I already know what some of y’all are on: “Shellie, no matter how much you try and give a ‘glass half full’ approach to being single on Valentine’s Day, I ain’t buyin’ it. I wanted to be with someone this year and the fact that I’m not has me feelin’ some type of way.”
Noted. Heard. Understood. The point of writing articles like this one (or the one I penned last year that’s along the same lines: “Single Women, Valentine's Day Is Upon Us. Here's How To Flip That Ish In Your Favor.”) isn’t so much to get you out of what you want; it’s to encourage you to make the most of your time…in the meantime.
Besides, since V-Day is supposed to be about celebrating love, wouldn’t it make all the sense in the world to honor who you should love above all else — whether you’re in a relationship or not? YOU.
Yeah…my point exactly. So, instead of trying to act like February 14 doesn’t exist this year, decide that this is the year when you’re going to indulge yourself by doing at least a few of the following 15 suggestions. Because since you are totally in love with yourself…why not acknowledge it?
1. Revisit the Definitions of “Single”’
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Probably until I fade out into the sunset as far as this platform is concerned, whenever the topic of singleness comes up, I’m probably always going to mention the article, “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'.” That’s because, although most folks only think of “not married” (the original definition which means A LOT of people are relationally single; some of y’all will catch that later) or not boo’d up to be what “single” means, it’s so much more than that.
A single person is unique. A single person is exclusive. A single person is rare. And everything about those words is beyond wonderful and fantastic. So, this year, instead of focusing so much on not having anyone (single), think about how bomb you are by being such an exceptional woman (another word for “single”).
2. Make Time for Unconditional Love Meditation
If days like Valentine’s Day tend to ramp up your stress and anxiety levels, use it as a time to do some meditation. Meditation can definitely help to calm you down. In fact, I actually stumbled upon a site that features tracks that help you to do what is known as “unconditional love meditation” which, at the end of the day, basically means that you will hone in on self-love while removing your ego and increasing your compassion levels; including self-compassion (check out “What Loving Yourself Actually Looks Like” and “12 Ways To Be Far More Self-Compassionate Every Day”).
You can see more of what the site has to offer in this realm here. Oh, and if meditation isn’t something you do often, it’s a fairly simple practice. You can learn how to do it, even at work, by reading this article here.
3. Speak Your Love Language to Yourself
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Words of affirmation. Physical touch. Quality time. Acts of service. Gifts. Whatever your top two primary love languages are, the fact that they are how you like love to be expressed to you (most) means that you don’t have to wait for someone to do them for you.
Write down some adjectives that describe what you like most about yourself (words of affirmation). Give yourself a head or foot massage (physical touch). Turn off your devices and read a book or take your own self out to eat (quality time). Ask someone to help you with something that has been stressing you out to take the load off (acts of service). Hit the mall and buy yourself something — just because (gifts).
So many people are down on themselves on Valentine’s Day because they think that everyone else BUT them should show themselves love. And that’s a damn shame because, so long as you love you and express it well, any day can be amazin’. V-Day included.
4. Set Some “Self-Love Goals” for the Rest of the Year
Even though it is kinda wild that, already, March isn’t too far away from us, you’ve still got plenty of time to put some solid plans into place for the rest of the calendar year. And what better way to make 2024 your best year yet than by setting some self-love goals? Plan a spa trip in another city. Buy yourself a self-affirmations journal (and actually write in it). Consider getting into some therapy or seeing a life coach. Take a solo trip to another country. Something that I’ve been doing lately is going on dates alone — and they have been nothing short of fabulous!
It might sound corny or cliché yet that doesn’t make it any less true: the more that you love yourself, the easier it is to discern the people who also love you…personally and professionally…romantically and platonically.
5. Take Advantage of Valentine’s Day Deals and Discounts
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Something that A LOT of people tend to overlook on Valentine’s Day is all of the deals and discounts that are out here when it comes to restaurants, candy, flowers, and lingerie. And while I get that it would be awesome if someone else was making the purchases for you, why wouldn’t you take this opportunity to get a steak for a cheaper amount or some new panties while they’re on sale? Parade has a list for this year that’s fairly extensive. You can see it for yourself here.
6. Eat a Salad
For the record, I think that if there’s any day when you should feel guilt-free about eating whatever the hell you want, V-Day would be it. The only reason why I’m suggesting a salad (even if it’s simply an appetizer) is because dark leafy greens are full of magnesium and magnesium is a nutrient that actually helps to keep you calm and relaxed. So, even if you’re not interested in having one for your Valentine’s Day dinner, how about for lunch while you’re at work?
7. Buy Yourself Some Flowers
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Although flowers on Valentine’s Day are typically associated with romance, there are other reasons why they are hella beneficial. Research reveals that flowers put us in a better mood and automatically make us feel more excited about life. And guess what? If you opt for something non-traditional like lavender, hibiscus, or pansies, you can steep the petals and turn them into a tea that is good for your overall health and well-being on several different levels. You can read about all of that here.
8. Rub Rose of Sharon Essential Oil on Your Pressure Points
At the end of the day, pressure points are simply parts of the body that are connected to other parts. When you “apply pressure” to them, they can reduce physical discomfort and bring the kind of relief that makes it easier to relax, boost energy levels (and your libido) and even give you a better night’s rest. That said, I’m a huge fan of essential oils and one that isn’t brought up often (in mainstream media) is the Rose of Sharon.
I like it because, one of the things that it symbolizes is, the beauty of the beloved. Beloved means “greatly loved,” so why not invest in a bottle of this particular one and “anoint yourself” with lots of love on various pressure points this Valentine’s Day?
9. Get Something That’s Red or Pink
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On V-Day, red and pink aren’t just limited to women in relationships. C’mon now. And besides, if there is one hue that pretty much every Black sistah looks absolutely amazing in, it’s red. So, get yourself something that is red or pink. Red symbolizes things like passion, love, and energy. Pink is all about femininity, compassion, and having a nurturing nature. You know, there is plenty of research out here to support the fact that color actually has a significant amount of influence on our mindset. So, if you want to feel more energized on Valentine’s Day, wear something red. More feminine? Wear something pink.
10. Invest in a Pearl
In the other “single on Valentine’s Day” article that I referenced earlier, I mentioned that one of my favorite Scriptures is Matthew 7:6; it’s a verse where Christ speaks against casting pearls before swine. On the heels of that, another Scripture that I like is Matthew 13:45-46 where it references a merchant selling everything that he had for one precious pearl. Since I’m a June baby and the pearl is one of my birthstones, I automatically have an affection towards it. That’s why I revisit the breakdown of how a pearl is formed at least a couple of times a year.
If you’ve never heard the story before (you can read the gist of it here), a lot happens for a pearl to come about. Why not get yourself a pair of pearl earrings or even just one freshwater or saltwater pearl to symbolize all that you’ve survived and how beautiful you are now as a direct result?
11. Treat Yourself to a New Pair of Shoes
I’m a sneakerhead myself although I’ve got plenty of friends who are shoe fanatics. I mean, they are so caught up in them that I just had to do some research into why footwear is such a phenomenon for women (did you know that there is a documentary on the topic? It’s called God Save My Shoes and you can currently watch it on Tubi). From what I’ve read, a lot of women like shoes because they are a confidence booster, they make them feel sexy and the shift of a shoe can totally change the look of any outfit.
And when the shoes are high heels, they can elongate your legs, give you the appearance of great posture, and take your femininity levels up a few notches. Hmph. Seems to me that while ladies who are in a relationship are out getting lingerie, single gals should treat themselves to a pair of new shoes. ‘Cause…why the heck not?
12. Do a Lil’ Forest Bathing
Shinrin-yoku is the Japanese word for forest bathing. If you’ve never heard of this type of meditation before, it’s basically going into the forest (or someplace where there is more than one tree) and doing some deep breathing there. You know, one of my all-time favorite books is The Celestine Prophecy and, even though it’s fictional, it talks about how you can get messages from nature if you’re willing to turn off your devices and get really still and quiet.
Science cosigns on this because there are studies to support that being in nature can reduce stress as well as decrease depression and anxiety-related symptoms. So, if this Valentine’s Day has you a little stressed out, why not go to a park or take a hike? It could be just what your heart needs.
13. Soak in a Dark Chocolate Bath
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Last fall, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe” and if there are two things that have Valentine’s Day written all over them, it’s red roses and chocolate. As far as chocolate goes, have you ever wondered how it became the signature candy for that particular day? From what I’ve read and researched, when the Victorian era was at its peak, Cadbury came up with a chocolate candy heart (hmph, kind of reminds me of how the origin story of De Beers’s going broke and coming up with “a diamond is forever” to get folks into buying diamond engagement rings — it’s all about capitalism at the end of the day, y’all).
Anyway, just like dark chocolate is good for your health, it’s also good for your skin because it contains properties that moisturize your skin, reduce inflammation, and decrease stress. So, if a bath is on the top of your to-do list on Valentine’s Day, take a dark chocolate one. There are a few recipes to help you take one correctly here.
14. Create Your Own Signature Cocktail
If you’ve been to more than just a few weddings before, you may have noticed that at least one bride and groom had a signature cocktail at their reception. I really like those because it’s cool to concoct your own cocktail (or mocktail) based on your favorite drink ingredients. Even though couples made this popular, they don’t have a lock on it. Use this V-Day to come up with your own signature cocktail and then keep the recipe in mind in order to toast yourself regularly (because you’re constantly doing something that is super bomb…right? Why not celebrate it with your own invented drink?).
15. Dance Before Turning In
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Question: When was the last time you danced? I don’t mean to go out dancing; I mean, you turned on some of your favorite songs and danced in your living room for at least a good 30 minutes. This Valentine’s Day, consider doing just that because not only is dancing good for your heart (pun intended), but it also helps to build your core, makes you more flexible, increases your self-esteem, reduces your stress levels, and is great for your mental health overall.
BONUS: Go Out with a Guy Friend
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A few years back, I wrote, “Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be 'Just Friends'” because I can personally attest to the fact that they indeed can. Personally, I have several male friends who I enjoy talking to, hanging out with, and catching a meal with. So, as we close this out, even with all that I just said, if you really want to be in the company of a man for V-Day, ask one of your single male friends if they would like to go to lunch or dinner.
Trust me, a lot of them have women who come out of the woodwork on Valentine’s Day, so they would jump at the chance of hanging out with a woman who comes with your pressure or potential drama. LOL. Why not let her be you? Happy Valentine’s Day, sis.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.
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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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