It's been some months since that vision board party where you and your friends vowed to manifest the lives you know you deserve. Everyone brought some food, drinks and old magazines. As you cut out images that represent your deep desires and pasted it to a large cardboard, you became excited about the possibilities for this year.
Maybe you went home and hung it up on the bedroom wall so you can look at it every night before going into a dream state. Or, you were bold enough to have it on display in the living room as a constant reminder of the life you want. Every day, you've been holding the vision, taking action steps and being steadfast in faith. Even when your mind started to betray you, you kept a positive attitude. But, let's be honest. Nothing is materializing and you're about to snap!
There's nothing wrong with having a clear vision for how you want to experience life. In the book, Truth, Triumph and Transformation, by Sandra Anne Taylor, she adds, "Life isn't only about making money or owning nice things, and the energy of the world has a far broader purpose. Limiting our viewpoint will actually reduce the profound power that energy and consciousness can bring to your daily life…"
Although you can never separate yourself from the Source of all creation, there are several reasons why the energy is limited or blocked from materializing into your desires.
Your Desires Are Not Aligned with Your Divine Mission
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You are a spirit having a human experience. Spirit is eternal and has chosen to materialize as you for a specific time and reason that goes beyond enjoying physical sensations.
You have unique gifts, skills and talents that are to be shared with the world. No one else has this treasure trove the way you do or can share it like you. When these superpowers are charged with an intention that benefits all creation, you are aligning yourself with your mission.
Maybe you want a certain car to prove that you "made it". You can change your intention to manifest that same car because it will help you travel wherever you need to go to share your gifts with people who need them.
When your desires are aligned with the greatest and highest good for all, the world opens up to you.
Your Eating Habits Lower Your Vibration
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In general, people know having a positive attitude keeps your energy high, and makes it easier to attract what you want. Food is also energy. Either it is increasing your vibration or diminishing it.
Everyone is designed to serve humanity or fulfill their mission in a variety of ways. You may see someone eating junk food all day everyday that can manifest whatever they want in life. But that might not be you. How do you know? Look at your life.
Your present existence is always giving you feedback. And it doesn't lie.
Think of a time when you cut back on sweets and started exercising. Did you have more energy? Did you feel like you were in the flow of life? Did you get more clarity? Were you able to resolve some issues?
Try an experiment. For the next 30 days, choose three items to remove from your diet. They must be things you love, but know you don't have any business eating. And no cheating! Journal daily so you can keep track of any out-of-the-ordinary occurrences.
This experiment will also help release any guilt, shame or judgment you may feel by eating something you think isn't good for you. This will improve your vibration. See, it's already working!
Low-Energy Sexual Partner(s)
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There was a woman who thought her husband gave her a STD. She felt a burning sensation every time they had sex. She visited the doctor several times, and each time, the doctor gave her the same results: Nothing.
Finally, she had a dream, which revealed that she didn't want to be married anymore. Her body was literally communicating to her that he was no longer allowed in the temple. Once she admitted this truth, the symptoms were gone. And so was he. Remember, you have a divine mission, and the entire universe aligns itself to support you in fulfilling it. Free will is a gift and a curse.
You must be honest about the type of partner with whom you have chosen to exchange energy. That's exactly what it is, an exchange of energy.
At some point in your life, you've walked away from relationships because it was too draining. They caused confusion. You were on their emotional roller coaster. And at the end of the day, the relationship was all about you being there for them. This is part of Energy Vampire-ism. More on that later.
For right now, the question is: Are you receiving loving, healthy energy that helps sustain your high vibration or even increase it? If not, then you have to choose: Do you want short-term physical satisfaction or live a better quality of life?
Truth be told: Your intuition told you about them when they opened their mouth to speak to you. So, you know what to do.
Unhealthy Relationship with Money
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Have you ever wanted a certain amount of money and got it? How did it feel? It probably felt like heaven – for a moment. But then, you noticed that high is steadily dissipating into one of two things: uneasiness or boredom.
If you feel a little anxious after receiving money, then it might be because you know another financial problem is just around the corner.
This can become a vicious cycle – need some money, receive money, spend money, and broke again. You're in a constant state of worry and may sacrifice self-love and self-respect to get your needs met. You accept less pay, work in an unhealthy environment or succumb to other conditions that compromise your well-being. Your life is focused on surviving, not thriving at the highest level of existence.
Or, your bills are paid and you have a certain amount of "disposable income." And so, you throw it away on meaningless items. Your direct deposit hits midnight Friday. By Monday morning, you're out $300 and have nothing of real value to show for it. Money has no real meaning to you.
The money you have now is the materialization of Spirit. Be grateful. Pay your bills with appreciation.
Never say you don't have enough because that paycheck was never meant to make you rich. It was to pay you for a service. That's it. The infinite Presence of the Most High is the Source of all wealth, which includes prosperity, divine health, and relationships, love, joy, creativity, success, etc.
Does your monthly bank statement reflect your beliefs and principles? Every time you purchase something, it is an investment in your values. At its best, money is a spiritual tool supporting you to fulfill your mission. Charge your money with an intention to use it to serve your higher calling. The energy will flow with a greater purpose and will be aligned with the Universe.
Energy Vampire-ism
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Energy is the force that fuels all life. You can't exist without it. Our society thrives on the exchange of energy. We trade time, gifts and talents for payment. We barter our resources for a variety of reasons. College students intern for free to receive exposure and invaluable skill sets. On the other end of the spectrum, once there was a male friend who paid an electricity bill on a monthly basis in exchange for guaranteed sex.
Constantly trading resources to get our needs met can condition us to think our source of energy should come from another person. When this happens, there are usually unmet expectations and hurt feelings.
Your partner expects you to make them happy even though they have no clue about what brings them joy. A boss tells you he/she is disappointed with your performance as if your actions control how they feel. That's a sneaky one. Your work performance may not meet the requirements, but your boss must manage him/her own emotional response to it, not you. Don't let your boss program you to think it's your responsibility to make them happy through your work. Anyway...
This type of energy vampire-ism is noticeable because you'll feel tired and weary. What about energy vampires that are undetectable?
It can be argued the worst energy vampire is the energy of indifference and idleness.
How much time do you spend on social media or online? You've had the experience of checking some celeb's page, and an hour later, you're looking at something stupid, just killing time. Or you accept a phone call your intuition told you to decline. You listen to them talk and may even have a few laughs. Afterwards, you're not drained, but you're not energized either. In fact, if you had not answered the call, your life wouldn't have missed it.
You think no harm was done. Well, time is an illusion.
All you have is now. You breathe now. Your heart beats now. You exist in the now. And if you're spending all of your existence on frivolous things that doesn't move you closer to your vision, you aren't harnessing the energy necessary to attract what you really want.
For the next 30 days, limit your social and online playtime to one hour a day. Then, record in your journal your daily accomplishments. You will be able to track your energy investments, and your progress to manifesting your desires.
As Taylor says in the book, "You can deny it if you want, but you do have an eternal identity; and your soul has its own intentions. Unfortunately, they may be entirely different from your personal intentions of making money or achieving success. The truth is that when you align your soul's intention with your goals, you'll unlock all the mysteries and open the door to ultimate abundance."
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Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on May 16, 2019.
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Yaminah Ahmad is a former entertainment publicist, now loving life as a Reiki practitioner and writer. She spends her time studying other healing modalities, hoping to find the secret gateway to Wakanda.
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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1 In 4 Men And Women Are Faking It—Science Explains How To Change That
It’s no secret that I can’t stand fake orgasms. There are a billion reasons why — some of which I will get into in just a moment. For now, what I will say is, even if you can rationalize that faking orgasms will “get you out of” the sex that you may be having at the moment, when it comes to long-term satisfaction and benefits, how is faking it really going to get you anywhere? At least anywhere good — which is what you totally and absolutely deserve.
And that is why, while I was recently out in cyberspace seeing what the topic of sex had to offer (of merit), a particular study especially caught my attention. The reason why is because, while the topic of faking orgasms has been explored, pretty much ad nauseam at this point, what I haven’t personally seen a lot and enough of is how to stop them from happening so much and when people do them, what personally caused them to in the first place.
Today, we’re going to strive to get down to the root of some of those queries. And so, if you’ve always been curious about how to make the cycle of faking orgasms stop, this piece just might shed a little light. Here’s hoping anyway, chile.
Faking Orgasms. Why I Loathe It So.
GiphyDo you ever stop to think about certain songs from back in the day and wonder if they were released now, would people try to cancel them (hmph, as if this culture ever really cancels anybody for really anything, right?)? An example of what I mean is Alexander O’Neal’s song, “Fake”. If you’re too young to know it, or it’s been a while since you’ve heard it, feel free to go back and listen to the lyrics in order to grasp where I am coming from.
And why am I bringing it up in the context of today’s conversation? Well, whenever I think about folks faking orgasms, that song almost instantly plays in the background of my mind because, while he’s basically talking about the word from the definition of “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc.,” when I think of “faking it” in a sexual way, definitions like “to deceive,” “to pretend” and “anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is” are what I ponder — because y’all, I don’t care how many people do it, how can any of those definitions truly be good, right or helpful when it comes to copulation? Deceiving your partner into thinking that you climaxed when you actually didn’t? Pretending to be satisfied when you actually aren’t? Making sex appear like it’s one kind of experience for you when it actually…isn’t? SMDH. Yeah, that is something that I can never personally get behind, which is why I once penned, “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” for the platform. To me, since sex is about establishing a profound mental, emotional, and physical connection, how can that truly and authentically happen if one or both involved individuals are not being honest with each other about what they want, need and desire in order to make that happen?
Yeah, when it comes to the ever so popular fake orgasms, I’ll pass and will forever encourage others to do the same.
Faking Orgasms. Why So Many People Do It.
GiphyHere’s what’s wild, though — even if what I just said made complete and total sense to you, there’s still a really good chance that you’ve faked at least one orgasm before (check out “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”). Know what else? There’s also a good chance that your partner has done the same (check out “Men Fake Orgasms (And 14 Other Semi-Random Things About Them In Bed)”. And why is it that so many continue to do it, even if, in the back of their mind, they believe that it’s at least somewhat counterproductive?
Well, from the personal conversations (and coaching sessions) that I’ve had with both men and women, the top reason for why so many men fake orgasms is because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by telling them that the sex isn’t as good as they might think that it is, and when it comes to women, they fake in order to hurry up and get the experience over with — which, when you really think about it, for both genders, the motives are pretty much two sides of the same coin: people not being satisfied and trying to avoid sharing that reality with their partner.
OK, butwhat does science say is the main cause for men and women faking it? Well, a top reason for whya lot of men decide to go that route is because they simply want to get the experience over with (although being unable to orgasm due to drunkenness, medication, and/or boredom ranked pretty highly, too). And women? Difficulty achieving an orgasm is the biggest one (check out “How Can You Know For Sure That You've Had An Orgasm?” and “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”). Hmph, when I stop to take this all in, I find both reasons to be unfortunate. On the male tip, is it just me, or does it seem like there is a real disconnect of intimacy if that is why men fake it? What I mean by that is, if you’d rather “hurry up and get done” — are you having sex with your partner or at your partner (some of y’all will catch that later)? And, as far as the ladies go, if you are so uncomfortable and/or self-conscious and/or embarrassed about not being able to climax to the point that you will lie and say that you did — do you trust your partner enough to tell him the truth and then are you willing to work through the process of achieving an orgasm…together?
These types of questions are what piqued my curiosity when I happened upon a study of over 11,000 participants that transpired over in the UK. The focal point of it? Since faking orgasms is so prevalent, what actually causes people to stop? Because listen, none of us are actually going to get anywhere if we only focus on the problem and don’t seek to find some sort of solution (lawd).
Faking Orgasms. What Actually Makes People Stop.
GiphyOK, so from what I’ve read and researched, The Journal of Sex Research hassemi-recently published the study that I was just referring to. Before we get into what caused people to stop lying — umm, faking orgasms, check out these findings first:
·51 percent of participants claimed to have never faked an orgasm before
·Close to 66 percent of men and 34 percent of women say that they have faked an orgasm
·Almost 19 percent of men and 35 percent of women say that although they have faked one in the past, they have since stopped
·Almost nine percent of men and 20 percent of women are currently “faking it”
Yeah, I already know. The discrepancies between the men and women are quite noticeable. Let’s keep going, though, because the reason for why men and women decided to stop is the main reason why we’re all here — plus, it’s pretty interesting.
So, when it comes to the demographic of individuals who no longer fake it, what brought them to that point and place? Fascinatingly enough, around 26 percent of both men and women said that the communication between them and their partner improved while 24 percent of both men and women said that it was because their partner became more attentive. Well looka there — when couples connected on a mental and emotional level, the physical aspect of sex got better. Some other points did come into play, though:
·Around 29 percent of women and 25 percent of men decided to be content without having an orgasm
·Around 19 percent of men and 18 percent of women decided to get orgasms on their own (i.e., masturbate)
·Around 19 percent of men and (wow) two percent of women were caught faking it
·Around 15 percent of men and 10 percent are currently not having sex
OK, so when you read all of that, what tripped you out the most? As someone who works with married couples and is a huge advocate of them gettingthe most pleasure possible out of their sexual experiences, honestly, the first three (because, if you are married, please don’t settle fora sexless dynamic). I’ll break down why for each one.
First, if you used to fake orgasms and no longer do because you have settled for — pardon the pun — anti-climatic copulation…settling is exactly what you are doing. Listen, even if you’re not able to achieve a vaginal orgasm (and many women are not), it’s important to remember that there are oh so many other kinds to choose from (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”). And what if you’ve tried those and still there are nofireworks? Make an appointment to see your doctor (to get your hormone levels checked) and/or a sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). Remember, the reason whyyou have a clitoris is so that you can experience the heights of sexual pleasure. If that’s not happening for you, it’s important to do all that you can to get to the root of why.
Secondly, not faking it because you have taken matters into your own hands — literally. So, here’s my issue with that. Unfortunately, our culture is so lust-crazed that we tend to forget (or is it ignore?) that sex shouldn’t ONLY be about cumming; sex should also be about connecting. And so, while masturbation may help you out in the climaxing department, it’s essential to not get so used to it that you fail to bond with your partner or that you put up walls of resentment because there are things that are happening when you’re alone that aren’t happening when the two of you are together. In other words, don’t let jacking off or solo sex toy experiences get in the way of heartfelt and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual needs (check out “How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom” and “Sooo...What's Your Favorite TYPE Of Sex?”).
Finally, getting caught lying — again, I mean, faking it. Yeah, I know that I’m not the only one who noticed that there is a pretty big difference between how many women caught their man acting like he had an orgasm when he didn’t vs. how many men noticed that their lady acting like she had an orgasm when she didn’t. To that, let me first say that if you thought, “If a man ejaculated, he came. Duh” — look updry orgasms sometime. Believe it or not, it is possible for men to orgasm without cumming. And to the fellas (who may be reading this): I continue to be amazed by how you can’t tell if a woman is faking it because even if she is yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs, if her vagina isn’t contracting, guess what? Yeah, between that and extra lubrication coming from her vaginal area —those are pretty common signs that an orgasm has transpired; this basically means that if you don’t notice these things going down, how attentive of a sex partner are you? #justsaying3 Tips to Avoid Faking Orgasms
GiphyNow that you know what science says about why people fake orgasms, did any of the intel surprise you? More importantly, if you can personally relate to what was said, did any of the information inspire you to make some changes in your own sex life? Yeah, if faking orgasms is indeed a thing in your own world right now, as I close this out, here's three quick tips:
1. Remember the definitions of fake. Never forget them. Deception. Pretending. Making something look like something that it is not. No time to get into all of this today, yet I have worked with many people who fake orgasms and…fake other things in their relationship. You don’t want to deceive your partner or yourself. It’s not going to help the relationship. Ultimately, it’s only going to cause hurt and/or harm. Communicate your thoughts and feelings in the way that you would like to hear someone convey theirs to you (respectfully, thoughtfully, etc.); do make sure to share them, though.
2. Stop “performing”. Start being REAL. Know who fakes a lot of orgasms? Porn actors (I prefer to call them that over “porn stars”). That’s because sex work is…work; it’s a billion-dollar industry that people get paid to act like sex is always the bomb. You’re not a porn actor, so why put that kind of pressure on yourself? No matter what the reasons are for why an orgasm isn’t coming for you, if you are having sex with someone who can’t handle the realness of the reasons or “worse”, doesn’t care — don’t put that on the sex or yourself. Sis, you are simply sleeping with the wrong person/people.
3. If you build it, one way or another, it will come…and you will cum.Do orgasms come easier for some than others? 1000 and 10 percent. That is absolutely not the point, though. If experiencing this type of pleasure is what you long for, with the help of your intentions, your partner’s willingness, and if need be, professional assistance, you can get there. Not by faking it — by being honest about the fact that you need more time, patience, and empathy.
____
Clearly, faking orgasms is a common thing; that doesn’t mean that it has to be the case for you, though. As you unpack what has made you start, process how to make it all stop.
Hmph. Better to take a while in order to experience what true bliss feels like than to keep faking it and never really know.
Words to live — and lie down — by. #wink
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