When the Golden Girls of Miami Northwestern Senior High School made headlines for "dressing like strippers" in September 2017, Traci Young-Byron refused to bend under public scrutiny.
As a black woman traversing the world of dance, the longtime artistic director has built up an immunity to criticism--especially when it's baseless. "Had another team of a different demographic worn the same thing, it wouldn't have gotten the same attention," she says in defense of their Kitana-inspired ensemble.
These days, the Golden Girls command more eyes for their Supa Strut, made fiercer by Young-Byron's vivacious chants in earshot. "Sometimes when people mean to do harm, they actually do good," she muses on the millions of views her team has amassed amid controversy.
Nearly one month trailing countless attacks on their character, Young-Byron's "Tenacious Ten" took to Game 5 of Northwestern's football season with signs that ranged from "Sitting 2 Take A Stand" to "We Are More Than A Costume." The peaceful demonstration didn't break the Internet, but it's the moment the one-time "Teacher of the Year" values most. "They wanted to have their own voice," she explains.
"That's my whole purpose: to teach them to be their own person."
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At the time of our phone call, Young-Byron is wrapping up a fruitful week of auditions for the Young Contemporary Dance Theatre (YCDT). With at least 180 students under her direction, the founder is relentless in her mission to prepare her students for what she deems the "nature of the beast." "If they want to become professional dancers, they have to have thick skin. It's a dog-eat-dog world," she describes the dance industry.
"It's not easy, and more specifically, when you're African American, you have to be 10 times better than everybody else. Always."
When she failed to make it past first cuts at an audition for the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater as a recent graduate, Young-Byron had no clue she was on the brink of colliding with destiny. Reeling from the sting of derailed plans, she simply felt off-track. "Because I worked so hard at [dance], I was always chosen for a lot of different things. It didn't necessarily make me cocky, but it definitely made me confident in my craft," she explains. "Up until that point, I had never really heard 'no.'"
The Miami native joined the Inner City Children's Touring Dance Company at the age of three and fell in love with the art form by nine. She pursued technical training in middle school, got accepted into Miami Northwestern's Performing and Visual Arts Center, and ultimately earned her bachelor's degree in dance from Florida State University in 2001.
Later on however, auditions for the Dallas Black Dance Theatre and the Miami Heat Dancers didn't yield in her favor, leaving Young-Byron to face a hard truth. "I felt like I wasn't really prepared. I wish that I had gotten rejected earlier so I would have understood what that felt like."
Young-Byron forged on by launching the Young Contemporary Dance Theatre (YCDT) with 14 kids in 2004, three years after she took up a friend's suggestion to teach dance at a local Dade County middle school. At 21, she discovered a natural ability to connect with at-risk students and decided to use her experiences as both a dancer and product of Liberty City, one of Miami's most notorious neighborhoods, for a greater good.
Within a decade of its inception, YCDT accrued national buzz as one of Miami's most elite dance companies. After several standout appearances on Lifetime's Bring It!, Young-Byron and her dancers took center stage in a docu-series of their own. Void of gimmicks, Step It Up followed "the most feared dance teacher in Miami" and her students as she opened the doors of her own studio--a feat that took 10 years in the making--amid a hectic season of weekly performances. "I can't fake it for TV," she offers as a reason the show didn't return for a second season.
"I wasn't willing to sell myself or give [Lifetime] what they wanted for ratings."
What the cameras did capture was the self-proclaimed Supa Black Girl stand up for some of her strongest students after they were cut from a music video for supposedly not complementing European artist Victoria Velvet in height. "I feel like the dancers who were sitting on the floor are darker in their complexion, and a lot of times they're overlooked," she countered on Step It Up's sixth episode, "Video Villain."
In her early 20s, Young-Byron was cut from an opportunity to tour with a Grammy-winning singer in a similar fashion. "Why do I have to look like the artist? Why is that even important?" she ponders. "At the end of the day, if you have strong dancers behind you, we're going to make you look good."
Colorism was something Young-Byron became well-acquainted with in her field. One year after teaching, she became a dancer for the Miami Heat, an experience she describes as a "love-hate relationship." Over the course of her nine years on the team, she climbed the ranks to assistant choreographer and then to team captain. But her ascension came with limitations as there always seemed to be a ceiling that she just couldn't shatter.
"No matter how great I was as a dancer, no matter how talented I was as a choreographer, I was always pushed aside. I was never the front person because I didn't have the look or I was too dark."
The disparity wasn't hard to detect as she was usually one of three black women on the team year after year. "I felt like I never really got my just due," the longest-reigning Miami Heat dancer in franchise history expresses. "Of course, they gave me a title because my talent was undeniable, but I could never be the face of the team. Sometimes I felt respected and disrespected at the same time."
That feeling loomed when filming MTV's America's Best Dance Crew with her team Fly Khicks (also composed of Miami Heat dancers) in 2009. As the only black woman on the show's third season, the YCDT founder felt out of place in hair and makeup, which prompted her to be her own advocate in more ways than one. "I had to learn how to do everything on my own," she says. "I don't think people intentionally tried to make me look crazy, but I felt crazy."
Signs of change aren't lost on Young-Byron when she considers the progress of her former team today. "I pushed the envelope," she asserts. "I was the black girl who wore the natural hair or who did the quirky and crazy things. Now when you look at the Heat Dancers, they look more open. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I had to go through the fire so that the younger generations of dancers could benefit."
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While Young-Byron has evolved into a real-life hero for the many children, teens, and adults she trains, the Supa Black Girl is still processing the depths of her impact. "Sometimes I question why God chose this teaching path for me?" she wrote in a transparent Instagram post in January.
She still has dreams of becoming a concert dancer and would love to choreograph for a major artist one day. "Listen, if Beyoncé calls me, oh Jesus, I don't even know [what I would do]," she laughs.
When responsible for an ever-growing company, however, zooming in on personal goals often feels selfish. "I go through this whole battle of do I think about me or do I think about other people?" she admits. It's hard not to when she pictures what her home city can become. "I understand that Atlanta, Los Angeles and New York are the meccas of dance as far as the United States goes, but I feel like Miami can be that as well," she maintains.
Young-Byron's not sure when that will happen, but she knows it won't if she doesn't continue fortifying her dancers with an impenetrable confidence she ultimately ties to her late mother. "She had a huge sense of faith so a lot of times when I get into a dark space," she says.
"It doesn't take me long to snap out of it because I just remember who's I am and who made me to be who I am."
"I've always been different. I've always been bright and colorful, but now I do it with a purpose," Young-Byron adds as our conversation draws to a close. "I feel like I'm a walking artist who's meant to reach people and brighten their day...I might even inspire you to be bold and outspoken."
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
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Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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