When I think of femininity, I think of all the things my mother raised me to be as a young girl, a young woman, and now as a whole grown woman. Clean. Elegant and eloquent. Respectful, disciplined, and tactful. Poised, proper, and presentable. As I am writing this, it reminds me of Daphne Bridgerton in the Netflix series Bridgerton. While I am still all of the things I mentioned, I am naturally casual, organized, independent, strong, focused, righteous, adventurous, analytical, and linear. And because of all of these things, I am accomplished. I have to be these things – this is how I succeed in a gender-biased society. But because of all these things, I am masculine. Sometimes, I even curse like a sailor and walk out of the house looking like a hot mess too.
And – nothing about that is feminine. At least not in the traditional sense of the word.
When it comes to tapping into your divine feminine, there are levels to this shit. I never knew I leaned masculine, let alone what masculine or feminine energy truly was until I started my own spiritual journey. But in this moment, I am not here to share that story with you. I am here to tell you becoming more feminine is a level of consciousness, self-care, and inner work that you must be open to doing. It's layers of learning, unlearning, and shedding.
Question – Unlearn what though? Answer – thoughts, patterns, behaviors, and more.
So, sit with me as I break this down for you.
What Does It Mean to Be More Feminine?
We're told being feminine is in a woman's presentation. It is how we appeal to society physically and how we present ourselves. It's about our hair, skin, and the shape of our bodies. It involves our choices in make-up, clothing styles, and color choices. Let's stop right here – this idea of femininity is all surface level and a societal standard told to us by men. I'm starting to sound a little feminist, but I don't mean to be and that's beside the point. Feminine energy is more than just physical. We are also told that femininity is behavioral. It is soft, modest, submissive, gentle, nurturing, and warm. Again, a societal standard that still scratches the surface of what it means to be feminine.
This definition of feminine energy is old, historical, traditional, and biased. Divine Feminine Energy is so much more than what we are told.
It is purely magical.
What Is Divine Feminine Energy?
Divine feminine energy has always existed. It is a concept that stems from spirituality. ABustle article states that consciousness is divided into two sides – masculine and feminine. Both sides are needed to become our highest selves. The Divine Feminine is concerned with a sense of self. It's a powerful energy that is associated with creativity, intuition, community, sensuality, and collaboration.
When you tap into your feminine energy, it helps build stronger relationships with friends, significant others, and colleagues. According to an article frommindbodygreen.com, feminine energy refers to how you move with the flow of life, embrace your creative energy, dance, play, and attune to your internal process. Divine feminine energy is not associated with or tied to gender. Both men and women equally possess feminine energy.
Tapping Into Your Divine Feminine Energy
There are several ways to tap into your feminine energy. It involves a level of self-awareness, consistency, and commitment to daily practices. Here are some ways you can tap into your feminine energy below.
Put Some Orange In Your Life
Orange is the color of our sacral chakra. It is located below the navel and centered in the womb. Our sacral chakra carries our feminine energy. It's where our creativity and sexuality live. You can eat foods like oranges, cantaloupes, tangerines, carrots, and sweet potatoes to help keep the sacral chakra balanced.
Co-Create Your Life
Get creative – we are on this earth to live and experience but also to create. Women have been given the gift and power to create human life through our bodies. But why should it stop here? We can create through artistic expression. This means writing, painting, singing, poetry, music, and dance. I have said this before, but I'll say it again – author your own life. Create the life you want to live with all the elements you desire in it.
Feel The Shit Out of Everything
Honor your feelings – but not just the good ones, feel the bad ones too. Cry, scream, yell, or smile. Do all of it. Your feelings are a thousand percent valid. Part of divine feminine energy is allowing yourself to feel every single emotion. And to reflect and understand why these feelings are brought about. Allow yourself to process your feelings and listen to how you feel. Ask yourself what this person, situation, or event is trying to tell you or teach you. Trust your intuition – let your feelings make your decisions rather than your thoughts. Your body will feel the answer before your mind starts to think of an answer.
Indulge In Pleasure
Do more of whatever brings you joy. This could look like enjoying food, wine, candles, or a bubble bath. This can also look like a walk in the park, hiking, rollerblading, or an impromptu beach day. It's your responsibility to be the love and light in your life. It's only when you have found your happiness that you're able to bring happiness into other people's lives. We often mistake pleasure for an event we enjoy with a person or a group of people. Sometimes it is, and other times it doesn't have to be. It's OK to enjoy moments alone. And If you enjoy sex, there is nothing wrong with self-pleasure. By all means, explore your body and give yourself that orgasm. You need it.
Be Open to Receiving
It is true – what we put out into the universe is what we receive. So, be aware of your thoughts, actions, and how you move through life. Being open to receive also means when you ask for something, you will receive an abundance of it. There is nothing wrong with asking for help, favors, or support when it's needed. Equally, there is nothing wrong with receiving compliments either. Embrace the love and light that comes your way, and then return it tenfold. It'll come back to you in ways you didn't imagine before.
Watch Your Divine Feminine Transform Your Life
When you tap into your feminine energy, it enables life transformation. I am a living example, like many other women who have tapped into their feminine energy. It's a type of energy that is restorative, inspirational, and vibrant. It is gentle, warm, and playful.
Connecting with your divine feminine is a powerful journey that will help you discover your superpower, soul's purpose, and become more aligned with who you are. And once you learn these things and start to live in your purpose – consider yourself unstoppable.
You begin to thrive. Your dreams start to manifest. Your life unfolds the way it was meant to. The process of transformation is scary but necessary to shed the old to create the new in our lives.
We all have feminine energy, but we tend to let our masculine energy dominate. And balancing both energies is not easy. You have to constantly check in with yourself. Sometimes you have to put yourself in check too. Feminine energy requires you to build a relationship with yourself. And if you haven't heard this already, your relationship with yourself is the greatest relationship you will ever have.
So, are you ready to tap in?
I invite you to reawaken your divine feminine. I invite you to step into this journey of self-exploration.
I promise you won't regret it.
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Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
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GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
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CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
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LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
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VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
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LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
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The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
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Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
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CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
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AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
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PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Featured image by Kyra Jay for xoNecole
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
GiphyAight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
GiphyWhen it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
GiphyYou know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
____
Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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