Earlier this year, I was hitting a wall on a weekly basis mentally as a state of overwhelm and prolonged stress combined to create burnout. I'd work during office hours, work outside of office hours, and through my weekends. I was a classic workaholic; everyone's emergencies were innately mine, my inbox was my ruler, and I didn't have an idea of what balance looked like for me, let alone self-care. I knew them once, but they took a backseat to work demands even though life wanted other plans.
Several months of neglecting myself later, I was more than drained — I was depleted.
So much so, my days dragged and I wasn't operating nearly at the level of efficacy I was used to. Bigger than that, my zen was nonexistent and I wasn't making myself a priority. It showed in my sleeping patterns, my hair, my skin, and my overall temperament some days. It took us throwing ElevateHER for me to truly understand the importance of pouring into myself, particularly the difficult weeks after where I tried to desperately bounce back but burnout wouldn't let me.
One of our writers Shellie R. Warren says it best, to pamper is to indulge. It made me start to rethink some of the ways I looked at self-care and to also introduce the concept of pampering myself on a routine basis into my lifestyle. Hell, why not indulge in some you? After all, we deserve it. Since then, I've had to unlearn the toxic belief that rest was the enemy of productivity and learn that it was the only true key to it. A trip that played a surprisingly significant role in that lesson was the one I took with Getaway.
Getaway House is a modern escape into the wilderness, where hustlers and bustlers are invited to inhabit one of many tiny cabins located at the Outpost. These cabin rentals are located a short drive away and currently offer "escapes" from Atlanta, Boston, New York, Portland, DC, Los Angeles, Pittsburgh/Cleveland, and Dallas. With the motto #GetawayOften, they believe in order to connect, you must disconnect.
As someone who can sometimes feel held captive by the digital world of notifications and technology, let's just say I was more than excited to breathe for a little while and truly unplug. Here's what happened when I did:
The Cabins
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
I live in Atlanta and the Getaway House Outpost closest to me were located in Suches, Georgia, an hour and 45-minute drive away from the city. The Outpost is called Getaway Chattahoochee due to its very close proximity to the Chattahoochee National Forest. The second we got off the highway and ventured further up north and the winding roads of Suches to get to our final destination, I was reminded of my small town roots. The air was quiet and nature was prevalent as the warm colors of autumn leaves painted our view at every twist and turn.
On the day of, we received a text message, alerting us to the name of our cabin as well as our keycode to unlock the door. The collections of cabins were nestled across 57 acres in the woods, ours was named Casper and came with an adjoining parking space nearby. Each cabin is equipped with a hot shower, private toilet, a stove, a campfire grate, AC/heat, a sink, a mini fridge, provisions for sale and a cellphone lockbox.
When bae and I entered the cabin, we were greeted with complimentary smores and were amazed by how expansive it seemed even though everything was so condensed. Our queen-sized bed was positioned near the window with a picturesque view that rivaled any image we saw on the website in real life. The window's size made you feel like you were outside in nature without sacrificing the comforts of the indoors.
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
What To Do
With no TV, WiFi, or cellphones allowed (you are supposed to put your cellphones in a lockbox upon arrival), unplugging is of the utmost priority. So in lieu of cracking open your laptop to do last-minute work or answer emails, your surroundings encourage you to truly connect with the wildlife, connect with yourself, connect with who you came with — or a combination of the three. The cabin includes a deck of cards and a booklet that have puzzles, a guide to meditation, scavenger hunts you can do in nature, and questions you can ask yourself or partner.
I've been on a journey to be more intentional about resting and doing so in a way that allows me to indulge in the art of relaxation. My desire was to connect with nature, so bae and I lit a fire and made smores (and went to the gas station to stock up on more marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers). We walked around the campgrounds and marveled at a nearby lake. We wanted to hike on the nearby trails (the Appalachian Trail is 15-20 minutes away) but were worried we didn't have the right clothes or shoes so we just got closer by conversing and playing cards.
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
Photo by Bae
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
Photo by Sheriden Chanel
What I Learned
Photo by Bae
During our 24 hours there, we spent our time digitally removing ourselves from the world and indulging in the connection we felt and created with each other. Although it was supposed to be a time to recharge, it also became a time to reset one of my life's most important connections. Taking that time away together allowed us to spend time together in a way that we honestly never had before: without distraction.
We were completely ourselves and completely immersed in each other. It led to a lot of vulnerable realizations and bridged some communication gaps we had in our interactions before that trip. For that reason, I was shown how necessary it is to unplug to reset for yourself but for your loved ones as well. It's important to take time to make time in intentional ways.
As for self-care, my new approach are habits I do daily to reinforce the central belief to take care of Sheriden. That looks like taking one day out of the week to rest and do nothing, but that also looks like having meaningful boundaries established to control people's access to me.
My energy is precious, I now act like it.
To book your own Getaway to disconnect and reconnect, find out more information here.
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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