I'm going to be totally transparent here. The reason why I even pitched this topic to my editor is because, while there are actually few things that I'm extremely comfortable saying that I am (label-wise), when it comes to sexual attraction, sapiosexual would absolutely have to top the list. Matter of fact, out of the 14 guys that I've sexually been with, something that about 90 percent of them have in common is how smart and witty they are. I won't lie to you—many of them were also commitment-phobes, narcissistic and selfish AF, but because I am such a sapiosexual, I tended to overlook a lot of that because of the good conversations and flirty banter that they had to offer. Plus, I always seemed to learn something new or gain a broader perspective whenever I hung out with them. Yeah, while some people are drawn to muscles or beards (which I totally get), I'm more into brains.
If you can relate to where I'm coming from, but you've never quite been able to put your finger on why you're wired this way, welcome to a very special club. Here's what it truly means to be a sapiosexual, sis.
What Exactly Is a Sapiosexual?
I know that I pretty much gave away the meaning of what a sapiosexual is in the intro, but just so your crystal clear, a sapiosexual is an individual who finds intelligence to be a sexual turn-on. Now, there's a clear thing that makes this different from people who are merely drawn to intelligent people. For those of us who are sapiosexuals, whenever we engage in a mentally stimulating conversation with a smart individual, it's more than just interesting or fascinating. If you're halfway our physical type, you have some level of chivalry and you're smart AF?! Whew chile, that is like a peak aphrodisiac. No joke.
I mean, if I'm to be really real about it, I think that's a main reason why I was such a "man recycler" for so long. While very few men were total assholes to me (and they know exactly who they are), some did take me for granted or ended up totally wasting my time. Still, every couple of years, we'd find ourselves back in, at the very least, a situationship. It wasn't because I had selective memory either. Hmph, come to think about it, oftentimes it wasn't even because the sex was outstanding (although, in some instances, it was exactly that). It was because a catch-up call would turn into a three-hour conversation, a few days in a row—and that would have me back feenin'-some-type-of-way. This is what it means to be a sapiosexual, y'all. It's when the mind of a person can have you so caught up, that it's seductive and entrancing—even when you want it to be anything and everything but.
What Are Some Telling Signs That You Probably Are a Sapiosexual?
So, now that you know a little bit more about what a sapiosexual is and how they can affect you, what are some of the signs that you have a super strong sexual attraction to intellectual men, perhaps without immediately realizing it? Let's touch on five of 'em real quick.
1. First interactions tend to be pretty intense (in a good way).
One telling sign that you are sho 'nuf a sapiosexual is you're not big on small talk. Anything that comes off as feeling surface or shallow feels like a complete waste of your precious time. Small talk also makes us wonder if still waters truly do run deep. That's why, when, upon meeting someone new, if they are willing to not break eye contact and ask a question that we feel, not only caught us a bit off guard but is profound in its own special way, that is the kind of individual who can hold our attention for longer than a couple of minutes. Or a few dates (and nights), if he's lucky.
2. Debating is flirting for you.
If nothing gets you all hot 'n bothered like a good (and respectful) debate with a man who actually knows what the hell he is talking about, you very well might be a sapiosexual. See, for us, what others might consider to be an argument, we tend to see it more as a match of wits; verbally sparring and flirting, if you will. Anyone who knows enough to even hold our attention long enough to where we want to make the time to debate with them, that is someone we want to get to know…even more.
3. You find a date at a bookstore or the reading of a famous author to be the perfect date.
While some women might find a first (or third) date at a bookstore or reading of some sort to be boring or cheap, that is so not the case for a sapiosexual. Knowing that a man doesn't just "know how to read" but makes reading a priority during his leisure time and/or knows enough about the literature world to keep abreast of authors and poets, that will bring butterflies into the stomach of a true sapiosexual like nobody's business. It's a sign that, not only is the guy in tune with his intellectual side, he makes learning more of a top priority. And that? That is dope. Sexy as hell too.
4. You LOVE a man who articulates himself well.
To be fair, most women probably appreciate this character trait. Still, this point hits a bit different for a sapiosexual. We adore a vast vocabulary. We profoundly appreciate when grammar is applied correctly. We look for clear indications of a man's emotional intelligence and self-awareness. It is sexy AF to us when a man knows, more than just a little bit, about pretty much any and every topic that comes up. If he's bilingual, that's even better, chile. Shoot, we don't even mind when he corrects us if we use a word out of context or mispronounce it because, if he's a sapiosexual as well, he doesn't mind when we return the favor. Yeah, a sapiosexual is all about, not just desiring a good communicator, but a master articulator too.
5. Acumen IS foreplay.
Although long-distance relationships can be challenging for a lot of people, sapiosexuals tend to be able to handle it better than many, so long as consistent conversations are had and each one is mentally challenging and stimulating. That's because, as long as we're being mentally stimulated, our longing to be physically with our partner can be satiated; at least for a (little) while. Matter of fact, because a man's acumen (keen insight) is such a turn-on for us, when we are with the one we're seeing, we can find ourselves wanting to rip their clothes off, before they even touch us, if they are able to share a fun fact we've never heard of or quote our favorite writer or all around brilliant person (even though they didn't know it). And don't even get me started on if they can master dirty talk in the bedroom. Mmm-HMMM. Yep, for us sapiosexuals, acumen is foreplay. ALL. DAY. LONG.
While I could go on and on about this (because that's just how comfortable I am with being a sapiosexual), I'm hoping that this shed, a least, a little bit more light on the topic. One, so that you can know if you are a sapiosexual. Two, so that whenever one comes into your path, you can know if the two of you are on the same page. Or not.
Now let me get off of here before I get myself any more worked up about this topic than I already am. (Whew.)
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Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
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Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
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Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
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Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
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Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
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Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023