

I like dates. That's why I try and write about them as much as possible (check out "15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language", "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)" and "When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?"). Here's the tripped out thing, though—when I talk to single women about dating and their expectations, it's kind of amazing—and by "amazing", I mean unfortunate—how few have a real standard to go on. What I mean by that is, how few seem to even get what qualifies as a real date (or they seem to manipulate the basis for dating which is another article altogether).
While I do think that there are different levels and even purposes to dating (for instance, even though I think married couples should date as well, their reason for doing so is a bit different than someone who is on their fourth or fifth date with someone new), a good date is something we all are deserving of. And if you're single and not in an exclusive long-term situation—which is who I am writing this particular piece for—you definitely should have some clear expectations of what a real date entails.
Yes, this is all my personal opinion and I'm certainly open to your own hot takes in the comment session. Still, I think that if you take even half of these into consideration the next time you decide to go out with someone, you'll be able to return home feeling confident that a date is exactly what you experienced. Ready to see what's on my list?
1. There’s a Plan in Place
If there is no other takeaway from this particular article, please keep this one in your psyche for the rest of your dating life. When two people are on a date, the date should come as the result of some sort of plan. Am I saying that there can't be spontaneous moments between two people that are wonderful, memorable and quality time-filled? Of course, there can be. Yet when someone wants to spend precious time with another individual, it's my personal opinion that some forethought should be put into that, especially during the beginning stages of a relationship.
Otherwise, it kinda comes off as, "I mean, I didn't really have anything better to do. Meet me at the [insert name here] restaurant real quick." We make plans for work. We make plans for the weekend. We make plans to hang with our homies. So, hell yeah, a date should also have a plan. Otherwise, it's more like a random get together or hangout. Which again, is cool. It's not a real date—in the traditional sense—qualifier, though.
2. You’re Not in Either Person's Home
I've had dates in my house. I've experienced dates at a man's place. You know what, though? Neither happened during the first several weeks of dating. And while some a couple of months might seem like for-e-ver to some of y'all, it really isn't if you're someone who is intentional about honoring your personal space and the kind of energy that comes into it. While I'm all about cooking a meal in my kitchen for that special boo thang, you don't get to "boo status" during the first three dates.
Besides, although I semi-loathe the Lifetime channel, I've seen enough of its movies to not want to end up in someone's closet for three weeks because I went to their house before I knew their character well enough to know what they're capable of. Another point? Many of my male friends have told me that a man who is quick to want to bring you home is someone who is less interested in what is happening from the neck up, if you know what I mean.
Bottom line, house space should be seen as a great privilege more than a mere convenience. Don't be so quick to let someone in yours until they have earned the "honor" of being able to do so.
3. Money Is Spent
I listen to a lot of podcasts, so I can't remember which one I heard a particular phrase on. All I know is, when I did, it tripped me right on out. Someone said that there's an epidemic of women who ONLY go on dates in order to get a free meal. They are not interested in the guy. They don't plan on seeing him more than once. Yet if they can get a man to take them to some place they've always wanted to go, they will "sacrifice" their time and go because it's not on their time. What these kinds of "dates" are called are "foodie calls". While that is hilarious to me, it also causes me to roll my eyes in disappointment because that's a form of using someone and if you don't want to be used, you shouldn't create your own karma in that way. So, when I say that money should be spent, I am not cosigning on using a man. Not at all.
This point pretty much connects to the last one that I just made. And really, when you stop to think about it, the point before that one too. Here's why—I'm not sure how much planning you can do, outside of your home, without spending a single dime. Even if the date is an outdoor picnic, you've probably got to pick up some ice for a cooler, some fresh flowers or something. My main point here is a date should be seen as an investment and oftentimes, when we think of investing, money is the first thing that comes to mind. The amount is irrelevant. How it was spent into creating a memorable date, though? That very much is a valid point.
4. Chivalry’s Displayed
If ever there was a subject that causes me to chuckle at how double standards tend to play out between men and women, it's chivalry. The reason why I say that is because, some of the main women who say that "chivalry is dead" are also the ones who claim that they want patriarchy, in all of its forms, to go away. Umm, you do know that chivalry is birthed out of patriarchy, right?
Although patriarchy has been taken to disturbing extremes, at the end of the day, it's about male leadership/authority and if you want a man to ask you out, open doors, pay for meals…someday propose—that's him leading. I hope it goes without saying that pretty much anything that's taken to the extreme is going to prove to be problematic AF. Still, to say that you hate "all things patriarchy", you're basically saying that you want chivalry to go out of the door along with it. Perhaps as collateral damage yet out nonetheless. Just something to think about.
As a complementarian myself (a belief that men and women have equal value with different purposes that complement one another), I am all about some good ole' chivalry. When a man is naturally a gentleman, it reveals a lot about how he's been raised, how he thinks a woman should be treated and how he will provide for and protect her should things go to another level in the future. And since, to me, dates are a lot like a job interview—not in the sense of interrogating people (please don't do that) but in the sense of really seeing if you're a good fit—chivalry should show up. If it's a real date, that is.
5. Meaningful Conversation Is Had
Technically, dinner and a movie are a date. It's not my favorite thing on the planet because it's super predictable and something that I like to see show up on a date is creativity. Another reason why it's not my favorite thing—especially during the first 3-5 dates—is oftentimes restaurants are loud (either because of the other people or the music) and you definitely can't bond in a movie theater over all of the noise on the screen.
So, unless the date is gonna consist of eating outside on a porch or taking a long walk after a film, encourage your dates to be elsewhere—at least for a little while. The main reason why is because, more than anything, what should be transpiring on a date, is open and honest communication. You need to be able to look at each other, make eye contact and feel comfortable asking and answering questions. A date that's designed to cultivate good communication is definitely something that qualifies as a real date in my book.
6. Distractions Are Removed
I don't know why in the world folks would go on a date and keep their phone on (unless you have kids or are on-call) or they would go on a date that has televisions everywhere or music that is booming. OK, so what about a concert? Is that a real date? It is. Especially if someone takes you to hear a favorite artist or something. Again, because of things that we've already discussed, it shouldn't be the "end all" of that date, though. Either some quiet time needs to happen prior to walking in or after walking out. Bottom line with this point is a real date is when both people are all about the other person. The focus is on them and solely them. If one or both of you are all over the place when it comes to where you're placing your attention, what are you on the date for in the first place?
7. Sex Isn’t Involved
I know. Some folks have sex on first dates. Noted. Remember, this article isn't about sex; it's about what constitutes as a real date and I can't tell you how many people I've talked to, over the course of my lifetime, who aren't sure if they've ever been on an actual date because so many of their experiences have consisted of some variation of "Netflix and Chill". Ugh. That's why Jeremih's "Birthday Sex" kinda irks me. Floating on your waterbed is my birthday present? No sir. Don't even try it (LOL).
Sex is great. Full stop. Still, when you're in the beginning stages of a relationship, to call that a "date" is kind of a lazy approach. And don't even get me started on how it can muddle your thinking because far too many of us have fallen victim to confusing good sex with a great relationship (check out "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner").
If anything, sex should culminate a date not be something that constitutes being one—and even then, not all of the time. Shoot, even when you go on sex dates, there should be some effort put into it (a hotel room, rose petals on the bed and floor, etc.). Anyway, if this has you totally thrown because you can't remember the last time you were swept off of your feet without there being a bed beneath you, I'm glad you're reading this. Require some non-sex dates. You're worth it.
8. You Feel Special
To be special is to be set apart. Synonyms for this word include exceptional, different, rare, unique and exclusive. Keeping this in mind, when you're done going on a date with someone and one of your friends hits you up and ask how it went, if something along the lines of these words doesn't come out of your mouth, I don't think it should count as a real date.
Again, it can't be emphasized enough that this isn't about how much money was spent. It's about you walking away and thinking, "Man, this guy really put some time, effort and energy into making sure that I believed him when he said that he wanted to spend some quality time with me." When it's a real date, it's special—exceptional, different, rare, unique and exclusive—because you are all of those things. And a special date is the only date you should be going on. Straight up.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak