Admit it, we all hate when our best friend gets a new man or woman, while we stay single and left in the dust. I was recently faced with this abandonment two times over. One of my best friends, who just happens to be my mother, found love again with my other best friend, who just happens to be my father, and I was shook.
My parents have been separated for nearly 10 years, and now, after more than a decade, they've decided to rekindle their relationship and try again.
Their relationship was the first example I had ever seen of love and set the stage for my future relationships. All of the ideas I had about love, I had developed from the paradigm of my mother and father, and it was harmful to my romantic life. Watching their partnership, which was once so beautifully bloomed, disintegrate into busted windows and hurt feelings made me question the validity of love. What the f-ck does it really got to do with it?
I couldn't help but wonder how two people who had initially been so perfect for each other, could now be so toxic for one another. Love doesn't mean sh-t if it wasn't enough to keep these two people who fit so perfectly, together, I would think to myself.
My mom and dad are my two favorite people in the world, and during their separation, I developed very separate and individual relationships with them both. When they announced their reunion, I couldn't help but to be happy for them. But if I can be real with y'all for a moment, I was salty.
I knew that my relationships with both of them would change because that has always been our dynamic. When I was younger, it was hot and cold. Either they were mad at each other, or they were both mad at me. There was no in between. Either they were a united front, or separate entities altogether, and I had grown to prefer them that way.
The day my mom packed her things and decided to separate from my father was a day that all of our lives changed.
This family unit that they had fought so hard to keep together was being stained with their own romantic missteps, and something had to give. Over the years, I've had the opportunity to watch them both grow wiser and stronger, and the two people that I had once known as co-dependent were now free of each other. But something was missing.
I could hear it in my mom's voice when she asked how my dad was doing, that the love that she had in her heart for him was as strong as the day she left. When they saw each other for family events and holidays, their eyes would still meet in a way that said, "I love you," and it made me sick.
I was sick thinking about how I would feel if my dad hurt my mom, or my mom hurt my dad. I was afraid that our relationship would change and the two best friends that I had grown to know and love had now left me for one another. I was scared that everything would change and I would be abandoned, and things would return to the way they were 10 years ago.
And then, I stopped and realized it. Their love was not about me.
The thing about love is, you can't do it for anyone else. All this time, I had been griping and moaning about their relationship in the past, I didn't stop to think that they were working very hard to create a future together now, and it was time that I let them. Even if that meant the beginning of a new relationship between my two best friends that would change everything. I know now that many changes happen for the better.
Watching the fall and rise of a love as great as the one shared by mom and dad taught me a few things about love and now I want to share them with you.
If You Love It, Let It Go
My parents weren't just separated, they were exiled from each other's lives for a great deal of time. It's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder and sometimes that distance means time apart. No love was lost, and only wisdom was gained by their time spent away from one another, and now they're blessed with the opportunity to get to know each other all over again. That's a beautiful thing to watch.
Keep It Corinthian
Love is patient, love is kind, love keeps no record of wrongdoings. Even if you aren't religious, this verse in Corinthians is a good one to live by. There's no doubt that my mom and Dad hurt each other badly in the past, but it was only when they were able to forgive and move forward that their relationship could truly hit the reset button.
F-ck Timing
Whether it's 10 years or 100 years, love knows no timing. My parents were apart for nearly a decade and there was no "right time" to make things work. When the universe says you're ready, love will fall in place for you.
Both of my parents are in their 60's and it took them years to develop individually before they were ready to become a duo again. Don't rush love just because you think it's "time." The man of your dreams is out there growing, thriving, and preparing to be everything you ever wanted. Just wait on it.
Love Really Does Conquer All
Hurt people, hurt people. Things fall apart. Love conquers all. Three cliche statements about love that I've found to be all very relevant in my mom and dads romantic life. Regardless of the pain, trauma, and depression that my parents have seen in their lifetime, love always came out on top. Forgiveness is key, and refusing to do so is like drinking a bottle of poison and expecting someone else to die.
After raising seven children, gaining a combined total of four degrees, and developing a six-figure career path, you would think that my mom and dad's story would have come to a close, but it's far from over. They are now living their best lives in the Virgin Islands and after some serious reflection, I am salty no longer.
For so many years, I rejected love and conceptualized it as pain because that was all that I knew. I was distraught in thinking that this thing that everyone was obsessed with, in actuality was a huge scam.
My parents rekindling their relationship is a sign that I was wrong, and watching their relationship develop almost from scratch is a reminder that it will never be too late for love to find me.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
GiphyIf you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
GiphyThere is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
GiphySomething that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
GiphyEven if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
GiphyI saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
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Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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