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It's Time To Break 'Outercourse' All The Way Down
A few weeks ago, KevOnStage posted a video that reminded me a lot of what fascinates me about many "church folks." OK, so if you're not familiar with what Mormon soaking is, oh, it's a trip alright. I'll let Kev break it down for you:
Have y\u2019all heard of \u201csoaking\u201d? pic.twitter.com/MgHivzbCYr— Kev\u00edn (@Kev\u00edn) 1632942302
Somewhere, someone, came up with the notion that so long as a man doesn't — and yes, I'm gonna go grade school on this — put "it" all the way in or move around when he's partially in, he and his partner aren't actually having sex. Chile. CHILE. Now, before you roll your eyes over how ridiculous that sounds, do you know how many Christians who strive for some sort of sexual purity think that oral sex isn't "really sex" or that they can preserve their virginity by having anal sex? Yep. Also ridiculous. Denying something doesn't make it not so — across the board. Yet let me stay on topic.
As I thought about all of this stuff, something else that came to mind is a topic that I've been noticing on these here internets, more and more, as of late (although I'm still not quite sure why) — outercourse. I'm pretty sure you can tell, off the rip, that it's in the neighborhood of intercourse. Still, if you're not exactly sure what it is and how it's even in the realm of soaking and oral and anal sex, give me a few moments to explain.
Just What Is Outercourse?
Uh-huh. I know how some of y'all are — you like to skim, so, for you, the short definition of outercourse is it's the kind of sexual activity that doesn't include actual penetration. Although some Mormons and Christians have found a (delusional) workaround, some people consider it to be anything that doesn't include penis-in-vagina penetration. OK, so for the classic meaning of the word, outercourse is doing things like fondling, dry humping (do folks still say that, en masse?), kissing, mutual masturbation, and giving each other massages. For the "remix", oral sex, anal sex, hand jobs, fingering, and sex toys come into play.
Since there isn't any eggplant-in-the-taco (if you know what I mean) transpiring, does this mean that outercourse can qualify as abstinence? Eh. I guess it all depends on how you see abstinence. Since literal definitions include terms like self-restraint and self-denial, I'm not sure how much abstinence applies if you're somehow able to find ways to get your rocks off even without, again, putting it in. And, if you're approaching matters from a spiritual purity standpoint, lust is what the Bible frowns upon and how do you not do that when you're humping or oral-ing? Hmph. Speaking of, it's no secret that I've been abstinent for what seems like FOR-E-VER and one of my male friends once said, "Girl, if you're masturbating, you ain't abstinent. You just ain't got no n — a." He said that to me my first three years in. Ouch.
Anyway, if you've never heard the word "outercourse" before or you have yet it always sounded so — let's go with the word "unique" — that you never officially looked it up, now when it comes up online or in conversation, you know exactly what it's all about. And just why would someone find outercourse to be the lick (no pun intended)? Personally, five reasons come to mind (if you can think of more, please leave your comments underneath this post). I'll share them with you.
5 Benefits That Come from Engaging in Outercourse
1. No Pregnancy or STDs (If You’re Really Careful).
OK, so to give you some perspective, back in 2014, there were reportedly 1.9 million new STD cases. In 2019, there were 2.6 million. That's quite the leap, y'all. So, if you're looking for a way to engage in the "friction of sex" or to have an alternative to experiencing orgasm without running the risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease or pregnant, the classic definition of outercourse has your back. Now, as far as the remix goes, you can most definitely get an STD from oral and anal sex (I actually know a guy who got one from receiving fellatio; again, be careful out here!). On the pregnancy tip, you need to be using a condom when "backdoor sex" is going down, period, but you definitely need to in order to be on the safe side. Because spillage is spillage, right? And your rectum and vagina are pretty damn close together. Too close to risk it.
2. You and/or Your Partner Want to “Ease into” Sex.
One day soon, I'm gonna write an article about how love happens in layers. For many, so does sex. That said, once you've passed the kissing stage and you want more but you're not sure if it needs to be intercourse (yet), outercourse can be a good option. It can help you both to explore an intense level of foreplay, encourage you to learn each other's bodies, and still find ways to cultivate pleasure without putting the "p" into the "v."
3. You and Your Partner Don’t Have Any Protection.
Or, say that he forgot his condoms or you haven't been regular with taking your pills or you need to get a new diaphragm or you just started a new form of birth control and you're not confident enough that it's as close to foolproof as birth control can be (because NOTHING is 100 percent besides abstinence). For all of these situations, classic outercourse could be the jam because you can still climax (here's hoping anyway) without worrying about what the next week or following month could have in store.
4. You Want to “Perfect” Before-Intercourse-Activities.
OK, so here's where the classic and remix versions of outercourse can be really bomb. Whether you want you and/or your partner to get better at foreplay, you want to slow down intercourse sessions or you want to perfect a particular sexual act, this can also be where outercourse works like a charm.
For instance, say that you and your partner decide that you won't copulate until there are 30 minutes of outercourse and the focus is going to be oral sex. Then you can apply articles like "12 Things You Should Do During Oral Sex (That You Probably Aren't)", "Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This." and "Want To Have Hotter Oral Sex? STOP Doing These 8 Things." to boost your technique and that knowledge added to a set amount of time can take all-things-sex to an entirely new level!
5. You’re not Enjoying Intercourse — Just Yet.
And finally, another benefit of outercourse is, I've worked with some married couples who…let's just say that they didn't see any fireworks during their wedding night or even the weeks and months that followed. Outercourse can be good for them because it's taking intercourse off the table so that there's less pressure while still encouraging them to learn what works and what doesn't…in other ways.
So, there you have it — enough info on outercourse to where at least you know what's going on and you can bring it up to your partner if any of the perks seem like a win to you. Just remember that the classic comes with the least risk, the remix is getting really close to the actual act and Mormon soaking is pretty ludicrous — and definitely qualifies as intercourse. Not outercourse.
Featured image by Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
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The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Exclusive: Will Packer Talks 'Fight Night,' New Book And Celebrating Nine Years Of Marriage
Will Packer has a lot to celebrate. His limited series Fight Night: The Million Dollar Heist premiered on Thursday on Peacock. He just celebrated nine years of marriage to his wife, Heather Packer, and he has a self-help book coming out at the top of next year. xoNecole had a chance to chat with the boss during the premiere of Fight Night, and he gave us gems about love and career.
The executive producer shares the motivation behind creating this film, which features a star-studded cast, including Kevin Hart, Taraji P. Henson, Terrence Howard, Lori Harvey, and more.
"It was pitched to me as a true life story that I didn't know. I didn't know this story. And I was like, how can I not know such an incredible piece of not just Atlanta history, not just Georgia history, but the history of the United States, honestly," he says.
"And having the opportunity to come make this, put a great cast together, I then produced the podcast, along with some incredible folks that are here after we did the original, and that is what became the limited series."
True Crime only adds to the diverse genres Will has tackled over his career. With classic films like Stomp The Yard, fan favorites like Girls' Trip, and his popular dating shows like Ready To Love and The Never Ever Mets, he has proven that he can do it all and be successful at it, too.
"True Crime. It's a period piece, but you know what? Good content is good content. People can watch anything they want because there's such an oversaturation of content out there right now. So for me, at the end of the day, it's about what's the story."
He continues, "What are we telling people? What is important to get people to care? I want audiences to be engaged. I want them to feel something when they see a Will Packer project. And I thought there was a tremendous opportunity to not only let them know a story that they may not know but also wildly entertain them. That's what I want. That's what this is about. It is extremely entertaining."
Through it all, he has had a supportive partner by his side. On August 28, Will shared a post with his wife, Heather, celebrating their anniversary. "NINE Years down! More lifetimes to go! (Let's come back and do this again 😜) HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BABEE!!!😍 ❤️," he wrote.
During our interview, the lovely couple shared the key to having a strong relationship. "Making each other happy, putting your partner before yourself," Heather says.
Will also chimed in saying, "Because when I work really hard to make her happy and she's happy, she's going to do everything in her power to make me happy, but it requires you being selfless.
He continues, "It requires in those moments where you want to be all about me, me, me, that you can't be like that and you gotta be about the other person and know and have faith that they're going to reciprocate that back to you."
What's next for the father of two is his book, Who Better Than You?: The Art of Healthy Arrogance & Dreaming Big. Will describes the book as "inspirational" and "motivational."
"I've been in Hollywood now for over three decades, and through that time, I've dealt with some of the biggest personalities, egos and challenges," he says. "But the reason that I've been successful is the belief that, not that I could be successful, but that I deserve success. And that's what I dare other people to do in this book. I dare you to realize that you are predestined for success. It's a state of mind."
Fight Night is out on Peacock now.
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