![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Sex Life](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8zMTk2NTM5NS9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc1MTU2NTcxMX0.FVdONOtPW6_ESwm8OuniT41lZCg0h7gntqLmUpfnxoo/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C0%2C0%2C354)
What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Sex Life
You know that feeling you get when you anxiously wait by the phone for days after an amazing first date or the rollercoaster of emotions you go through when your lover didn’t text you “right back?” What if I told you that you’re not completely cuckoo and how you respond in situations like these can be traced back to your childhood? When someone you're interested in doesn’t show up or communicate consistently, it can be triggering AF. We begin to play out all types of scenarios in our heads. These feelings of abandonment can be linked back to our relationship with our parents in our formative years. I present to you: attachment styles.
Attachment styles are characterized by different ways of interacting and behaving in relationships. During early childhood, attachment styles are developed based on how children and parents interact. Many psychologists believe that our adult personalities are unconsciously planted in our childhood experiences. The way we relate to others is believed to have been established in our very first relationships—typically with our parents. Our attachment style is thought to be based on how well our parents met our emotional needs in early life, as a result, we developed social coping habits that determine our interactions. The concept of attachment styles emerged throughout the 1960s and 1970s from the work of John Bowlby, who studied infant responses to their mothers’ leaving and babies’ reactions upon return. The theory suggests that the emotional bonds between mothers and infants influence emotional bonds in adult intimate relationships.
In adulthood, attachment styles are used to describe patterns of attachment in romantic relationships. Understanding the push and pull of the dating world is made a million times easier once we understand how we relate or "attach" to others. Attachment styles can be a useful tool in helping us understand why we feel and act the way we do in relationships. There are four attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant/disorganized) that predict how we show up in relationships.
Understanding our attachment styles can also be extremely beneficial in predicting how we show up in our sex lives as well.
Anxious Attachment
Individuals with the anxious attachment style are fear driven. They are the ones who worry about their partner leaving, falling out of love, or finding someone “better.” They also tend to seek approval and make decisions based on making the other person happy as a perceived way of keeping them from leaving. Anxious types usually have lower self-esteem and carry a fear of abandonment with them into many of their relationships. This low self-esteem often translates to the bedroom as well.
Anxious types often overthink their partner’s actions and sometimes get caught in obsessive thoughts, so sex can actually be overwhelming for them. Even though anxious types crave intimacy and fear abandonment, they often struggle to actually reach true intimacy because they rarely show their authentic selves. They are so preoccupied with trying to please the other person that they struggle to let who they are shine through. These individuals are also more at risk for STIs, sexual assault, romantic obsession, and compromises in their sexuality, such as allowing people to cross previously set boundaries, or not being clear about their need for self-protection.
Adene Sanchez/Getty Images
Avoidant Attachment
Unlike those with anxious attachment, avoidant types have higher self-esteem and don’t look for outward approval, but have difficulty trusting people or asking for help. Avoidant attachment folks are uncomfortable with opening up out of fear of becoming emotionally close to people, especially romantic partners. They avoid intimacy and therefore tend to pull away from people who want to be intimate with them. Because the avoidant type finds intimacy uncomfortable, they are great at compartmentalizing sex as something that is purely physical.
Avoidant attachment individuals also use sex as a way of avoiding conflict or emotional conversation within a relationship. One study found this attachment style to have poor communication when it comes to discussing sex with a partner. Having conversations about sex requires a level of vulnerability and emotional intimacy and they avoid that at all costs. Avoidant attachment types are less interested in long-term relationships and may act impulsively when it comes to sex. They are more likely to seek casual sex out of fear of intimacy.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
Fearful-avoidant, or disorganized, attachment is the combination of anxious and avoidant attachments so they basically have a hard time trusting partners and operate out of fear in their relationships. Similarly to anxious attachment, fearful-avoidant types long for intimacy but fear it. They fear abandonment and rejection from their partners, but their fear causes them to sometimes pull away or close themselves off. When it comes to sex, this group struggles with low self-esteem and sometimes doesn’t feel they’re deserving of love and intimacy. This can lead to a back and forth of wanting to keep a partner from abandoning them, but then pushing them away if they ask for intimacy because of the belief they aren’t deserving of it.
They often look to sex to meet their needs of feeling loved, but they may seek out sex that lacks emotional intimacy as a way of avoiding it. This type longs for sex within the context of a long-term relationship, but their negative beliefs of themselves often keep them from pursuing this. Individuals are less likely to connect on an intimate level. They may steer clear of demonstrating affection or responding to a partner’s needs. Sex, therefore, is more of a transactional experience, removed of its emotional intimacy, and serving personal needs such as stress relief.
LaylaBird/Getty Images
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment have the healthiest levels of trust within relationships and find peace in being intimate with those they trust. They often have high levels of self-esteem and a high sense of self-worth. They can appreciate affirmations and assurance from their partners, but they don’t feel the need to use this validation as the foundation for how they feel about themselves.
When it comes to sex, securely attached people feel comfortable in who they are and can enjoy sex in the present moment. They don’t find their minds becoming as preoccupied with trying to keep their partner interested, and they feel as though they can pursue intimacy comfortably. Whether they’re engaging in sex in a committed relationship or casually, secure types feel a strong sense of who they are that allows them to fully enjoy the moment and communicate with themselves and those they have sex with.
It’s easy for people with secure attachment to obtain intimacy. They can respond to a partner’s sexual preferences without compromising on their own needs and desires. They often have a confident approach to sexuality, allowing for exploration and play that fosters longevity in a relationship. Their secure sense of self allows them to express their emotions with others and facilitates emotional bonding.
How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style as an Adult
Not everyone is secure with themselves or in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you can’t develop a secure attachment over time. Even if you didn't have an upbringing that fostered a secure attachment style and you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it's still possible to develop a secure one as an adult. Access your current attachment style and its effects on your current relationships and develop emotional awareness of how you feel about yourself.
The first step to having a secure attachment style is to actively work on the relationship you have with yourself. Work on healing from past traumas or negative experiences in therapy. Therapy can assist with helping to purge toxic relationships and build healthy habits that will give you the necessary tools to help you be more secure in relationships.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by svetikd/Getty Images
Black women are not a monolith. We all are deserving of healing and wholeness despite what we've been through, how much money we have in the bank, or what we look like. Most importantly, we are enough—even when we are not working, earning, or serving.
Welcome to Black Girl Whole, your space to find the wellness routine that aligns with you! This brand-new marketplace by xoNecole is a safe space for Black women to activate their healing, find the inspiration to rest, and receive reassurance that we are one small act away from finding our happiness.
Want to discover where you are on your wellness journey? You don't have to look far. In partnership with European Wax Center, we're bringing you a customized wellness quiz to help you up your wellness game. Answer our short series of questions to figure out which type of wellness lover you are, what you need to bring more balance into your life, and then go deeper by shopping products geared towards clearing your mind, healing your body, and soothing your spirit.
Ready to get whole? Take our quiz now!
I've Lived In Spain For 3 Years & This Stunning City Is An Absolute Must To Travel To
Vibrant streets adorned with colorful buildings, fragrant orange trees, and charming cafes surround the world’s largest Gothic Cathedral. If you have Spain on your mind, the southern city of Seville will instantly capture your heart and leave you coming back for more.
I might be incredibly biased, but after living in Spain for three years and traveling the entire country, the region of Andalusia is my favorite–no contest! Making a visit to its capital, Seville, is an absolute must.
While cities like Barcelona or Madrid get all of the attention, the region of Andalusia is home to some of the most iconic aspects of Spanish culture, and in Seville, you’ll find them in full effect.
Known for its lively culture, expect to see locals gather in the evenings to enjoy pulsating flamenco shows on the street and indulge in delicious tapas. You’ll be taken aback by the stunning architecture, a unique blend of Spanish and Moroccan styles – an ode to the history of Moorish rule in the region for 800 years.
To prepare you for your first time in the Spanish city, here's everything to know about traveling to Seville.
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
La Catedral
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
What To Do in Seville
Stroll the streets of Santa Cruz and Triana.
Is there a better way to get to know a city than to get completely lost? Who needs a map? In Seville’s case, it will be extra easy because many of the interior streets are built like mazes–thank the Moors for that one! So okay, maybe bringing a map isn’t a bad idea. I highly recommend strolling through the neighborhoods of Santa Cruz and Triana.
Visit La Catedral.
They were not playing games with this one. The Sevillanos wanted to build a cathedral as opulent and beautiful as was humanly possible–which apparently took them 101 years to achieve. But SUCCESS! Because this cathedral is the third largest in the world (the first one being the literal Vatican), and it’s also a UNESCO heritage site! It’s impossible to walk around the Santa Cruz area and NOT see it. During Seville’s world-famous Easter processions, the largest and most famous in all of Spain, this cathedral takes center stage.
Tour the Alcazar.
While you’re in the neighborhood, head over to another MUST-SEE: the Alcazar of Seville. If it’s summer, buy your tickets ahead of time to avoid standing in the sun. If you didn’t think ahead, it’s okay.
The line moves quickly, but bring water and a hand fan like a true Española because this city gets HOT. Inside this ancient palace, you’ll find an architectural masterpiece started by the Moors in the 10th century with a mix of Mudéjar and gothic styles. It's very fancy and a great spot for Instagram shots.
The Alcazar of Seville
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Have a photoshoot at Plaza de España.
No visit to Seville is complete without a visit to Plaza de España. This spot is iconic and has appeared in many films–including Star Wars! It has four bridges that represent the ancient kingdoms of Spain and 48 benches for each province in the country. You can paddle around the plaza or simply take a nice stroll. But watch out, there’s a ton of horse-drawn carriages here, and with horses comes something you wouldn’t want to step in.
Culture Shock Alert:
Y’all, when I first moved to Spain, they included a section on staring in my orientation. I still wasn’t prepared for how much it might happen. My colleagues explained to me that in Spain, it’s totally normal to stare at people if you find something interesting about them, like their shirt, or are just bored and need something to look at. It’s not weird to them at all, but if you’re coming from The States, and especially as a Black person, it can initially feel uncomfortable.
Plaza de España
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Plaza de España
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Relax in Parque de María Luisa.
Just across the way from Plaza de España, you’ll find Parque de María Luisa overflowing with exotic greenery, fragrant orange trees, Moorish fountains, and decorative benches (a.k.a. there will be tons of places to sit under shade in the summer). It will also take you right along the Guadalquivir River.
Stroll along the Guadalquivir River.
If you come in summer and it’s too hot to deal with or if you simply want a nice area to stroll away from the center, head down to the Guadalquivir River. Next to the Puente de Triana behind Mercado Lonja del Barranco, you’ll also find tons of people laying out with picnics and beverages. Bring a bocadillo (Spanish for "sandwich") and a bottle of wine to do as the Sevillanos do.
Guadalquivir River
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Guadalquivir River
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Check out the Real Plaza de Toros.
On your walk along the river, you’ll find many famous stops like the Real Plaza de Toros. It is home to one of the most famous bullfighting festivals in the world, but you don’t have to watch that to check out the cultural icon. (In fact, if you’re not ready to see many bulls die, it’s best if you don’t.) If you’re interested in the tradition without the gore, there is a museum you can visit to learn about bullfighting in Spain, and you can also tour the grounds.
Watch the sunset behind Torre del Oro.
Another spot you’ll pass on your walk along the river is the Torre del Oro, or the Tower of Gold. Some say it has this name because of its golden reflection along the river, others say it was once covered in gold tiles. I recommend a visit at sunset when its golden hues shine against the turning sky. Inside you’ll find a small museum about local maritime folklore. If this is not something you’re interested in, it’s enough just to see it from the outside.
Torre del Oro
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Watch a flamenco show.
Flamenco was born and raised in Andalusia, and Seville is one of the best places to watch a flamenco show in Spain. Check out popular venues like Museo del Baile Flamenco, Tablao Flamenco, or La Casa del Flamenco for a show.
Find some shade under the Metropol Parasol.
This mushroom-shaped icon is the largest wooden structure in the world and offers great aerial views of Seville. They’ve also recently installed an “I love Sevilla” sign in front of it, to take the ultimate tourist photo.
Metropol Parasol
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
When To Eat in Spain: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner Times
Eating in Spain is serious business, and there are so many amazing dishes to try, I could probably write a whole article about it. As someone from the U.S., where you can eat pancakes for dinner and steak for breakfast, it was shocking to me to find that people in Spain eat certain things at certain times, and it’s very weird to eat off that schedule. You might not even find anything open besides tourist traps. Let’s get into it.
Breakfast: 7 a.m. - 12 p.m.
In Spain, this is the smallest meal of the day and typically consists of fresh bakery bread or pastries with coffee or juice. Locals may eat fruit, churros, sandwiches on half-baguettes, or an open-toasted baguette with toppings. My favorite combo is olive oil, crushed tomato, and Spanish ham.
Breakfast in Spain
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Spanish ham
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Lunch: 2 p.m. - 4 p.m.
The biggest meal of the day in Spain starts at 2 p.m., and in general, most local places will stop serving food around 4 p.m. Midweek, you can usually find a menu of the day at this time that will include salad, bread, an appetizer, a main dish, dessert, and a coffee all for like 10 euros! If you want to try paella, this is the best time to do it. Don’t miss this meal time as there will not be anything substantial to eat until 8 p.m. except at tourist traps.
Paella
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Merienda (afternoon snack): 5 p.m. - 8 p.m.
This is a perfect time for a sweet treat like churros, ice cream, or a pastry. You could also opt for savory bites like olives, cured meats, and cheeses, another small sandwich, or something on the sweeter side, like churros con chocolate.
Dinner: 8 p.m. - 1 a.m.
This is when the famous Spanish tapa comes out to play. A tapa is like a small portion of Spanish food. You can go from bar to bar, ordering a drink and a tapa at each bar. You can also order rounds of tapas at one bar, savoring the variety while you enjoy rowdy conversations with friends.
The common practice is to order several for the table, and I love it because that way, you get to try more things.
Where To Eat in Seville
With an abundance of fresh local ingredients like seafood, olive oil, and vegetables, you'll quickly fall in love with the delicious local cuisine. Make sure to hit up restaurants like Taberna del Arenal, Casa Paco, and Bar Casa Morales for mouthwatering plates.
Tapas to try:
- Tortilla de patatas: Spanish omelette
- Croquetas: Croquettes, my favorite ones are the ham ones
- Gambas al ajillo or gambas al pil pil: Shrimp in a garlic sauce or paprika sauce
- Patatas Bravas: Potatoes with a spicy sauce
- Jamón: Cured Spanish ham
- Queso Manchego: Aged sheep cheese
- Ensaladilla rusa: Potato salad made sometimes with shrimp (I know. I know. But don’t knock it til you try it!)
- Cola de Rabo: Oxtail
- Pan con tomate: Freshly toasted bread with an olive oil drizzle and crushed local tomatoes
Gambas al ajillo
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Culture Shock Alert:
Service in Spain is very different from the United States, especially in more traditional areas like Andalusia. This is because there are different cultural expectations. For one, the servers get salaries, they don’t live off tips. And on the other hand, in Spain, meal times are about relaxation, connection, and good company.
It’s not out of the realm of possibility for you to spend 2-3 hours just laughing and drinking with friends, and no one will rush you out the door. In Spain, they value conversation and connection at mealtime so much, it even has a name “sobremesa,” and it would be rude to get up from your table without it. In that sense, your server might not come around often because they don’t want to interrupt or rush your good time. So don’t be afraid to flag them down!
When To Visit Seville
No matter when you visit Seville, you will fall in love, but different months are great for different activities.
So what are you looking for?
Mild weather, less tourists, and cheaper prices? Try November-March but bring a jacket because it can get chilly.
Lively crowds?
You’ll see tons of people out in the summer months. BUT BEWARE OF THE HEAT. It is like a hot, wet blanket and is the worst during the hours of 2 and 5 (siesta time). So if you visit during this time, bring cool clothing, a hand fan, drink tons of water, and go indoors during siesta to rest and have lunch.
Architecture in Seville
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Architecture in Seville
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Architecture in Seville
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Architecture in Seville
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
For a cultural tradition?
Come in April! First off, the month kicks off with Semana Santa. A week-long religious celebration with traditional processions dating back to medieval times. Even if you are not religious, this is an iconic cultural event to witness and the biggest one in all of Spain. From morning to night, you will witness traditions and processions throughout the streets of Seville. IT. IS. INCREDIBLE.
Culture Shock Alert:
The costumes for Semana Santa are eerily reminiscent of the KKK. The Spanish used it long before the KKK ruined the association, but I won’t lie, y’all, it was shocking to see at first.
A few weeks after Semana Santa is La Feria de Abril (The April Fair), a celebration of spring. Locals will don their traditional Sevillano attire, and you can join in the fun. This is also one of the most emblematic ferias in Spain.
Warning: It is expensive to stay in the area during this time. So booking far in advance is recommended.
La Catedral
Ambar Mejia/xoNecole
Suggested Day Trips From Seville
I recommend Cadiz during summer if you’re looking to hit the beach in a colorful city or in February if you want to enjoy the biggest Carnaval in continental Spain. If you’re looking for a charming mountaintop town or a nice hike during fall, check out Ronda.
Lastly, if you want to explore more Moorish history and architecture, head to Cordoba.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Ambar Mejia/xoNecole