There’s a new dating term on the block and it’s something that everyone has been guilty of at least once in their life. I introduce to you “phubbing.” The dictionary defines phubbing as the practice of ignoring one's companion or companions in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile devices.
Thanks to the advancement of technology, we can work, text, peruse social media apps, play games, watch videos, and more on our smartphones. And while it’s convenient to have everything you need at your fingertips, it can also be distracting. According to Healthline, the term phubbing was first coined in May 2012 by an Australian advertising agency as a way to describe ignoring people around you for your phone.
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While it’s quite common, it can potentially ruin relationships. Reviews.org conducted surveys that showed that 47% of people confessed that they were addicted to their cell phones and 43% of people admitted that they even look at their phones while on a date. So, what does that mean for relationships?
Tamron Hall recently had a woman named Sherrice Lyles, who is Miss Black New Jersey, on her talk show who shared that her boyfriend is fed up with her phubbing. When asked if she can put down the phone and be present she gave a typical answer that many would probably say, “I feel like I can multitask.”
However, her multitasking skills haven’t been the best as she revealed that her boyfriend feels it’s disrespectful when she’s constantly using her phone when they spend time together. “Sometimes when he’s talking to me and I’m on my phone, he will ask me something and it’ll go through one ear and out the other,” she said. She also admitted that it could affect her relationship.
An article in Psychology Today suggested that there's only one way to stop phubbing and that is to be aware. Be aware that you are phubbing and start being present in moments with the people in your life.
While you can build connections with others online and in person, it’s important to nurture the moments you have with the people in front of you. So, put the phone down and make eye contact. Having eye contact with someone shows that you are giving them your undivided attention.
And if you’re the one being phubbed, Psychology Today also recommended that you be patient and have compassion.
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Anyone who remembers the movie (and sequel) isn’t shocked by that because those two had trust issues to the 10th power — and that’s kind of why I’m starting this article out by bringing them up. As far as what you should think long and hard about before getting all up in your partner’s phone, I’ve covered that before in the article, “Before You Go Through His Phone, You Should Know What The Law Says About It.” Today, though, let’s talk about whether or not it’s a good idea for you and your partner to follow each other on social media.
Because although you might think this is a “duh” kind of topic, it actually…isn’t.
Here’s What Data Says About Social Media and Relationships
GiphyLet’s start all of this with a brief social media history lesson.
If you’re someone who happens to remember the social media platform Six Degrees, I’m impressed because it’s considered to be the first solid evidence of social media; the real ones are going to recall that Black Planet made its way into cyberspace in 1999 (a couple of years after Six Degrees). By the early 2000s, we had MySpace, Friendster, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and even LinkedIn. Before we knew it, by 2015, at least 65 percent of Americans had at least one social media platform with almost 70 percent of them hanging out on Facebook alone. This meant that now, more than ever, folks had access to more information and individuals at one time than ever before — and as with most things in life, there were pros and cons to that.
Since today, what we’re focusing on is the impact that social media can have on long-term romantic relationships, I’ll share some of the downsides of it when it comes to things like marriage.
Whether it’s jealousy, insecurity, infidelity, having unrealistic expectations, making unfair comparisons, or even experiencing low-key paranoia, sadly, we are now at a point where some studies say that social media is a top issue (if not a main cause) in at least one-third of divorces (other studies say that social media significantly impacts one in seven divorces and a particular study even cited that Facebook plays a huge role in one in five divorces).
And although some of these situations can be debated based on what one’s personal perception is (for instance, one study says that 45 percent of Americans consider their partner following an ex on social media to be a form of infidelity), one thing that I think we all can agree on is social media has proven that it can complicate matters, as far as relationships go.
So, while keeping all of this in mind, what do research and relationship experts say when it comes to whether you should get a front-row seat to whatever may be happening on your partner’s social media pages?
Well, this HuffPost article features a woman who says that she and her man spend enough time together offline that engaging online isn’t really necessary. Independent’s article, “If you love someone, don’t follow them on social media” shares that social media can easily get you caught up in the “un-realness” of it all that your relationship could end up becoming a soap opera without you even noticing it.
A relationship expert who was featured in Men’s Health’s “Stop Following Your Significant Other on Social Media” article said that if your relationship already has some pressures and stress in it, social media isn’t going to do it any favors. Plus, it can negatively impact how two people in a relationship communicate with one another.
Hmph. Sounds to me like you and your bae following each other online seems like it could ultimately do more harm than good. And although this certainly doesn’t apply to everyone, I do think there are some things that you should really ponder before requiring this in your own relational dynamic.
Know Your WHY
GiphyWanna get to the root of why you want or are about to do something? Know your why. “Knowing your why” basically consists of figuring out the true motives and/or underlying reasons for why you’re about to say or do something — and when it comes to following your partner on social media, you should definitely spend some time contemplating this.
If you need a bit of help with figuring your true why out, in the business world, there is something known as “the five whys” (some use “5” instead). It’s basically about resolving a problem by asking enough whys that will help you to get to the root of it.
For instance, if I said to you, “Why do you think that you and your partner should follow each other on social media?” and you said, “Because I want to be aware of what they are doing on there,” then my next question would be “And why is that?” and if you said something like, “Because I trust my man but I don’t trust the strangers that he engages with” (if you trust him, that should be enough, by the way) and then I said, “And why is that?” and you say, “Because one time I went on his page and saw some comments from people that I didn’t know and it bothered me” and I say, “Why?” and you say, “Because it reminded me of a time when an ex cheated on me and I never really got over it” and I follow up with a fifth why, “And you say, because, deep down, I think all men are unfaithful” — BAM, we just got to the root cause of WHY you want to follow your partner and it actually has little to do with wanting to engage in some light online fun and entertainment.
Accepting that why can help you to work through some issues that you are putting on social media that actually don’t have a ton to do with it (or your partner) at all.
Now, am I saying that every person who follows “their person” online has some deep-rooted issues? Absolutely not. Some couples follow each other and don’t think any more about it beyond following any other person who they care about. All I’m saying is if you are unbending about doing it, you should look into what that is all about. Your “why” could be quite telling.
Social Media Could Possibly Jack Up Your Intimacy
GiphySomething that kind of irks me is when people say that social media is not the real world. Chile, being social is real and media is real, and if it was just play-play, why are so many folks so consumed with and by it? Just like there can be “fake folks” at your job, in your church, and even in your social circles offline, there can sho ‘nuf be disingenuous individuals out in the social media streets; however, that doesn’t mean that social media isn’t…REAL. And the reality is that people, on average, spend somewhere around 2.5 hours daily on social media.
And if one of the people who you are “checking for” online is your partner, that can waste precious time that the two of you could be spending together. It can also cause you to communicate more online than face-to-face. Don’t believe me? Chile, I can’t BELIEVE how many clients I’ve had who argue via text. SMDH. You can’t read tone in text. Messages are oftentimes abbreviated in text. Lawd, although text was created to be a “get to the point” convenience via cell phones, it was never supposed to replace authentic communication and dialogue about serious matters. And for some people, social media pretty much does the same thing.
Couples will “fight” on social media. Couples will throw passive-aggressive shots on social media. Couples will get mad at each other and then DM each other based on things that they saw on each other’s pages via social media. Does any of that sound healthy to you?
Another way that social media can mess your relationship up? Not too long ago, I was talking to an older married man about why divorce rates seem to be higher now than back in his day. He tickled me when he said, “We used to miss our spouses because we weren’t on the phone or on some damn computer interacting with each other all damn day long.” He’s got a point. If you’re engaging, one way or another, with your partner throughout the day, that could result in you having little to say once you get home. That’s not good.
Some other things to consider when it comes to being connected on social media: well, while reading an article on a legal mediator’s website about how social media can cause breakdowns in marriage, the author said that it can be due to things like unwarranted jealousy via comparing yourself to other people, trying to control your partner’s social media (or how they choose to engage in it) and/or misinterpretations that can cause conflict (like getting mad when they like a picture or misreading an emoji that someone puts in the comments).
Drama. All this drama that could be avoided if you both agreed to let social media be one thing separately so that the two of you can build a solid foundation and spend some genuine quality time offline.
When It Comes to Healthy and Long-Lasting Relationships, Privacy Is King
GiphyAnother reason to not follow your partner online: is to keep everything private. Think that isn’t a valid point? Well, Hip-hop artist Method Man has been married to his wife, Tamika for 24 years (this year) and he has said on multiple occasions that the key to marital success is not to talk about your relationship. Actor Morris Chestnut will celebrate 30 years of marriage in 2025 to his wife, Pam and he has also said that “It’s best to keep my private life under wraps because the more you put out there, the more stories get made up.” (Interestingly enough, he also once said that flirting on social media is a deal-breaker.)
Actor Kerry Washington has been married to her husband, Nnamdi Asomugha since 2013 and they are also notorious for not discussing their relationship. Reportedly, she once told Glamour, “I have girlfriends in this business who talk about their personal lives, and it works for them, and I love it. But not for me. I learned through experience that it doesn’t work for me to talk about my personal life.” And y’all, I don’t really get how privacy is effectively and consistently maintained if you and your partner are all up on and in each other’s social media all of the time.
Indeed, if you want to set (and maintain) healthier boundaries, keep outside influences down to a minimum, and reduce the amount of opinions, perceptions, and negativity from infiltrating your relational bond — privacy is king. Online as well as off.
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Chile, I already know — some of y’all read all of this and you’re not budging. LOL. You’re going to require that you and your partner follow each other on social media and that’s all there is to it. To each their own. I just hope that you at least now see that there is a method in the madness of opting not to do it and it could actually bring more peace to your relationship by choosing not to do so.
Besides, no one said that you need to block each other. I simply said to consider the benefits that come from them not popping up in your feed nonstop. I mean, you do have each other’s number and you are a huge part of each other’s lives, right? In a healthy and solid relationship, for many…that is more than enough.Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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