"Becoming Mr. & Mrs. Smith" was the title of Red Table Talk's most recent episode. I immediately pressed play on a video that I knew would lend insight that I long anticipated from one of my favorite celebrity couples: Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith. The pair sat alongside co-hosts, Adrienne Banfield-Jones and Willow Smith, to dissect how Will and Jada met, the growth of their relationship, and how they've successfully sustained their 20-year marriage.
Gems were shared and feelings were felt — and as I jotted down key takeaways, there was one idea I just couldn't shake: setting expectations.
About midway through the interview, Will recounts a moment that was pivotal in how the pair learned to address each other and approach conflict in their relationship. Will recalls the moment when Jada cussed at him publicly at a party they hosted. Will's then two-year-old son, Trey, was present for the altercation. Will immediately asked to speak with Jada separately to make his expectation known.
"I said Jada, this is the deal. I grew up in a household where I watched my father punch my mother in the face and I will not create a house, a space, an interaction with a person where there is profanity and violence. If you have to talk to me like that, we won't be together. We're not gonna use any profanity in our interactions, we're not gonna raise our voice, we're not going to be violent. Because I can't do it."
In that moment, Will set the standard. He was clear about his expectation and was committed to upholding it.
Will refused to entertain any conversation with Jada that involved profanity or yelling. He was clear in setting that stage and told Jada to "get out" when she scoffed at the idea. He was serious, and if she didn't know before that conversation, it was clear that she knew after.
Watching the pair agree on how serious Will was about the expectation he set triggered me in a way I didn't expect. It made me recall moments where I should have done the same; moments where clear expectations either should have been set and weren't, or where my expectations were not met and I convinced myself to be okay with it.
I reflected on my personal relationships and how many of them were built on low expectations and failed accountability. I had a list in my head of what I wanted my relationships to be like, and the behaviors I desired (and expected) from my partner, but I never upheld those expectations. Instead, I diminished the severity of the offense and let it slide until the things I let slide became habits I didn't like. And inevitably, those habits turned to bad arguments and ugly breakups.
Watching this episode of Red Table Talk — admittedly one of my favorite episodes of the series thus far — helped shift not just my thinking about sustaining relationships, but also how I choose to start them. It encouraged me to begin setting clear expectations and standing firmly by them. It taught me to be willing to show someone the door if they're not willing to meet me where I stand. And it reminded me that the relationship I'm meant to have will include honesty, partnership, and standards (emphasis on standards).
Some of us shy away from being direct and stern in our expectations and boundaries, but there should be no confusion in how we, as adults, approach our relationships. Much like Will and Jada, we should set a standard and come to a mutual understanding of what our expectations are, and whether we will walk away or stick it through.
"It was 20 years before we used profanity in any conversation we had. We didn't use profanity in any argument we had, we didn't raise our voices, we took communication courses," they collectively shared, reflecting on how critical this expectation was for the success of their relationship-turned-marriage.
So what's the bottom line?
Stand firm in what you require. Make your needs, desires, and expectations clear from the beginning. Work on finding a partner who will collaborate with you to ensure these important needs are met (and vice versa). And if you two can't commit to doing so, perhaps you shouldn't commit to each other.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak