When I was younger I always thought everything in life would get easier with age because I'd have complete control of my life. Being underage meant my choices were limited when it came to making decisions. I always felt I fell into things rather than picked them especially when it came to friendships. As I got older I thought building friendships would be just as easy as it had been but better because I'd be making a decision based on shared interests instead of location. Personally, that wasn't the case for me at all when it came to making friends as an adult.
The truth about making friends as an adult is that it can be disappointing if you don't have the right mindset.
From grade school through college, finding your crew and becoming instant best friends was easy, but those were simpler times. Although there are plenty of apps and websites that make it easier to make friends as we get older, forging and maintaining friendships will take a little more effort. After I made a cross-country move, I knew I had to put myself out there if I wanted to make my new city my home.
If you're on the market for new friends because of a move or just want to expand your circle of influence, keep these three lessons I've learned in mind:
Be Cautious
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Although you get wiser with age, "stranger danger" doesn't just apply to children. Unlike school, your future friends haven't been vetted by the admissions office. On apps that connect you directly with other people looking for friendships, the proposed meeting place is usually in a bar or club, so be careful.
When I first heard of Bumble BFF, I was excited to try it but I quickly decided it wasn't for me. With girls that I had great conversations with, I nor the other person would ever suggest meeting up. I realized unless I was open to friend dates, the app was pointless, so I began considering taking the leap until something in my gut changed my mind.
The people who were immediately open and persistent about hanging out always had a similar story: They were solo-traveling women who were only in town for one day and wanted a partner to go clubbing with. It could've just been anxiety clouding my judgment but something about that always seemed off to me. Even though going out for drinks sounds fun, I joined the platform for long-term friends so it didn't seem worth the risk.
Many people have made lifelong friends on the app so I still suggest others give it a try despite my experience. Just be smart and trust your instincts!
Remain Open-Minded
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Apps like MeetUp that allow you to join social groups and clubs are a great no-pressure way to meet new people. After setting up an account, you can browse hobbies and groups that pique your interest.
Don't immediately filter your search results. Try doing something outside of your comfort zone or that you've been meaning to do.
For years, joining a gym has been on my to-do list but after a while, getting in shape wasn't enough of an incentive to keep me going. I found a jogging group in my area on the app that meets up a few times a week in the morning and evenings. I didn't initially love the idea of exercising outside but the sense of community from the group kept me motivated.
Staying open-minded doesn't just apply to your interests but where you're open to meeting friends. I met one of my best friends at my first job in Los Angeles. At work, I had a tendency to be introverted and preferred to keep my personal and private life separate, but ditching that rule proved extremely beneficial for me.
Don't Force It
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It's great to get out of your comfort zone but there's nothing wrong with stepping back inside of it. If you feel out of your element or lonely, you might stay in unpleasant situations for longer than necessary.
I've never been much of an athlete but a friend from home recommended amateur sports teams as a way to socialize. I joined a soccer league and although the people were fun, I was absolutely terrible at it and didn't have much in common with them except our love of after-game drinks. I quickly realized amateur players may have less patience for beginners than the pros so despite wanting to fit in, I knew it wasn't going to work out.
Thankfully, I found options that were more my speed. It didn't matter whether I joined Meetup, Bumble BFF, a book club, meditation group, or an amateur sports league. I know that the most important contributing factor to finding my core group of friends here was not an app, but a great mindset.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How To Deal With You And Your Friends' Growth Spurts
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak