If you're looking for 2025 travel deals that will give you unforgettable experiences at some of the most sought-after destinations, this article is for you. Not only are these destinations full of relaxation and adventure, but it is also known to be safe for Black and brown travelers. Below is a curated list of 10 safe travel spots that are having Black Friday/ Cyber Monday deals.
Puerto Rico
Hyatt Regency Grand Reserve Puerto Rico
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- Ease of entry and accessibility - no passport required + more than 20 airports offering daily, nonstop flights from most major US airports
- Diversity in people and landscapes - best explored through ‘both sides’ of the island… the city (San Juan) and then the forest (Rio Grande/El Yunque) for amazing natural adventures
- Huge Black expat community
Conveniently located just minutes from Historic Old San Juan and a short 10-minute drive from the airport, Caribe Hilton offers a tropical escape at the heart of it all. Known for its rich history and celebrated as the birthplace of the piña colada, Caribe Hilton has been serving up hospitality excellence for 75 years. The oceanfront property’s world-class service is surpassed only by its incredible amenities, such as a secluded stretch of white sand beach, multiple pools and restaurants, a full-service spa, and an abundance of activities catering to families, friend groups, and wellness seekers alike.
The Deal: Kicking off on Cyber Monday, Caribe Hilton will be offering a Cyber Week promotion from Dec. 2-8, 2024. Travelers can save up to 25% on all room types for trips booked between January 2- June 30, 2025.
Hyatt Regency Grand Reserve Puerto Rico | Rio Grande, Puerto Rico Located on a protected natural peninsula at the foothills of the El Yunque rainforest, Hyatt Regency Grand Reserve Puerto Rico offers guests an authentic taste of Puerto Rico from the comfort of a sprawling luxurious resort secluded along miles of coral reef-protected beaches, through unique amenities and unforgettable experiences like its 100% Puerto Rican resort-branded craft beer, its complimentary Pan Sobao door-to-door breakfast, twinkle light rainforest picnics and PRadise pool-side popsicles. The property is also home to several oceanfront swimming pools (which include Puerto Rico’s largest lagoon-style pool), a full-service spa, a 27-hole championship golf course, over 17 food and beverage outlets ranging from a prime steakhouse to classic Puerto Rican cuisine, a Top Golf Swing Suite, and more.
The Deal: World of HyattMembers can save up to 25% on their stay at Hyatt Regency Grand Reserve Puerto Rico when they shop this Black Friday! The offer will be available from November 19-December 9 and is eligible on stays between November 19 and April 20, 2025.
Curaçao
BijBlauw Curaçao
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- Local culture is super diverse - a melting pot with over 65 nationalities, most people speak four languages (English, Spanish, Dutch, Papiamento - the local language). Lots of influence from Colombia and South America, plus of course, the indigenous and Caribbean population. Roughly 85% of the population is of African descent.
- LGBTQIA+ friendly
Curacao Marriott Beach Resort I Curaçao
Nestled among six acres of pristine beachfront near Willemstad, the island’s pastel-clad downtown, Curaçao Marriott Beach Resort offers warm, dedicated hospitality for which the Caribbean is known. The ideal backdrop for your dream vacation in Curaçao, the tropical hotel oasis is a cultured paradise that creates magical memories to last a lifetime.
The Deal: From November 26 to December 3, 2024, for stays between December 1, 2024, and January 20, 2025, travelers can expect discounts of up to 25% off. The promotion begins at 15% off, increases to 20% off for Bonvoy members, and up to 25% for Bonvoy members who book through the Bonvoy app.
BijBlauw I Curaçao
Perched just outside of Curaçao’s bustling Pietermaai district sits BijBlauw, a charming boutique hotel overlooking the glittering waters of the Caribbean Sea. After a day of adventure, relaxation, or fun in the sun on the island, BijBlauw offers travelers an elevated boho-chic haven.
The Deal: Potential bookers receive a 20% discount, with a booking window from Thanksgiving through Cyber Monday. The travel window extends from Thanksgiving until May 28, 2025. A few important details to note: the discount is non-refundable, cannot be combined with other offers or discounts (including Friends of BijBlauw), and the code to use is autumnatBijBlauw. No dates are excluded.
Costa Rica
Hotel Three Sixty
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- Super safe and low crime rate, plus fast-growing Black expat community
Hotel Three Sixty | Ojochal, Costa Rica
A member of Small Luxury Hotels, Hotel Three Sixty promises an intimate, adults-only escape tucked away in the unspoiled treetops of Southern Costa Rica. The property is made up of 12 luxurious villas, complemented by an infinity pool overlooking the Pacific Ocean, the open-air Kua Kua restaurant with panoramic views, a Jungle Spa with locally inspired treatments, and a secluded rainforest yoga deck. Here, your only neighbors are the scarlet macaws, toucans, and monkeys swinging by to say hello.
The Deal: 25% off accommodations plus a $100 food and beverage credit to enjoy the new menu at Kua Kua restaurant. This deal is valid to book November 25, 2024, to December 3, 2024, for stays between November 25, 2024 - November 30, 2025; blackout dates are December 22, 2024-January 2, 2025. Discounts cannot be combined with any other offer. To book, visit https://www.hotelthreesixty.com/offers.
Mexico - (Cancun & Los Cabos)
Corazón Cabo Resort & Spa Los Cabos
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Cancun / JW Marriott Cancun Resort & Spa
WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- Mexico is one of the travel ‘big dogs’ with millions of visitors each year. They are well developed and used to catering to travelers from all over the world with various backgrounds
- Out of all of the places in Mexico - Cancun, Tulum, and the Riviera are some of the safest and the most diverse. You can stay safely in a resort, but take day trips to Tulum and the natural wonders.
JW Marriott Cancun Resort & Spa | Cancun, Mexico
Situated in the heart of Cancun’s vibrant hotel zone and just minutes from the area’s hottest attractions, the luxurious JW Marriott Cancun Resort & Spa offers a rejuvenating escape to any traveler. With oceanfront rooms, restorative Mayan-inspired spa treatments, luxurious dining options, and an extensive 150 margaritas menu, the resort is the perfect place to relax after an adventurous day exploring Cancun’s jungles or turquoise blue waters.
The Deal: Marriott Bonvoy Members get 25% off stays booked through their app, or 20% off stays booked directly. Non-members receive 15% off their stays. The booking window is November 26 - December 3, 2024, for stays December 1, 2024 - January 20, 2025.
Los Cabos / Corazón Cabo Resort & Spa
WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- Also one of the safest zones in Mexico and super well developed in terms of accommodations, transportation, attractions, etc.
- You can find real reviews from Black travelers here
Corazón Cabo Resort & Spa| Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
Nestled near Cabo’s famous Marina along the area’s best swimmable beach, the chic and luxuriousCorazón Cabo Resort & Spa treats travelers to an opulent beachfront getaway in the heart of Cabo San Lucas. From expansive bedrooms with balconies and private hot tubs to Cabo’s highest and most lavish rooftop bar with 360-degree views, a private beach club, and three infinity pools overlooking the famous Cabo Arch, Corazón Cabo is the picture of modern luxury. Corazón also boasts a world-class on-site spa, Sparitual, offering chakra balancing treatments and more, as well as fun activities like beachfront yoga classes and guided tequila/mezcal tastings.
The Deal: From November 18- December 3, guests can save up to 30% off room rates, enjoy a $50 daily food and beverage credit, and take 30% off select spa treatments at Sparitual for stays booked from November 18, 2024 - April 30, 2025. Additionally, guests can spread the gift card love with a special promotion where the resort is giving back 10% of the total gift card amount in a resort credit, valid from November 1, 2024 - January 10, 2025.
Iceland
Hotel Rangá Iceland
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- One of the safest countries in the world with some of the most welcoming people (ranked as the safest, most peaceful country on the 2022 Global Peace Index). Even though it is a mainly white country, they are very tolerant and also have opened up all their borders to tourism. They understand the positive impact tourists have on their destination, and they embrace it.
- This is a great article providing a direct perspective from Franny the Traveler:
- Some great stats here.
Hotel Rangá | Hella, Iceland
Known as the land of fire and ice, Iceland is home to otherworldly landscapes, the Northern Lights, and adventure galore.Set in the secluded and spectacular countryside of the South Coast lies Hotel Rangá, a luxe little lodge with lots of personality. Situated under clear dark skies, Hotel Rangá is also the best place to see the famous Aurora Borealis (complete with wake-up calls) or enjoy a stellar star gazing session alongside a resident astronomer at the hotel's own hi-tech, roll-off roof observatory.
The Deal: From November 29-December 5, guests can save up to 30% off room rates on stays booked from December 1, 2024 - May 31, 2025 (excluding blackout dates between December 23, 2024 - January 3, 2025). Offer valid for a two-night minimum stay. To book, visit hotelranga.is.
Aruba
Aruba Marriott Resort and Stellaris Casino
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- “One Happy Island” is their tagline, and this is reflected in their warm and welcoming locals - who are all super diverse as well as expats
- There’s an area called San Nicolas that is known as ‘Black-owned’ Aruba
Aruba Marriott Resort and Stellaris Casino | Palm Beach, Aruba
Aruba Marriott Resort and Stellaris Casino is a luxurious getaway for travelers of varied interests and any occasion, from family trips to romantic escapes and even corporate retreats. The 414-room resort features ocean-facing guest rooms, all with their own 100-square-foot balconies, overlooking several different breathtaking views of the property and the Palm Beach oceanfront. Additional amenities include 10 dining venues, two pools from a vibrant family-friendly option to an adults-only H2Oasis pool, the largest spa and casino on the island, a two-story fitness center, non-motorized watersports, and more.
The Deal: Guests receive a $100 resort credit and a varying discount on accommodations, up to 25%, for stays four nights or longer from March 1 - July 31, 2025. Book using code E4000 (or code M96 for Bonvoy members) at www.arubamarriott.com from November 27 - December 6, 2024.
Napa Valley, CA
The Meritage Resort and Spa Napa Valley, CA
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- Black travelers make up only 2.7% of annual visitors. However, Napa Valley is a great place for girls trips, romantic getaways and more
- There are a lot of misconceptions about how expensive it is, but there are ways to visit wine country and not break the bank
- There’s also a few Black-owned wineries and tasting rooms like Vin En Noir, and there is also a Napa Wine Train which is perfect for girl’s getaways
The Meritage Resort and Spa | Napa Valley, CA
Set on 36 golden acres with nine acres of active working vineyards, The Meritage Resort and Spa is your one-stop shop for the Napa Valley experience – now boasting a stunning $25 million new look that it just unveiled this summer. From its four onsite tasting rooms to acclaimed fine dining, vineyard-facing pools, its iconic Spa Terra ( a naturally formed Estate Cave located 40 ft under its working vines), and vintner hiking trails, The Meritage is a gateway to the best of California Wine Country. Even going above and beyond with additional amenities and experiences like an onsite six-lane bowling alley, a champagne tasting room, a summer concert series, vineyard picnics, a farm-to-table garden, a curated local artisan market, and more.
The Deal: Save 30% on your Napa Valley visit in addition to a $30 daily resort credit at the newly reimagined Meritage Resort and Spa when you stay two-plus nights, anytime between November 2024 and March 2025 (blackout dates apply). This offer is bookable from November 18-December 4, 2024. Any bookings made during the early access period will receive double perks for Meritage CollectionStay Golden rewards members, which will also include two complimentary welcome cocktails and two spa enhancements.
The Bahamas
British Colonial Nassau
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- The Bahamas is listed as a top-rated destination for Black travelers. Travel technology company Expedia and Black travel review website Green Book Global are preparing to launch a Green Book Global Black Travel Review Month (BTRM) initiative that allows Black travelers to rate destinations that they enjoy, and the Bahamas is in the top five.
Resorts World Bimini | Bimini, The Bahamas
Island charm meets luxury at Resorts World Bimini—an expansive oceanfront complex just 50 miles off the coast of South Florida that encompasses a chic Hilton hotel, world-class casino, marina, and a private beach and lounge reminiscent of the beach clubs found in Tulum. Guests will be surrounded by unparalleled views of the bright blue Caribbean Sea, which are best enjoyed with a cocktail in hand around one of two hotel pools: the ground-floor lagoon pool or the rooftop infinity pool, both of which serve up local bites and specialty cocktails at their poolside bars. And for an elevated afternoon, lounge at Resorts World Bimini Beach—a 4.5-acre private beach and lounge features two stunning lagoon pools, day beds shaded by palapas, private oceanfront cabanas, bohemian-inspired decor, local bites, all-day live entertainment, and picturesque views.
The Deal: Answer the call of paradise when you book the exclusive “BOGO in Paradise” package for your next trip to Bimini, where buying one night gets you a second free, or buying two gets a third. Starting at $249 per person, the package includes round-trip ferry transportation on Baleari Caribbean from Fort Lauderdale, FL, a stay at the Hilton at Resorts World Bimini, access to Bimini Beach, and live entertainment. Visit https://rwbimini.com/event/bogo-in-paradise/ to book; offer valid for stay dates through May 22, 2025.
British Colonial Nassau | Nassau, Bahamas
British Colonial Nassau is a Bahamian gem that recently underwent a massive $50 million transformation. Visitors can immerse themselves in downtown Nassau and enjoy hotel amenities like the 300 ft private white-sand beach, seven dining outlets from a signature martini bar with live jazz on the weekends to a beach bar + grill, two oceanfront pools, and non-motorized water sports. British Colonial Nassau is a seamless option for those seeking an upscale, sophisticated ambiance infused with key aspects of Bahamian culture.
The Deal: This year, the hotel is launching its ‘30/30/30’ offer. Beginning on November 15, book and receive 30% off the best available rates, a daily $30 food and beverage credit per room, 30% off movie and bowling passes at the Icons Entertainment Complex, and two welcome drink vouchers! Offer valid for a two-night minimum stay between December 1, 2024 - December 21, 2025. *Booking window November 15, 2024- December 6, 2024. Blackout dates: December 22, 2024 - January 2, 2025, and April 18-26, 2025. Food and beverage credit is per room, per day. (Value of saving $150 / Starting rates $179) Booking Link here
Galapagos, Ecuador
Ecoventura Ecuador
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- The Galápagos Islands is generally considered a low crime region, being safer than the Ecuadorian mainland. This means that race relations are good, and Black travelers will be perfectly able to explore this tropical paradise without a problem. The local community values and safeguards visitors, and there are rarely, if any, attacks on tourist boats or cruises.
Ecoventura | Galapagos, Ecuador
Named after Charles Darwin’s Theory of Evolution and Origin of the Species, Ecoventura’s 20-passenger, 10-cabin mega-yachts Origin, Theory & Evolve are the chicest and most exclusive way to experience one of humanity’s final frontiers. The only Relais & Chateaux-ranked ships to sail in the destination, Ecoventura offers guests a week of once-in-a-lifetime experiences in the height of luxury – think swimming with sea turtles, sunbathing with baby sea lions, coming face-to-face with the famous blue-footed boobies and strolling alongside Giant Galapagos Tortoises… all aboard what is more like a floating boutique hotel than a cruise!
The Deal: Ecoventura’s sails are so limited and exclusive that they rarely ever go on sale. However, they are offering 20% off select 2025 cruise departures for Black Friday/Cyber Monday shoppers when you book between November 29-December 6, 2024. That is a$2100 per person savings off the published rate of $10,500 per person for double occupancy rooms. Or if 2025 is the year you take on the solo adventure of a lifetime, Ecoventura is also offering an extra special solo offering of only $12,950 per cabin for single travelers (that is $6,050 in savings).
Key West, Florida
Southernmost Beach Resort
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WHY TRAVEL HERE:
- One of the most iconic LGBTQIA+ travel destinations, super tolerant and welcoming
- Super safe for nightlife and solo travelers
- It is one of the most welcoming multicultural towns in the entire country
- There’s a lot of hidden Black history here
Southernmost Beach Resort | Key West, FL
Situated on the quieter southern limit of the famed Duval Street, Southernmost Beach Resort features a modern, sleek design with classic coastal charm. Following a comprehensive transformation to an elevated destination experience in the heart of historic Key West, Florida, the resort features 296 guest rooms, including the newly renovated Guesthouses - four meticulously restored 19th-century Victorian homes for adult-only accommodations and shared community spaces like a cozy parlor bar and beachfront deck. Guests enjoy full access to Southernmost Beach Resort’s extensive luxury amenities, including three pools, bars, a spa, retail spaces, a private beach, and the renowned Southernmost Beach Cafe.
The Deal: 35% off all room types + $50 resort credit (for direct bookings only). Book dates are from November 19 - December 4, 2024, for stays between November 21 - December 31, 2025.
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Feature image by ABRAHAM GONZALEZ FERNANDEZ/ Getty Images
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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