Aight. Now y'all know that in order for me to write this, I already know the answer to this little — well, not super little — fact. And let me just say that a part of me did roll my eyes, just a bit. Only because, as I shared in the article, "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go", I used to be someone who thought a man had to be huge to please me — even though some of the men with those big ole' thangs were less-than-impressive than the "smaller" fellas.
Still, as much as you all indulge me by letting me share so much of my own life and personal opinions, today isn't about what size pleases me most or what I prefer. It's all about a study that I found to be so fascinating that I thought some of y'all would be interested in hearing about too. So, if there's a part of you that has always wondered how big a penis truly needs to be in order for (vaginal) orgasms to happen on the regular, I've got what the word on the street (currently) is.
Drum Roll, Please: Guess What Penis Size Most Women Absolutely Rave About?
Lawd. There really is no telling how many times I have shared that the average size of a man's penis 5.5" erect while the most intense nerves inside of our vagina are the 2" of entry into us. This is a big part of the reason why sex toys, fingers and cunnilingus tend to be super pleasurable as far as things-that-penetrate go. Anyway, the reason why I think this can't be mentioned enough is because, if you can become super stimulated two inches in, why in the world do you need a man who is packin'? Chile, you don't.
We fall for that myth the same way men do when it comes to big breasts and even a big ass — sure, we all have preferences yet it's still important not to be "programmed" to the point where you close yourself off to the possibilities of what someone who may not be your "preferred size" may be (I feel like someone needed to hear that, so that's why I said it).
With that being out of the way, I have also shared, on multiple occasions, that while reportedly 70 percent of women do not experience vaginal orgasms (a lot of that has to do with how close your clitoris is to your vaginal opening, by the way; it ain't all on "him"), they are so much easier to achieve if you're going for a blended orgasm which is basically when your clitoris is being stimulated while you're being penetrated.
The reason why I thought it was important for both of these points to go on record is because, once I reveal the size that apparently gets "us" off more than any other, I don't want you to be side-eyeing your man if he doesn't exactly fit the bill (whether that means he is bigger or smaller). Now, with all of these disclaimers totally out of the way, are you ready to know what kind of penis can make women climax the most? Dun, dun, dun, DUN — EIGHT INCHES.
And just where did this data supposedly come from? Oh, that's where it really gets good. There's a site calledBig One that considers itself to be "the world's largest dating site for small penises" (I know, right?); however, they had some folks request that a site for large penises be made too (it's truly wild these world wide web streets!). Anyway, they conducted a survey of close to 4,800 women about what size got them to the mountaintop the most often and the blue ribbon prize went to Mr. Eight Inch at 44 percent (with 9" being 42 percent, 10" being 39 percent, 7" being 38 percent and 6" being 34 percent). So, what if you have a hard time grasping the exactness of it all? Basically, an average-sized remote control or just a little bit smaller than a beer bottle is what eight inches can be compared to.
So, what if your man doesn't — pardon the pun — measure up? First let me say that the women on the survey also shared that a man with an 11" penis had about as much success at pleasing them as someone with a 4" one. This means that if your guy is smaller, don't assume that someone big is gonna make you happy because, again, as I shared in the article that I referenced at the beginning of this, I have a friend-wife who often says — and I quote — "Girl, a big d—k ain't all it's cracked up to be. Believe that." A big part of the reason why is 1) there is still something to be said for technique; 2) when we are sexually aroused, our vagina stretches to 8" max (for the most part) and 3) if a man has so much ego surrounding his penis that he things that's all he needs to bring to the sexual table, you're not gonna get fed (pun intended and not intended). Straight up.
And what if you're currently not in a relationship and in your mind, you're like, "Whatever. You said 8", so that's exactly what I'm going to require"? Yeah. About that. If you're someone who strongly prefers a man who is over 6 feet tall and has an 8" penis, bless your heart because only around 15 percent of American men (actually, it's 14.5) are that tall and — whew — only three percent of men are that size.
Chile. What is a girl to do? Well, if you are currently with a "remote control", feel free to comment if you agree with the survey's findings. If you're with someone who is larger, check out our article "5 Go-To Positions For When Your Partner Is Well-Endowed". If he's smaller, check out "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)". And, in general, let's briefly go over some hacks that make having a vaginal orgasm easier, regardless of what size a man's penis is.
5 Orgasm Hacks. Regardless of What Your Man’s Size May Be.
Kiss. A LOT. Did you know that some people can climax, just from a kiss? I personally know this to be quite true (wink). When two people are really connected and the kisses are in sync and intense, the sensitive nerve endings (especially from the tongue) can be a huge turn-on. It can make you wetter during foreplay and get you hotter during intercourse. So, if you don't tend to kiss much during sex (hey, some people don't; check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?"), here's a(nother) reason to give reconsider it.
Get fingered. It's always funny when I hear guys share stories of sexual activity when they were high-school aged. It makes me think of the movie The Wood and the girls who were down to get fingered to death yet claimed they were too "pure" for actual intercourse or that that seeing a penis was nasty. Anyway, now that you're grown, fingering can still help to get you better prepared to experience a vaginal orgasm because it helps to relax you. Plus, if he knows what he's doing (double wink), he can locate your G-spot, so that he knows where and how to aim once he enters you (your G-spot is 2.5-3" into your vagina, at the roof of it; it feels a little bumpy when aroused and is about the size of a walnut).
Have an orgasm another way. First. If fingering doesn't result in an orgasm, do something else that does. For a lot of us, that would be cunnilingus yet whatever rocks your boat, try that. Many of my clients have shared with me that although a vaginal orgasm can be close-to-impossible the first round, once they are wetter and more euphoric, the second session tends to make climaxing a whole lot easier to do (yes, vaginally).
Prop your butt up. I'm all for a sex pillow. For a few reasons. If you put one underneath your head during oral sex (receiving, that is), it's easier to watch him and — whew. Who doesn't like to see that going down? If you put one underneath your back, that makes it easier for you to be penetrated more deeply (if that's what you're after). Underneath your butt prevents him from having to strain as much to reach your G-spot. Plus, if you happen to be someone who is in the 30-percentile and vaginal orgasms are pretty easy for you, a pillow up under your backside will make it so much easier for his penis to stimulate your clitoris and vagina at the same time.
You know what they say about "the motion of the ocean". More than anything, make peace with the penis you've got. Just like we spend so much time telling men that they should celebrate the body they are with, how hypocritical of us, if we don't do the same. Remember, the ladies in the survey said that a huge penis ain't no more pleasing than a tiny one which reminds me that it really isn't just a popular saying that it's not the size of the wave but the motion of the ocean.
A man who desires you. A man who isn't selfish. A man who studies your body. A man who takes his time. A man who is erotic, adventurous and passionate? Chile, he doesn't have to be 8" to shake the room. He's already more than halfway there before having the pleasure of…getting in. #thirdwink
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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Phase Of Life: I Thought I Was Falling Apart—Then I Learned What Was Really Happening To Me
When it was announced, “Class of 2023, you may now turn your tassels to the left,” that was the moment I realized s**t just got real. Even in the midst of celebrating with family, friends, and professors who had watched my personal and academic growth over the past three-ish years, I was already thinking about how excited I was for my next chapter.
To avoid making others feel more pressure about their post-grad plans than they already did, I withheld revealing that I’d already secured a full-time job six months before graduating and I’d gotten accepted to graduate school. I didn’t know that this lack of celebrating my accomplishments would impact how I’d embrace special moments in the future.
As I continued navigating my way through my post-grad journey, I found things in my life began to get harder and harder. It was one challenge after the next: I was adjusting to a new day-to-day routine. A romantic relationship drastically ended. I lost friends I thought I’d have forever. I had to grieve the loss of a loved one.
It was as if someone had abruptly stopped the record on the player, and the confused look you’d usually see on people’s faces was exactly how I looked after coming to my second realization that this was the worst I’d felt in a long time, if not ever.
Like everyone else, I’d previously experienced sad moments and life stressors related to my personal and professional life, but for some reason, this time felt different.
Even in my own strength of distracting myself with self-care tactics and support from friends, nothing seemed to stop my constant tears or heart from aching. Before long, I was waving my white flag at God and decided that these burdens were just too heavy for me to carry on my own. Therapy was something I was already familiar with, but I hadn’t scheduled it into my new life yet.
After the standard get-to-know-you sessions, it was time to get to the nitty gritty with my therapist. What’s really going on? Nothing could’ve prepared me for what she had to say next.
'Phase of Life' and Adjustment Disorder
When the words “phase of life,” escaped from my therapist’s mouth, it surprisingly felt more enlightening than heavy. Sure, I felt like I was spiraling, and nothing connected to me seemed to be going well, but at that point, I knew what was going on with me.
Associated with the "phase of life," adjustment disorder is something I had to discuss with my therapist to talk about what the next steps for me looked like.
After doing this, I felt reassured but nervous. I’d never been diagnosed with anything mental health-related before and didn’t want this to be the starting point of a cycle that I wouldn’t be able to get out of.
According to Healthline, adjustment disorder is a person’s temporary grouping of conditions in response to a stressful life occurrence. This can usually be seen as multiple events that have happened back to back or a singular event that’s taken a larger precedent. I personally experienced adjustment disorder with anxiety and a depressed mood, proving itself to be impacting my life more than I'd realized.
So many times as Gen Zers, we get told the generic rhetoric of, “You’re so young. Just live your life,” or “You have so much life to live. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.” In reality, not only do I not feel that way, but it honestly just makes my feelings stronger and leads to a desire to constantly prove myself, especially as a Black woman.
The pressure and expectations surrounding being well-established and accomplished are always the heaviest burden.
Dr. Judith Joseph, a clinical psychiatrist and author of High Functioning, believes that post-grad depression is synonymous with adjustment disorder and that the condition is not confined to a specific age group or demographic. “In certain situations, let's say, college students, they tend to have more adjustment issues because they're going from one situation, like being at home, being cared for, to being completely independent, so to speak, in a new setting, and around new friends, not around family,” she said.
Early signs of adjustment disorder may look like feelings of hopelessness, avoidance of friends or family, or even feelings of anxiety and crying often— all of which I was experiencing. “Adjustment disorder can come as the depressed type or the anxious type. If you have the depressed type, you're gonna have symptoms of depression, like low mood, low energy, poor concentration, guilt, hopelessness, problems with your appetite. … The anxious type will have symptoms of an anxiety disorder, like stomach ache, headache, breathing fast, worrying, palpitations, [and] inability to relax.”
Adjustment Disorder, Social Media, and Gaining Understanding
These symptoms can also get heightened with the usage of social media as many people compare their lives to others.
While seeing others’ success can be inspiring, it can also be detrimental to one’s authentic journey by trying to emulate or align themselves with societal expectations, values, and beliefs. “The difference between adjustment disorder with anxious symptoms is that when the stressor goes away or the person becomes accustomed to the situation, the symptoms go away. But if it's more persistent, then it's likely not related to a stressor. It's a persistent condition like generalized anxiety disorder,” Joseph added.
When getting diagnosed with adjustment disorder, it is recommended to implement stronger levels of self-care along with finding supportive people around you, such as friends, family, and colleagues, to help you through the transition.
What was also helpful for me in my journey was being more patient with myself in those tougher times, giving myself grace, and humanizing myself. The superhero complex of Black womanhood, in my lens, does not start at the legal age of 18. It begins with the first iterations you have of female figures in your life. Your mother, grandmother, aunts, sisters— all of these women in some way demonstrated the example of saving everyone else and only sometimes putting themselves on the check-in list, if ever.
While it sounds taboo to some to take your mental health seriously, I’ve learned that doing so not only saves your life but the lives of those around you.
Joseph recommends not only being aware of your personal and family mental health history but also determining ways to avoid taking on so much at once. “The other thing you can do is if in preparation for a big change, try not to make so many different changes happen at once,” she said. “So I've had patients who they're not only moving to a new place, but they're starting a new job and it’s like that's a lot of change. And then they're like, ‘Well, maybe it's time to break up with my boyfriend.’ … You may wanna spread out your change.”
She also recommended being proactive toward the impact of life changes by giving a heads-up to those around you. Whether this be family, friends, or a significant other, being able to lean on others during times of transition makes a difference, especially as someone who may have experienced this before. The symptoms of the disorder can return with another big life change.
In the words of Megan Thee Stallion, “Bad b**ches have bad days too,” and this reigns true for me now more than ever.
My character, demeanor, and core as a person don’t change just because of a bad season or hard times. The confidence I have in high moments should be the same level of confidence I have in other areas of my life. As I continue on this journey of self-growth, life changes, and knowledge of the world around me, I’m reminded of where I started on the road to getting where I want to be.
The bounce back is always going to happen, but there’s a difference between a bad day and a bad life, and hard times don’t last forever. It just feels like forever in the moment.
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