we could honestly just take up a collection and end the article there, if you’re someone who has fallen victim to someone who calls choices “mistakes” and/or you’re someone who mixes those two words around and never really realized how problematic doing so can be — let’s discuss what a mistake is, what a choice is and how it does no one any good to not know the difference between the two.
Y’all, This Is What It Means to Make a Mistake
GiphyIf you were to look up the definitions of the word mistake, you’re probably going to find something that says something along the lines of “an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.” or “a misunderstanding or misconception.” Some synonyms for mistake include words like confusion, miscalculation, omission, delusion, and misinterpretation.
To me, what all of this means is, when someone makes a mistake, there is usually a lot of ignorance involved and ignorance is about not having enough information or the proper training before making a certain decision.
Back when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit organization, some of “my daughters” (which is what I would call my assigned students, for a few different reasons) would try and tell — more like attempt to convince — me that getting pregnant was a mistake. Listen, I once had a daughter whose mom shared her boyfriend with her (yes, literally). I had another daughter whose mom would take her to jail to visit the guy who beat up on her. I had another daughter whose mom and aunt once came to the school to fight a girl on her behalf. SMDH.
So, when it comes to being properly taught about their value, the purpose of sex, and why they should choose their partner’s wisely — I absolutely believe that they were ignorant…and in that realm, having sex (prematurely) was probably a mistake. Getting pregnant, though? Most of them admitted that they had some sort of sex education class prior to becoming sexually active, that they were introduced to birth control methods and, when it came to condoms, specifically, they had access to them and knew how to use them. So, going raw? Was that a mistake or a choice?
And since we all know the consequences of going raw — is getting pregnant without using birth control a mistake or a choice? I mean, I guess we could factor in the carelessness part of the definition of mistake; HOWEVER, to be careless is to be reckless and negligent — and honestly, when you have the information about the pros and cons of something and you ignore that information, again…is that a mistake or a choice?
Now watch how counterproductive at best, risky, and unsafe at worst, it is to say that being careless is a mistake — many of my daughters had more than one child, even before graduating from high school. Why? Well, since they determined in their mind that their first pregnancy was a mistake, they didn’t really take accountability for being careless and so, they ended up repeating the acts that caused them to conceive their first child because if they didn’t have to own what they did the first time, why not do it the second, third or fourth? SMDH. Since it’s all a mistake, they decided that they didn’t really play a role in what goes on in their world. To them, things just…happen. Lies. THE LIES YOU TELL.
In this life, are there things that happen that are beyond your control? Absolutely. Don’t get it twisted, though: reportedly, we all make somewhere around 33,000-35,000 choices a day, choices are the power to select from a set of options, and, more times than not, we have enough information to know which option is better than the other ones that are before us.
Take a friend of mine who, at her big age, I can’t believe how often she runs out of gas. I mean, for years, it’s been the case that she will not only drive around with the gas light on, but she will also tell herself that she has enough gas to get home…only to run out miles away from it. Not every once in a while — a few times a year. And what does she call constantly doing that? A mistake.
How in the world could it be when you know, from experience no less, that your options are (for instance) to put gas in the car well before the light comes on (personally, I try to keep mine at no less than half of a tank andcar experts say that it should never be less than a quarter of a tank full — because you never know) because you’ve run out of gas before? You don’t have insufficient knowledge about this. You are not confused. You are being careless yet being negligent is still a conscious choice.
Now if her gas gauge was broken, it hadn’t been over a week since she went to a gas station and she ran out? That is a mistake — because she didn’t have the information that she needed to make a wise decision. She also did the best she could with what she did know.
And that’s what we need to keep in mind.
An unintentional action is a mistake. Doing something that is rooted in ignorance (although some people choose to remain ignorant because the information is quite accessible to them, so they don’t qualify for this particular point) is a mistake. Being confused about something, moving forward, and it going “left” — that could possibly be a mistake (although doing something when you’re confused about it is potentially chaotic within itself). Because, in all of these instances, you didn’t have the intel that you needed to make a more optimal choice.
Here's what’s wild about what I just said though: More times than not, if it is indeed a genuine mistake, because you are treating it as the actual definition of the word, you will typically choose to learn from it and then avoid making the same mistake again — because it was an actual mistake and self-aware and mature individuals don’t want to do something that they learned wasn’t good to or right for them (and/or others) over and over again. The mistake has already cost them enough.
On the other hand, folks who are just reckless and irresponsible out here? They aren’t making mistakes — they just want to call it that to make it sound better than what is really going on: being harmful as hell…to themselves and probably those who are around them…with as little consequences as possible because they want the pity and passes that oftentimes come when people make…mistakes.
Now, This Is What It Means to Make a Choice
GiphyOn the other hand, this is what it means to make a choice — a choice is about choosing, and choosing is about “selecting from a number of possibilities.” Another definition for choosing is to have a particular want or a desire. Now for people who do irresponsible stuff, all the while calling it a mistake, what they are essentially saying is they don’t have a set of options to make a better decision — yet how can that possibly be true?
Take a couple of clients that I used to have. One of the things that we continued to go round and around about is the wife’s horrendous spending habits. Whenever she would disrespect the budget and buy stuff that she didn’t need, she would call doing so a “mistake.” How is it that when you and your husband discussed how money was to be allotted, what each of you could and could not spend money on each month, and what the rules were, should one of you want to get something that wasn’t in the budget for the month?
Nah sis, you decided that you wanted something more than the peace of your household and so you made the choice to disregard the boundaries and commit financial infidelity (which yes, is absolutely a thing). You want to call it a mistake so that you can act like you weren’t making a conscious decision out of a list of options — and this means that you are telling yourself as well as your husband a bold-faced lie. You could’ve called him. You could’ve saved up. You could’ve waited. Instead, you decided to spend — that was a choice; nothing about it was a mistake.
Here's the thing, though — when you start using the word “choice” instead of “mistake,” isn’t it interesting how much it forces you to mature? That’s because you genuinely have to look yourself in the mirror (even if it’s life’s mirror) and own that, when it came to some really poor decisions that you made, you could’ve and should’ve chosen better — and you decided not to.
AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THAT.
Hmph. This takes me back to the person who I mentioned in the intro. There are so many things that they have done, habitually so, that they keep saying are mistakes. Don’t get me to cussin’ because you’ve done those things so often that you absolutely know that you are dead-ass wrong. Problem is, folks have let you slide so often and so much that you haven’t encountered enough consequences for your actions for you to stop doing the ish that you do and so, as I mentioned earlier, you would rather play the victim and say that you didn’t know any better, over and over again…when what really needs to happen is you need to grow TF up and take some personal accountability.
Which brings me to my next point…
People Who Call “Choices” Mistakes Usually Suck at Taking Personal Accountability
GiphyOver 30,000 choices a day. It really is a wild thing to wrap one’s head around when you really stop to think about it and yet, no wonder so many mental health experts say that our choices make up our reality. It can be something as simple as declaring that you are going to save money and yet you go out to eat for lunch at least three days a week and then DoorDash dinner another two. Now you don’t have enough money to put in your savings account every month. Are you making mistakes or poor choices?
Deciding to drive to a fast food restaurant, driving there, placing an order, pulling out your debit card, paying for the food — right there, you made four choices which gave you four different opportunities to change your mind. Blowing your budget wasn’t a mistake. You chose to do that. If you keep looking at it as a mistake, there’s a pretty good chance that you will never reach your financial goals because you will keep acting like money just keeps disappearing and there isn’t much that you can do about it.
Oh, but as someone who is aggressively saving up this year, take it from me — once you are willing to accept that where you are now is the direct result of your choices, it puts you into a mindset of knowing that you chose to be in your current state; that’s the “bad” news. The good news is you can also choose to get out of it. It will require making some changes, going through some growing pains, and enduring some sacrifices — yet as a wise person once said…in order to have something different, you must do things differently.
Folks who call everything a mistake don’t get this. Folks who grasp that their choices really do alter their lifestyle…they absolutely do. That’s because, rather than trying to avoid accepting that they need to own what they’ve done, they take full accountability — they acknowledge the specific things that they’ve done, they don’t try to deflect or excuse their actions, they don’t shift blame onto other people, they take clear and consistent steps to fix what they messed up and they don’t keep repeating the same actions. Know what else happens to accountable people?
They get that they don’t always get to choose their consequences — and they remain level-headed and gracious about that. They made the choice, they’ve gotta accept what comes with it.
The Role We Play in That Is Providing Consequences for Their So-Called Mistakes
GiphySomething that I mentioned, I believe more than once in the latest book that I wrote, is the fact that sometimes, you have to be willing to be someone’s consequence. What I mean by that is, there are some characters in that offering of mine who are HORRIBLE at taking personal accountability yet, because people never really give them any real consequences for their bad behavior — ones that they like to call mistakes that are actually not just choices but habits at this point — they just keep on doing what they want to do: railroading boundaries, gaslighting, acting like someone did something wrong to them whenever they are told that they are out of line.
And so, since they’ve been arrogantly delusional for so long and called what they are doing mistakes, they don’t really see why they should stop making them — it hasn’t cost them enough to stop making them. And that is why, after a couple of really disrespectful choices that they made at the hands of totally dishonoring my verbalized limits, I decided to be one of their consequences — meaning, if you refuse to make other choices, I refuse to be in your life. You are too unhealthy, unsafe, and unstable to be around for my own sake and, maybe, just maybe, this outcome, at the very least, will teach you to respect other people’s boundaries in the future.
I’ll give you another example. Recently, I saw a T-shirt that made me laugh. It simply said “IDFWPWFWPIDFW.” If you sit with it long enough, I think you’ll be able to figure it out. LOL. And while some folks might think that it’s juvenile to have that mindset, I dunno — I think that there are levels to things like that because, if you’ve got a friend and a person did some really damaging things to them and then you notice some side-eye stuff on your own, I’m not sure why you would want to sit in their lap. At the very least, seems like you’d want to move with some extreme caution. You can be cordial but “f-ck with them”…for what?
And with that, I will wind this down with one more story. I’ve got a friend who, before I even knew her or the guy (a guy who also is a character in my book, by the way), they went out on a date. The date was fine and so they mutually decided to schedule another one. Only, he shot her a blank. No show, no call, plus, he was actually quite flippant when she called him to see what was going on because he shared that he was bowling with some friends and he would talk to her later. Arrogant. Immature. Selfish. Fast forward to years later and — well, just read “The Nice Guy Narcissist” chapter of my book. Chile, as I was living out that chapter, there were times when she was so irritated with him.
When I would tell him, he would say things like, “[Insert name here] loves me. She’s not serious.” Yes, she was. So much in fact that, because she didn’t like how much trauma and drama that he seemed to nonstop cause, when he recently reached out to her on social media, she blocked him. She was fed up. Since knowing him, he had been a reckless person and she was at the point where she wanted him to really get that she didn’t want him in her life. Part of it was because she never really saw how any benefit outweighed the disadvantages in her own world. I’m pretty sure that another part of it is IDFWPWFWPIDFW — and since he had hurt me so much, that was “the icing” of why she was good on him.
Now, if he had treated both of us better — and hell, apologized for not doing so which is also something that he has never done; in fact, he’s someone who likes to play that victim role when his wrongdoings are brought up to him — she probably could help him out in some ways (work-wise). Oh well — that’s one of his consequences for not owning his ish. My moving on is another. Pretty sure karma will have some things in store for him too. Yeah, that’s one thing about seeing conscious choices as mistakes — if you don’t learn, life will make sure that you do…if not immediately, eventually…and oftentimes, life is not very kind.
Yeah, sometimes, the reality is that sometimes, we’ve gotta provide consequences for the people in our lives who are not self-aware enough, self-disciplined enough, self-reflective enough — shoot, HUMBLE ENOUGH to want to own their choices, so that they can make better ones. Sometimes we’ve got to dish out consequences that will cause them to at least pause and ponder over whether not taking accountability is worth the outcome(s) of not doing so.
Consequences are the result of choices — good and bad. Consequences teach us things so that we can (finally) learn.
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A late football player and coach by the name of Paul Bear Bryant once said, “When you make a mistake, there are only three things that you should ever do about it: admit it, learn from it, and don’t repeat it.” If this isn’t what’s going down…your “mistakes” aren’t mistakes — they are poor choices. It’s time to see it for what it is.
No wiggle room. Anymore.
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