Energy Vampire Sucking You Dry? Here's How To Spot & Confront Draining Relationships
Have you ever spent an extended amount of time around someone, and after returning to your own space, you realize, “Wow, I’m drained”? Or maybe there’s a friend that can’t help but rehash the same situation, sucking the life out of your time together. From our family to co-workers and even friends, we can find ourselves in dynamics with people who seem to zap the emotional or mental energy out of those around us. And if you can relate, you may have come across an "energy vampire."
What Is an “Energy Vampire"?
Individuals who exhibit behaviors such as constant complaining, negativity, or an insatiable need for attention, are typically associated with the term energy vampires.
“An energy vampire is a person who tends to leave the people they come across and interact with feeling emotionally drained after said interaction, often due to a consistently expressed, perhaps overly pessimistic perspective,” Dr. Byron Young, a Child, Adolescent & Adult Psychiatrist and Selfmade Mental Health Expert tells xoNecole.
“These people not only have a very ‘woe-is-me’ attitude but often share it and ask those around them to engage with that pessimistic or heavy attitude,” he adds.
When identifying the traits of an energy vampire, you may find yourself feeling the effects of their presence before actually identifying them as such. “They sometimes look to others to hold their emotional baggage or to offer a kinder perspective than the one they have, placing their emotional healing work on the shoulders of others,” Dr. Young says.
What Causes Energy Vampire Behavior?
It may be easy to label a person exhibiting energy-draining behavior as “intentionally self-centered” or self-victimizing, but recognizing the complexity of their backgrounds from a place of empathy could be an effective approach.
“These individuals often want folks to join them in their difficult perspective or are reaching for others to give empathy and sympathy as a way to feel cared for,” Dr. Young shares. “These folks can often struggle with self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.”
While Dr. Young doesn’t fully agree with the terminology around the term “vampire” due to it being “somewhat dehumanizing language,” he emphasizes that a more nuanced understanding of those displaying these characteristics may be more appropriate.
“There is an underlying emotional health or boundary-setting issue in the folks being drained by said vampire, as things like anxiety or deep introversion are common reasons people might feel drained by another person, energy vampire or not,” he says. “I think those who struggle with setting boundaries with others due to a myriad of reasons may be more susceptible to creating energy vampire situations where they may not have to.”
He also notes that individuals exhibiting energy vampire tendencies may have underlying personality pathology.
“At the most extreme levels, many of these individuals may suffer from personality pathology. Particularly disorders like Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” he says.
How To Spot the Signs of an Energy Vampire
It’s safe to say that being in the presence of an energy vampire can be draining, which can result in emotional and mental exhaustion from prolonged interactions. While these individuals may not necessarily be aware of their impact on others, noticing the behavior can be a productive first step in confronting it.
“I think the first step is reflecting and scanning how you feel after spending time with a person like that,” he says, “Asking yourself, 'Is this pattern a way I often feel after interacting with people in general?’ can highlight if there is perhaps some self-work to be done.”
How To Protect Your Energy From Energy Vampires
If consistent patterns of emotional heaviness or a sense of being emotionally drained emerge after interacting with a specific individual, it may be time to set boundaries, practice self-care, and foster open communication to deal with energy vampires in personal and professional dynamics. Dr. Young recommends the following:
1. Prioritize Your Emotional Well-Being:
“Making sure that you are taking care of yourself emotionally and working on your own self-esteem or anxiety struggles is key. The airplane analogy of ‘putting your mask on before others’ is so often a helpful framework to live by.”
2. Set Healthy Boundaries:
“Unfortunately, our society often rewards those who impede on boundaries. There is such a fear or setting that are reinforced for a myriad of reasons, including the patriarchy, and that truly has to change. Setting boundaries has to be a way we value our own humanity, dignity, and self-respect.”
3. Create Healthy Distance:
“If our boundaries and expression of our needs in any relationship are not met, we must have the courage to create healthy distance from those relationships that don’t serve us or are deleterious to our own sense of wellness, no matter who the person is.”
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Before getting married and becoming a mother, Danielle Brooks was just fine focusing on her career.
“I did not want children,” Brooks shared on the first episode of Pregnant Pause, a new podcast for Black women at the intersection of motherhood and ambition. “I was one of those women who believed I was not gonna be married and I was not gonna have kids, and I was ok with that.”
But after meeting her now husband Dennis Gelin, The Color Purple actress had second thoughts about building a family. And one moment in particular rocked her world and changed her mind.
While playing the role of Sophia in The Color Purple on Broadway and playing Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson on the Netflix series Orange is the New Black, Brooks shared she struggled with severe acne and decided to get on Accutane. However, because it is a potent teratogen, meaning it can cause significant harm to a developing fetus, experts warn the retinoid medication should never be taken during pregnancy due to the high risk of severe birth defects. When Brooks found out she was pregnant while taking the medication she realized she did, in fact, want a child.
“I will never forget, when I saw that pregnancy test, I broke down,” she said. “And it wasn’t out of fear. I broke down because I realized I wanted to be a mom, and that option was no longer on the table in this moment. And it shocked the hell out of me.”
Brooks eventually had her daughter Freeya in November 2019, and got married in 2022. Today she juggles her career with being a wife and mother and got real on how hard it can be but how necessary it is to pull back at times.
“There are moments in motherhood, in marriage, in life that you need stillness,” she said. “And I’m learning that that is ok and beautiful.”
Watch her full interview on the Pregnant Pause Podcast here, or listen to the episode on Apple, Spotify, iHeart or where you listen to podcasts.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
"I'm Not Your Therapist": David Banner Gets Real About Grown Folks & Loving Black Women Out Loud
David Banner didn't come to the xoMAN podcast to play.
With his salted goatee and signature Banner stare, he's got the internet in a bit of a chokehold, and rightfully so. In one of the most recent episodes of the xoMAN podcast, the rapper, producer, activist, and unapologetic truth-teller kept it all the way real with our host Kiara Walker. The 51-year-old got deep about ego, healing, and what it really means to love Black women out loud.
And another thing he makes clear? The fact that he's done trying to fix people who don't want to fix themselves.
"Sometimes we feel like we can change things with people. People are grown. That's why most of the things I do focus on kids. Cuz grown-ups, they talk stuff, but done made up their mind about the people that they want to be, you know. And I don't really have time to--I'm done with that, trying to change people and be people therapists," David shares matter-of-factly.
Adding, "This is something that is slightly rude, but I do it a lot. I'll tell people that I really care about, 'I'm not your therapist.'... I'm not your therapist. That one ain't for me. I am not trained for that, you know what I'm saying?"
Can the church say amen?
When Kiara slid in a question about what would make him happy in a partner right now, David didn't hesitate, sharing, "Somebody that wants me and doesn't need me. And that's financially, that's spiritually, that's mentally. Somebody that's doing the self-work. They got their own things going on. Somebody that I can miss sometimes... I would love that."
David, who's known for playing up the piercing intensity of his stare, can crack a megawatt smile that takes your breath away in an instant, and he did just that, radiating as he talked about his appreciation for the way Black women have been showing up for him lately.
"As hard as I play sometimes, I am really honored with the way that Black women are loving on me right now. I act like I'm unfazed but it's sweet. And they're very vocal about it... I do what I do to honor the Black woman and I'm glad that they're taking it the right way because I'm very serious about what I do."
Still, don't expect the Fight Night star to get comfortable with all the praise. To him, it's not something to be marveled, but to be expected. He's a man doing what he feels a man should do.
"The only thing about it I hate that people make it something special when it's just what a man is supposed to do... A man is supposed to look you directly in the eye. What is a man hiding that he can't? You know what I'm saying? If you are a woman, you're supposed to want to be around a man that's going to protect you... So it's like for me, I try not to marvel in the things that I am supposed to do as a man."
And we all collectively swoon.
Watch the full episode of xoMAN featuring David Banner on YouTube here and see why it is this conversation and his particular brand of salt and pepper still have the people talking.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by Erik Pendzich/Shutterstock