Y'all, you don't even have to say it. With as much time as I devote to studying the topic of sex, on a pretty consistent basis, even I have moments when I will stumble across a concept that leaves me a bit stumped. Although it has indeed been a while since I've partaken of the beautiful act known as coitus, my memory is still quite keen. And while some sex was better than others (see "What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?"), I generally didn't have problems achieving orgasms (also see "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP"). Annnnd, from what I can recall, all of them were pretty damn good.
That's why, when I checked out an article that was recently featured on Health's website and I noticed that it was exploring the entire concept of what a "bad orgasm" actually is, you know a sista was super intrigued. I'd be baffled if at least a few of you aren't too. So, just what is a bad orgasm, you ask?
What in the World Is a “Bad Orgasm”?!
OK, so there is a study that was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, right? If you want to read it in its entirety, you can do so by clicking here. Just a heads up, it's long and technical, so if you want a general concept of what it revealed, it's this. After surveying approximately 726 different people, the researchers came to the conclusion that we are capable of having orgasms that aren't all that pleasurable. And, if we continue to have them, they are able to create negative impacts on our relationships, our psychological health and our sexuality overall.
For the record, while the study did also delve into what happens to people when they have orgasms during sex when it is not consensual (because sometimes our bodies mechanically respond to sexual stimuli no matter how much our minds and emotions aren't into it), the part of the study that was featured in Health's article is referring to the kind when both parties agree to "do it".
And just what kind of sex is consensual, brings forth an orgasm and still the orgasm is considered to be bad? That's a really good question. Let me answer that by offering up more questions. Have you ever had sex with your partner in order to avoid having a difficult conversation or disagreement that you didn't want to get into? Have you over "pushed yourself" to climax in order to give your partner the impression that you are just as satisfied as they appear to be? Have you ever had an orgasm with someone, whether it was via oral sex or intercourse, and the overall experience felt kind of empty because the emotional connection simply wasn't there (whether that's ever or at a particular time)? Perhaps you don't have a problem with "getting there", but the sex and climax ends up being borderline painful because you're not wet enough or the way that you are being penetrated isn't as comfortable as you are generally accustomed to. Has that ever happened to you before?
Dayum. When you look at it this way, you're probably thinking, "Whoa. I've been having way more 'bad orgasms' than I ever should have been." The researchers agree and that is the overall purpose for why they are trying to get us to grasp on to the concept of what a bad orgasm is. They want us to realize that, when it comes to having truly great sex, there needs to be more focus on "great" and less on "orgasm"; especially since, for the most part, orgasms are merely a physical reaction to sexual stimulation.
Not to say that our minds and hearts can't help to make climaxing easier (especially for women), but if after you "reach the mountaintop", you basically feel like you actually would've preferred doing something like clean your fridge, clip your toenails or even just avoided your partner altogether…does that sound like good sex to you? Exactly. That technically would qualify as being a bad orgasm. (Bad sex too when you really stop to think about it.)
How Do Good Orgasms vs. Bad Orgasms Compare to One Another?
The more I gave bad orgasms some thought, my mind went back to a lot of the conversations that I've had with women—both online and off—about how sex for them is "just OK". It's not because they aren't attracted to their partner or that he is lacking in his abilities; it's because they just don't feel as into the experience as they want to be. One woman, in particular, she recently shared with me that, while she climaxes on a very consistent basis, she wants no kissing, no cuddling and she actually wants to get the heck up out of dodge within 10 minutes of the act being over. Not just some of the time. Pretty much most of the time. Yeah, now that I know what a bad orgasm is, I think that she definitely falls under the umbrella of it.
Adding to her sexual experiences, because word definitions are a big deal to me, I revisited what "good" and "bad" mean. When something is good, it's high quality. It's also morally excellent, kind and beneficial. Some synonyms for good include positive, satisfying, wonderful, pleasing, welcome, gratifying and agreeable. Sit on those for a moment, would you?
Taking all of this into account, I then thought about a guy I know who tells me all of the time that, during the act of sex, he keeps walls up with his partners because—and this is a direct quote—"I am not there to bond with them. I am there to perform a service." Bless his heart. He said that, not because he's a jerk; it's basically because he goes into the act with "make them cum" on the brain—that is all that he's really focused on. That is all that he is actually trying to achieve—you make me orgasm, I'll make you orgasm. Have a nice day. It's not a connection. It's merely transactional. A lot of casual sex is just like this. Whew. This concept of bad orgasms is getting bigger and bigger the more I think about it.
And that, that made me think about what the word "bad" means. I don't know about you but, whenever I usually think about it, I think about something (or someone) being wicked, evil or morally void. But did you know that something that is defective is also bad? So is something that is deficient, inferior in quality or—get this—"lacking skill or talent". Some synonyms for the word "bad" include cheap, blah, amiss, careless, substandard, offensive and just plain off.
So, in putting all of this together, if an orgasm is truly good, it's going to come from having a positive, satisfying, welcome and beneficial experience. You will be able to look back on the act and the climax about being able to apply all of these words. On the flip side, if the orgasm is bad, it's going to feel like the experience was deficient in some way. It might also feel cheap, blah…maybe even something went down that was amiss or slightly offended you.
Or, after your partner got off of you (or you got off of him), in your mind you thought, "I mean I came and, while I can't quite put my finger on it, something is…off." If you can say that, my dear, you've just had what is known as a bad orgasm.
That's the bad news. The good news is this—the cool thing about this entire concept is, now we can put a name to why sometimes sex "does what it is supposed to do" in the general sense, but we're still not walking away feeling as content as we actually should. Bottom line, it's because not all orgasms are equal. Some are good. Some are bad. And that's because some benefit our entire being while others…don't.
Yeah, I can only imagine how many people you're gonna share this idea with. While you're at it, forward this article to your partner to see what his thoughts are on the notion. Sex is simply too incredible to be out here thinking that, so long as you have an orgasm, it should be enough for you. Naw sis. If that orgasm isn't good—by every definition of the word "good"—then it is bad. And you deserve more than to be out here settling for bad orgasms. Feel me? Chile, I know that you do.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm
How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time
My First Orgasm Changed Everything I Thought I Knew About Sex
Feature image by Giphy
- How Can I Tell If I've Had An Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Health Benefits Of Women Having Orgasms - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Victoria Monét’s Romantic Journey: A Deep Dive Into Her Dating History
Victoria Monét, the multi-talented singer-songwriter known for her sultry vocals and captivating performances, has been making waves not only for her music but also for her openness about her personal life. Best known for hits like "On My Mama" and collaborations with Usher, Monét's career continues to soar as she carves out a space in the R&B and pop landscape.
Alongside her musical success, her dating history has garnered attention, as she has been linked to several high-profile relationships, most notably with personal trainer and entrepreneur John Gaines, with whom she shares a daughter.
When it comes to her sexuality, Monét was hesitant at the beginning of her career to share she identified as bisexual. In an interview with Variety, she said, “I thought that conforming would make me go further. Being picturesque, straight… It almost felt like you didn’t want to add any more weights to your ankles trying to win a race. It’s like, you’re already a woman, you’re already Black — you’d better pick a struggle.”
In November 2018, the artist publicly announced her bisexuality in a post on X (formerly Twitter). This revelation empowered her to express her true self more openly through her music. Notably, in the 2019 duet with Ariana Grande "Monopoly," she sings, "I swerve both ways, dichotomy / I like women and men," boldly asserting her sexual orientation. Additionally, she composed the sensual track "Touch Me," the concluding song on Jaguar. This song is dedicated to her fellow R&B singer, Kehlani, with whom she had a relationship, and who is featured on the remix version of the song. More on this later.
Victoria’s music often reflects themes of love, sensuality, and freedom, creating a safe space for those who feel marginalized or misunderstood. By embracing her true self, both in her personal and professional life, Monét is a powerful voice of representation for queer women of color in the music industry.
Also, is it me or does Victoria Monét stay with a baddie? Let’s run back Victoria’s dating history by using some of her hit songs.
Touch Me: Rumors of Victoria and Kehlani Dating
For years, we have been speculating that Victoria and Kehlani had a lil something going on. Just this year, the “Ass Like That” singer confirmed their relationship. During a High Low with EmRata podcast interview with Emily Ratajkowski, she spilled the tea on her past relationship with Kehlani, working with Ariana Grande, and her love for R&B legend Sade.
The innanets were saying that Victoria’s fling with Kehlani started in 2020 when they recorded the “Touch Me” remix. During the interview, the 30-year-old revealed that she was expecting a child when she and the Kehlani worked together on a song that appeared to be about the "After Hours" singer.
While maintaining a neutral stance towards past romantic partners, Monét has refrained from divulging specific details about her previous relationship with Kehlani. She told Ratajkowski, “[We’re] friends. I kind of am like that with all of my past relationships. I really don’t like the idea of like, now someone’s dead to me, unless they did… I mean, some of my relationships ended where they did me wrong.”
Victoria went on to say, “But like, I don’t know. I just got over it, and I like to have that kind of an open connection, like, I don’t wanna kill somebody off and be like there’s a rule of me not to speak to them ’cause I feel like that takes even more energy to like, try to avoid people and trying to hate them.”
Breaking Point: Victoria Monét’s Relationship With John Gaines
In their romantic journey, Victoria Monét and John Gaines have consistently centered their attention on their small family unit.
Our first glimpse of Gaines came in Victoria's music video for "Moment," where the couple shared some incredibly passionate and sensual kisses.
Initially, they maintained a low-key approach to their relationship but later announced a significant milestone in December 2020: they were anticipating the arrival of their first child. Their daughter, Hazel, entered their lives in February 2021, completing their family circle.
Later that year, Victoria shared with ESSENCE, “We’re completely in love and enjoying our new chapter. [Hazel has] really got him wrapped around her finger, and I’ve seen him change in ways that I know he didn’t expect. She’s growing us up.”
Earlier this year, we found the family oozing adorable family vibes as they all took to the Grammy red carpet looking like walking mannequins. That night our queen took home three awards including Best New Artist.
— Victoria Monét (@VictoriaMonet) September 23, 2024
After seven months, the couple revealed in a joint statement that they had decided to discretely end their relationship. “We spent the last 10 months trying to respectfully and privately navigate the fact that we are no longer in a relationship. Though we still completely adore and respect each other, we are not a couple anymore.”
The announcement continued, “There was no infidelity, toxic behavior, or drama. We both just have some fundamental growing to do that would best be done apart so we can remain the best versions of ourselves for our daughter.”
We Might Be Falling in Love: Victoria’s Budding Romance with Stormzy
Word on the street is that the Jaguar baddie has moved on with a certain tall, dark, and handsome British rapper. Victoria was seen showing some major PDA with Stormzy earlier this month. The Sun released photos of the two embracing and kissing at Heathrow Airport less than a month after Victoria announced her split from John Gaines. According to The Sun, “the 6ft 5in star grinned as he gave Victoria a hug before kissing her on the lips.” An onlooker told the outlet, “Both Stormzy and Victoria looked absolutely smitten with each other.”
Ironically, Stormzy also announced his breakup from TV host beauty Maya Jama this summer, after rekindling their romance. The stars—who had previously dated from 2014 to 2019—acknowledged that they had attempted to make their relationship work, but it ultimately didn't, and that was an acceptable outcome.
"We've been laughing whilst drafting this because we never, ever, in a million years thought we'd be the couple announcing a breakup,” the former couple wrote in a joint statement. "But for the sake of clarity and, more importantly, to allow us the space and grace that's needed for us both to be able to navigate this next bit of our lives with peace, we thought it might be best to.”
Neither camp — Stormzy or Victoria — has confirmed the dating rumors but we all know a picture is worth 1000 words.
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Featured image by TheStewartofNY/WireImage