

It was several years ago when I realized that I no longer had edges on the left side of my head. I was completely bald with patches of hair, and it looked as awful as I felt. What I was experiencing looked very similar to what Naomi Campbell went through back in 2010.
I cried for weeks after realizing that I was balding, and I felt absolutely powerless.
After a while, I knew that I had to do something to regrow my hair, so I put on my big girl pants, and made a doctors appointment.
Following an examination, my doctor gave me some iron pills and told me to ditch the weaves. After a few months of TLC, and a haircut, my edges were healthier and stronger. But the frightening experience is one I'll never forget.
What I was suffering from, and what Naomi was suffering from in that infamous 2010 photo, is called traction alopecia, and it's not a laughing matter. Many black women suffer from the same medical issue, and there are a number reasons why, including stress and the methods used to care for black hair.
Alopecia is a medical term for hair loss. There are many types of alopecia, but the kinds that impact black women the most are traction alopecia, which happens when the edges of your hair start balding, and alopecia caused by chemical straighteners.
Telling black women to give up braiding their hair, or to stop using chemical relaxers and straighteners, is easier said than done. One reason being is that many employers have imposed unrealistic hair standards on black women, and it has been happening for decades.
History proved that as black women followed their employer's hair standards in order to keep getting their checks, they sometimes ended up bald or balding, and what woman really wants that?
HOW EMPLOYERS KILLED BLACK WOMEN'S HAIR
If you look at a black woman with a curly hair texture, you'll notice that her hair naturally grows upward and outward, but a lot of people don't realize that, especially some employers.
Even with minimal education on black hair, some employers still do not feel black women rocking afros, because they see the style as "political," "faddish," or "exaggerated." For instance, back in 2007, a Glamour Magazine editor, who offered some workplace dress code dos and don'ts to a group of black women lawyers, caused a firestorm when she told the group that wearing afros in the workplace was a "big no-no." Lawyer Magazine reported,
An Afro. A real no-no, announced the 'Glamour' editor to the 40 or so lawyers in the room. As for dreadlocks: How truly dreadful! The style maven said it was 'shocking' that some people still think it 'appropriate' to wear those hairstyles at the office. 'No offense,' she sniffed, but those 'political' hairstyles really have to go.
According to Genie, a beautician and hair loss specialist in the Atlanta area who has been treating hair loss for more than three decades, she's seen plenty of black women left out of jobs for not wearing their hair the way it naturally grows. She said that even after the government passed the Civil Rights Act in 1964, which addressed dress code discrimination, black women still had trouble finding jobs because of their hair. So they did what they had to do to get a check, and paid a lot of money to have chemically straightened hair.
"We couldn't get jobs as secretaries, customer service [representatives], cashiers, because we didn't have [our hair] straightened," she said. To help these women, Genie would install capless wigs on her clients, which allowed the scalp to breath, without causing damage to the their hair follicles.
Unfortunately, a lot of women can't wear wigs to some jobs, including service members with jobs that require them to not wear them due to safety hazards. Bobby Spence, a Virginia-basedTrichologist and Hair Loss Specialist, says that military hair standards that require black women to wear slicked ponytails, micro braids, or tight cornrows, are enforced because it allows the service member to put on kevlar helmets, or military-approved headwear. But those hairstyles, coupled with sweat and germs that fall on the scalp while they're working, have been known to completely destroy black hair, which could result in some severe cases of alopecia.
"Being in the military, you have to wear ponytails and keep your hat on," Bobby said. "So think about all the years of putting your hair in a ponytail, all that traction that's going to your temple, and your edges are breaking off every time. That causes hair loss."
But employers aren't completely to blame for hair loss in black women. A lot of hair care techniques for black women are passed down generationally, but what isn't often passed down are proper techniques that keep alopecia in mind.
GENERATIONAL TECHNIQUES AND THE HUSTLE TO GET YOUR DOLLARS
Bobby said that generational hair care techniques are definitely one reason why hair loss is so prevalent among black women. While tight ponytails with barrettes and beads, chemical or heat straighteners, and tight braids, helps black children maintain cute hair styles, it can also cause a lot of damage to it.
He says that when it comes to maintaining healthy hair in children with coarse hair textures, the best thing a mother can do is to let the child's hair grow naturally, or use techniques that do not put too much strain on their hair.
"Think about the average African American woman," he said. "From a child, what happens is is that your hair is really thick, and mom is like, 'Oh I'm going to put a texturizer in their hair to break it down and make it easier to manage.' Okay, well that's where it starts, because you have a chemical now."
Genie and Bobby both said that they've had clients who told them that they've used "kiddie perms"
in their hair because they think that it is more mild than a regular relaxer, but they both disagree with this line of thinking. A chemical is a chemical, and no matter how mild it is, it can still cause hair damage and breakage.
Genie said that she's seen some hair dressers go as far as telling their clients that they're using a kiddie perm in their hair, when they were really using an extra strength chemical relaxer. On purpose. Bobby has seen hair dressers do it, too, and he says that they do it because they want your money. Especially when it comes to using keratin treatments.
"[It's] A way to take your money, and charge you $200-$300 because it's a form of a relaxer," Bobby said. "Anything that takes your coarse hair and makes it straight, it's a chemical. "
The good news is that if you have alopecia, or if you're leery of using chemicals in your hair, there are techniques you can apply to keep it healthy. Celebrity beautician Mushiya Tshikuka, break-out star of WE TV's reality show "Cutting It In The ATL," and owner of The Damn Salon in Atlanta, says that you first have to identify the technique that you're using that's causing your hair loss.
"It's not necessarily the hairstyle, it's the technique," She said. "[For example,] two different people can do box braids, but one is doing it absolutely way too tight, and another one is doing it considering the health of the person's hair. The technique that's used is what's different."
Mushiya says that one great technique to help grow your hair while battling alopecia is to use clip-in hair extensions. She says that one of the reasons why she created Runway Curls, her exclusive line of Ethiopian textured virgin hair extensions, was to help her clients battling hair loss. The clip-in extensions from her hair line, which should be available for purchase within the coming months, can be blended with natural hair without causing too much tension on the hair, while still allowing you to look and feel fabulous.
HOW TO STOP ALOPECIA BEFORE IT STARTS
The best way to keep alopecia at bay is to not put too much tension on your hair, no matter how beautiful the hairstyle is. Bobby recalled a client whose weave hairstyle was so tight that he couldn't help her after her scalp grew bumps that started leaking as a result of the tightness of her braids underneath her weave.
"She called her [stylist] back after she put the weave in, and she said, 'Oh my God...I have such a headache because the weave is so tight, I can't even sleep because it's so tight,'" Bobby recalled. "So the stylist said, 'Don't worry. After a couple of days, it will loosen up a little bit.' After a couple of days it didn't loosen up. Literally, when she came to me...she had puss bumps all over her scalp. I had to refer her to a dermatologist so he could actually treat that condition, because it was even beyond my control."
Genie, Bobby, and Mushiya all suggest that if you are going to wear weaves, make sure that you keep your scalp clean, washed, and moisturized.
"African American hair is very textured and thus prone to dryness," Mushiya said. "Dryness causes breakage... and that stress on the hair will cause alopecia as well. And it's important that women understand that their hair needs to be moisturized, and the best way and first way to moisturize our hair is by using H2O [water]."
Mushiya also suggests that you shampoo your hair more often than once every three weeks or once a month. "A lot of time black women want to wash their hair once every month, or once every three weeks...that's the most ridiculous one can do," she said. "It gets drier and drier, and [your hair will] break. When we moisturize our hair, it's important that we use good products that doesn't strip our natural oils that our scalp produces. Those natural oils are important because it stops everything from being dry, and stops breakage."
Bobby also says that if you're suffering from hair loss, you should contact a physician before consuming biotin. He says that African Americans naturally have oily skin, and biotin, which is typically prescribed by doctors to help your skin produce more collagen, and it will cause you to suffer from acne.
"I see it all the time," Bobby said. "Seven out of 10 people I see who takes biotin have acne."
He says that if you are looking for a supplement to grow your hair, you should ask your doctor about using sulfur (MSM) supplements instead. He also suggests that you increase your water and healthy food intake."Your hair is made of 16 amino acids. Believe it or not, a lot of those amino acids, you can get through your diet. A lot of those amino acids found in your hair shaft is called l'cysteine. L'cystine if found in things like turkey or a lot of fruits and vegetables. So you can literally feed your hair with the right diet."
Bobby made it clear that weaves and generational hair care techniques aren't totally to blame for alopecia. Besides stress, hair loss in black women may be an indicator of a deeper medical condition.
"When you start see your hair starting to thin out over time, your ponytail didn't have the thickness it once had, your edges are thinning out, it could be because you're having an iron deficiency," Bobby said. "It could be from a hormonal imbalance, it could be a vitamin D deficiency...or a thyroid imbalance...or you could be be pre-diabetic. So there are other things that can affect your hair besides traction and chemical alopecia."
Bobby, Mushiya, and Genie say that if you see your hair thinning, or balding, you should seek professional help immediately. As long as the hair shaft isn't damaged, anyone can recover from alopecia. But if the shaft is damaged, you're pretty much screwed.
If you are suffering from alopecia, there are several other things you should probably keep in mind when it comes to your self esteem. Take a look at those tips in the gallery below.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Have You Ever Wondered If You're Settling...For A Lesser Version Of Your Own Self?
Y’all, even though spring is just a few steps away, it seems like just yesterday that I wrote “Resolve To Evolve In 2025. That's It.” as a New Year's piece. The gist of it is, instead of putting a lot of pressure to check off an Old Testament scroll of resolutions, why not just be committed to evolving? And, as you’re about to see in just a moment, a part of that is choosing not to settle — in any area of your life.
It sounds good, right? Refusing to settle is damn near the tagline for easily 40 percent of social media posts. However, when it really comes down to it, what does that actually mean? And more importantly, what does not settling require you to do?
Whether you wonder if you’re somehow settling for less or you’re simply ready to have way more in your world than you do right now, here are some things that you are going to need to be willing to do in order to live a life that says that you didn’t settle, in any facet of it, at all.
What Does It Actually Mean to “Settle”?
Refusing to settle. It’s something that is said so much these days that I’m not even sure we know what it actually means anymore. I say this because being arrogant, entitled, and/or expecting someone else to do for you what A) you won’t do for your own self and or B) you wouldn’t do for them in return. That isn’t the definition of “not settling.”
Actually, "not settling" is more about being so self-aware that you refuse to allow people, places, things, or ideas to influence or impact you to the point where you end up living a life that is less than what will bring out the absolute best in you.
Not settling is about moving around this earth in such a way that you know that, when it comes time to take your last breath, you have very few regrets because you prioritized having a high quality of life of richness and true fulfillment above all else.
Quality of life. When you think of your career, is it bringing out the best in you? When you think about your friendships, are your friends bringing out the best in you? When you think about your relationship, is it bringing out the best in you? The choices, both big and small, that you make on a daily basis — can you honestly say that you are intentional about choosing who and what will bring out the absolute best in you?
If you can’t firmly say “yes,” sis, on some level, you are settling — and as one of my favorite quotes of all time (by writer Maureen Dowd) says, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
What you deserve. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a billion times over. “It” being that, by definition, in order to have what you deserve, you need to be qualified to have it (yes, that is literally what “deserve” means). So, when it comes to not settling because you want no less than what you deserve in this world — what energy and effort are you putting into making sure that YOU ARE QUALIFIED to have such things? Yeah, you’d be amazed by how many people end up settling in this life and it’s (mostly) because they missed this very crucial step.
If you are someone who gets that and simply looking for some signs to keep from settling, here are five that I want you to seriously take to heart.
You Rarely Step Outside of Your Comfort Zone
I hate to admit it but with me being an ambivert and really liking (I mean really liking) being at home, I haven’t been on an official vacation since my 20s (no exaggeration). I have traveled to see family (that is not exactly what I would call a vacation — LOL). I have gone to see friends and my godchildren (see what I said in the previous sentence — LOL). I have traveled all over for work and had some fun in the process. However, planning some time to get off of the grid and do NOTHING but rest and relax? Yep…late 20s.
And although I’m not exactly afraid to fly, I’ll be the first to say that it’s not my favorite thing on the planet to do — and with these planes currently falling out of the air right now (although reports say that is in our heads more than anything)? Oh, I would definitely be getting out of my comfort zone to travel right now.
And so long as I use some wisdom and discernment about when and where I go, that’s a good thing because people who stay in their comfort zone tend to live stagnant lives and/or live in fear (of the unknown) and/or don’t take risks and/or don’t try new things and/or don’t challenge their current way of thinking and/or overthink way too much and/or never really reach their full capacity — and all of these are sho ‘nuf signs of settling for a less-than life.
Me? I need to stop talking about taking a vacation and actually book one — and yes, I need to get my ass on a plane to get there. In my world that is a form of getting out of my comfort zone.
What do you need to do? Something tells me that, deep down, you know.
You Walk on Eggshells in Your Relationships
It really is wild how songs will immediately come to my mind, whenever I write on particular topics. Today, it’s one that I haven’t thought about in a hot minute: John Mayer’s “Say.” (For the record, “Daughters” is forever gonna be one of his best offerings; it’ll preach). If you know it, then you know that the hook says, on repeat, “say what you need to say” — and if you’re not doing this in your relationships, you’re settling. In order for people to really connect with you, they have to know you and they can’t do that if you are holding things back or…in.
For the record, I’m not speaking of lacking tact, timing, or maturity in your message or delivery because a part of what comes with solid communication is knowing how to do it effectively.
No, what I’m speaking of here is making sure that you’re not walking on eggshells with others: tensing or clamming up — you know, basically biting your tongue — when you want to share your perspective or a boundary; constantly worrying about what the consequences may be for bringing up your true feelings or opinions; letting other people hijack the conversations that they have with you; constantly walking away from interactions with other people feeling like you were gaslit or manipulated; and being nonconfrontational to an absolute fault, and/or feeling too insecure to be your genuine self.
What causes some of us to become this way? Well, if you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I am a huge fan of the quote, “Adulthood is surviving children” and there is more and more intel coming out these days that if you were raised in an emotionally unpredictable environment, you can find yourself wanting to do whatever to keep the peace, even as an adult. If hearing that triggered you, you might want to consider seeing a therapist/counselor/life coach in order to get the tools to “reprogram you” in this department.
Because to go through life listening to folks express their thoughts and feelings while you don’t? GIRL, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SETTLING.
You Don’t Showcase Your Originality
March marks 10 years since my dad left this earth—and boy, if there is one thing that seemed to consistently trouble him is the aftermath of growing up around people who seemed to fight against his originality instead of embracing it and that is a horrible way to live. In some ways, I saw people try to do the same thing to me. An example?
I’m old enough to remember when a certain sorority would do something called The Jones Awards and I believe it was my freshman year (freshman or sophomore; it’s been a minute) when they gave me the “What the hell do you have on?” award. People laughed. It was mean. I didn’t really care, though. My mom is a New Yorker and never really wanted us looking like…mall dressers. LOL. And so, yes, I had my own individuality and, to this day, strangers will say, “Where are you from because we know it’s not from Nashville.” It is high praise.
Y’all, if I was out here trying to think/look/act like people around me, I doubt that I would’ve accomplished, shoot, 70% of what I have (already done) in my life because I needed to feel confident in my personality, my convictions and uniqueness in order to convince others that I could get certain things done. Hell, my original approach to things is a big part of what’s even kept me with this platform. Being original has taken me far and it can do the same for you. I say that because to be original is to be the first (and there is only one you). To be original is to be authentic. To be original is to be new, fresh, and inventive. Why would you want to settle for anything less than that?
It is the late Aaliyah who once said, “I stay true to myself and my style, and I am always pushing myself to be aware of that and be original.” Staying aware of the fact that no one is better than you in the sense that, there is nothing to really compare AN ORIGINAL to, that really should give you the confidence and courage to not conform. Conforming is settling. And yes, sadly, people do it all of the time. And that’s why they end up being a toy soldier instead of being truly memorable.
You’re Not Doing What Is BEST for You
People who talk to me on a consistent basis know that if there is a self-created motto that I will stay on-repeat about, it’s “Never mistake familiar for good and good for what is right.” Chile, I promise that if you factor that into your life decisions, it will help you to sidestep quite a bit of nonsense. Plus, if you’re someone who wants what is right for you, you will find yourself leaning into what is best for you as well.
Something (or someone) that is the best for you? It’s not just about having the highest quality of something (or someone); it’s also about carefully selecting the people, places, things, and ideas that will prove to be the most suitable for you. Suitable means things like appropriate, proper, becoming, correct, useful, relevant (that’s a good one) and comfortable to you. And y’all, in order to get to what and who is best, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re going to have to release some stuff and folks because, again, not settling is about cultivating an unmatched quality of life and some things (and people) are simply hindrances to and for that.
Example: There is someone I know who keeps going back to the same guy because he is familiar; however, so much has transpired since they first started dating that they are mistaking nostalgia for anything currently substantial (i.e., relevant). As a result, she is not accepting that he is not right for her which means that he is not who is best for her. Her mind knows it and yet she keeps letting her emotions get in the way (which is again why I can’t stand the saying “follow your heart;” the Bible clearly says that the heart is deceitful and heart means “center of emotions” — Jeremiah 17:9-10).
And so yes, when it comes to this guy, she is settling. BIG TIME. And when you settle in a (serious) relationship, it’s almost inevitable that you will start to do the same thing in other areas of your life. For shame, FOR SHAME!
Now, please make sure to really spend some time on the definitions of "best" before making any moves because it is definitely where the big kids play. What I mean by that is, that just because something is best for you, that doesn’t mean it’s always going to feel like it at the time. Her letting that guy go is what’s best even if, for a season, it’s going to hurt. However, in the grand scheme of things, by choosing what is “your best,” your life, long-term, will become so much better.
Listen, there’s no way that doing what’s best for you won’t result in life gifting you with some pretty unexpectedly amazing things as a direct result…if not immediately, in due time.
“Meh” Would Describe Your Lifestyle
Time. It goes by so much faster than we think. That’s why it’s so important — crucial even — to avoid doing things that will waste your time (check out “These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time” and“Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time?”). Know what else? You should opt out of whatever won’t help you to live a life that is educational, exciting, purposeful…a life that is far from being “meh.” Meh is an actual word and it means things like indifferent, uninspiring, boring (check out “Bored All Of The Time? Here's What's Really Going On.”).
That said, if there is ANY area of your life where this word would apply, YOU. ARE. SETTLING.
So…what and/or who are you indifferent (feeling average or routine) about?
What and/or are you uninspired by?
What and/or who is boring you?
Why is that the case? Because to simply live in that energy without any real answers? Whew-whee is that settling and the fact that the moments in this lifetime are pretty fleeting, take this as the biggest sign ever that it is time to make some serious changes.
You need to be able to get up, every single day of your life, and be able to name at least three things that are exceptional about you and your world, that inspire you to aim higher and tap into your creative, exploratory, and even risky (health risks, that is) side. People who live like that? Chile, they rarely, if ever, settle for much of anything at all!
___
Author Jim Rohn was right when he said, “If you are not willing to risk the unusual, you will have to settle for the ordinary.” And goodness — why should you, a complete and total original, settle for ANYTHING that is ordinary?
To do so wouldn’t just be sad, it would be criminal.
Especially when it comes to who you are as a person — please, sis — never (EVER) settle.
It’s totally beneath you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images