

We've all heard, at one time or another, about the importance of goal-setting and the various methods you can use, especially when it comes to career goals. For me, some of the methods have just been ill-fitting. I'd been searching for the best goal-setting approach for someone like me who has struggled with negative self-talk—always feeling overwhelmed due to focusing on my failure to achieve certain goals within a certain time frame.
I’m also okay, at this point in my career, not knowing exactly what I want my professional life to look like in the future because, at this point, I've accomplished a lot before the age of 30. I have hit that so-called mid-level career wall that many ambitious women face when they reach a certain age and level of experience.
For sure, the last 10 years of my life have been all about speaking up and setting boundaries for what I no longer will do on the path to success. I kept thinking that there had to be a goal-setting method that works within that context—to use to my advantage, as I’m good at pinpointing what I don’t want to do, where I don’t want to be, and how I don’t want to feel in the work that I do.
Well, this is where anti-goals come in.
What Are Anti-Goals?
Anti-goals are goals that center on happiness, avoiding certain actions, decisions, or habits that will certainly deter you from making career fulfillment a reality. Leadership consultant and speaker Selena Rezvani elaborated on the essence of this concept well in a recent Fast Companyarticle.
“An anti-goal is a way to customize your work life and decision making,” the author of Quick Confidence: Be Authentic, Boost Connections, and Make Bold Bets on Yourself, told the publication. “Do that by looking at what doesn’t serve you. You can figure out pretty quickly some of the frustrating patterns you might fall into and what you want to actively avoid.”
Anti-goals allow you the space and permission to work along with (not against) what really motivates you to achieve a goal. You think about what you don't want to happen versus what you do.
For some of us, it’s the less attractive outcome that drives our decisions one way or another. (Research has proven this to be a real psychological phenomenon. You can read more about that here, and here).
I’ve found that I’ve been this way my whole life. Oftentimes, for example, if my goal was to remain on the Honor Roll at high school, I wasn’t thinking about the joy or perks of being an excellent student. I was thinking about the other outcome: My mom not being proud of me, or not getting into college in order to have a better prospect at a decent job in my adult future. As a copy editor, I didn’t set a goal of writing more in order to become a features editor.
I’d outgrown the copy editing jobs and thought about the dead-end dread of spending one more year of dotting i’s and crossing t’s for a living, so I set out to write more and took on assignments in digital publishing.
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How To Set Anti-Goals
First, you think about things backward. Where don’t you want to be? What feelings at work do you loathe? What companies do you want to avoid and why? What types of people do you want to be sure you’re not working with? What skills are you lacking that are needed to get you to where you actually want to be in your career? Write these things down. Get them out of your head on paper.
Work with a coach that’s familiar with anti-goals and won’t shame you because you’re not starting with S.M.A.R.T. or F.A.S.T goal-setting. (You might need to come back to those methods when you’ve actually set out a plan to go against what you don’t want.)
For example, after working full-time in media for more than eight years finally becoming a manager with the pay I thought I deserved, I found I didn’t really like being a manager. I wrote down my whys and a lot of it had to do with wanting to just manage the greatest asset to my career advancement: me. I didn’t want to have to deal with the attitudes, the politics, and always being the first to put out fires when someone was insubordinate, numbers didn’t add up, or key deliverables weren’t being met.
I knew I didn’t want to sit in an office all day and be the last one to leave. I wanted freedom, autonomy, and a flexible work schedule where I could manage content, projects, and one-on-one clients from anywhere in the world. I didn't want to be responsible for a massive team of full-on human beings.
I then began setting anti-goals and taking steps, motivated by those anti-goals, to create the career life I’d dreamed of. I created my exit plan and eventually resigned to go freelance full-time, but I had to set anti-goals like:
- Decline your employment contract renewal as a manager. Instead, build up a client base.
- Don’t apply for any more managerial positions or promotions. Start doing freelance work on the side.
- Don’t spend frivolously on eating out or clubbing. Save x-amount by the quit date.
- Don't overdo it with meetings and emails. Use that time to go to after-work networking events.
- Don’t continue giving time to managerial training or other related coaching. Get mentors and coaches who are living the career lifestyle you want.
All of these anti-goals not only positively aligned with my regular way of thinking but they helped me avoid being so hard on myself, sitting in negativity during the processes of transition throughout my career, and they helped me enjoy the journey. For several, I still had to write down and follow through with specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (S.M.A.R.T.) details only when applicable. I’ve found that we can think something will go a certain way, and life (well, God) has its way of taking you somewhere else exciting, and that’s okay.
Anti-goals are a great way to rethink how we maneuver through setting realistic career goals that align with purpose, allowing us to get clarity on what we don’t want in order to work toward what we do. Hey, a win is a win.
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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I’ve gotta say that, for the most part, my friends are pretty damn chill. There is one (major) exception, though — and it’s an odd one. Even after all these years and countless times of me giving them the same answer, if there is a time when they think they are my mama, it’s when they see an email come through at an odd hour of the night. Then, all of a sudden, here they come asking me when do I get sleep if I’m emailing at (say) three in the morning.
Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
If you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
There is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
Something that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
Even if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
I saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
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Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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