

If there's one thing that a lot of people can say has been a side effect of 2020, it's sleeplessness. Between the pandemic, working from home, always having the kids around and, let's be honest, trying not to panic over all of the above, striving to get quality rest has been a real challenge. Understandably so.
As I was recently recommending some healthy sleep tips to someone I know, I happened upon an all-natural sleepy time lotion that some of you might want to try (click here for the recipe). Yet as I thought about all of the things that we can externally do to make resting better, my mind then wandered over to things that we can do from the inside out too.
In walks, food. While it's always a good idea to have your last meal around 2 ½ hours before calling it a night (because your body can digest your meals and reduce heartburn and insomnia that way), there are certain foods that can play a direct role in you getting some quality zzz's each and every evening. So, if you've tried just about everything and have still found yourself tossing and turning for hours on end, check out the 10 foods that very well could bring an end to all of that.
1. Bananas
Let's start off with bananas, shall we? This is the kind of fruit that I have a pretty fickle relationship with because they have to be a perfect kind of ripe, with absolutely no bruises, in order for me to truly enjoy one. Anyway, if bananas are something that you eat on the regular, you are doing your body a favor on a few levels. That's because bananas contain a good amount of fiber, manganese, antioxidants, magnesium, potassium, protein, and Vitamin B6. Bananas also can help to keep your blood sugar levels intact, improve the health of your heart, help to keep your kidneys strong and can also help to relieve the discomfort of exercise-related muscle cramps (thanks to the potassium that's in them).
The reason why it's a good idea to snack on one or even make yourself a homemade banana smoothie a couple of hours before turning in is that, for one thing, the magnesium and potassium combo creates a wonderful way for your nerves and muscles to relax. Also, bananas have the amino acid tryptophan in them which makes it easier to feel calm and peaceful—sleepy even.
Banana Sleep Hack:Banana Tea Recipe
2. Kale
As far as dark leafy greens go, while I personally prefer collards over kale, I'll enjoy a kale salad or some homemade kale chips, every now and again because I know how good they are for me. Kale is considered to be one of the most nutrient-dense foods on the planet. What that means is it's got such a high amount of vitamins and minerals that you can receive a ton of what you need daily, nutrition-wise, just by consuming kale alone. For instance, did you know that kale contains almost 700 percent of Vitamin K, a little over 200 percent of the Vitamin A, and around 130 percent of the Vitamin C daily value that your system requires? Also, kale is high in fiber to keep you regular, antioxidants that fight off free radicals, and compounds that help to prevent cancer cells from forming too.
Since kale also has a fair amount of magnesium, potassium, and calcium, and since all of these are nerve relaxers, that's why kale gets a shout-out for being another food that can make going to sleep easier to do.
Kale Sleep Hack:Vegetarian Kale Soup Recipe3. Cantaloupe
If you are a melon fan, you're always looking out for your health if you're eating cantaloupe. It's loaded with antioxidants, Vitamin C, folate, beta-carotene (a form of Vitamin A), fiber, and potassium. Since it's also made up of 90 percent water, cantaloupe is a bona fide way to help to prevent dehydration. Some other health benefits include it being the kind of fruit that improves heart and eye health as well as improving your digestion.
Now check it. Did you know that dehydration can actually play a role in us not being able to fall or stay asleep? The backstory is that when we don't have enough fluid in our system, it can make our mouth and nasal drier which can result in sleep-disruptive snoring. Also, the antioxidants that are in this particular melon are actually proven to promote a better night's rest as well.
Cantaloupe Sleep Hack: Cantaloupe Sorbet Recipe
4. Nuts
No matter what kind of nuts you prefer, they are a good thing for you to snack on. Nuts are a great source of protein, healthy fats, fiber, selenium, manganese, magnesium, omega-3 fatty acids, phosphorus, and Vitamin E, as well as antioxidants. That alone helps to explain why you should chomp on a few, a couple of times a week. Nuts are also awesome when it comes to lowering cholesterol, reducing bodily inflammation, reducing your risk of experiencing a heart attack or stroke, improving the lining of your arteries, and helping you to feel full if you're trying to lose weight.
Aside from the magnesium in nuts, something else that makes them a cool sleep aid is the fact that they've got melatonin in them too. That's a hormone that helps to induce sleep while also regulating your internal clock so that your body gets sleepy on somewhat of a schedule. So, if you're someone who has trouble falling asleep every night, you might want to have a handful of nuts about three hours before bedtime. It could help to lull you to sleep quicker (almonds have a good amount of melatonin in them, by the way).
Nut Sleep Hack: Almond Butter Recipe
5. Tart Cherry Juice
I dig cherries anyway, so it was super easy to make the transition over to tart cherry juice when I found out that it was a great way to get my body to feel calmer and more relaxed. Anyway, as far as its health benefits go, tart cherry juice (which is the kind of juice that is made from Montmorency cherries) is a solid source of fiber, protein, and vitamins A and C while also having a good amount of manganese, potassium, and copper in it too. The reason why tart cherry juice is a smart juice to add to your diet overall is that it can also help to reduce muscle soreness after working out, lessen arthritic and gout-related discomfort, promote brain health (thanks to its antioxidants and plant compounds), strengthen your immune system and lower your blood pressure as well.
Drinking a cold or even warmed-up cup of tart cherry juice is a fabulous sleep agent because it's rich in melatonin, tryptophan, and also anthocyanins (water-soluble pigments that give cherries their red color). The cool thing about anthocyanins is they can help your body to create even more melatonin while lengthening the amount of time that it remains in your system. Just make sure that it's 100 percent tart cherry juice. The cocktail stuff is loaded with sugar and since sugar is a stimulant, I'm pretty sure you can see how drinking it would be counterproductive like a mug.
Tart Cherry Juice Sleep Hack: Tart Cherry Sleepytime Elixir
6. Eggs
A food that is basically a multivitamin in each serving is eggs. They are super high in protein, they've got a good amount of vitamins A, B, D, E, zinc, folate, selenium, calcium, and zinc, and they are considered to be a "healthy fat" that can help to lower your cholesterol levels. Eggs also contain choline that can help to build healthy cell membranes, antioxidants that can improve your vision, and amino acids that can increase muscle mass and make your bones stronger.
And what will eating a hard-boiled egg or omelet in the evening do for you? Well, the white of an egg helps your body to produce more melatonin. Also, one of the amino acids that eggs have in them is tryptophan and well, you already know what that does.
Egg Sleep Hack: A Bedtime Beverage (with egg yolks, carob powder, maple syrup and more)
7. Hummus
As far as dips go, hummus is pretty cool. If you've ever wondered exactly what hummus is, it's a Middle Eastern dish that is made up of chickpeas, sesame seeds, olive oil, lemon juice, and garlic powder. A lot of vegetarians and vegans adore it because it's pretty off-the-charts when it comes to how much protein it contains. Plus, hummus is full of fiber, manganese, copper, folate, magnesium, iron, and zinc. All of these nutrients work together to help to fight body inflammation, keep your gut in good condition (since 80 percent of our immune system is in our gut, that's definitely a good thing), lower your blood sugar levels, reduce your risk for heart disease and also, since it's gluten, dairy and nut-free, if you've got a sensitivity to any of those things, you can enjoy hummus with absolutely no worries.
If you've ever had hummus and then found yourself yawning 30 minutes later, that's not a mere coincidence. Hummus is another food that has tryptophan in it and, thanks to the traces of Vitamin B6 that it also contains, eating it before turning in can help to regulate your internal clock so that your body is better able to maintain some sort of sleep schedule.
Hummus Sleep Hack: Easy Hummus Recipe
8. Honey
For as long as I live, I doubt I will ever get over how something as sweet as honey can be as good for our overall health and well-being too (plus, it never expires, did you know that?). Honey is really good for you because it's full of antioxidants and antibacterial and antifungal properties; ones that can help to lower your blood pressure, improve your cholesterol levels, suppress coughs (especially in children), clear up congestion, and can even help wounds and pimples to heal at a much faster rate.
The really cool thing about honey, sleep-wise, is that aside from the fact that honey helps melatonin to get to your brain at a faster pace, what I also learned a few years back, is honey also provides your brain with enough fuel to actually stay asleep. How? Well, about a teaspoon of honey before bedtime gives your liver enough energy to produce the glycogen (a form of glucose) that you need for the insulin levels in your body to raise enough for tryptophan to release from your brain and produce serotonin—a natural chemical that stabilizes your mood and helps to relax you. So yeah, if you've been feeling restless, a little bit of honey sweetness may be the solution to all of your sleep-related worries.
Honey Sleep Hack: Honey Butter Recipe9. Grapes
Something that I like to snack on throughout the day is grapes (frozen ones are especially bomb!). Believe it or not, grapes actually have their fair share of protein in them. They also have an impressive amount of vitamins A and K, copper, and fiber too. Plus, the antioxidants in grapes can help to prevent chronic diseases, their plant compounds can fight off certain cancer cells, the potassium in grapes can help to lower your blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and they also contain properties that can improve both your moods as well as your memory.
Since grapes are another fruit that is full of water (approximately 82 percent), that's one reason why they make the "help you to sleep" list. Yet, what really makes them dope is they contain melatonin and again, since that's a sleep-regulating hormone, well—how could you go wrong by snacking on a handful of grapes at bedtime?
Grape Sleep Hack:Grape Salsa Recipe10. Whole Grains
Whole oats. Whole wheat. Buckwheat. Millet. Quinoa. Brown rice. Popcorn. These are just a handful of examples of what's considered to be whole-grain food. So, if you're someone who likes to have a heaping bowl of oatmeal in the morning or to snack on popcorn while watching television, you're actually doing yourself a world of good. That's because whole grains contain the entire grain kernel—the bran, endosperm, and germ—so that you're able to gain all of the nutrients from the grain before it's been processed. This means that you're able to partake of a high amount of fiber, protein, antioxidants, plant compounds, zinc, iron, magnesium, manganese, and B vitamins that your body needs in order to maintain optimal health. Also, whole grains help to lower your risk of heart disease, stroke, and obesity.
The main thing that makes whole grains stellar in the help-you-to-sleep department is the magnesium that's in them. As it calms your nerves and muscles, it can also bind to your gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) receptors, so that you're able to remain in your sleep cycle without any disruption. How scientifically outstanding is that?
Whole Grain Hack: You can get 50 different recipes to create your favorite popcorn flavor here. Enjoy and sweet dreams, sis.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 10 Ways To Improve Your Sleep Quality - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- Yes, Sleeping Naked Could Help Your Anxiety & Sleep Pattern ›
- Some Foods Literally Enhance Our Melanin (Who Knew?) ›
- 8 Foods That Keep You Calm And Relaxed - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 10 Ways To Improve Your Sleep - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 15 Hacks For The Best Sleep - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Foods That Enhance Melanin - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- The Best Magnesium Body Lotions For Better Sleep - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
____
No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image Pheelings Media/Getty Images