Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?
Even though I don’t do the social media thing (that might change when I release my third book, mostly for the purpose of the book…we’ll see), I will tiptoe on out there a few times a week to see what folks are talking about — and y’all, if I see one more TikTok of someone waxing poetic about all of the things that they think they’re entitled to, just because they believe that they deserve ‘em, I think I’m gonna either scream, throw my laptop against the wall…or both.
Anyone reading this who is also a writer probably gets that one of the most stressful things about entertaining or engaging in online activity is the fact that you’re watching people write and say words all day long, yet you can tell that many of them are not word-literal (meaning they don’t really get what certain words literally mean). And when it comes to the word “deserve,” it’s a great example of what I’m talking about. Why? Well, just because you up and decide that you should have…whatever it is that you want at any given moment, based on what the word deserve actually means, that doesn’t mean that you should automatically have it.
That’s why I appreciate a particular quote by Nigerian entrepreneur Tara Fela-Durotoye. When it comes to the topic that we’re about to explore today, she once said, “Life never gives you what you deserve but what you decided.” And as you’re about to see, in just a few moments, there is a lot of wisdom wrapped up in that very simple-yet-pretty-profound sentence.
Let’s Revisit the Actual and Literal Definitions of “Deserve”
GiphySo, before I get into what it actually means to be deserving of something (or someone), take a moment to ponder what you think it means whenever you say that you’re deserving of something. What would make you deserving of a particular job? What would make you deserving of a certain kind of relationship? Do you deserve it just because you merely exist, or is there more to the word than that?
- According to Google’s English Dictionary, deserve means “do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment).”
- According to Dictionary, deserve means “to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation.”
- According to Merriam-Webster, deserve means “to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital.”
Hmm, looks to me like deserving requires some effort on the deserver’s part, and in order to accept that, some self-awarenessand humility (which we’ll get into in a bit) would need to be in place. It also seems to me that no one is deserving of something or one simply because they feel or think that they are.
Deserving goes so much deeper than that. You must be qualified. You must be worthy. You must be suitable.
Do You Qualify? Are You Worthy? What Makes You Suitable?
GiphyLet me show you how ridiculous egomania is. Imagine being the CEO of a company and interviewing someone for a management position. When you ask them if they have any experience, they say “no.” When you ask them what their educational background is, they say they have none. When you ask them to describe to you what the position actually requires on a day-to-day basis, they nonchalantly shrug their shoulders. Oh, the smugness. Like why did they even waste your time?
As a relationships writer and marriage life coach, this is how I feel when I watch certain videos (and counsel certain people) with people who come up with these outlandish relational expectations, all the while boldly professing that they deserve it. What makes you deserving? Just because you decided that you are? Again, that’s not how the word — or world — works.
- To be deserving, you must be qualified. This means that you have the type of qualities that make you a good fit for something or someone.
- To be deserving, you must be worthy. This means that you have merit, character, and value.
- To be deserving, you must be suitable. This means that you are appropriate, fitting, and becoming for whatever the occasion may be.
Now to be fair, you do have some value just by existing, or you wouldn’t be on this planet. The reason why I say that is because I wholeheartedly believe that every human being has a purpose, and purpose brings forth value. However, when it comes to everything else that I just shared, the fascinating thing about the word “deserve” is no one gets to decide, alone, if they are deserving of most things or not — others have a say as well.
Back to the fictitious job that I mentioned a second ago. Say that you are the one who is being interviewed. You can’t just roll up and tell someone that they should hire you because you think you’ve got the qualities, merit, character, and things that they would deem appropriate and fitting for the job; they would have to assess and then agree with you.
Same thing goes for a relationship. Say that you want a 6-6-6 man. Do you really think you should have one just because you desire him? Doesn’t he actually get a say in the matter? According to all of the definitions of deserve, he 1000 percent does. He gets to think about if your character is attractive to him. He gets to determine if you would be becoming to his lifestyle. Yeah, contrary to how people have been misusing and, quite frankly, manipulating the word “deserve,” it’s actually quite the reality check when you let it sink into your psyche and spirit. To deserve something requires a ton of self-work and consistent effort.
Not only that but the more of something that you think that you deserve, the more you may end up getting your feelings hurt if you’re not careful. Why do I say that? Keep reading.
Be Careful: High Expectations Have a Way of Boomeranging
GiphyNot too long ago, while in an interview, a woman went down a long list of all of the things that she said she deserved in a relationship. Truly, it never ceases to amaze me how men, for the most part, will stick to no more than 3-5 things that they want in a woman/relationship while so many women will have super long Old Testament scrolls (what in the world?!). Anyway, one of the things she said that she deserves is to be taken to a high-end restaurant at least 2-3 times a week and that she also deserves a take-out budget for when they do eat at home.
Me: “So, what if he wants you to cook some evenings?”
Her: “I’m not anyone’s slave. Also, I don’t cook.”
First up, if you read what she said and agreed with her, I’m gonna make a request of you both, and that is to retire the word “slave” when it comes to domesticated things. Good lord, your ancestors — the ones who actually were slaves — would roll over ten times in their graves to hear you comparing what they endured to making some damn lasagna. Relax. Besides, there are videos all over the internet that can teach you what you don’t know. Life isn’t as hard as it used to be before the information age. Buying cookbooks or going to the library is not something that you have to deal with anymore.
Second, studies show that cooking is healthier and cheaper than eating out all of the time, so whether you’re single or not, learning how to cook will benefit you and your lifestyle in the long run. No one said that you had to be a chef, yet at least know how to make some basic things. It’s not about “being back in the '50s,” it’s actually called adulting.
And third, so why is it that you deserve to be wined and dined all of the time, yet “he” doesn’t deserve a home-cooked meal sometimes too?
Why is “deserve” only a one-way street? IT’S NOT. And that’s why I said that when it comes to your list of what you expect, based on what you feel that you deserve, you should be careful because the higher your expectations are, the more that thing or person may require of you in return…and that’s not something that many people consider. Not by a long shot.
I know this because a lot of them are clients of mine. So many folks were so concerned with (if not consumed by) all of what they wanted in a spouse that they never really considered what their partner would want/need in return — and because they went into the relationship one-sided, now everything is basically lopsided. And rather than them finding ways to compromise so that both people can be happy, their sense of entitlement believes that divorce is the answer…so that they can run out and repeat the pattern (because divorce rates increase by about 20 percent per marriage…no joke).
Yeah, if you’re really paying attention to everything that’s being shared here, I hope you’re getting that deserve is not some fairy tale word that you can say and “poof!” things instantly appear. People who think they deserve certain things must humble themselves to become what they deserve. That’s what makes them (better) qualified.
Humility Is Never a Bad Thing
GiphyThis culture is so wack. Contrary to how the media acts out here, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being humble. In fact, according to Scripture, humility is what gives people access to lasting riches, honor, and life (Proverbs 22:4). So, what does it look like to actually be a humble individual?
- Humble people aren’t greedy
- Humble people are consistently grateful
- Humble people aren’t arrogant
- Humble people aren’t envious of others
- Humble people are flexible
- Humble people can take correction
- Humble people will admit when they are wrong
- Humble people listen more than they speak
- Humble people don’t make everything about themselves all of the time
- Humble people know there is a greater power than themselves in the universe
HUMBLE PEOPLE ARE TEACHABLE, and yes, I am yelling it. Now think about all of the “I deserve” social media videos that you’ve seen over the past month or so — how many of those individuals seemed humble at all? Again, they weren’t using the right word; they don’t deserve whatever it is they are talking about…they simply feel entitled to it because their character alone reveals that they are far from being deserving. Humble people see what needs to be done to match what it is that they want. In other words, they don’t expect what they themselves are not. To those with maturity and common sense, to do so would be close to ridiculous.
So yeah, if you’re out here declaring what you deserve, take a moment and ask yourself, 1) how much humility are you applying to your perspective and 2) how much energy are you putting into making sure that you are a mirror reflection of what it is that you think you are deserving of? Because you’d be amazed how much your ego will soften when you actually put forth the blood, sweat, and tears that it takes to actually prepare for what it is that you think you deserve.
Where Does Your “Deserve List” Actually Come From?
GiphyAs I begin to wrap this all up, now that you see “deserve” from a more realistic and less embellished place, tell me something — has it altered your deserve list or at least challenged you to have a bit less of an egotistical attitude about it? And if so, when you really stop to think about what you’ve been thinking that you’re deserving of, is it about what you want — or what the media, your friends, and/or random outside influences have told you that you desire?
For instance, do you deserve a six-figure man (for starters, do you make that much?), or is it that you deserve someone who will provide for and protect you because you plan to be the kind of partner who will complement, support, and fuel him to do so? Sit with that question for a moment. Do you see how different the energy is between the two resolves? If you were the universe, which person would you want to actually reward?
I promise you that, not until social media came onto the scene, have I heard so many people be so arrogant about what they think they deserve thanks (but no thanks) to what they saw on an IG post, heard a reality TV person say or based on the smoke-and-mirrors of a television program. So many people think they deserve what they’ve been told to want — not what they actually should or realistically need…and that’s honestly a damn shame.
Does this mean that I’m encouraging you to settle? Nope. Not at all. All I’m saying is that deserve is more than a notion and whatever it is that you purpose in your mind and/or publicly declare that you do deserve, you need to make sure that you’ve got the moxie to back it up.
Because in order to truly deserve it — whatever it is — you’ve got to have the qualities, character, and suitability to prove it. And that requires more than lip service. SO MUCH MORE.
Y’all be — and then stay — humble out here…ya hear?
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
The Kamala Effect: Top Black Women In Politics To Watch Now, Into 2025
With a landmark Election Day coming up soon, everyone will be watching to see whether Vice President Kamala Harris makes history by becoming the first Black woman to become president of the United States. And as she has gathered monumental support from Black women around the world (including the more than 44,000 who raised millions in minutes shortly after she announced she’d be running), other Black women politicians also stand to make history in their respective elections, running to serve local and statewide communities.
Just as there have been barriers to Black women serving as CEOs of Fortune 500 companies (with only four having been appointed to those roles), there’s a massive glass ceiling for Black women in politics as well. Only 0.4% of all members of Congress identified as Black, and only 13.4% of all women who have served in Congress to date have identified as Black, according to research.
To date, no Black woman has served as governor of a state (though there has been a Black woman lieutenant governor, which we’ll get to later.)
Glass Ceiling In Politics For Black Women
Black women face the ever-so-usual gender bias and racism when running for office, but they also have to deal with another major deterrent to launching a viable campaign: funding. According to the Washington Post, while campaign fundraising “overall” saw a boost for women in 2020 compared with 2018, “Black women across party lines raised significantly less money than White women.”
The publication further reported that in 2020, data reflected “that the 113 active Black women candidates running on all tickets raised nearly $81 million in the first three quarters compared to the nearly $811 million pulled in by their 379 active White women counterparts across party lines, according to data provided by the Center for Responsive Politics. More than $1.5 billion was raised by over 1,000 White men from all parties in the same timeframe.”
Paying staff, covering marketing and ads, travel expenses, and more are all vital and very costly, expanding one’s reach, impact, and exposure to land the votes. This is one major reason that, when Black women finally make it to the finish line with enough support to get a serious spot on the ballot, it’s more than a big deal.
So, here are a few Black women in politics who have made history, continue to push barriers, and powerhouses to watch as we near Election Day on November 5:
Angela Alsobrooks
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images
A Maryland native, Angela Alsobrooks graduated from Duke University and the University of Maryland School of Law. She worked as a law clerk in the Howard County Circuit Court and the Baltimore City Circuit Court before taking on the role of Assistant State’s Attorney in Prince George’s County, a role in which she made history as the youngest and first woman in the role. She’s now running for the state senator seat in Maryland, which, if she wins, would make her the fourth Black woman in history to serve in the Senate.
Winsome Earle-Sears
Winsome Earle-Sears is a native of Kingston, Jamaica, who served in the United States Marine Corps. Before becoming the first woman to be elected lieutenant governor of Virginia and the first Black woman elected to statewide office, she served as the vice president of the Virginia State Board of Education and a presidential appointee to the U.S. Census Bureau, co-chair of the African American Committee and the Advisory Committee on Women Veterans to the Secretary of Veterans Affairs. She earned a bachelor’s degree in economics from Old Dominion University and a master’s degree in organizational leadership with a concentration in government from Regent University.
She has filed to run for governor of the state in 2025 and, if successful, would become the first and only woman (as well as Black woman) in the U.S. and its territories.
Lisa Blunt Rochester
Lisa Blunt Rochester represents Delaware in the U.S. House of Representatives and serves as an Assistant Whip for House Leadership. She also serves on the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. Raised in Wilmington, Delaware, she graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson University with a degree in international relations and later earned a master’s degree in urban affairs and public policy from the University of Delaware.
She’s also running for the state senate seat in Delaware and would make history if elected. If she and Albrook are both successful, that will be a first as well, as it would be the first time two Black women are serving in the U.S. Senate at the same time.
Carol Moseley Braun
A native of Chicago (who now lives in the Hyde Park neighborhood the Obamas also call home), Carol Moseley Braun became the first woman senator from Illinois and the first Black woman to serve in the Senate when she won in 1992 (and was the only Black woman to serve in the six years she held her seat.) She later served as U.S. ambassador to New Zealand, a visiting professor at Northwestern University, launched a food company, and now serves as chairman of the United States African Development Foundation. She graduated from the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Chicago Law School.
Lauren Underwood
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Born in Ohio but raised in Illinois, Lauren Underwood was sworn into Congress in 2019, becoming the first woman, the first person of color, and the youngest (as a millennial!) elected to represent the state. A registered nurse by trade, she’s the co-founder and co-chair of the Black Maternal Health Caucus and the co-chair of the House Democratic Policy and Communications Committee. She also serves on the House Committee on Appropriations. Before that, she served as a senior adviser at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). She is a graduate of the University of Michigan and Johns Hopkins University.
Ayanna Pressley
Representing Massachusetts, Ayanna Pressley was the first Black woman to be elected to Congress from the state. Before that, she served as a member of the Boston City Council, becoming the first woman of color to serve in that capacity. In that role, she formed the Committee on Healthy Women, Families, and Communities, addressing issues including domestic violence and human trafficking. She empowered many, going viral and making headlines in 2020 when she revealed she has alopecia and unapologetically took off her wig to rock a bald head, shifting the narrative on Black women, code-switching, and appearance in political arenas and beyond.
Jennifer McClellan
Jennifer McClellan was sworn into the U.S. House last year, becoming the first Black woman to represent Virginia in Congress. A Virginia native, she earned a bachelor’s degree from the University of Richmond and her Juris Doctorate from the University of Virginia School of Law. She was previously elected to the Virginia House of Delegates in 2005 and served in that post until she was elected to the Virginia State Senate in 2017.
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