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Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?
Even though I don’t do the social media thing (that might change when I release my third book, mostly for the purpose of the book…we’ll see), I will tiptoe on out there a few times a week to see what folks are talking about — and y’all, if I see one more TikTok of someone waxing poetic about all of the things that they think they’re entitled to, just because they believe that they deserve ‘em, I think I’m gonna either scream, throw my laptop against the wall…or both.
Anyone reading this who is also a writer probably gets that one of the most stressful things about entertaining or engaging in online activity is the fact that you’re watching people write and say words all day long, yet you can tell that many of them are not word-literal (meaning they don’t really get what certain words literally mean). And when it comes to the word “deserve,” it’s a great example of what I’m talking about. Why? Well, just because you up and decide that you should have…whatever it is that you want at any given moment, based on what the word deserve actually means, that doesn’t mean that you should automatically have it.
That’s why I appreciate a particular quote by Nigerian entrepreneur Tara Fela-Durotoye. When it comes to the topic that we’re about to explore today, she once said, “Life never gives you what you deserve but what you decided.” And as you’re about to see, in just a few moments, there is a lot of wisdom wrapped up in that very simple-yet-pretty-profound sentence.
Let’s Revisit the Actual and Literal Definitions of “Deserve”
So, before I get into what it actually means to be deserving of something (or someone), take a moment to ponder what you think it means whenever you say that you’re deserving of something. What would make you deserving of a particular job? What would make you deserving of a certain kind of relationship? Do you deserve it just because you merely exist, or is there more to the word than that?
- According to Google’s English Dictionary, deserve means “do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment).”
- According to Dictionary, deserve means “to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation.”
- According to Merriam-Webster, deserve means “to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital.”
Hmm, looks to me like deserving requires some effort on the deserver’s part, and in order to accept that, some self-awarenessand humility (which we’ll get into in a bit) would need to be in place. It also seems to me that no one is deserving of something or one simply because they feel or think that they are.
Deserving goes so much deeper than that. You must be qualified. You must be worthy. You must be suitable.
Do You Qualify? Are You Worthy? What Makes You Suitable?
Let me show you how ridiculous egomania is. Imagine being the CEO of a company and interviewing someone for a management position. When you ask them if they have any experience, they say “no.” When you ask them what their educational background is, they say they have none. When you ask them to describe to you what the position actually requires on a day-to-day basis, they nonchalantly shrug their shoulders. Oh, the smugness. Like why did they even waste your time?
As a relationships writer and marriage life coach, this is how I feel when I watch certain videos (and counsel certain people) with people who come up with these outlandish relational expectations, all the while boldly professing that they deserve it. What makes you deserving? Just because you decided that you are? Again, that’s not how the word — or world — works.
- To be deserving, you must be qualified. This means that you have the type of qualities that make you a good fit for something or someone.
- To be deserving, you must be worthy. This means that you have merit, character, and value.
- To be deserving, you must be suitable. This means that you are appropriate, fitting, and becoming for whatever the occasion may be.
Now to be fair, you do have some value just by existing, or you wouldn’t be on this planet. The reason why I say that is because I wholeheartedly believe that every human being has a purpose, and purpose brings forth value. However, when it comes to everything else that I just shared, the fascinating thing about the word “deserve” is no one gets to decide, alone, if they are deserving of most things or not — others have a say as well.
Back to the fictitious job that I mentioned a second ago. Say that you are the one who is being interviewed. You can’t just roll up and tell someone that they should hire you because you think you’ve got the qualities, merit, character, and things that they would deem appropriate and fitting for the job; they would have to assess and then agree with you.
Same thing goes for a relationship. Say that you want a 6-6-6 man. Do you really think you should have one just because you desire him? Doesn’t he actually get a say in the matter? According to all of the definitions of deserve, he 1000 percent does. He gets to think about if your character is attractive to him. He gets to determine if you would be becoming to his lifestyle. Yeah, contrary to how people have been misusing and, quite frankly, manipulating the word “deserve,” it’s actually quite the reality check when you let it sink into your psyche and spirit. To deserve something requires a ton of self-work and consistent effort.
Not only that but the more of something that you think that you deserve, the more you may end up getting your feelings hurt if you’re not careful. Why do I say that? Keep reading.
Be Careful: High Expectations Have a Way of Boomeranging
Not too long ago, while in an interview, a woman went down a long list of all of the things that she said she deserved in a relationship. Truly, it never ceases to amaze me how men, for the most part, will stick to no more than 3-5 things that they want in a woman/relationship while so many women will have super long Old Testament scrolls (what in the world?!). Anyway, one of the things she said that she deserves is to be taken to a high-end restaurant at least 2-3 times a week and that she also deserves a take-out budget for when they do eat at home.
Me: “So, what if he wants you to cook some evenings?”
Her: “I’m not anyone’s slave. Also, I don’t cook.”
First up, if you read what she said and agreed with her, I’m gonna make a request of you both, and that is to retire the word “slave” when it comes to domesticated things. Good lord, your ancestors — the ones who actually were slaves — would roll over ten times in their graves to hear you comparing what they endured to making some damn lasagna. Relax. Besides, there are videos all over the internet that can teach you what you don’t know. Life isn’t as hard as it used to be before the information age. Buying cookbooks or going to the library is not something that you have to deal with anymore.
Second, studies show that cooking is healthier and cheaper than eating out all of the time, so whether you’re single or not, learning how to cook will benefit you and your lifestyle in the long run. No one said that you had to be a chef, yet at least know how to make some basic things. It’s not about “being back in the '50s,” it’s actually called adulting.
And third, so why is it that you deserve to be wined and dined all of the time, yet “he” doesn’t deserve a home-cooked meal sometimes too?
Why is “deserve” only a one-way street? IT’S NOT. And that’s why I said that when it comes to your list of what you expect, based on what you feel that you deserve, you should be careful because the higher your expectations are, the more that thing or person may require of you in return…and that’s not something that many people consider. Not by a long shot.
I know this because a lot of them are clients of mine. So many folks were so concerned with (if not consumed by) all of what they wanted in a spouse that they never really considered what their partner would want/need in return — and because they went into the relationship one-sided, now everything is basically lopsided. And rather than them finding ways to compromise so that both people can be happy, their sense of entitlement believes that divorce is the answer…so that they can run out and repeat the pattern (because divorce rates increase by about 20 percent per marriage…no joke).
Yeah, if you’re really paying attention to everything that’s being shared here, I hope you’re getting that deserve is not some fairy tale word that you can say and “poof!” things instantly appear. People who think they deserve certain things must humble themselves to become what they deserve. That’s what makes them (better) qualified.
Humility Is Never a Bad Thing
This culture is so wack. Contrary to how the media acts out here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being humble. In fact, according to Scripture, humility is what gives people access to lasting riches, honor, and life (Proverbs 22:4). So, what does it look like to actually be a humble individual?
- Humble people aren’t greedy
- Humble people are consistently grateful
- Humble people aren’t arrogant
- Humble people aren’t envious of others
- Humble people are flexible
- Humble people can take correction
- Humble people will admit when they are wrong
- Humble people listen more than they speak
- Humble people don’t make everything about themselves all of the time
- Humble people know there is a greater power than themselves in the universe
HUMBLE PEOPLE ARE TEACHABLE, and yes, I am yelling it. Now think about all of the “I deserve” social media videos that you’ve seen over the past month or so — how many of those individuals seemed humble at all? Again, they weren’t using the right word; they don’t deserve whatever it is they are talking about…they simply feel entitled to it because their character alone reveals that they are far from being deserving. Humble people see what needs to be done to match what it is that they want. In other words, they don’t expect what they themselves are not. To those with maturity and common sense, to do so would be close to ridiculous.
So yeah, if you’re out here declaring what you deserve, take a moment and ask yourself, 1) how much humility are you applying to your perspective and 2) how much energy are you putting into making sure that you are a mirror reflection of what it is that you think you are deserving of? Because you’d be amazed how much your ego will soften when you actually put forth the blood, sweat, and tears that it takes to actually prepare for what it is that you think you deserve.
Where Does Your “Deserve List” Actually Come From?
As I begin to wrap this all up, now that you see “deserve” from a more realistic and less embellished place, tell me something — has it altered your deserve list or at least challenged you to have a bit less of an egotistical attitude about it? And if so, when you really stop to think about what you’ve been thinking that you’re deserving of, is it about what you want — or what the media, your friends, and/or random outside influences have told you that you desire?
For instance, do you deserve a six-figure man (for starters, do you make that much?), or is it that you deserve someone who will provide for and protect you because you plan to be the kind of partner who will complement, support, and fuel him to do so? Sit with that question for a moment. Do you see how different the energy is between the two resolves? If you were the universe, which person would you want to actually reward?
I promise you that, not until social media came onto the scene, have I heard so many people be so arrogant about what they think they deserve thanks (but no thanks) to what they saw on an IG post, heard a reality TV person say or based on the smoke-and-mirrors of a television program. So many people think they deserve what they’ve been told to want — not what they actually should or realistically need…and that’s honestly a damn shame.
Does this mean that I’m encouraging you to settle? Nope. Not at all. All I’m saying is that deserve is more than a notion and whatever it is that you purpose in your mind and/or publicly declare that you do deserve, you need to make sure that you’ve got the moxie to back it up.
Because in order to truly deserve it — whatever it is — you’ve got to have the qualities, character, and suitability to prove it. And that requires more than lip service. SO MUCH MORE.
Y’all be — and then stay — humble out here…ya hear?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Earlier this year, while having a conversation with a couple of women about, well, a lot of things, when it came to the topic of traditionalism in relationships, one of them said, “I hate submission in all forms” to which I replied, “Unless a man does what you say, right?” to which she paused — and then shrugged and laughed.
It’s what I said next that tripped her right on out, though: “I guess that means that you hate the missionary position too because, I mean, lying on your back and opening up your legs in order for a man to enter inside of you? Not sure it gets much more vulnerable than that.” Her response? “Well damn. Touché.”
Ain’t it though? And here’s the thing, if you’ve ever wondered what the origin story of the classic missionary position is, according to some long-standing lore, it’s not too far off from what I said. That’s why, if you keep reading, I’ll attempt to fully explain what I mean when I say that, along with why, no matter what you think about where the name of the position actually came from, the missionary continues to be a supreme sexual go-to…for oh so many super valid different reasons.
If the Position Sounds Like What You Think, There’s a Reason for That
Back when I toured with an organization that got people out of porn and sex addiction, they put out a documentary about them called Missionary Position. Because it was a Christian-based group, it was definitely meant to be a pun.
I say this because, according to urban legend, the missionary position came from Christian missionaries who believed that getting into that position was the “proper” way to have sex. Is there Scripture to support this? No.
At the same time, though, because there are Scriptures that speak to sex being designed for marriage (I Corinthians 6) and husbands needing to lead their wives as their wife submits to her husband (Colossians 3:18, Ephesians 5:22, Titus 2:5) — many conservative biblical thinkers believe that the position complements, if not straight-up amplifies, all of this.
Personally, while none of what I just shared sounds totally outlandish, I must admit that I definitely would like to see a chapter and verse that confirms any of this (as far as the missionary position goes) to be true. I tend to check out Scripture a lot and…I haven’t seen it yet. Just sayin’.
Then There’s Another Theory…
Okay, but what about the people who don’t have Christian and/or conservative sexual views? Many of them also partake of the good ole’ fashioned missionary position, so…where do they think that the term comes from? Good question. From what I’ve read and researched, outside of a Scriptural realm, many consider missionary to be a type of “vanilla sex.” I evenread one article that said it’s for couples who are either so in love that they want to look at each other in the eyes all of the time (yeah, bookmark that) or are too lazy to try anything else (hmm…).
On a more scientific tip, theKinsey Institute has its own perspective. Although Alfred (Kinsey) did acknowledge that the tale of Indigenous people learning about the missionary position came from actual missionaries, once the sexual revolution began to pick up steam, many found the story to be ludicrous at best. Not only that but another semi-popular spin is that the Indigenous people of a certain time were not learning about sex from white missionaries via the missionary position; by using the term, they were actually mocking them for thinking that was the best way to have sex.
Some even "despise[d] the European position and consider[ed] it unpractical and improper." Some natives also believed that anyone who felt like sex should be that way, actually didn’t know how to have “effective intercourse.”
Listen, I’ll say this: whether you believe that the missionary position actually came from missionaries or that the term was an inside joke amongst the individuals who the missionaries called themselves trying to minister to — I think that if there are two things that we all can agree on, it’s that 1) the missionary position is definitely an all-time classic and 2) it’s not going anywhere any time soon.
And honestly, since one definition of a missionary is simply “someone who is on a mission”…no matter which theory floats your boat, what possibly could be wrong with that? Besides, I’ve got some pretty solid reasons for why the missionary position deserves its flowers…regardless.
5 Solid Reasons Why the Missionary Position Reigns Supreme. STILL.
Again, whether you like the name or not — shoot, whether it’s your immediate go-to position or not, take a moment to read why you definitely shouldn’t rule the missionary position out or simply chalk it up to some…vanilla sex (geeze).
1. Yes, eye contact is important. Positions that don’t call for eye contact have their benefits (doggy style comes to mind). However, don’t sleep on the fact that eye contact helps you to deeply connect with your partner, puts you in a better mood, increases arousal, and helps you to trust your partner more. If you take all of this into account, if you want to experience a deeply passionate sexual experience, why wouldn’t you choose a sexual position that has eye contact involved?
2. You can get maximum skin contact. When two people are fully naked and engaged in sexual activity, yes, they are going to experience plenty of skin-to-skin contact. That said, when someone is literally lying on top of someone else, it doesn’t physically get much closer than that —and the more that happens, the safer and less stressed you feel. Plus, that makes it easier for your oxytocin levels to surge which causes you to bond with your partner all the more.
3. It hits all spots. This point, I mean quite literally (andy’all can argue with science if you disagree). When it comes to making it easier to stimulate a woman’s clitoris and hit her G-spot which increases her chances of climaxing, the missionary position earns first place (especially if you have a pillow underneath your butt). Although the positioning itself plays a huge role, I’d venture to say that the other stuff that we already touched on helps with this too. Anyway, how cana position that gives more orgasms than other ones be considered “boring”? How indeed, y’all?
4. The variations are virtually endless. I think something that should go on record — not just when it comes to the missionary position but all sexual ones — is there are tweaks and “upgrades” that you can give to them all. For instance, shout out to Men’s Health for their article, “18 Missionary Sex Positions That Put a Fun Spin on the Classic Move.” It contains illustrations ‘n all of some real winners. Take a look. Prove me wrong.
5. C’mon, it’s comfortable. Uh-huh. Whoever the hater was who said that only lazy people engage in missionary sex, I’m going to swap out “lazy” for comfortable. When you’re tired or parts of your body are sore or not as flexible as you would like, the missionary position can definitely get you what you need without you having to stress yourself out in the process. To me, that doesn’t seem lazy so much as smart.
___
Personally, I found the potential origin stories of the missionary position to be interesting. At the same time, it didn’t really influence me one way or another. At the end of the day, I’m always gonna be a fan of it. I mean, after all I just said, it would be silly (and counterproductive) not to be.
So-called vanilla sex or not, chile.
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