Ah, abstinence. If there is one topic that I can speak on, from very up close and personal experience, for years on end (le sigh), it would be this. And since I’ve actually noticed that more and more articles in cyberspace are talking about the fact that more and more people are practicing abstinence (for a myriad of reasons, chile) — I thought that this was a topic that might be of interest to some of you who may be considering it…but you aren’t sure what kind of price you will have to pay, as far as your vagina is concerned, in order to do it.
Now, before we get into all-a-dat, let me first say that a lot of what I’m about to share with you, you won’t notice until you decide to return to having sex. This is important to keep in mind because what I’m basically telling you is, while you’ve got your va-jay-jay on ice, for the most part, nothing really noticeable happens — at least, not to her directly. When your period rolls around, things might get a little dicey…but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.
As far as the intro is concerned, as someone who’s had less bladder and yeast infections and less of a need to get pap smears (because when you’re not having sex, you don’t need them as often), in many ways, I think my vagina has been grateful to me for the sexually-related time off. Whenever I return, though, from what I’ve read, researched, and interviewed folks on…this is probably what I’ll have waiting for me. You too, chile. Ready?
What Happens To Your Vagina When You Stop Having Sex
1. Your Vagina Doesn’t Get As Tight As You Might Think
GiphyListen, not to ruffle any feathers or anything, yet I do find it pretty interesting that while so much of social media says that body count doesn’t matter, at the same time, vaginoplasty (a procedure that consists of tightening the vagina) and even hymenoplasty (a procedure that consists of creating a second hymen) are on the rise (chile). Anyway, if getting a tighter vagina is what you’re after, and you’re thinking that abstinence will do that for you, the answer is “yes” and “no.”
On one hand, your vagina is super resilient (which is why it can “bounce back” after you vaginally birth a child), and so, if you go some months or years without sex, it will tighten up somewhat; however, don’t rely on it to return to how things were before you were having sex (especially if you use a menstrual cup, large tampons or penetrative sex toys).
In some ways, this could be a good thing because, once you return to sex, although penetration might be a bit uncomfortable, it shouldn’t feel like the very first time you experienced coitus (unless you have lost some of your estrogen and progesterone levels which can affect the elasticity of your vaginal walls like when it comes to, say, menopause). And for most of us, that is a huge sigh of relief.
2. Your Vaginal Walls May Be a Bit Weaker
If you’re a woman who is returning to sex while you’re either on the tail end of perimenopause or during menopause, your vaginal walls may have become weaker. That’s because, as your body loses estrogen, it can create what is known as vaginal atrophy — and that can either make sex painful or it could irritate your vagina afterward.
Is there anything that you can do to avoid this? Ironically, remaining sexually active is one tip. However, if you exercise on a consistent basis, keep perfumed products outta there, and you drink a lot of water, all of this can help to keep your walls in a less fragile state as well.
3. Vaginal Lubrication Might Be Different
GiphyOne of the most telling signs that you’re sexually aroused is your body increases lubrication in your vaginal region. That’s because something known as your Bartholin glands are able to produce more fluid so that there is less friction during intercourse. If you don’t use them, while you won’t lose them, they can become a bit dormant, which means that they might need some time to get fully up and running (no pun intended) again — and that could take longer than the first couple of times that you return to sex.
Thankfully, there are lubricants on the market that you can use. Or, if you’d prefer to go the natural route, check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.” whenever you get a chance.
4. Vaginismus Might Become an Issue
If you’ve ever had a charley horse before, long story short, that’s what vaginismus is all about: feeling like you have a charley in your vagina. LISTEN. And how in the world does that happen? Well, if your vagina is used to having nothing up in it and then something like some fingers or a penis enter in, that could create involuntary muscle spasms that range from mildly uncomfortable to hella painful.
Is there any way that you can “pregame” to avoid this from becoming an issue? Kegels can help because they are teaching your vagina how to contract and release again. However, if it’s an ongoing issue, you might want to book an appointment with a reputable licensed sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”); they can help you to see if what’s going on is physical or if there is some sort of stress or anxiety that’s triggering so much of the discomfort.
5. Your Menstrual Cramps May Intensify
GiphyOkay, this is something that you may notice during your seasons of celibacy: your menstrual cramps may go up a notch. Why? Well, one thing that orgasms are able to do is actually reduce the amount of period tension that your body may experience. So, if you’re not gettin’ any, I’m sure you can see how that could mean a more uncomfortable situation during that time of the month. Of course, some women use masturbation as their abstinence workaround. If you’re one of them, then this point may not apply to you. Understood.
6. When You Return to Sex, It’ll Be Easier to Get a Yeast Infection
Aight, so here’s something that you might not be prepared for. If you’ve been practicing celibacy, gone a while without sex, and you return to it, you could end up with one hell of a yeast infection (I know, right?). What’s worse is it could happen whether you use a condom or not. How is this even possible? Well, when you didn’t have anyone else all up in your stuff, your vagina’s pH got used to that.
Then, once you decide to bring someone else’s bodily fluids into the mix, that can throw your pH totally off, which can result in an overgrowth of bacteria in your va-jay-jay — and that can cause a yeast infection (even if your partner doesn’t have one at the time of sleeping with you). And why/how would a condom do the same thing? Well, if the brand that you use contains spermicide, which can oftentimes irritate your vagina, also throw off your pH, and welp — here comes the itching, irritation, and unwanted discharge, chile. SMDH.
If It’s After Menopause, Consider This Too
GiphyAnd what if you went through your season of abstinence during the 12 months when your period decided to stop completely? The main thing to stay on top of is getting your hormone levels checked because, when both your estrogen and progesterone levels are low, that can affect your holistic desire for sex — and that could end up gaslighting you if your mind is ready and yet…it’s still hard to get your heart and body to join in.
____
If you just read all of this and thought, “Damn. Is abstinence even worth it then?” — if you’re doing it to reset your mind, break some cyclic ish, rediscover your own sexual and relational needs, better understand the purpose of sex, and/or spiritually evolve…then YES, it’s worth every single day that you do it. Articles like this are simply designed to not blindside you — because, when you don’t use your vagina, sexually, you should know that it could go through a few “umm, what is going on?” moments as it gets its muscle memory back. Kind of literally.
The good news is our vaginas are resilient AF. So, while it could take a bit of adjusting to get back into the groove of things, with some prepping and patience…it will. It absolutely will.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
RELATED
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert