As I’m in the process of writing a follow-up to what I call my “sexual autobiography,” it’s interesting that while I’m not nearly talking about as much “sex fallout” as before (you’ve got to be having as much sex in order to do that), as I’m revisiting my past and updating readers on it, one word that just keeps on coming up is SAFE.
Honestly, it’s not just sexually where "safe" has become a real theme word for me and how I (now) choose to live. And that’s because, looking back over a significant portion of my life, “safe” was not something that was prioritized because safe wasn’t something that was (consistently) modeled or expressed to me.
And, as I oftentimes say, when you’ve been raised around dysfunction, you tend to do what’s familiar instead of what is actually right — right means what’s good for you, what’s rooted in facts and truth, what’s appropriate, what’s most favorable (beneficial) and what will keep you in solid holistic health.
For something or someone to be safe, they need to, as much as possible, be proactively intentional about keeping you from “harm, injury, danger or risk;” they need to be dependable and trustworthy; they need to (synonyms for "safe") protect you, cherish you, keep you out of danger, shield you, leave you undamaged, uninjured and unhurt. Yeah, to do safe things and be among safe people? That is more than a notion.
As far as romantic relationships, in general, go, check out “This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship” when you get a sec. Today, though, let’s talk about what safe sex is all about — because if you think that it only consists of using a condom (which, unfortunately, most folks are failing miserably at even that these days — SMDH), words cannot express how much culture and society have failed you.
Safe sex actually has billions of layers. Over the course of a few moments, I will attempt to merely scratch the surface.
Physically
GiphySo let’s address the most obvious point first: your body. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that whenever you hear the phrase “safe sex,” what immediately comes to mind is birth control, more specifically, bringing a condom into the mix. I mean, to a certain extent, that should be the case because condoms help to prevent unwanted pregnancies and STIs/STDs. And you know what? What’s sad about even this is that even though condoms continue to be one of the most reliable forms of protection,only one-third of men and one-fourth of women actually use them — and even then, not consistently so.
And y’all, you can’t tell me that this doesn’t play a role in reportedlythree million unplanned pregnancies, with half of those ending in induced terminations annually. Yes, people, unless you are in a mutually-determined, long-term committed relationship, with some other sort of birth control plan in use (unless you’re currently trying to conceive), WRAP IT UP.
However, physically safe sex also means that you need to be serious about your sexual health in general. For instance, I can’t tell you how many people have told me that they got herpes from someone who either never got tested for STIs/STDs or was asymptomatic, so they didn’t test on an annual basis. Or even beyond sexually transmitted infections/diseases, they ignored side effects from oral birth control or symptoms related to urinary tract infections (UTIs), bladder infections, or tissue ruptures from vaginal and/or anal sex, which led to all sorts of unexpected (some major, some not) health-related complications up the road.
Not to mention how many folks — even grown-ass ones — still fail to acknowledge that there is no such thing as consequence-free oral sex, in the sense that you can get STIs/STDs from those, too (I have shared before that I know a guy who got an STD from receiving head not giving it). Yeah, and don’t even get me started on how sex, when you’re on your cycle, can actuallyincrease your chances of getting some type of sexually transmitted infection or disease.
Bottom line on this one, across all lines, as far as your health is concerned, sex is a BIG DEAL. Humans can be made from the act, and no other activity between two people can say the same.
So, if you’re going to engage, you need to get tested before sleeping with a new partner; you need to stay getting tested every 6-12 months (all the while making sure that your partner(s) are doing the same); you need to use condoms at all times (don’t be out here putting it on right before your partner is going to ejaculate either; pre-ejaculate can surprise you…and not always in a good way); you need to know your body so well that you will notice almost immediately if/when something is different is transpiring with your health — and honestly, you need to try and know someone well enough beforehand so that their character indicates that they wouldn’t want to hurt or harm you on the physical tip anyway.
This brings me to the next type of safe sex that needs to be tackled…
Mentally/Emotionally
GiphyI’m willing to bet my next writing paycheck that if we were to ask every person on this planet who’s had sex with at least three people in their lifetime if they’ve ever been (or at least felt like they’ve been) mentally or emotionally manipulated into copulation, they would say “yes” without hesitation — not just women, men too because the reality is that if you’re using sex as a tool to get what you want, you are being manipulative, and since manipulation is a form of control and being controlled in a relational dynamic is potentially harmful…manipulation is definitely unsafe (check out “Are You Being Manipulated? Are You Manipulative? Here's The Breakdown.”).
So, what are some clear signs that someone is amaster manipulator when it comes to a sexual dynamic?
- They gaslight you (cause you to think that your facts and truth about sex aren’t real or are invalid);
- They downplay your feelings, concerns, needs, and/or wants about sex;
- They use guilt or ultimatums to get you to have sex (or a certain kind of sex);
- They make you feel unreasonable for the boundaries and/or principles that you have surrounding sex;
- They give you the silent treatment or cold shoulder if you don’t do what they want (both in and outside of the bedroom);
- They distort the facts about themselves, you, or sex, in general, in order to get their way;
- They start fights when they can’t get their way when it comes to sex.
And hell, that’s just for starters! And before some of y’all want to point your fingers solely at the fellas, let me show you how some of my female married clients manipulate sex: they’re suddenly “in the mood” for it if they did something wrong and they’re trying to find a way to not hold themselves accountable or apologize. As far as how some of my single female clients get down, when they want a particular item, they will offer up sex, hoping that will help them to get it (or get it quicker). Hey, just because these tactics are common, that absolutely does not make them right.
Another way that some people will be mentally/emotionally manipulative with sex is they will “falsely advertise” it. What I mean by that is — say that someone is ready to get engaged or married, and their partner is a bit hesitant because they’re wondering if things will change after jumping the broom. Someone who uses manipulation may offer up a ton of sex to convince their partner that marriage will be complete and utter bliss, only to ration it out after saying, “I do. Happens all of the time.
And here’s the thing about that — as unpopular as it may be to say or hear, not only are you unfaithful to your marriage vows if you promise fidelity and sleep around, you’re also unfaithful if you expect someone to be monogamous when you’re not treating sex as a responsibility in a marriage and aren’t engaging in it (if you’re physically able) on a consistent basis (hey, take it up with Scripture: I Corinthians 7:5).
Oh, I could go on (and on and on) about how much sex is manipulated in relationships. For now, I’ll just leave you with the fact that motive reveals a ton — and if you and/or your partner’s motive in sex is to try and control on some level, that is sho ‘nuf a mental/emotional example of unsafe sex.
Spiritually
GiphyOne of my all-time favorite Scriptures is the Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16: “There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.” Mysteries are revelations. Indeed, there are revelations within the act of sex that are just as profound as the physical experiences that transpire within it. That’s another message for another time, though. Anyway, if you’re not a Bible, Quran, or Torah reader, then I won’t assume you know that holy Scriptures advocate for sex within marriage; those books say that sex was designed specifically for that dynamic and union. Full stop.
However, when I speak of “spiritually safe sex,” I’m (also) coming from the angle of an article that I wrote about four years ago for the platform: “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual,' Anyway?” Even if Scripture is not your basis and blueprint for how you strive to live your life, as I said in the article, spirit oftentimes speaks to one’s soul. The Hebrew word for soul is nephesh, and that is about your life: your desires, your passions, your appetite, your emotions — the things that make you, YOU.
Listen, Scripture says that sex makes two people one (Genesis 2:24-25). Thanks to oxytocin, science says something along those lines as well (becauseit bonds you to people through sex, kissing, and cuddling). Speaking of science, although TikTok ramblers may not want to talk about it, you should definitely check out TIME’s “How Previous Sexual Partners Affect Offspring” sometime (I’ll just leave that right there) — and so yes, you absolutely should factor in that sex has a way of affecting (and, if you don’t choose wisely, infecting) your spirit — your soul…YOURSELF.
So yeah, even outside of what holy books say about sex, it’s wise for all of us to factor in that our spirit is not just about what and who we desire. It’s about whether our appetite is going to throw off our emotional stability; it's about whether our passions are going to negatively impact the course of our life; it's about whether being with someone for a few moments is going to compromise ourselves in a way that is truly not beneficial for us.
And how does all of this shake out in a non-religious-yet-still-super-spiritual kind of way? One of my all-time favorite quotes immediately comes to mind:
“As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” (Leo Buscaglia)
A spiritually safe sexual relationship will never call you to sacrifice (in a codependent way because, by definition, sometimes sacrifices are both necessary and good) your core being or who you are becoming. It will actually do the opposite by helping you to become a better person when it comes to how you handle your emotions, how you regulate your desires and appetites, and how you ultimately choose to live out your life.
Real talk, A LOT of people are in sexually unsafe relationships as far as their spiritual life goes. A part of the reason is because they don’t take the time to ponder, process, and really learn what their spirit is, what it needs, and the signs that a person, place, thing, or idea is ultimately detrimental to/for it. I hope all of what I just said sheds some light when it comes to that…for you.
Personally
GiphyThe word “personal” basically means oneself, which is yourself. Whenever the saying “come to oneself” is said, it pretty much means that someone has come to their senses, and coming to one’s senses is all about thinking rationally and reasonably; it’s about acting from a place of consciousness. It’s about not doing things that are wrong or foolish. Yeah, the word “personal” is a pretty loaded one.
As I close this out, let’s go back to “consciousness” for just a sec. To be conscious is to be self-aware. Some popular traits ofa self-aware individual:
- Being able to manage your emotions
- Actually listening to your conscience
- You don’t talk yourself out of facts and truths (meaning reality)
- You don’t do what you know will cause you or others pain
- You’re kind and empathetic
- You’re not controlling
- You don’t excuse or justify poor choices
- You break habits that no longer serve you
- You are constantly on the path of self-improvement
- You are open to trying new things — even at the cost of releasing the old
Chile, do you see how if you’re involved with someone sexually and these things HONESTLY aren’t happening to and for you, you are in a sexually unsafe situation? No matter how good someone makes you feel, they are ultimately to your detriment (if not immediately, eventually) if they are costing you your self-awareness on all fronts. It’s not worth it…HEAR ME WHEN I YELL AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS THAT YOU NEED TO LET IT…GO. Nothing that costs you self-awareness is safe. NOTHING.
___
Yeah, safe sex definitely has prophylactics involved yet, as you can see, it is about so much more than that. Y’all life is precious, and as the Chinese proverb goes, “It’s later than you think.” Love yourself enough to move in ways that are safe — this includes in the bedroom. Because if the sex ain’t safe, across the board, at the end of the day…it’s really not worth it.
Please don’t learn (or keep learning) this the hard way. Okay?
Y’all stay safe out here. LITERALLY.
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