Tracee Ellis Ross On Unpacking Messaging Around Being 'Chosen' & Being A Mother In Her Own Terms
As far as I'm concerned, there's rarely a moment when Tracee Ellis Ross doesn't say something quotable or that makes me unshakeably exclaim, "Preach" accompanied by six or seven snaps of my appreciation of her unfiltered and deeply resonant truths. Though I admire her talents and what she has contributed to the culture with iconic characters like Girlfriends' Joan Clayton and Black-ish's Rainbow and the gift to the natural hair community that is PATTERN, I am in awe of Tracee Ellis Ross as the woman.
Doused in self-confidence, self-awareness, and self-mastery, and all around deeply connected with herself, Tracee is the embodiment of a marvel of a woman who is always true to who she is. And upon listening to a recent appearance of hers on the popular podcast, We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle, I was reminded of that fact yet again. Keep reading for some gems the 50-year-old multihyphenate shared while there.
Tracee Ellis Ross on unpacking messaging of needing to be chosen:
"We go back to this model that you are sold, that we not only are we sold it, but we are fed it. And we have to drink it, and it’s everywhere. And if you are not careful, you actually think it’s true. And it’s the only bit of news for you, which is that my job as a woman is to learn to be choosable, having nothing to do with who I am, what makes my heart sing, floats my boat, makes me feel safe, makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel good, makes me feel powerful, makes me feel smart, any of those things, but really [my job as a woman] is more about how I might be seen so that I might be chosen so that my life could mean something as a 'chosen woman' who then gets to have a child and then be a mother and do that for a child.
"So our culture sells us this and there’s nothing wrong with that journey. But [there's nothing wrong with that] if it’s a chosen journey, as opposed to the one that you think is going to make you worth anything. And then everything starts to fall into that messaging.
"I have been grateful enough to have found places where there are eons of tools and different ways to unpack that crazy messaging, [and] make sense of it in a way that actually gives me a shot at genuine happiness and a robust life that’s actually mine. And it’s like a daily reprieve. Some days are better than others. Some days, the old messaging comes in, sweeps in and I have got a really nice matching story that goes with it of my unlovability. That narrative that just kind of travels along with it. And if I am not careful and go into that thinking alone, I get stuck there. And then, you come out."
On the self-connection strategies that stop her from believing everything her mind tells her:
"Friendships. I have practices of healing and support that I lean towards. Therapy, some of which I keep sacred and private, some of those, but I don’t share them necessarily publicly. But friendship has been the biggest [strategy] and the willingness to be completely transparent. And to be able to call people when I am on the floor, whether it’s metaphorically or physically on the floor... I think it’s friendship, the tools that tether me... tether me to what I like best about my life, which is the basic things. Like, my favorite part of my life is my life.
"I love all the stuff, but I really like making my bed in the morning or doing laundry or making my food or taking the garbage out, like just the basics that really tether me to my own humanity and my own sense of self, and being able to show up and be of service and all of those things. ... It’s honestly like my mind is a wonderful place. It gets dangerous when I get connected to the really bad horror story that I have been stitching together since I was young. And somehow if I fall back into that groove, it is so dangerous up there. And then everything’s colored by the wrong information. Everything!"
On learning how not to abandon herself and hold space for unlovable moments:
"It’s interesting. I have really learned how to do that. Because I think that I have abandoned myself way too many times. Way too many times. But each time in the aftermath of the hurt, I do ask myself the question of how do I not end up here again. And what I have discovered is I will end up here again.
"...It’s funny, I just, I have been nursing another, just deep disappointment. And my little inner child was, she was just crying, just crying so hard. And for the first time, I was able to sit with her. And I was like, 'Here’s the thing, my love, I am not going anywhere. I am not going anywhere. I don’t know. I don’t know how to be anybody else. I just don’t. But what I know how to do, is to be me. And to just hold that space with as much compassion and curiosity and gentleness as possible, and to find all the things even if it’s a bag of frickin Funyuns.' Like, what is it? What is it that we need today to just try and hold that space of love?
"I think that’s the thing we are sold. That’s wrong. I don’t know that life is supposed to be a thing that just feels good all the time. But how can we hold the spaces and the days and the periods when it just doesn’t feel good? And I just feel so unlovable, and like how can I have the hurt without deciding it means I am unlovable? How do you not give meaning to it? And that’s where the work is like in that little space."
Tracee Ellis Ross on being a mother and defining womanhood for herself:
"I am a wonderful mother. Wonderful! And I am very mothering. And it’s been hard for me to claim that. In a world where I don’t have the thing that says, I mean, what did I...? What was I just writing...? [It] was [a] journal entry from like three or four days ago:
"'I can feel my body’s ability to make a child draining out of me. Sometimes I find it hilarious as if there’s a fire sale going on, in my uterus, and someone’s in there screaming, 'All things must go!' ...As my body becomes a foreign place, to me that doesn’t really feel safe or like home and I don’t know how to manage or control or fight the external binary narrative of the patriarchy that has hunted me and haunted me most of my adult life. Is it my fertility that is leaving me? Is it my womanhood? Or is it really neither? But I have to fight to hold my truth. Because I have been programmed so successfully by the water we all swim in, by the water, we all are served.
"'And I feel fertile with creativity, full of power, more and more a woman than I have ever been. And yet, that power that I was told, I must use was not used. A power, I mean, just trying to figure out sort of what that means, like, because my ability to have a child is leaving me but like, I don’t agree that that’s what fertile means. I don’t agree that that’s what woman means..."
Listen to the podcast episode in full below:
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Emma McIntyre/WireImage
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
This Is What It Really Means To Heal Your Relationship With Money
Riddle me this: If money were your partner, what kind of relationship would you be in?
Would the relationship be one that's supportive and secure? Would it be built on things like trust and mutual respect? Or would it be more like a rollercoaster, varying between hot and cold, stressful, ridden with anxiety and insecurity? For a lot of us, the parallels might be parallel-ing, as the relationship we have with money mirrors some of the same unhealthy patterns we’ve had in romantic ones: fear of abandonment, emotional avoidance, lack of boundaries, or the belief that we have to earn our rest, ease, or abundance.
Now, I've read enough of The Psychology of Money to know that our relationship with money is an emotional one. So, it's not just about what you make or how you spend, it's about how money makes you feel. And like any relationship in your life, if you're not paying attention to the emotional patterns controlling your reality, money can quickly become a source of shame, anxiety, stress, or self-sabotage. This is why healing your relationship with money has to start within.
That's something Sasha Suresh knows firsthand. As the founder of Jolii Cosmetics and Full Ritúal, an award-winning wellness brand, she’s built a 7-figure business rooted in soulful alignment, intention, and yes, financial abundance. But it didn’t begin there. Now through her 1:1 coaching and signature course The Million Mastery Method, Sasha teaches women how to rewrite their money stories, shift out of survival mode, and reclaim their power.
“There have been key moments when I realized that money wasn’t just about numbers,” she shares. “It was deeply connected to how I saw myself.”
For Sasha, that turning point was recognizing how financial anxiety was showing up as a mismatch between the value she created and what she believed she deserved to receive. “I also saw that the more money I made, the more fear I had about losing it all and the need to be wanting more and more. This recognition marked the beginning of my journey to heal and redefine my relationship with money because money is essentially just energy and should be viewed as just that. Money is the means for us to do other things and it is not the end all be all.”
Unpacking What's Holding You Back
A lot of us are carrying hidden beliefs about money we don’t even realize we’re repeating. These money beliefs might sound like:
- “Money is hard to come by.”
- “More money means more problems”
- “I’m not good with money.”
- “I'll be paying back this debt forever.”
- “I’ll never make more money.”
And while some of those beliefs may seem harmless or even rational depending on your financial situation, Sasha explains these are signs of unhealed money wounds. “There are so many signs indicating an unhealthy relationship with money and most of the time these go unnoticed because we’re so conditioned to see them as the norm and they’re a part of us,” she says. “I used to have major financial anxiety where even small financial decisions would cause me stress or I would be swiping my cards like there was no end to it. There was no in-between. My financial decisions were dependent on my emotions which can be very detrimental in the long run.”
She continues, “The tendency to undercharge for your services or accept a lower pay than what you truly deserve is a sign that your inner narrative about worth is still catching up with your actual value. And the most common of all might be avoidance – steering clear of detailed money management because it brings up old, unresolved feelings.”
At the root of it all? An unhealthy relationship with money and a nervous system that had learned to equate money with fear.
Where It All Begins
Oftentimes, our relationship with money is shaped long before we ever earn our first paycheck. In fact, our relationship with money tends to mirror what we saw while growing up from our parents or what we've experienced through societal conditioning. “If you grew up in a home where money was a source of stress or secrecy, you might carry invisible beliefs like ‘I need to suffer before I can succeed’ or ‘My value is tied to how much I earn,’” Sasha says.
She notes that many of us have internalized the idea that wealth must come through sacrifice, hustle, or even through compromising our morals. In some communities and cultures, money can even be viewed as a source of corruption.
“This conditioning often leads to cycles of overworking, guilt when money flows effortlessly, or self-sabotage to return to the 'comfort' of scarcity. We’re taught that success must be earned through hardship, so you might dismiss opportunities that feel joyful or aligned as 'not real work,'” she explains. “These narratives can create subconscious resistance to abundance, where earning more triggers guilt rather than celebration.”
Healing Your Money Wounds
Healing your relationship with money isn’t about making dramatic shifts overnight. It's about becoming aware of your wounds, knowledgeable of your patterns, and living a life more aligned with a different belief system that is rooted in feeling worthy, feeling safe, and allowing flow.
Below, Sasha shares some of the most common money blocks she sees in her coaching work, and how to begin healing them:
1. Scarcity Thinking
One of the biggest blocks to abundance is the belief that "there's never enough." A scarcity mindset creates a loop of anxiety that leads to clinging to every dollar like it's your last, rejecting opportunities even when there's alignment, or constantly feeling like you're behind in life even though you're right on time. “Your scarcity script writes your reality,” she explains. “If you narrate limitations, your world shrinks to match exactly that.”
She encourages shifting this mindset by asking yourself: What if I acted like abundance is already here? Making aligned decisions from that place can be transformative.
2. Fear of Success or Rejection
Sometimes, the fear isn’t about failing, it’s about what might happen if you succeed. You may wonder if more money will change how others perceive you, or worry that you’ll lose yourself in the process. “This fear often manifests as procrastination, undercharging, or downplaying wins,” she says. A helpful shift is to start celebrating through what Sasha calls “micro-victories.” “Each celebration rewires your nervous system to associate success with safety, not threat.”
3. Undervaluing Yourself
If you constantly discount your services or avoid negotiating your worth, that’s usually tied to deeper beliefs around not being deserving. “If you don’t feel deserving, you’ll leak wealth everywhere—discounting services, tolerating underpayment, or avoiding negotiations,” Sasha echoes.
“Your self-image becomes your financial ceiling,” she explains. She recommends tuning into where your resistance is coming from. Try writing “I am worthy of abundance” ten times slowly, really feeling each word. Notice what emotions or discomfort come up. That’s where your work begins. As Sasha says, this is where your inner narrative about worth can catch up to your actual value.
4. Emotional Avoidance
If you're prone to avoiding money altogether, i.e. skipping bills, ignoring your budget, avoiding your bank account balance, or pushing off conversations about finances altogether, these could be signs of deeper unresolved feelings or shame.
To begin healing, Sasha suggests starting small and approaching money from a place of compassion rather than resentment. Acknowledging your finances through intentional money management, even if it’s just for a few minutes a day, is a powerful first step toward creating a better relationship with money.
How Healing Your Money Mindset Creates Space for Growth
Healing your relationship with money doesn’t just change how you manage it, it changes how you show up. Sasha knows this shift well. As a wellness founder and the creator of the Million Mastery Method, her business began to grow in new ways when she did the internal work around her money story.
“When you begin to see money as a tool rather than a source of anxiety, your decision-making improves. This is exactly what happened for me in my business – as I shed my limiting beliefs around money, I became more authentic in my interactions with clients and partners,” she says. That clarity translated to more ease, more aligned clients, and more income, without the burnout or over-giving she once defaulted to.
“When you’re not battling internal money anxieties, you have more mental and emotional energy to dedicate to creative and strategic endeavors. This increased focus opened so many doors for me without me chasing them,” Sasha explains. “With a healed money mindset, setbacks become lessons rather than confirmations of scarcity. You’re more resilient and adaptive, which is essential for long-term business success. Your business starts to feel like an authentic extension of who you are, leading to a deeper sense of fulfillment and sustainable growth.”
So, Where Do You Begin?
According to Sasha, the first step in healing your relationship with money doesn’t begin in your bank account, it starts in your body. It's about shifting the way you feel about money before you ever shift the actual numbers. “Start by envisioning and feeling what financial abundance looks and feels like, and let that inner truth lead you in making decisions,” she says. That vision can be as simple as imagining yourself feeling safe while checking your bank account, confidently setting your rates for your services, or tipping without hesitation.
These small but powerful acts create new emotional pathways that support the idea that money is not something to fear, instead it’s something you can trust yourself to handle. “When you align your inner world with the abundance you desire, every single aspect of your life changes,” Sasha explains. “From the way you price your services to the opportunities you attract.”
Anything worth having doesn't come easy, and that goes double when it comes to inner alignment and getting your relationship with your money right. Sasha is honest about this and the discomfort that sometimes arises as we heal, our money wounds included. “Things will get uncomfortable and may not come to you naturally,” she says, “but just know that getting to the other side of your fear, self-sabotage, and anxiety means you’ve reached your desired state—which is a state of ease, flow, and abundance.”
That’s what financial healing really is: a reclamation of your sense of safety, your self-worth, and self-trust. It’s a recommitment to self-belief. When you start showing up as the version of yourself who believes she is worthy of wealth, aligned decisions and opportunities begin to follow. You no longer have to force abundance, it starts to meet you where you are because you already are.
“Embrace this inner transformation,” Sasha encourages, “and you'll find that financial healing becomes a natural extension of your newfound self-belief.”
Money, after all, isn’t inherently good or bad. “It’s energy that reflects your boundaries, your self-worth, and your vision,” she reminds us. “You don’t have to choose between wealth and integrity. When you align money with your mission, you step into your power.”
Love is cute and all, but building an empire together? That’s the real flex. Tap into our new series Making Cents to see what financial compatibility really looks like when love and legacy go hand in hand.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by blackCAT/Getty Images