During my early years of full-time freelance consulting, I got the chance of a lifetime when I landed a huge client. As a member of this client's team, I would be witnessing the launch of an amazing initiative in Accra, Ghana, and I would be part of the ribbon-cutting. The parents of the young founder of the organization gifted me tickets and accommodations---something I will forever be grateful to them for doing.
The experience changed my life---and my perspective on travel, race, spirituality, and Africa---for the better.
When they told us we'd be visiting the slave castles on the coast, I had mixed feelings. One, I've never been a fan of reliving slavery or the history of it. (Since childhood, films like Roots would always make me feel super-sad and then super-angry for weeks on end, and I'd even fainted on a Virginia plantation tour as a teen.) Two, most of the people on the trip were white.
Someone might read that and say, "So?" but that person is disregarding the fact that some experiences, especially that of visiting a place where your ancestors were kidnapped, raped, starved, beaten, and taken away from their families forever, can be very personal and traumatic. To be honest, it was something I thought I'd rather share with my loved ones who could relate due to our shared heritage and culture.
Unapologetically Proud
Image by Giphy
Let me explain something about myself: Though I respect and love all people, I have always been pro-black. (This does not equal anti-white, and I'll leave it at that.) I went to a historically black science- and math-focused high school, graduated from an HBCU (hey, Pirates!), and worked for and with several top black companies which I consider top without the insertion of "black" in there. I have spent my entire career giving voice to the diverse stories and experiences of black and underrepresented people, especially stories that contribute to providing balance in how black people in particular are depicted. It is something I've dedicated my life to.
I was raised in a proud family of black achievers---part of a community where educational, political and business leaders were black and where black nationalism was a way of life.
I've had my own experiences with racism, both blatant and covert, and those experiences would only strengthen my career mission as an adult.
An Emotional Shift and Lesson in Empathy
In Ghana, at the slave dungeon designated for women (Image via Janell Hazelwood)
While visiting the slave dungeons, I never really thought white people could truly understand the half of what it meant to stand in the very rooms where their ancestors packed mine in by the hundreds---including women who were not given accommodations to bathe, use the bathroom, or enjoy dignity during their menstrual periods---and treated them like animals before taking them to faraway lands to live their days in forced servitude. I knew they could offer apologies, but I felt they really couldn't relate in a way that wouldn't be perceived as forced, superficial, or something done out of obligation.
Real talk, that's how I felt.
Standing in those spaces, the sadness again turned to anger, especially when I saw other white tourists taking photos---some more in awe or disbelief than in total disgust and disappointment---and I began wishing I had taken the trip to Ghana earlier in life with my own friends and family who could really share in the moment in a way that was more private and respectful. (Disclaimer: None of the participants in our travel group were being disrespectful or insensitive. This was something I noticed in other groups.)
A commemoration plaque at the dungeons (Image via Janell Hazelwood)
Once the tour was over and we'd all gathered to go back to the hotel, everyone began talking among themselves, and people were asked to share their thoughts about the visit. One woman's tearful sentiments in particular really touched me. I remember her talking about how she'd studied her Caucasian family's history. She felt bad because of the things she'd uncovered, and visiting the castle really triggered even more feelings of remorse and empathy.
She said the trip really solidified for her that we all must face horrible truths about our places in history and, for her, that meant coming to a deeper understanding of the divisions of racial biases and discrimination she'd witnessed--and maybe even ignored---in her own community.
Meeting of the Hearts
Image by Giphy
It wasn't her words that moved me. It was the tears and the transparency she showed to over a dozen people, some who hadn't known her before the trip, including me. She was a grown woman---much older than me---and I felt it took courage to express herself in the way that she did.
My anger began to melt away.
The fact that the woman even gave the experience a chance made me recognize what it meant to share in the humanity of hurt and trauma, and I respected that she even attempted to open herself up to dialogue about the biases and discrimination with all of us. That really struck a chord in me. I felt bad that I had not shown her the grace she was showing me. I'd let anger, past experiences, assumptions, and stereotypes allow me to place a wall up. I was guilty of the very thing I expected white folk not to do to me or my people.
As we continue to share stories and experiences during Black History Month, I hope we can all learn lessons of humility, empathy, and self-awareness that will allow us to move forward in a way that allows every human being to face their truths--the good, the bad, and the ugly. I pray that we do this with kindness, empathy and authenticity. This is the only way we will see a long-term resolutions to end discrimination and division among our cultures and races once and for all.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
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What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
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Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
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Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
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Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
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Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
We all know Black doesn't crack but when reading up on beauty trends, many online experts suggest that every woman over 30 needs specific products to fight against fine lines and wrinkles. To maintain perfectly smooth glowing skin after a certain age, if it's not eye cream, then it's a specific product or procedure that could cost more than what I'm willing to pay for anti-aging effects. I decided to get the real tea on the skincare needs of Black women over 30.
I spoke with beauty expert Eden Gilliam, an esthetician with 11 years of experience in the beauty industry and founder of EVE MILAN, a Black woman-owned skincare company based in New York City.
Courtesy of Eve Milan
"I like to stay away from adding a bunch of extra products into a person's skincare routine that they're not going to commit to. Too many steps ultimately lead to becoming so frustrated that you're not going to do much of anything." Eden states.
"For example, the area around your eyes is more delicate of course, it's the thinnest skin you have so it may need more attention as you age. However, if you have a nice hydrating serum like hyaluronic acid that's already in your daily routine, then you can definitely get away with using that on your under-eye skin. For people that like to keep it natural, using shea butter also keeps that area hydrated." Her point? "Keep your routine simple."
After working hands-on with clients, Eden identified common skincare struggles which led her to create a line of products designed to restore confidence and a healthy glow no matter one's age. She explains, "There isn't anything that a three-step system can't solve." With age comes responsibility and a quick morning and nighttime routine are extremely effective when balancing healthy skin and busy life. "It should only take 10 minutes of your time, knowing exactly what you're doing and feeling confident in your routine."
The Simplicity Set: 3-Step System
"When it comes to the products we offer, like our best-selling 'Simplicity Set,' it's a hydrating cleanser, gentle exfoliant in the form of pads and a serum."
1. Gentle Cleansing Gel No. 103
Courtesy of Eve Milan
Every routine starts off with a cleanser. Eden suggests tackling your skincare basics with a nourishing cleanser that balances oil production while delivering a deep clean.
2. Superfruit Enzyme Exfoliating Pads
Courtesy of Eve Milan
Recently introduced to the process of exfoliation, when speaking with Eden I learned how instrumental this process is for aging skin. "Exfoliating as you get older is going to be the foundation of any skincare routine. You have to exfoliate. As we age, our skin turnover rate starts to slow down and it's not renewing itself as fast as it used to. That's how you get clogged pores, fine lines, and wrinkles, even dry skin. When exfoliating, that allows the remaining products you apply to be more effective."
When asked what's the difference between an exfoliant and a toner, Eden explains, "A toner completes the cleaning process which is why it's used after a cleanser but exfoliants dissolve the glue that holds your skin cells intact. You want these skin cells to regenerate like they used to."
"A chemical exfoliant, which I believe every Black woman should be using, not a scrub (physical exfoliant), penetrates into the skin and keeps working throughout the day. It also increases your skin turnover and helps with appearing how it was in your teens and 20s."
Another tip when using the enzyme exfoliating pads, you can use [them] on your face, neck, chest, anywhere on your body, even your bikini area when suffering from ingrown hairs. Take care of all areas and achieve a head-to-toe glow by getting the most out of your products. Don't neglect the rest of your body by focusing solely on your face while other areas suffer from dry, cracked skin.
3. Reset Serum No. 422
Courtesy of Eve Milan
To complete the 3-step system, Eve Milan's Reset Serum is the perfect universal hydrating formula created for skin types. Doubling as a moisturizer, this is the final step to securing fresh and rejuvenated skin. Eden shares, "If you are going to invest money in anything skincare-wise, you'll want a serum." For a hydrating, vitamin-rich product, the Reset Serum soaks into the skin with healing ingredients like Gotu kola, niacinamide, and ceramides which provide you with anti-aging benefits. Whether oily or dry skin, this hydrating serum is for everyone.
"Asking whether a hydrating serum is for dry skin only is like asking if a person needs water. Your skin needs water, not oil. One of the main things that African-American women deal with is post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation which is brown spots resulting in the lack of hydration. No matter your skin type, you need products that add water to the skin and keep it in there."
Aside from the 3-step process, Eden also shares the importance of good health and probiotics when it comes to healthy skin. She adds, "One thing I tell my clients, we need to take vitamins. Skincare is what you are eating and the vitamins you are taking. Ask yourself what you are eating and drinking. Like caffeine, is it helping you or causing more problems?"
Without the use of harsh chemicals, Eve Milan's mission is to get customers to feel comfortable in their own skin. All the products are made free of sulfates, parabens, phthalates, artificial color, and fragrance to limit your exposure to toxins.
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Originally published on October 30, 2021