Something that’s really cool about having friends for more than a decade of time is you literally get to watch each other grow, shift, and even transform — this includes spiritually, emotionally, professionally, relationally, and yes, physically. When it comes to my male friends, what has been beyond fascinating on the sexual tip (which is pretty much where the relational and physical “meet”) is how horny they seemed to be in their 20s and early to mid-30s vs. how they get once they hit about 36 or 37.
Don’t get me wrong, they still like sex (a lot). It’s just that…many of them start talking about having less energy, not being as consumed by getting some all of the time, and even gaining weight (as some start to lose their hair too).
Hmm…isn’t it interesting that whenever women start going through changes once they reach their mid-30s to early 40s, we automatically tack menopause (or perimenopause) onto them and yet, when men are experiencing their own “modifications,” we don’t quickly associate a word for them — even though there is one? And that word, my friends, is andropause.
If you’ve never heard of andropause before (or you have but you’re not exactly sure what it means), I’m going to do my best to break it down for you over the next few minutes. Because just like menopause is pretty much an unavoidable season of life for us, andropause is the exact same thing for the men in your world. Science has proven it.
So, What Is Andropause All About?
GiphyIf you really paid attention to all that I said in the intro, I’m sure some of you are like, “Okay, so andropause is basically ‘male menopause’” — and to a large extent, you would be correct. Still, probably the best way to explain andropause is it’s the stage in a man’s life when his testosterone levels begin to significantly drop (which is also known as hypogonadism which is why andropause is oftentimes called age-related hypogonadism). Although some health experts say that this begins to happen to men once they hit the age of 50, others say that around 40 is when testosterone begins to decrease on a pretty noticeable level.
The reason why this is super relevant is because a drop in testosterone can impact a man’s health on a myriad of different levels. That’s because testosterone is a hormone that is responsible for things like:
- Developing and maintaining genitalia
- Developing and maintaining muscle mass
- Developing and maintaining bone density
- Keeping one’s sex drive at an optimal level
- Stimulating the production of sperm
Okay, so what are some pretty clear indicators that a man may be producing less testosterone than he has in the past?
- A low(er) libido
- Going through the challenges of maintaining a (strong) erection
- Accumulating more body fat
- Having less bone and muscle mass
- Possibly having a (slightly) smaller penis and/or set of testicles
- Shifts in moods when it comes to handling stress and anxiety
- Hair loss
- Hot flashes (yes, hot flashes)
- Experiencing erratic sleep patterns
- Super dry skin
- Experiencing excessive sweating
- Having a lowered sense of self-esteem
Now, for accuracy’s sake, I think it’s important to share that even though men losing testosterone over time is pretty much inevitable, most lose somewhere around one percent (some experts say it’s more like 1.6 percent) per year between the ages of 30-40 and, by the time they turn 70, they drop is about 30 percent beneath what their hormone levels actually should be.
This is important to put on record because it shows that just like menopause isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” experience for women, andropause isn’t for men — some will go through more drastic changes than others and it may not be until they are much older before the changes are highly significant.
How Is Andropause Diagnosed and Treated?
GiphyOkay, so what if a guy is experiencing a few of the symptoms that I just mentioned? How can he find out if it’s directly connected to andropause? Listen, something that I am a fan of both men and women doing around the age of 40 is getting their hormone levels checked. Similar to how people can find out a lot about how their body responds/reacts to food by taking a food allergy test, to me, a hormone test is similarly beneficial. What I mean by that is, so often, something can be going on with us physically and we’re tempted to slightly freak out when, if we simply took a hormone test, we would get the clarity that we are seeking.
So yeah, if a man in your life doesn’t quite “feel like himself,” an appointment to check his levels would be a really wise move. That usually consists of him discussing his family history and taking a blood test (preferably in the morning when T cells are at their highest). For the record, there are also at-home hormone tests that are available; however, in order to get the most thorough results, a full examination by a physician is best.
What Are Some Home Remedies for Andropause?
GiphyAnd what if “he” does end up being diagnosed with andropause? Are there some all-natural approaches that he can take? Absolutely.
Take certain supplements. If the men in your life aren’t already taking a multivitamin, ASAP would be a great time for them to start. One reason is because three nutrients that are usually in them are zinc, magnesium, and vitamin D and those are really effective when it comes to maintaining testosterone levels. Another supplement that’s also worth considering is DHEA; it helps to increase the production of testosterone.
Tweak the diet (a bit). Thankfully, there are foods that help to increase testosterone levels as well. Some of them include dark leafy greens, fatty fish, ginger, pomegranates, avocados, egg yolks, olive oil, cocoa and even honey. While we’re on the subject, foods that should be consumed in more moderation include processed food (meaning junk food), mint, soy-based foods (because they are a phytoestrogen), dairy, and high carbs like pastries.
Maintain a healthy weight. Something that is pretty irrefutable when it comes to maintaining a healthy level of testosterone is that the larger someone’s waist is, the easier it is for testosterone levels to drop. In fact, some studies reveal that 40 percent of obese nondiabetic men and 50 percent of obese diabetic men have low testosterone levels. Moral to the story: encourage him to keep his weight under control.
Exercise. Aside from eating a healthy diet, definitely the easiest and fastest way to lose weight is to exercise 30-45 minutes at least three days a week. As far as testosterone levels go, research reveals that it’s another way to increase it too (albeit somewhat temporarily). So, you know what that means, right? Working out in the gym and then rewarding that by “working out” in the bedroom can help you to get the most out of a man’s testosterone levels. Hell, come to think of it…yours too.
Take power naps. Sleep deprivation is problematic on so many levels. Not only is it tied to health-related issues like heart disease, strokes, obesity, depression, and depression, but a lack of adequate rest can also throw off hormone levels. One study even said that after a week of only five hours of sleep per night, young men’s testosterone levels decreased by as much as 10-15 percent. So, even if the man in your life can’t get a consistent 6-8 hours of shut-eye in, encourage him to at least take a power nap of 15-20 minutes a day. It can do wonders.
Limit the alcohol intake. Although there are some ways that alcohol can actually benefit your health and well-being (check out “10 Ways Alcohol Can Be Good For You Past A Great Buzz”), it definitely shouldn’t be enjoyed in excess. Also, if the goal is to increase testosterone levels, it might need to be done away with altogether. That’s because research shows that alcohol has the ability to disrupt testosterone production to the point where it can tank testosterone levels, contribute to erectile dysfunction, and lower a man’s sex drive.
Monitor BPA consumption levels too. Bisphenol A (BPA) is a chemical that basically mimics estrogen. Since estrogen is the hormone that we as women naturally process (far more than men just like they produce way more testosterone in their system than we do), it would make sense that BPA would affect things like testosterone production and a man’s sperm count. Since, unfortunately, BPA is featured in some packaging products and plastics, before purchasing items, read the labels to make sure that they specifically say that they are BPA-free.
3 Tips for Supporting Your Man As He Goes Through Andropause
GiphySomething else that isn’t discussed enough: supporting men as they go through andropause, just like they should support us as we go through menopause. As I close this out, I’ve got a few ways to do that.
1. Do your own research on andropause. Just like new intel comes out on menopause, andropause can’t be covered in just one article. So, now that you know that andropause is indeed a thing, help the men in your life out by researching the topic and sharing what you find out. Lowered testosterone isn’t any man’s favorite topic of discussion; however, the more they know, the easier it will be to adjust to their life transitions.
2. Encourage him to get his hormones tested. It can’t be said enough that a guy who is around 40 (or a guy who is experiencing the symptoms that I mentioned, regardless of his age) should check his hormone levels. If the men/man in your life would prefer to do it from the convenience and privacy of his own home, Everlywell is a pretty trusted brand (although the test ain’t cheap). He can purchase their Men’s Health Test here.
3. Remember the Golden Rule (especially now). If the guy who is going through andropause is also the man who you are (currently) sleeping with, please remember the Golden Rule of treating him the way that you would want to be treated. Meaning, you wouldn’t want it constantly pointed out if you were experiencing vaginal dryness, hot flashes, or less of a desire for sex — so, why would he want to have endless conversations about struggling to maintain an erection (sometimes), gaining weight or feeling like his penis is not as big as it once seemed? The reality is that hormonal changes are eventually coming for us all. Having compassion and expressing empathy are effective ways to maintain emotional closeness and trust.
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Andropause. Like I said earlier, although the topic doesn’t come up a ton, I hope you now see why it should. It really is time out for the spotlight to only be on us and what we go through when it comes to time and hormones. Men should be a part of the chat too — since both of those things also affect them…and ultimately us too.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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