So, I've got this male friend, right? Ever since we've known each other, his sex drive has been totally through the roof. During his teens, 20s, 30s, and now 40s, he can easily have sex, a couple of times a day, every single day. When he's not able to do that, he's masturbating.
While you might be tempted to think that he's got a closet sex addiction, he's done some self-work to see if that is indeed the case. From what his assessments have revealed, he doesn't seem to be (I worked with a porn ministry for almost a decade; I would agree). Yes, his testosterone levels continue to be quite high (which plays a big part in how often someone wants to have sex…or not).
However, the reality is that there are some people who simply and naturally have higher drives than others. It's not that anything is "wrong" with them; it's just the way that it is.
And just how can you know if you—or your partner—happens to be someone who falls into the "high sex drive" demographic? While there are plenty of layers to that question, I'll try and do a bit of an intro course so that you can gain more clarity in this particular area. Just so you can be confident in the fact that a high sex drive is all good while also recognizing the signs when you might want to take what's going on within you a little more seriously.
How Do You Know If Your Sex Drive Is High? If So, What Causes a High Sex Drive?
Let's start with the question that you're probably the most curious about. When it comes to whether your drive is normal or high, that kind of depends on the person. Probably the best way to explain it is, if you are in a relationship and you're having sex at least once a week (or four times a month), your drive is pretty normal. At the same time, desiring to have it more often than that can still be considered normal too. There are some couples I work with who get it on and in 3-4 times a week, easily. When things start to enter into super high territory is when, no matter how much sex you have, you can never really be fully satisfied—not just mentally but physically too.
What contributes to someone actually feeling this way? Many things. We already touched on one of them, which is high testosterone (or dopamine) levels (also, when a woman is ovulating, her sexual appetite can be insatiable because her hormone levels are surging). Beyond that, if you're someone who exercises and/or eats a lot of healthy carbs, that can also cause you to have a high sex drive because working out and consuming certain foods automatically creates more energy in the body. Other things that can boost your libido levels is your cortisol (stress hormone) levels being on the lower end, you not being on the pill (the pill can do a real number on your drive, if you're not careful), you having a high sense of sexual self-confidence and/or loving your body and, you being in a healthy relationship. Another thing to keep in mind is people who get no less than 6-8 hours of sleep every night also tend to have a higher sex drive than others because healthy sleep patterns support hormonal balance, especially in women.
If you're able to check one or more of these boxes and your sex drive does seem to be pretty off the charts, is it something to be worried about? No. So long as you're able to function normally (meaning, you are able to do your daily tasks without your libido distracting you), sex is not something that you run to in order to "get away from" other stuff that may be going on and sex itself makes you feel more peaceful than agitated (meaning, once you're done, you feel better rather than worse), whether you're doing it every day, every other day, or a few times a month, do you, chile. Do you.
How Do I Know If My Sex Drive Is Low? And If So, What Causes It?
The next question you might have is probably, so how do you know if your libido is low? In some ways, this also depends on the individual. However, some telling signs that apply across the board include having absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever or never really even thinking about sex at all. If that is the case, you should reflect on things like the kind of medication you may be on (antidepressants and ones that lower your blood pressure can definitely work against your drive); if you smoke or drink a lot (more than 1-2 glasses of wine a day can totally work against you); if you have arthritis, diabetes or heart disease; if you're pregnant or breastfeeding (both can put your hormones totally through it); if you've had a recent surgery; menopause (which decreases testosterone and estrogen levels in your system) and plain ole' fatigue. From a mental perspective, two other factors to keep in mind are if you are currently battling with depression or anxiety whether it's due to a hormonal imbalance or trauma; they also can directly affect your libido levels.
If any of these resonate with you, it's important to make an appointment, first with your physician to see if what is going on with you is physical. Then, if all checks out, make it a priority to speak with a reputable counselor, therapist or life coach. While it is normal for libidos to slightly decrease with age, a healthy and consistent sex life does not discriminate. You deserve to have one. If you're not, you deserve to figure out what the deal is.
What Are the Signs That Your Sex Drive Is Getting Out of Control?
Although I've already touched on this a bit, now that you know a little more of what directly contributes to a high and low libido, it's important to keep in mind that, even if you are "blessed" with having a high sex drive, there is such a notion as too much of a good thing. What I mean by that is, sex addiction is very real (if you're curious if you possibly could be one, you can take a quick quiz here). Also, it's important for me to reiterate that some people don't enjoy sex so much as they use it as a coping mechanism for stress or being unable to effectively handle challenges and problems (or because they can't seem to get a grip on feelings of loneliness). Some other things that can be directly attributed to a sex drive that is out of control is bipolar disorder (due to feelings of mania) and even dementia (because you're not always in control of your mental faculties).
Like I said at the top of this, defining a high sex drive is not as cut-and-dry as some of us would probably like it to be. What I would say is keep in mind that "high" and "out of control" are two totally different things. If you do consider yourself to be in the high category, so long as you're fulfilled, your partner feels safe and pleasured in your space (because a lot of addicts are pretty sexually selfish) and you're able to live like a responsible human being, consider your libido a true blessing. But, if you just read all of this and you feel like you now see that your sexual appetite is spiraling, seek some help.
Sex is designed to be used, not abused. If it feels more like the latter, get your mind, body and spirit back in balance so that you can enjoy it from a much healthier space. Because sex is a healthy thing—when it's used wisely. Make sure that you do.
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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