Mr. Right. While I have absolutely no idea who originated that term, I was surprised to see that it was actually listed in the dictionary. For the most part, the general consensus is it means "a man who is viewed as an ideal romantic partner or potential spouse". Eh. I guess, for the most part, that will do. Well, let me step back a bit. While I do think the definition is fitting overall, it's actually the word "ideal" that trips me up a bit. I don't know about y'all, but on my quest to get to my own so-called Mr. Right, something that I've had to unlearn-to-relearn is sometimes what I consider to be ideal—like basing "rightness" solely on a man's looks, always falling for my type or putting sexual satisfaction over overall fulfillment—hasn't been very ideal (a standard of excellence) at all.
Praise the Lord that I am in a very different type of head and heart space now. I get the areas where I was oh so wrong about Mr. Right and, so that you won't have to go through some of the bumps and bruises that I've experienced, I wanted to share a bit of a "cheat sheet" to help you to figure out what your own Mr. Right should actually look and live like. As life would have it, all of these are based on definitions and synonyms of the word "right". You ready?
Right: in accordance with what is good
When it comes to this specific definition of the word "right", I personally think that it is an excellent place to start. I say that because, one of the biggest mistakes that a lot of us make when even considering who is a viable Mr. Right contender, is we don't stop and ask ourselves if someone is truly good for us (check out "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?"). While there are a lot of definitions for good, the one that I really want to hone in on today is if someone is truly going to benefit us. This is important because, when something or someone is beneficial, it means that they are capable of being good to us and being of service to us, all the while helping us to improve (become a better person). While you might not be able to figure that out in the first couple of dates (and that's totally understandable), by date three, you should definitely feel comfortable enough to ask the hard—and by hard, I mean beneath the surface—questions. What are his values? What are his goals? Does he even want a long-term relationship (because if you do and he doesn't, what are y'all doing)? And if he does, why?
Something else that's really cool about this particular definition of right is the word "accordance" which means "agreement". God saw fit to create us with a mind, body and spirit (soul). I call it the human trinity. When trying to decide if someone is truly right for you, take time to ask yourself if your entire being is in agreement that this man is going to be good for you. If some part of you objects, figure out why because there is definitely something to it.
Right: in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle
Some of y'all ain't gonna like this one very much, so let me just say "sorry not sorry" in advance. Back when I was in a cyclic pattern of dating the same kinds of men, something that I had a big problem with was seeing what I wanted to see while ignoring the facts and truths of how those men were and what we were really doing. I think I've shared before that my third baby's daddy (check out "Why I Named The Children I Aborted" for context) was someone I was good friends with. The sex was also cool and, for the most part, there wasn't any drama. But after about a year in, he pulled my "truth card" when I said that I felt like he was taking me for granted (on the romantic tip) and his response was, "Shellie, you said from the beginning that you just wanted to be friends who had sex. You never gave me the chance to see you as a girlfriend. Don't blame me for holding up our end of the deal, just because your feelings have changed." Ouch. And yes.
You're not going to know if a man is truly right for you if you're not willing to base your decision on facts, reason and truth. Not your emotions. Not the chick flick that you've somehow conjured up in your head. Not all of the theories that your girlfriends (and aunties) have come up with. Get real. Get logical. Pay attention to the actual reality of what's going on—and what isn't going on. Then decide what your next move is, based on that. A lot of women have wasted precious time, effort and energy, by acting like a man did something wrong to them when the TRUTH is that they didn't want to deal with the FACTS. Please don't be one of them (or one of them anymore).
Right: Honest
Now let's get into some synonyms for the word "right" that I personally believe should apply in our quest for confirming who Mr. Right is in our lives. Honest is one of those words yet here's the interesting thing about it—a lot of people only associate it with telling the truth.
While you should want a man who is going to do that, think higher. When someone is honest, they are "honorable in principles, intentions, and actions". To be honorable is to be upright and credible. When a man is right for you, he is going to be upright and credible (which speaks to the consistency of his character) as it relates to his principles, his intentions and his actions. Not one of these things. ALL THREE.
Another cool definition of honest is "fair". Fair leans towards being objective. He is more interested in both of you seeing each other's perspectives and finding common ground than him being right all of the time. Two other definitions that I think are worth noting are frank and genuine. He isn't cryptic nor does he deflect. He also isn't fake. What you see is what you get, so there's no need to look for things that aren't there (some of y'all will catch that later). And still, another dope definition is "having a good reputation". Have mercy.
Be honest. When it comes to the men that you've dated in the past, have you put forth the concerted effort to see what his reputation is? Is he respected at work? Does he have a healthy set of friends? What does his family have to say about him? What has he shared were his own missteps in his past relationships? So many things can be avoided, if we simply take a man's reputation into account. Even the Bible says, "A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, loving favor rather than silver and gold." (Proverbs 22:1—NKJV) A guy isn't going to be right for you if he's out here not being right to those around him. Always factor in his reputation. It can be a real life—and heart—saver, if you do.
Right: Suitable
Anyone who's been rocking with my byline on here for a while now knows that I love to attach Scripture where it applies. Well, when you look at the first documented intimate relationship between a man and a woman in the Bible, the word "suitable" is mentioned. Genesis 2:18(AMPC) states, "Now the Lord God said, 'It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.'" A man who is right for you is a man who is going to be suitable for you. A dope definition of suitable is becoming. A dope definition of becoming is appropriate. A dope definition of appropriate is "set apart for a specific purpose".
If nothing else sinks in from this read, please let this synonym of right dig into the very depths of your soul. The man who is really and truly right for you? He is going to be set apart for the specific purpose of loving you, cherishing you and adoring you. You won't have to worry about competing with other women. You won't have to be concerned with trying to "switch up" to make him like/love you more. And, most importantly, your own life's purpose/calling/work will not have to be compromised for the sake of maintaining the relationship. Since he's the right one, he has been customized to suit your life and your purpose. Period.
That doesn't mean he or the relationship will be perfect (no one, not even you, are perfect). What it will mean though is, unlike the past relationships where you had to work harder than you ever should have? This one won't require that kind of strenuous effort. Amen? AMEN.
Right: Justifiable
Hmph. I remember once being so into a guy that I really couldn't see straight. I was so engrossed in him that, no matter what questions my loved ones had for me, ones that should've encouraged me to totally pump my brakes, I absolutely wasn't trying to hear it. Listen, the people who really and truly care about you, they have lives of their own. What I mean by that is, their world isn't going to come to a crashing end, just because you got your heart broken or you found yourself in a stupid relationship. So, when they make the time to invest into your life and ask you to consider if some things about a guy might be red flags, you should take that to heart. Hear me when I say that I personally learned this the hard way.
That said, when a man is right for you, you won't have to sneak around. You won't have to be vague AF. You won't have to make excuses for him and/or why you are tolerating (or is it enduring?) all of his BS. The right man will be justifiable in the absolute best way possible because he will be the core meaning of the word—"to defend or uphold as warranted or well-grounded". Did you peep the "well-grounded" part? Yeah. Me too.
Right: Deserved
This synonym right here has me excited like a mug! Have you ever stopped to consider the fact that, if a man is right for you, he will be "qualified for a reward because of his actions and qualities"? Now here's something to keep in mind about the word "reward". It's not like receiving a simple gift or prize. A reward is "something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc." A reward is what someone receives after service and sometimes even hardship transpires. While I'm definitely not encouraging you to "test your man" (how would you feel if he did that to you? Ugh), what I am saying is the right guy will be able to stick some things out with you. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before that even happens, the right guy will be able to do what it takes to get you to trust him enough to know that he will be able to stick some things out with you (eh hem, as you do the same thing for him, please).
Last year, when I did a story that featured different Black female-owned T-shirt lines, one of the ones that I featured has a shirt that sums up this particular point perfectly. Tees in the Trap offers up a tee that simply says "Earn Me". Again, it's not about game-playing (playing hard to get is a game, by the way) or coming up with ways for a man to have to constantly prove his own worth and value to you. At the same time, what "earning you" is about, is having standards and then giving a man the space to see if he will rise up to them—or not. Because for someone to be Mr. Right, he needs to be deserving of you. And that takes time to discover.
Right: Due
Last one. While this, too, may ruffle a few feathers, this really is a great place to end this piece. Most times, when people ask me how I feel about being in my mid-40s and never married, the first thing I say is, "I'd rather be never married than on my third divorce" (because I know some people who fall right into that category). Then I follow that up with, "God doesn't owe me a husband." And He doesn't.
Matter of fact, the more I get into the space that the One who gave me life doesn't OWE me anything, that everything is a blessing, it helps to calm my spirit and accept that the right thing—including the right man—comes at the right time. I am not the only one who can determine that. God and my customized Mr. Right both play their own role and I'm perfectly OK with that…finally.
This is where the word "due" comes in. When something (or someone) is due, one of my absolute favorite definitions is, it/he "naturally belongs to someone". Every time I read that, it's like an "exhale" comes over my entire being. The right man for me, the right man for you—he will naturally belong. Timing plays a huge part in that.
Most of us are super grown at this point. This probably means that you've gotten it wrong about who your Mr. Right is, perhaps, more than once. But you survived, you're still here and your heart is still open—correct? Mr. Right is possible so long as you're being literal about "right" and what it entails. Here's to you finding your Mr. Right in the truest sense—and meanings—of the word. To never getting this area of your life wrong. Ever again.
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And that reminded me that I should share a list of them, en masse. Because, even though it is warming up outside, that doesn’t mean that you can’t turn your hot cup of herbal tea into a tall glass of iced herbal tea, right? I mean, especially since cool temperatures actually help to restrict your blood vessels which, in turn, can reduce swelling and inflammation.
Anyway, if like her, your allergies have you feeling some type of way and it ain’t very good, here are 10 teas that might make it easier to adjust to the pollen that, like clockwork, the spring season has to offer.
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1. Peppermint Tea
If you enjoy the taste of mint, treat yourself to some peppermint tea over the next couple of weeks. Peppermint tea will bless you on a few different levels because it contains properties that will help to bring relief to gas and bloating; can give you an energy boost; help you to lose weight; help you to sleep more soundly, and peppermint tea can even help to ease menstrual pain discomfort.
The reason why you should try it for your allergies is since peppermint is able to relax your muscles and reduce pain, it may be able to soothe headaches and migraine tension that may be associated with them. Not only that but peppermint also contains antibacterial, antiviral, and anti-inflammatory properties, has menthol in it that can help to clear up your sinuses and, some studies even say that peppermint may assist in suppressing seasonal allergy-related symptoms like itchy eyes and sneezing.
2. Ginger Tea
If your palate prefers tea that is on the spicy side, go with ginger. It’s also a tea that has quite a bit of health benefits including the fact that it eases nausea and morning sickness; can help to reduce the risk of heart disease; helps to regulate blood sugar; contains cancer-fighting properties; reduces oxidative stress, and it can bring relief to menstrual discomfort too.
And just how does ginger tea help on the allergies front? For starters, the compounds gingerol and shogaol help to reduce inflammation within your system. Also, one study revealed that ginger has the ability to decrease certain cytokines (proteins that are secreted by your immune system’s cells that monitor inflammation within your body) so that you don’t have to deal with things like having a runny nose or an itchy throat. Another perk that comes with ginger is it can help you to sneeze less. Interesting.
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3. Lemon Balm Tea
What if something citrusy is more your thing? Lemon balm can (pardon the pun, considering the topic) scratch that itch, especially if you also have a taste for a tea that has a hint of sweetness to it. Health-wise, lemon balm tea is good for you because it helps to put you in a better mood; boosts cognitive function; helps to reduce anxiety and depression-related symptoms; improves your quality of rest; soothes indigestion, and contains pretty potent antiviral properties as well.
Another thing worth noting about lemon balm, is certain studies have revealed that by using it topically, it can reduce breakouts that are directly related to herpes (check out “If You Have Herpes, When Should You Reveal It To A Potential Partner?”).
Allergies-wise, lemon balm tea can be good for you because it is loaded with antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties which tend to work together to decrease symptoms that are associated with having allergies. However, it should go on record that if you happen to have some sort of thyroid issue, you should speak with your doctor before consuming lemon balm. Some studies say that high amounts of lemon balm can throw your thyroid hormones off a bit.
4. Green Tea
If any tea tastes kind of grassy or like a plant, green tea would be it — not really in a nasty way…it’s just kind of bland; however, it’s not anything that a teaspoon (or two) of honey can mask. Besides, the health benefits that come from green tea make it worth every sip because green tea can do everything from boost brain power, burn fat, and improve your oral health to lower your blood sugar levels, decrease the risk of heart disease and cancer and reduce your signs of aging.
The antioxidants in green tea can help to keep your immune system strong, which again, is always a plus as far as battling allergy symptoms are concerned. Green tea also has anti-allergenic agents in it that bring relief to sneezing, coughing and watery eyes.
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5. Rooibos Tea
Sweet. Nutty. Woodsy. Earthy. A hint of vanilla. When trying to describe what rooibos tea tastes like, all of these things can certainly apply. Personally, I like rooibos tea because it has no caffeine while being high in antioxidants. Some of its other benefits include the fact that rooibos can help to lower your cancer risk; reduce symptoms that are related to diabetes; it helps to bring down your cholesterol levels; it helps to fade the appearance of wrinkles (over time), and is also good for your heart.
Rooibos can make your allergies easier to bear because it contains a flavonoid called aspalathin which helps to reduce the symptoms that are associated with having allergies including nasal congestion.
6. Nettle Tea
“Sweet and earthy” is how a lot of people describe the taste of nettle tea. If you’ve got a urinary tract infection (UTI), it can help to flush out the bacteria that causes it. If you have arthritic pain, it can help to bring you some much-needed relief. If you’re trying to keep your blood sugar levels under control, nettle tea can help with that as well as keeping your cholesterol levels where they should be; it even contains properties that can help to heal acne and eczema-related symptoms.
Your allergies won’t like nettle tea very much because it also works as a natural antihistamine; this means that it reduces symptoms that are associated with hay fever including sneezing and itchiness.
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7. Chamomile Tea
There honestly aren’t too many things that chamomile tea can’t help to improve (check out “8 Teas That Are Really Good For Your Vaginal Health” and “Got A Killer Cold? These 10 Hacks Will Help You To Sleep Better.” and “10 Teas That Are Great For The Fall Season — As Far As Hair Growth Is Concerned”). Taste-wise, it’s mild, floral, and a little bit sweet. Health-wise, it reduces PMS symptoms, regulates blood sugar levels, and helps to keep your skin healthy, thanks to the properties in it that reduce breakouts and increase hydration.
Chamomile is also loaded with anti-inflammatory properties that help to bring relief to allergy symptoms. Chamomile also has anti-allergy properties in it that can block histamines and keep your eyes from watering up and your nose itching (although if you are allergic to daises, it’s best to avoid this tea because it belongs to the Asteraceae family…like daisies do).
8. Licorice Tea
To me, licorice tea is definitely reminiscent of black licorice although some people say that it’s a mixture of sweet and bitter flavors. And since licorice tea is basically made of licorice root, licorice root is good for you because it provides digestive support; can reduce acid reflux; helps to speed up the healing process of peptic ulcers; will fight reduce the bacteria that cause cavities, and it can even help to ease perimenopause/menopause-related symptoms.
The reason why licorice root can help you with your allergies is it contains anti-inflammatory properties that can help your respiratory system in top shape. Also, it helps to soothe a sore throat, prevent a runny nose, reduce sneezing and nasal congestion and licorice can bring relief to itchy and watery eyes.
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9. Black Tea
Black tea? Black tea is pretty robust with a smoky flavor and, if you’re looking for a coffee alternative, while it doesn’t have as much caffeine in it as java, it does contain more than green or white tea does. Moving on to how black tea can help out your health, it helps to strengthen your heart; lowers your risk of having a stroke; decreases your cancer risk; makes you more alert; reduces stress, helps your body to burn more fat, and even increases longevity.
Black tea may help to ease allergy-related symptoms because it has the flavonoid quercetin in it. Quercetin is great at fighting allergies because it hinders the release of histamines which helps to keep you from having a runny nose, hives, watery eyes, and face swelling. As a bonus, black tea contains anti-inflammatories and antioxidants too.
10. Yerba Mate Tea
This tea here has a bit of a unique flavor because it’s kinda smoky, kinda earthy, and kinda bitter — but again, if you add some honey to it, it could become a tea that you grow to really like; especially since it is able to do things like increase the quality of your workouts; help you to lose weight; give you more energy; lower your blood pressure and cholesterol levels; improve the quality of your skin; make type 2 diabetes more manageable, and it can increase bone density too (which is important as you age).
Yerba Mate rounds out the list of teas that are wise to consume during allergy season because it reduces inflammation and it helps to fight off free radicals as well.
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As the weather starts to heat up, it’s always a good idea to stay hydrated. And if you want to do so while being outdoors, now you have some teas that can help you to take in the sun without dealing (so much with) seasonal spring allergy symptoms. Drink up!
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